Joe Girardi, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 61)

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Dandruff
Key 1990 stat: Impeccable eyebrows
The end of an era: It's been well over a year since we started mocking the ill-conceived 1991 Studio baseball card set, and we've all had a few laughs. (You laughed once, right?) Alas, we've run through the worst of a bad lot, and rather than run this gag further into the ground, we've decided to end the black-and-white antics. A look at this card should tell you why. You see, the idea behind the 1991 Studio set was to give card collectors a more personable glimpse at their favorite players. For some, this meant incorporating wildlife into the shot. For others, it meant a prized piece of clothing. Some players stared meaningfully into the camera, while others showed how carefree they could be. But by the time the photogs got to Joe Girardi, they had run out of ideas. "You're a catcher, right?" you can almost hear the shooter saying. "I don't know, maybe put your mask on top of your head? We haven't done that yet. Yeah, great." And that's a wrap.

Joe Girardi, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 61)

Don Slaught, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 60)

Name: Don Slaught
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Catcher
Value of card: $10 for 10 minutes
Key 1990 stat: 1,941 "jobs" in one year
10 things about Slaught that would be true if you took out the "A," "G" and "H" from his last name:
10) For an extra $5, he'd wear only the turtleneck.
9) He would spend his days on the ball field, but his nights would be at The Blue Oyster.
8) He would call his mustache "Davy Jones' Locker."
7) His hairy legs would look amazing under a spandex miniskirt and knee-high boots.
6) After years on the streets, he'd have an unmentionable peg body part.
5) He would dress like his team's mascot and strut down The Strip.
4) He would have a Friday night "battery mate" special.
3) Despite his profession, he'd have a heart of gold.
2) He would own a parrot. A naked one.
1) Catching? he would ask. How much?

Don Slaught, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 60)

Curt Schilling, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 59)

Name: Curt Schilling
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two fingers of milk
Key 1990 stat: 26 bloody socks laundered
Curt Schilling's train of thought from 2:14 to 2:16 p.m. April 3, 1991: "I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe they dragged me to this studio for another crappy baseball card. How can I make it look cool? Well, I already look pretty hunky in this turtleneck. But that's not enough. What to do? What to do? Maybe I'll show them my fastball grip. No, that's not great. What about my curveball? No, that won't work. How about the change-up? Nah, nothing doing. The slide piece? The forkball? The slurve? No, no and no. Eureka! I've got it. I'll show the photographer the move I used on his sister last night."

Curt Schilling, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 59)

Dave Stewart, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 58)

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: A trip to the free clinic
Key 1990 stat: Collar perfectly popped
Top 10 things seduced by Dave Stewart's voluminous collar and bedroom eyes:
10) A lot of girls with perms
9) Matt Williams' bat, leading to his .125 average in the '89 Series
8) Half of the women in Oakland
7) Half of the men in Oakland
6) Tony LaRussa
5) The San Diego Chicken. Wait, that was Cecil Fielder.
4) His own glove
3) The lady Frank Thomas had his eyes on
2) Stomper
1) You. Come on, admit it.

Dave Stewart, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 58)

Darren Daulton, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 57)

Name: Darren "Dutch" Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The wrapper from a Phillies Blunt
Key 1990 stat: 2,519 games of peek-a-boo played with catcher's mask (by himself)
It's time for a behind-the-plate pop quiz:

Why was Darren Daulton nicknamed "Dutch"?

(A) He was a huge fan of the 1991 film starring Ed O'Neill that was reviewed as being "like 'Home Alone' but with Bart Simpson."
(B) He was born and raised in Hoogezand-Sappemeer in Groningen province in the Netherlands
(C) He lived the "dutch door" lifestyle: mind closed, pants open.
(D) He like to pull the bed covers over teammates' heads and break wind.
(E) He smoked really crappy cigars.
(F) None of the above.

Darren Daulton, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 57)

David Justice, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 56)

 

Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three cents more than if the card was burned
Key 1990 stat: Mentality of a 2-year-old
Actual conversation between Studio photographer and David Justice prior to this photo:
Studio photog: "OK, Mr. Justice, if you want to go ahead and put the bat down, we can get started."
David Justice: "Peek-a-boo! I see you!"
SP: "Ha-ha, that's very cute sir, but please, we've got Charlie Hough waiting, and we're not sure how much longer he can stay awake."
DJ: "Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!"
SP: "Mr. Justice, please, this is ridiculous. Can we just act like adults and get some photos taken?"
DJ: "Peek-a-boo! There you are!"
SP: "Yes, here I am, and here's my middle finger. Now, stop it!"
DJ: "I see you!"
SP: "Fine, you don't want to have a nice, personable photo like the rest of the guys in this set? You want to look like an idiot? Fine."
DJ: "Peek-a-boo!"
SP: (Snaps photo) "This guy's even worse than that dude who looked like an owl."

