Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An 8-ounce glass of San Francisco street puddle water
Key 1990 stat: 716 times opponents made snide comments about his last name
It's time for The Caption, which most likely never ran in The San Francisco Chronicle in the early 1990s: "Kirt Manwaring, left, of the San Francisco Giants, engages in a knock-down, drag-out fight with Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace, right, after a violent game of Twister that started when Grace barreled into Manwaring at home and challenged the catcher to a best-hair contest to decide whether the run would count despite the basic rules of baseball, which, obviously, disallow such childish behavior by two grown men with spectacular coifs, on Wednesday at Candlestick Park in San Francisco."

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rotting apple cores
Key 1990 stat: 10 fruits thrown during games
10 instances of Frank Viola throwing fruit, and the outcome of each:
10) He threw a grapefruit, and the players at spring training in Florida thought it was appropriate.
9) He threw a banana, and the phallic jokes ensued.
8) He threw a blueberry, and it was his only strikeout of the day.
7) He threw a nectarine, and then pointed to his turtleneck.
6) He threw a kumquat, and everyone started giggling.
5) He threw a lemon, and Chet Lemon charged the mound.
4) He threw a tomato, and then realized Mets fans were also throwing tomatoes, at him.
3) He threw a tangerine with that hairdo, and someone yelled, "Hey, fruit!"
2) He threw a watermelon, and some slugger named Gallagher hit a home run with a sledgehammer.
1) He threw a big apple, and 42,712 New Yorkers booed the obvious pun.

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 3)

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Name: David Fulcher
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: POP!
Key 1990 stat: 14 grade-school artists employed at Score
Meet Batman's new arch-nemesis: Batman and Robin had battled all of Gotham's villains and made the city safe again for all its citizens until the rise of The Fulcher, a new breed of evildoer whose proclivity to POP! struck fear into the hearts of the populace. Everywhere The Fulcher went, he would POP! POP! POP! These overly animated action words were, of course, some of Batman and Robin's most vital weapons, so the Dynamic Duo were up against a criminal the likes of which they had never seen. In battle after battle, The Fulcher would push Batman and Robin to the brink of 1960s TV death with a relentless stream of POPS!, leaving our heroes with only enough breath to WHAM! their way back to the Bat Cave. In their final battle with The Fulcher, the Caped Crusader and his trusted avian compatriot were being POP! POP! POPPED! until Adam West and Burt Ward could barely utter tired catchphrases. With the lives of Gotham's citizens hanging in the balance, and our heroes beaten down and in need of a miracle, The Fulcher's groin went POP!, and Batman rose again.

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Carl Everett, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Name: Carl Everett
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Center field
Value of card: We could "score" it for a penny
Key 1990 stat: Zero run-ins with the law — for now
New York Yankees' scouting report on No. 1 pick Carl Everett: "It appears by this photo he has no problem playing under the glare of a thousand suns, so the New York media shouldn't be a problem. ... One thing you can count on: no personal controversies. ... Looks good in pinstripes, even pinstripes on a uniform for a pizza parlor-sponsored team. ... We've only seen him in underexposed photos, so we have no idea what he really looks like. ... Has a plus arm, plus bat, plus speed, but minus math comprehension. ... We like his baseball IQ; his real IQ, not so much. ... He has the skills to become an offensive player, and we mean someone whose play is offensive. ... We liked him when we saw him a few months ago, but since then we looked at this card and became blind, so we only have memory to go on."

