Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One insult
Key 1990 stat: One visit to the atmosphere of Mars, apparently
Not so thrilled: Will Clark must have had a beef with Fleer around 1990. How else could one explain this card? See, most of these Fleer Pro-Visions pointed to a strength in a player's game, like speed, power, or the ability to count. Instead, this one seems to insinuate that even a ball of rubber could break the Thrill's bat. Rude. It's not all bad, though. At least they gave him enough sense to pull his head away from the flying shards of wood.

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Radiation poisoning
Key 1990 stat: Cocaine was a hell of a drug
An illustrative pop quiz: What's the deal with Straw's bat?

A) You see, the artist was indicating that the bat was a nuclear weapon, representing Darryl's power. Silly.
B) It wasn't the first time Strawberry was associated with lines.
C) Who cares? What I want to know is why is the moon in so many of these stupid cards?
D) It burns! IT BURNS!
E) No, but really, it's A.

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A lump of ear wax
Key 1990 stat: Never actually struck by lightning
Fun facts about slugger Jose Canseco and lightning:

• Lightning is seen as a bright flash, often coming down toward Earth. Canseco is neither bright nor down-to-earth.
• Worldwide, lightning occurs about 40 to 50 times a second. Canseco turns the light switch on and off 40 to 50 times a minute for his own entertainment.
• Fear of lightning is called "astraphobia." Change "tra" to "swipe" and you have the word for the fear of Jose Canseco.
• Lightning strikes can cause, among other things, burns to humans. Jose Canseco has burned most of the people he's known.
• Lightning creates ozone, which carries a distinct, metallic smell. Canseco also carries a distinct smell, similar to hair gel mixed with Chef Boyardee-brand ravioli.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Name: Lawrence Taylor
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six pieces of wall
Key 1990 stat: One deformed bulge illustration
It's time for sweet pop quiz:

Just who does Lawrence Taylor think he is?

(A) This guy.
(B) No, this guy.
(C) Or maybe this guy.
(D) No, definitely this guy.
(E) Apologies. This guy, for sure.
(F) All of the above.

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 133)

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: A pile of ash
Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns
Artistic quiz time: What was the inspiration for this portrait of the Doc?

A) Gooden's blazing-fast heater, known to frighten children and right-handers alike
B) Gooden's propensity to inhale toxic substances (in this case, glove smoke)
C) Gooden's paralyzing fear of the dark, which led him to burn his own possessions at night
D) That time Gooden wore his glove for a shoe and his teammates gave him a hot foot
E) A and D

Dwight Gooden, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

Name: Brian Meyer
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clump of dog hair
Key 1990 stat: 14 games played (a career high)
Here's what Brian Meyer stands for:

Blue jersey provides visual respite from the yellow assault of the card's border.
Real possibility his undershirt is made of plastic.
It might have been nice to shave for picture day, Bri.
Also, get a haircut, you hippie.
Nice sunglasses tan.

Mustache is longer than his big league baseball career.
Ears are big enough to shade the rest of his face from the sun.
You don't remember this guy? That's funny, because ...
Everybody else says the same thing.
Reading his Wikipedia page takes all of three seconds.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Fleer

Name: Kevin Belcher
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: We'd tell you if this card hadn't blinded us
Key 1990 stat: Blended into background
Kevin Belcher, by the numbers:

2: Career hits
3: Career appearances on Baseball Card Bust
6: Career strikeouts
15: Career at-bats
24: Hours a day his teammates mocked him for throwing like a girl
48: Weight, in pounds, of his eyeglasses
50: Percentage of his body that is covered in blue
100: Percent chance the only reason anyone remembers him is because of his last name

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com

Kevin Belcher, 1991 Fleer

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer

Name: Pedro Munoz
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: All the tobacco and food you can scrape off Pedro Munoz's teeth
Key 1990 stat: 7½ hat; 8¾ head
It's time for a location-based pop quiz:

Wait a sec; where the hell is Pedro Munoz standing?

