Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero new ideas
Key 1990 stat: 13 RBI
We've been here before: In 1991, Upper Deck was still a new brand, full of fresh ideas and energy. That was, until this card got produced. Oh, gee, Mickey Hatcher with a giant glove. How original! Why not go all out and get Glenn Hubbard to pose with a python, ask Jay Johnstone to put on his umbrella hat, and get Jose Canseco to take his shirt off? Yep, this was the moment Upper Deck moved to the cheap seats.

Mickey Hatcher, 1991 Upper Deck

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

• Ozzie was the smart one
• Jose was the one with the back-ne
• Ozzie was the one who showered
• Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
• Ozzie was the one in the minors
• Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Million-dollar smile
Key 1990 stat: One attempted steal (of your girlfriend)
Dave Winfield's dating profile, circa 1990:

Screen name: WinfieldOfDreams_12
Age: 39
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 pounds (all muscle, baby)
Hair color: Black
Hairstyle: Awesome
Ethnicity: Minnesotan, originally
Want children? I could use a bat boy
Best feature: These pearly whites
Smoke? The occasional fastball
Drink? Gatorade
Religion: I believe in Angels

Seeking: The ladies
Location: Los Angeles? Anaheim? Orange County? One of those
Her body type: Beach bod
Her ethnicity: Tanned


About me: Hey girl, Winny here. After too many seasons in the cold (and cold-heartedness) of New York, I'm back in SoCal, ready to heat things up. Once you're done getting lost in my eyes, drop me line, and we'll see if you can help me work on my power stroke. After all, my jersey may say I'm an Angel, but I'm a real demon once the lights go out. Rrrowwrrr!

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Edgar Diaz
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 gum balls (chewed)
Key 1990 stat: 162 games spent daydreaming in the dugout
Let's see what Edgar Diaz stands for:

Eyes were covered by a vending machine purchase
Dollar shades, $5 haircut
Glasses blocked out the sun — and the ridicule of the masses
Arrived at the decision to gaze at the clouds when he couldn't look himself in the mirror
Radical look? Not so much

Didn't realize he was soon to be nominated for "Coolest Dude on the Brewers"
Incidentally, he stole these shades from a 6-year-old
Awful look in 1991, but a stylish hipster in 2014
Zero chance his teammates let him live down this card

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ted Power
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One blown 40-amp fuse
Key 1990 stat: 160 electrical cables taped to walls
Here's what Ted Power stands for:

That mustache is pretty powerful, all right
Electrician      not his nickname, his future career
Despite surname, arm wasn't all that strong

Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor
Once starred in his own choose-your-own-adventure book
Wears that curly mullet like no one's business
Eyes firmly planted on that tiny ball headed right for him
Really taking his time signing that autograph      you wanna hurry it up, buddy?

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rich Gedman
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Gum, scraped off your shoe
Key 1990 stat: Squinted even more than he squatted
Houston, we have a pop quiz: Who is Rich Gedman impersonating in the above photo?

(A) Dieter from "Sprockets"
(B) Someone who just had one of those bats jammed where the sun don't shine
(C) A mannequin
(D) A professional baseball player
(E) None of the above      that's how he always looked

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:

• His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
• His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
• In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
• He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
• He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rolls of overexposed Fuji film
Key 1990 stat: Zero photos that made the front page
Dave Stewart was an accomplished amateur photographer; here are some of his greatest shots:

• A nearly nude portrait of his friend and third-person speaker extraordinaire Rickey Henderson.
• A shot of teammate Mark McGwire posing as a lumberjack.
• An artistic triptych of Jose Canseco admiring a pop fly to left.
• A seething, beautiful shot that's totally not too close to the face of catcher Ron Hassey.
• A no-nonsense look at closer Dennis Eckersley and his Hall of Fame mullet and mustache.
• An adorable self-portrait. Awwwwwwwww.

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"
 

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bert Blyleven
Team: California Angels
Position: Starter
Value of card: 28 grains of sand
Key 1990 stat: 1,932 hairs in beard
Top 10 things Bert Blyleven has fun doing at the beach:
10) He sunbathes, dressed in only a beard.
9) He struts around and asks all the bikini-clad chicks if they've made it to third base with a Hall of Famer.
8) He takes kids' beach balls, kneels down and laughs about it.
7) Rather than kicking sand in nerds' faces, he full-windup pitches it at them.
6) He makes a sand Angel.
5) He leads a wave.
4) He goes topless and shows off his jockstrap "bikini."
3) Secretly, he spikes the ocean with booze and tells everyone to drink up.
2) He spends hours on his sandbeard.
1) He catches crabs.

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 crotch-ripped pairs of baseball pants
Key 1990 stat: Scotts Miracle-Gro-sponsored Best Batter's Backyard contest runner-up
Advice the Giants' strength and conditioning coach gave Mitchell in the 1991 offseason:

• "You need to stop gorging yourself on chili dogs in the weight room."
• "You shouldn't order more 100-pound plates for the squat rack." 
• "Mixing in a little upper-body work won't hurt ya, Mitch."
• "Yes, those pants make your butt look big. Any pants make your butt look big."