Carl Everett, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Dwight "Doc" Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One drinking straw
Key 1990 stat: Endless talent wasted
The charges against Dwight Gooden, as leveled by The Bust:

• One count of impersonating a mustache
• One count of impersonating a medical practitioner
• 500 counts of "writing prescriptions" for himself, using a mirror and rolled-up dollar bill
• 20 counts of fraud for luring us into buying all these baseball cards of his, thinking they'd be worth something
• Two counts of loitering with the wrong crowd (on the Mets and the Yankees)

Dwight "Doc" Gooden, 1991 Score The Franchise

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Center field
Value of card: Three broken crayons
Key 1990 stat: Size 27-¾ cap
10 reasons Griffey's head is so big:
10) He knows he has the best mustache of all the eighth-graders.
9) He's proud of having baseball in his blood.
8) As a Mariner, he's a skilled seaman. (rim shot)
7) Somehow, mysteriously, his neck's mass flowed into his cranium and disappeared.
6) He had to grow it that big to fit into the only helmet the team would give him.
5) He always knew he'd be the subject of a fine work of art, again.
4) Supermodels would kill for his legs.
3) He's trying to entice the army of faceless zombies behind him by showing off his massive brain.
2) He's impressed by his own illustrated bulge.
1) Elephantiasis

Ken Griffey Jr., 1991 Score All-Star

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: The Greatest Quarterback Ever
Value of card: The original painting sold for 11 cents in 1996. So, less than the original painting
Key 1990 stat: One state renamed for a quarterback
Behind the Numbers: We here at The Bust spent hours painstakingly counting the dots used to make this vomit-inducing awe-inspiring painting of Joe Montana. The total: 46,312.

Other times Joe Montana reached 46,312:

• Montana residents with Joe Montana tattoos.
• Struggling painters who tried to use Joe Montana to make a buck (including card above).
• Connections made with Jerry Rice, and that was only when the two were hitting the club.
• SEGA checks cashed. 
• Times scored (including card above).

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three shell casings
Key 1990 stat: 312 broken bats
10 people sniper Bo Jackson picked off with his "fire arm":
10) The tailor who preferred too-tight pants
9) Chuck Connors
8) Some dude Bo met who doesn't wear wristbands
7) His Bizarro World nemesis, "Dough" Blackson
6) The grounds crew head, who replaced the field with a vortex
5) A member of the Blue Man Group
4) Fellow "Human Dynamo" Kirby Puckett, who looked at him funny
3) A fan in the 12th row who disparaged flip glasses
2) A linebacker trying to make a tackle on running back Bo Jackson in the following football season
1) The lead graphics designer at Score

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:

• Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
• This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
• Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
• Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
• "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Barry Bonds
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1990 stat: Normal-size testes
We've got questions, you've got answers:

What crime was Barry Bonds accused of before this mug shot was taken?

A) Facial hair fraud — that thing is drawn on, and poorly at that
B) Reckless smirking
C) Grand theft crappy personalized necklace
D) It's (cream and) clear, isn't it?
E) All of the above

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 K
Key 1990 stat: 3 million blue lasers shot from his backside
Here's a question: What does the K in K-Man stand for?

A) Ketchup
B) Kazoo
C) Keister
D) Kama Sutra
E) Kung fu
F) Kall of the above

Frank Viola, 1991 Score K-Man

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Name: David Fulcher

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Position: Strong safety

Value of card: Seven hangnails

Key 1990 stat: Zero untended cuticles

Script from Lee Press-On Nails for Men TV commercial, circa 1991: "Guys, I know you want to look your best, but you want to look tough, too. I'm David Fulcher, a hard-hitting strong safety in the National Football League. (Cut to shot of Fulcher slamming into an opposing player.) But just because I nail my opponents at work doesn't mean my nails have to look bad at home. (Cut to shot of Fulcher's nails, glistening.) That's why I choose Lee Press-On Nails for Men. They're smooth, sexy — and a steal, at only $1.99 for a box of 12. (Cut to shot of female backup singers.) 'One ninety-nine, are you out of your mind?' We're not out of our minds, sports fans. So listen to me, David Fulcher, a tough guy with a soft side. (Cut to shot of Fulcher bench-pressing a bed full of bunnies.) When you want to put your best foot forward, let Lee Press-On Nails for Men give you a hand. I do. (Cut to shot of Fulcher fluttering his glistening nails.)"