(A) In the second deck of old Tigers Stadium
(B) In the second deck of a stadium that isn't Munoz's or the Twins' home stadium
(C) In the second deck of a green-screen studio with a generic baseball stadium background
(D) In the second deck of worthless baseball cards with blinding yellow borders
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:

It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?

(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: You know how much oxygen is in space? That much money.
Key 1991 stat: They were all out of this world
Breaking down this Randall Cunningham card by the numbers:

3: Nondescript planets that look about as dead as the Eagles' current season
3 (again): Footballs, two of which don't appear to be obeying any laws of physics
2: Towels hanging from Cunningham's belt, tastefully covering his bulge
6: Faraway galaxies seen. Whoops, make that five. One of them is just some Parmesean cheese we spilled on the card.
1: Huge cobweb that Cunningham is trapped in. Hopefully his helmet and pads will protect him from the giant space spider that made that thing.

Randall Cunningham, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 110)

Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Name: Tim Brown
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Used charcoal
Key 1991 stat: 75,201 yawns
Catch this pop quiz:

What's the deal here?

A) Hey, nothing goes together better than green and gray.
B) This photo was taken in the middle of a fog bank.
C) The background is meant to be symbolic of the always-excitable Art Shell.
D) Congratulations, you've now seen the world's most boring football card.
E) All of the above.

Tim Brown, 1991 Fleer (Football Friday No. 84)

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sand
Key 1990 stat: Six tones of red
Clearing up some rumors about Ruben Sierra:

• Ruben Sierra did not huff his own bat. He only huffed glue.
• He did not wear a badge bigger than his head. Few things were bigger than his head.
• He did not play in Arizona, the only U.S. state with saguaros.
• He was not the star of "Dune." He just wished he was.
• Smoke from the things he burned did not turn into clouds. Usually.
• His pants did not have more wrinkles than Betty White's face.

Ruben Sierra, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Paul Faries, 1991 Fleer

Name: Paul Faries (yes, really)
Team: San Diego Ponces, er, Padres
Position: Infielder
Value of card: Yes, his name is really Faries. Stop laughing.
Key 1990 stat: .189 batting average
Tragedy in the making: Poor Paul Faries never had a chance. Between his inability to hit the ball (career .201 batting average), the fact that he was cross-eyed and his unfortunate last name, you have to wonder if he wasn't the recipient of a pity promotion. How long do you think it took after he walked into the locker room and said, "Hi, I'm Paul Faries," before Ed Whitson and the San Diego Chicken had this little guy pantsed and duct-taped to the foul pole?

Paul Faries, 1991 Fleer

Jose Offerman, 1991 Fleer

Name: Jose Offerman

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Give us an offer, man

Key 1990 stat: Five fingers on Body Glove elbow brace

It's time for The Caption: "Jose Offerman, above, half-heartedly and poorly poses for a worthless baseball card while wearing a Body Glove elbow brace and socks with fake stirrups Tuesday in Vero Beach, Fla., surrounded by much better teammates and a blinding yellow rectangle."

Jose Offerman, 1991 Fleer

Kevin Romine, 1991 Fleer

Name: Kevin Romine

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Soap scum

Key 1990 stat: 761 hairs lost

Time for a — oh, god that yellow is blinding — pop quiz:

Why is Kevin Romine tipping his cap?

(A) He's being recognized for not only being the president, but also a client.

(B) His teammates honored him for longest, flattest bulge of the season.

(C) He's being awarded the prestigious Golden 'Stache award.
(D) He's not tipping his cap; he's blocking the reflection off his massive forehead.
(E) None of the above.

Kevin Romine, 1991 Fleer

Joe Bitker, 1991 Fleer

Name: Joe Bitker

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Pitcher, apparently

Value of card: A slug cooked on a sidewalk in the summer in Arlington

Key 1990 stat: Christ, who could care after looking at this card?