David Justice, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 56)

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Name: Ron Robinson
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth the hair on Robinson's back
Key 1990 stat: 43 pounds gained
Let's look at Ron Robinson, by the numbers:

4,960: Hairs in beard
496: Hairs on head
2: Rhyming names
0: Respectable names
218.3: Innings pitched, 1990 for Milwaukee Brewers
218.3: Trees chopped down, 1990 for Johnson & Thompson Lumberjacks
12,985: Steely-eyed stares
12,985: Words muffled by voluminous beard
12,985: Brews drank by this Brewer

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Name: Andy Benes
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A fish taco wrapper
Key 1990 stat: Slow to anger
Conversation between Studio photographer and Andy Benes, Feb. 22, 1991:
Studio photog: "OK, Mr. Benes, I was you to look angry now. Give the camera your meanest look."
Andy Benes: "Angry? Dude, I live in San Diego and make a living playing baseball. It's pretty hard for me to get mad."
SP: "Just give it a shot."
AB: "OK, here goes." (smiles into camera) "How is that?"
SP: "Umm, that's not really what I was looking for. Here, what happens if we do a little role playing? For instance, let's say I'm the opposing batter. How do you feel about me?"
AB: (Smiles into camera) "Whatever, you're probably not going to get a hit, and even if you do, who cares? San Diego rules! It's sunny and warm almost all year, and there are fresh fish tacos everywhere."
SP: "OK, I'm the ump and I've just thrown you out of the game and called your mother a prostitute."
AB: (Still smiling) "Sweet, fish taco time starts early! And everyone knows my mom's a saint."
SP: "An abusive cop? A scuzzball politician? Hitler? Nothing?! Hmm, wait a minute. Let's say I'm the barber, and I have orders to trim up that fine mullet you're growing back there?"
AB: (Smile falls off face) "What did you say? Look, mister, you take your unholy blades and get the hell out of San Diego, you butcher! Damn your eyes!"
SP: "Perfect, thanks!"

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Rotting seaweed
Key 1990 stat: 7 games of Dungeons & Dragons played per week
Studio quiz time: What direction did the photographer give Randy Johnson just before this photo was taken?

A) "OK, just have a seat and try not to look awkward."
B) "Let's try to, um, highlight your, er, best features. (pauses) You know what? Never mind."
C) "No, no, there's no need to shave. Or comb your hair. Or shower. Just act naturally."
D) "Go ahead and cross your arms like a nervous teenager. Yeah, that looks nice."
E) "So, later on, you want to show me why they call you the Big Unit?"

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

John Olerud, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 52)

Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: Safety first
Key 1990 stat: 17-inch-long neck
Top 10 weirdest places John Olerud wore his batting helmet:
10) A photography studio
9) Sir Putts-a-Lot Miniature Golf Course
8) Christmas dinner
7) The Spotted Blue Jay Gentlemen's Club
6) His son's Little League games
5) The infield (duh)
4) The womb
3) Inside a bouncy castle
2) Inside an actual castle
1) You'll have to ask Mrs. Olerud

John Olerud, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 52)

Hal Morris, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 51)

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First base
Value of card: Even trade for NKOTB self-titled debut cassette tape
Key 1990 stat: 6,200 hairs that make up one sexy set of bangs
The legend of Hal Morris: Hal Morris grew up in Boston in a sports-crazy family. But he loved to sing and dance and could play the trombone, harp, gong, kazoo, oboe and fiddle. He wanted to become an entertainer, but his father pushed him into sports and forbade young Hal from taking the stage and belting out tunes. This sent the child into an emotional tailspin. By day, he played baseball. By night, he cried. But then he met some new kids on the block: Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan and Jonathan. After baseball practice with the jocks, young Hal would tell his father he was headed to the library, but he'd head straight to the studio where he'd practice pop-and-lock dance routines and write catchy tunes. He took his secret career "Step by Step," always "Hangin' Tough" even when adversity got in his way. "Call It What You Want," but everyone knew young Hal had "The Right Stuff" onstage. During this secret double life, he became the sixth member of New Kids on the Block, but, after helping write some of the boy band's greatest hits, young Hal's father found out about the group and made his son promise he would never perform again. Hal was sent to Cincinnati while Donnie, Danny, Joey, Jordan and Jonathan reached 1980s mega-superstardom. By day, Hal played baseball. By night, he cried.