Post and card submitted by Jordan Elam

Kevin Mitchell, 1991 Upper Deck

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ernest Riles
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: One church belt from Goodwill
Key 1990 stat: 14 autographs given — and asked for — in one season
Time for one of our "signature" pop quizzes:

What did Ernest Riles write on that kid's ball?

(A) "Sorry for blinding you with my jersey, Joey."
(B) "Sincerely yours, the esteemed Mr. Turtleneck."
(C) "Thanks for the pen — the pen 15. Get it? Get it?"
(D) "Freddy, you look like a better athlete than that punk in the yellow hat behind me."
(E) "Thanks for telling me to block my bulge with my bat, Marty."
(F) "Sorry, I'm not Rickey Henderson."
(G) None of the above.

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Name: Ottis Anderson
Team: New York Giants
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 ounces of Meadowlands sludge
Key 1990 stat: Two giant feet
Clearing up some rumors about Ottis Anderson:

• Ottis Anderson didn't wear a headband that said, "Giants." He wore a headband that said, "Giant Head Behind Here."
• Ottis Anderson doesn't sport a bald head. He grows out his flowing, stark-white cotton locks. 
• Ottis Anderson doesn't wear a lot of pads. He sometimes forgets to change after starring in Michelin television commercials.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't have two massive feet. They're so big, he calls them yards.
• Ottis Anderson doesn't go by the nickname "O.J." He gave it up as part of a killer deal.

Ottis Anderson, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 118)

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bobby Thigpen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: In cents, one-tenth of the number on his pant leg
Key 1990 stat: Autosaves every five minutes
League of extraordinary gentlemen: With 57 saves in 1990, White Sox closer Bobby Thigpen's secret identity, the SaveMaster, was revealed. Here are a few of his superpowers:

• Could swoop in late, bring down foes that rest of superheroes had already weakened
• Could extend or shorten sleeves at the drop of a hat
• Even if mortally wounded, could go back five minutes in time and start again
• Could afford to retire early, thanks to smart money management
• Could break stuff. You know, like records.

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Frank Tanana, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Frank Tanana, aka Scott Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 crumbled sunflower seed shells
Key 1990 stat: 1,274 X-Men comics read
The Legend of Frank Tanana: On a blustery day high above scenic Alaska, a young Frank Tanana and his family were attacked by an alien spacecraft as they flew home from vacation. Tanana's mother saved him and his brother by throwing them out of the plane with the only parachute. The alien attack scarred Tanana in a way that wouldn't show itself for years. As a teen, Tanana started feeling pain from behind his eyes. He visited a doctor, who discovered that only lenses made of ruby quartz could alleviate the pain. Soon after, Tanana's mutant power revealed itself, and he started shooting uncontrollable blasts of optic force from his eyes. With the ruby quartz shades and much practice, Tanana was able to harness his newfound power and make it to the big leagues, where scouts said he always had that X factor.

Frank Tanana, 1991 Upper Deck

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Name: L.T.
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 56 cents, maybe
Key 1990 stat: Two letters — just two
Time for an initial pop quiz:

What does the huge "L.T." on this card stand for besides Lawrence Taylor?

(A) Lotsa Testosterone
(B) Likes to Tango (see illustration on left)
(C) Lost Temper
(D) Liquor Trouble
(E) Later, Theismann
(F) All of the above

Lawrence Taylor, 1991 Upper Deck team checklist (Football Friday No. 106)

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One shiny, new syringe
Key 1990 stat: 4,108 looks back over the shoulder
Time for a very sexy pop quiz:

What's Mr. Sosa doing here?

A) Stretching out for his next at-bat. TO THE MAX!
B) Making his teammates uncomfortable.
C) Posing for the cover of Butt Fancy Magazine.
D) Preparing for an injection of some kind.
E) All of the above.

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Upper Deck

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Nose tackle
Value of card: The prize at the end of a treasure trail
Key 1990 stat: One drunken laundry mishap
Chicago Bears' scouting report on 1991 second-round draft pick Chris Zorich: "Really seems to hate the Upper Deck logo. ... Knows how to stuff the run, and how to stuff his face with liverwurst. ... It isn't just the uniform — he has a closet full of crop tops. ... During his free time, he makes sweaters out of his belly hair for the poor. ... Will tackle anything that moves. No, seriously, don't make any sudden movements around him. ... Keeps telling everyone he's the bass player for Night Ranger, but we've confirmed this is not true. ... At Notre Dame in 1989, had a team-record 47 break-ups. No, not pass break-ups; he was a real ladies' man. ... Said he was excited to meet The Fridge. We're not sure whether he knows that's a person."

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)