C'mon, Fleer; clean it up: Really, Fleer? Really? This is your attempt at a baseball card in the early 1990s? Pathetic. Look at this schmuck. You felt it necessary to include in the set some bum who even die-hard Rangers fans — both of them — have never heard of? This guy's chocolate sundae-splotched mustache should have been enough to leave him off the esteemed 1991 Fleer roster. The blinding yellow border is torture enough, for chris'sakes. My eyes! My eyes! But, as the Fleer brass, you made the decision to track down old Jack ... er ... John ... er ... Joe Bitker for a studio shot. Couldn't we have chalked this one up to "We'll get 'em next year"? I mean, come on: Sears provides the poor with better studio-shot backgrounds. Yeah, and great work with the contrast between his jersey and the bed sheet behind him, too. The only way you could have given collectors a worse card is if instead of that pallid sheet behind this bum you gave the world the gift of a little more of the eye-gouging yellow that's plastered on the border of every card in what is perhaps the ugliest set of sports memorabilia the world has ever seen.

Joe Bitker, 1991 Fleer

Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Name: Howie Long
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 268 lbs. of hunk
Key 1990 stat: Two gigantic veins
The essence of a man: Look at Howie Long. Women want him, men want to be him, and artists want to draw him. The bulging, rippling arm muscles. The cropped, well-manicured blond hair. The jaunty neck pads. The steely gaze that reminds us of Slider from "Top Gun." The incredibly defined arm veins. The bullet marks in the wall behind him. The slightly torn jersey that only hints at the oiled chest below. The suggestively untucked belt that hints at, well, you know. It's likely no coincidence the artist stopped just above the crotch. He probably couldn't bring himself to draw that bulge. Some things are simply not for children's eyes.

Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin, 1991 Fleer Superstars Special

Names: Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin
Teams: Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinnati Reds
Positions: Outfield, shortstop
Value of card: 8 pounds of awkwardness
Key 1990 stats: Zero words actually exchanged
It's a 1990 NLCS retro Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that looks like eyebrows (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 2: Dumbest look on face (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Inability to realize where the camera is (Winner: Larkin)
Round 4: Potential for ruining career by moving to New York (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 5: Alliterative name (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 6: Inability to get out of that net they're trapped in (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Secretly sad on the inside (Winner: Bonilla)
Round 8: Fake gold jewelry (Winner: Larkin)
Round 9: Who does the card itself resemble? (Winner: Bonilla)

Final score: Bonilla 5, Larkin 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: The Killer B's got swatted by the Reds in the 1990 NLCS, but Bonilla brings the Bucs an entirely meaningless win in this Matchup.

Bobby Bonilla, Barry Larkin, 1991 Fleer Superstars Special

Eric Davis, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Eric Davis

Team: Cincinnati Reds

Positions: Outfield, outer space

Value of card: 3 space bucks

Key 1990 stat: .295 pha (planet hitting average)

10 titles for this intergalactic abomination of a card:

10) "Cincinnati: The Final Frontier"

9) "The Big Dipper of Chew"

8) "Eric the Red Giant"

7) "(Insert Uranus joke here)"

6) "Cocaine in a Night's Sky"

5) "Easy Out in Outer Space"

4) "Constellation: Wristband Major"

3) "Black A-Hole"

2) "A Galaxy of Bad Art"

1) "Bulge in Space"

Eric Davis, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Name: Mike Singletary

Team: Chicago Bears

Positions: Middle linebacker, among the flames

Value of card: Dollar bill, burned to ash

Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns

Nothing cold about him: Mike Singletary had a steely stare and a fire burning inside. He fanned the flames of the vaunted Bears defense - when he was hot, so was the team. The middle linebacker attacked quarterbacks with a blaze of speed and devoured running backs at every turn. He was the spark the team needed and turned up the heat on the opposition. But if opponents really wanted to ignite his anger, they did one thing: They called him a flamer.

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)