Hal Morris, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 51)

Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Name: Tom Candiotti
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 26 eyelashes plucked from face
Key 1990 stat: 12 mph knuckleball
Tom Candiotti is known for his knuckleball; 10 other things he's known for:
10) Bad special effects of a fake knuckleball on a mediocre baseball card
9) Those fabulous bangs
8) His sad addiction to grandma candy, thus his nickname: Hard Candi Man
7) One-handed gang signs, cuz
6) His middle name: Caesar (true)
5) Wearing an Indians uniform despite playing for the Blue Jays
4) The No. 1 unibrow in the American League
3) His prowess among the pins as a bowler
2) Contra Costa County bloody knuckles champion, 1986
1) Penis hat hair

Tom Candiotti, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 50)

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Name: Gregg Jefferies
Team: New York Mets
Position: Second base
Value of card: The height of early 1990s fashion (so, nothing good)
Key 1990 stat: More G's than any human could possibly need
Gregg Jefferies' dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TripleG2K
Age: I'm in my prime
Height: 5'11" (6'3" when my hair reaches its full potential)
Weight: 175 agile pounds
Hair color: Baby brown
Hairstyle: Tall, dark and handsome
Ethnicity: New Yorker
Marital status: Playing the field
Best feature: Real leather jacket
Smoke? I'm smokin', all right
Drink? Hell, I'm drunk right now

Seeking: Queens
Location: Aw crap, I meant to put "Queens" on this line
Her body type: Body, schmody; let's talk about hair
Her religious views: Anything but the one that worships cows       I don't think they'd like my stylish jacket too much.

About me: Hey there, girls, you may know me as the star second baseman for your New York Mets, but I'm much more than an athlete       I'm also one good-looking dude. My sick hairdo lets me know when it's raining minutes before anyone else realizes it, and my smokin' leather Mets jacket will keep us both warm. Did I mention it's real leather? Go ahead, give it a smell. Oh, one other thing you should know: that third G in my first name? It stands for G-spot finder. Ohhhh yeah. Ring me up, ladies, and let's trade everything from hair stylists' phone numbers to bodily fluids.

Gregg Jefferies, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 49)

Randy Milligan, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 48)

Name: Randy Milligan
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: First base
Value of card: Three dead orioles in a shoebox, left on your ex-girlfriend's porch
Key 1990 stat: 3 inches in receding hairline
Conversation between Randy Milligan and a Studio photographer, April 12, 1991:
Studio photographer: Hello, Randy. It's good to have you here.
Randy Milligan: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Uh, yeah. We're glad to have you here for this photo session.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, Randy. It's a photo session. Studio is kind of a new idea we think will be a hit with collectors.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Um, well, yes. We think fans are craving something new. Something more personal than cards with typical action shots.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, Randy. Yes. We believe this is a big step forward in the baseball card industry. We foresee players shedding their professional personas and giving their biggest fans an insider's look at who they are. We want to bring the humanity back to the game through candid portraits that give a familiar yet complicated look at who you guys really are.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Yes, yes, yes. We want to get to the real you. We want you to show your fans that you're not some machine that repeats the same actions over and over. You're a human being, Randy, and our job today is to convey that.
RM: (rotates head, makes eye contact and smiles wide) Oh, realllllly?
SP: Really. (snaps photo)

Randy Milligan, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 48)

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Name: Frank Viola
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three fibers from a towel
Key 1990 stat: 365 extra-long showers
Frank Viola's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: curly69
Age: A child at heart
Height: Fit in a shower stall
Weight: 92 kilos
Hair color: Mets' orange
Hairstyle: Never-ending curls
Ethnicity: Italian lover
Religious views: Towelism
Want children: Yes, 17 of them
Marital status: Single and ready to mingle
Best feature? Too many to name
Smoke? Often
Drink? Usually

Seeking: A woman to share a shower with
Location: In the bathtub
His/her body type: Wet
His/her ethnicity: Mustachioed

About me: Hey, ladies. It's me, Frankie V, the insatiable left-hander with a taste for showers. As you can see, I'm usually soaking wet and toweling off. It takes a long time to shampoo all these curls, and even longer to soap up this 'stache, and I need a pretty partner to help get me through those long, steamy times under the big stream. Want a little Viola in your life? Voila!