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken colored pencil
Key 1990 stat: 32 inches of chin
The illustrated man: This card is absurd. Look at how out proportion parts of it are! The size is wrong, the shape is wrong, and the ghosts in the dugout scare us a little bit. At least they got Jose Canseco's head size right. Wait, you thought that's what we were talking about earlier? No, no. We meant Canseco's shoes. They're so tiny and wrinkly! His head size and mullet, of course, are only slightly off.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Name: Dennis Smith
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Boom-boom
Key 1991 stat: One random lower-case 'r' in CrUNCH CREW
Just call him JaMarcus: Dennis Smith hit people hard. He was a physical specimen at the linebacker position, and was an easy selection for a spot on the CrUNCH CREW. Thus began the end of his career. You see, teammate Sammy Winder presented Smith with a Nestle Crunch bar in honor of the accomplishment. Smith had never tasted the crispy, chocolaty treat before. But once he tore off the confection's foil wrapper and sank his teeth into the goodness underneath, something in him changed. He was insatiable. He sat at home for weeks at a time, cases of Crunch bars surrounding him, little balls of foil littering the floor, his hands slathered in melted chocolate and little bits of puffed rice. In 1992, by the time training camp rolled around, Smith could also roll around. He weighed 461 pounds, and never put on a helmet again.

Dennis Smith, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (NFL Kickoff Week No. 5)

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 ounces of eraser rubbings
Key 1990 stat: 169-pound head, 4-pound brain
Here we go again: We've seen this before. An illustrated card on which the player is given a giant head. How original. One bright spot: This card reminded us here at the Bust of "NBA Jam," particularly the big-head code. So, rather than spend another second on this ridiculous card, here are our 10 favorite sports video game Easter eggs.

10) "NBA 2K3": Kobe Bryant rape trial minigame
9) "Winning 11 7": Zinedine Zidane headbutt maneuver
8) "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11": "Bar Wench Conqueror" trophy
7) "Madden NFL '94": Picture of O.J. Simpson pops up every time you choose a jailbreak blitz
6) "Wii Sports" tennis game: Nude code for all Miis
5) "Tecmo Super Bowl": Bill Romanowski 'roid rage mode
4) "NHL 2002": Hockey could be played in Phoenix. Like that would ever happen.
3) "Big Bass Fishing": Go off course and "Dueling Banjos" would start playing
2) "Tecmo NBA Basketball": Michael Jordan gambling suspension mode
1) "MLB 2001": Barry Bonds big head mode. Oh, wait, they were just modeling it on real life.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Score All Star

Rondell White, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Name: Rondell White

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Left field

Value of card: 1 liter, Canadian maple syrup, regurgitated

Key 1990 stat: 14 ounces of face sweat

Expos' scouting report on first-round pick Rondell White: "Never seen him play, but looks good posing in front of the sun. ... Doesn't mind wearing a hat that has been sat on for six weeks. ... Says Montreal is his favorite city in "America's Hat." ... Despite last name, is not Caucasian. ... Wears wristband on arm, shin and, um, well, let's just say he doesn't need to wear a cup. ... May or may not have eyebrows, eyelashes and hair. ... No one wears a blue belt better. ... Has a plus bat, but a minus Photoshop bat. ... Recycling his face sweat could cut in half field-watering costs. ... Has said he won't be an Expo; he's a Now-spo."

Rondell White, 1991 Score 1st Round Draft Pick

Felix Jose, 1991 Score

Name: Felix Jose
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 4 ounces, used contact solution
Key 1990 stat: 10,942,444 blinks
Felix Jose's train of thought from 2:19 to 2:20 p.m. May 28, 1990: "Dang, strike one. I never should have bet Willie McGee that I could get a base hit with my eyes closed. Whitey's gonna kill me! At least with my eyes closed, I don't have to look at Willie's face. Crap, strike two. I think I almost had that one, though. Oops, wait, I'm not actually in the batter's box. Isn't it weird that I have two first names? Maybe I'll name my kid Jose Jose. Ha! Little JoJo. OK, here comes the pitch. Ow! I can't believe I just swung at a pitch that hit me in the head!"

Felix Jose, 1991 Score