Frank Viola, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 47)

Terry Mulholland, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 46)

Name: Terry Mulholland
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Razor burn
Key 1990 stat: No ointment used
The ol' neck ball: Coming off a season in which he had only 75 strikeouts in 180 innings, Terry Mulholland was stressing out. He had already been traded once, and he knew he needed to do something to keep his career afloat. After a few bad outings in the spring, Mulholland's stress manifested itself in the form of psoriasis on his neck. At first, the southpaw was embarrassed and tried to cover up his unsightly condition. But he quickly realized he could scuff up a new baseball on his flaky neck, giving him another inch of drop on his breaking ball. That year, Mulholland K'd a career-high 142 batters — and skipped 39 doctor's appointments.

Terry Mulholland, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 46)

Leo Gomez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 45)

Name: Leo Gomez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Third base
Value of card: 2 ounces of oriole droppings
Key 1990 stat: One Kirk Douglas chin
Evening things out: Leo Gomez wasn't a big name, but he sure had a big chin. In Hollywood, this size of chin is revered. In baseball, it can prove detrimental, which it did for Gomez, whose batting average dropped with every millimeter his chin grew. The bigger the hole in his chin, the bigger the hole in his swing. Gomez knew he had to do something. But how to even out the weight from the 12-pound chin constantly pulling on the rest of his face? How about a 12-pound pair of face shields that came with a free squeegee. The glasses Gomez chose were so big they needed a reinforcement bar across the top of the frames. The glasses came with a third, mini lens between the two massive lenses, which each once served as golf cart windshields. And the nose pads? Gomez could have used them as snowshoes in the winter. Despite their size, Gomez wore the glasses during every game. They evened out the weight distribution on his face, counteracting the pull of the action star chin. But his batting average? It stayed so small you could barely see it.

Leo Gomez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 45)

Bob Welch, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 44)

Name: Bob Welch
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Gift certificate for three minutes of studio time with an idiot photographer
Key 1990 stat: 44 straight minutes of one-ball juggling
Bob Welch's train of thought from 10:13 to 10:14 April 10, 1991: "OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball, Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh! OK. Catch the ball. Doh!"

Bob Welch, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 44)

Sparky Anderson, 1991 Studio (Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Sparky Anderson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Worthless? Check
Key 1990 stat: Quadruple bypass
Sparky bookends: We started Coach-Manager Week with the lovable Sparky and we're ending with Sparky, too. Why? Here's a checklist:

1 ¤ He's the prototypical old man manager.
2 ¤ He has never aged.
3 ¤ He goes by a rascally nickname and has a smile to match.
4 ¤ He's a winner, not just on the baseball field but at the baccarat tables in the back of seedy Chinese food restaurants.
5 ¤ His wrinkles are as deep as poverty levels in Detroit and resemble the stripes of his beloved Tigers.

You can check it off: Sparky, a manager's manager.

Sparky Anderson, 1991 Studio (Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One cent for each inch of mustache
Key 1990 stat: Hair tousled 1,922 times
Eric Show's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: ShowMeTheMoney
Age: Thirtysomething
Height: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion — oh, I see. 6'1"
Weight: 185
Hair color: The brownest of the browns
Hairstyle: Carefree and greasy
Ethnicity: Spanish (as far as you know)*
(*Note from dating service: He's white)
Religious views: Far-right
Marital status: Once bitten, twice shy
Best feature: Mustache
Smoke? I throw it
Drink? All the Hennessy jou got on jour shelf

Seeking: Mi amor
Location: North America
Her body type: Plump
Her ethnicity: Female

About me: Jes, I am Eric Show, the quasi-Latino lover, and I am here to love jou. My mustache is made from the finest fibers in all of Espana, and my hair contains enough oil to heat our home on cold winter nights.  Please, allow me to be the one to gaze meaningfully into jour eyes as I ply jou with champagne and oysters, building to the moment when we kiss and my mustache's primary purpose switches from warming my lips to warming jours.

Eric Show, 1991 Studio, (Studio Saturday No. 43)