New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Some Mets
Team: See above
Positions: Flying, kneeling, kicking
Value of card: 1 cent for each moron in this photo
Key 1991 stat: 487 innings playing grab-ass
It's time for ultra-stupid pop quiz:

Just what the hell are these three Mets players doing?

(A) Practicing for second, more successful careers as mimes.
(B) Losing a baseball game.
(C) The guy on the left is diving; the guy on the ground is shooting dice; the guy on the right is walking like a toy soldier.
(D) "FUN AT THE BALLPARK"
(E) Demonstrating typical Mets baseball
(F) All of the above, except D.

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Greg Harris
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right-handed pitcher
Value of card: Two sweat-filled Sox
Key 1991 stat: 238 times calling out teammates by pointing
Time for an accusatory pop quiz:

What is Greg Harris saying at this moment?

(A) "No, no, no. You look like an idiot."
(B) "What could you possibly be staring at?"
(C) "Anyone seen my glove?"
(D) "Like my Unabomber impression?"
(E) "Point you, pal. Point you."
(F) "These glasses are so dark I can't see myself in the mirror."
(G) "You making fun of my mustache? No, well all right then."
(H) "You'd take that back if you saw me catch a hard line drive like this."
(I) None of the above.

Greg Harris, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles (about a decade after this photo was taken)
Positions: Shortstop; li'l stinker
Value of card: Two sticks of gum in a pack of baseball cards when Ripken was 11
Key fourth-grade stat: 22 hours in detention
Time for an elementary school pop quiz:

Why was young Cal Ripken Jr. in detention?

(A) He had a terrible attendance record.
(B) He got caught writing the F-word on his brother's bat.
(C) That sweater vest.
(D) He was reading "Iron Man" comic books in class.
(E) All of the above.

Cal Ripken Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Pitcher, handyman
Value of card: A scratch from a rusty nail
Key 1992 stat: One bearded sidekick
Tool time: In the fall of 1991, Roger McDowell fell in love. But his love was not for a woman; it was for new ABC sitcom "Home Improvement." McDowell was so enamored with the antics of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, as played by actor and ex-convict Tim Allen, that the next spring, he came out of the dugout carrying sandpaper, wearing a tool belt and communicating with those around him solely through a series of grunts. Teammates and umpires thought it was strange (the tools, not the grunting      that was nothing new), but since it was an exhibition, McDowell was allowed to keep the belt on. Things got ugly in the sixth when McDowell refused to let reliever Steve Wilson take over for him on the mound unless Wilson covered the lower half of his face with his glove. Wilson, who hadn't seen the sitcom, responded by trying to strangle McDowell with his own tape measure. When McDowell tried to explain that he was The Tool Man, Wilson told him, "Yeah, you're a tool, all right."

Roger McDowell, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Steve Finley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sprayed dirt
Key 1991 stat: Dressed for winter inside a dome
Here's a look at this action-packed card by the numbers:

4: Butt cheeks prominently on display
98.2: Percentage of the two bodies seen here that is covered with clothing
2: Pristine, white stirrup socks that are about to need a washin'
4: Finley was that many inches away from a broken cheekbone
0.5: Actual faces seen on this wonderful card

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Juan Samuel
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Second base
Value of card: Not-so-awesome action
Key 1991 stat: Dove back into first base many, many times
Nice try, Donruss: No one's really sure what the point of the 1992 Donruss Triple Play set was, but several of the cards included action shots with the caption "AWESOME ACTION!" The only problem with this particular card is that the alleged awesome action is Juan Samuel diving back into first on a pickoff play. Ooooooooh, how exciting! Of course, this photo had to beat out something else, so here are some of the shots from this Dodger game rejected by the good folks at Donruss.

• Darryl Strawberry passed out in the dugout after a night of L.A. partying
• Mike Scioscia throwing the ball back to Orel Hershiser after a called strike
• Tommy Lasorda patting his belly
• Roger McDowell trying to give Eddie Murray a hot foot
• Eddie Murray punching Roger McDowell in the gut
• Juan Samuel wiping the dirt off his pants after diving back in to first

Juan Samuel, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Mitch Williams, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Positions: Closer, pitchman

Value of card: Three of the plastic circles left over after manufacturer cuts holes in athletic cups

Key 1991 stat: One annoying song, 21,762 times played

Script from Acme Athletic Cups TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hey there, sports fans. Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams here for Acme Athletic Cups, the world's most supportive codpiece. Take it from a guy who knows what it feels like to get kicked in the junk. (Cut to video of Joe Carter hitting a home run off Williams to clinch World Series title.) When you need protection, support and comfort, smart players slowly and sensually put on an Acme. Acme has been manufacturing the world's most durable athletic cups since the 1930s, and, six decades later, we're still going strong. (Cut to video of unnamed player swinging bat and hitting Williams in crotch.) But Acme cups aren't just strong, they're comfortable. I'm a 'wild' guy who likes to hang out, if you catch my drift. (Cut to shot of Williams perched in dugout, legs spread, bulge on display.) And I like to hang out with the best. Acme, with us, your cup will never runneth over."

Mitch Williams, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Harold Baines, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Harold Baines

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Designated hitter

Value of card: The gum stuck under the desk at which you're sitting

Key 1991 stat: 188 strands of gum stuck in Baines' beard

Script from Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum commercial, circa 1991: "(Gum bubble bursts in camera.) Hey, kids, Harold Baines here for Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum. I'm a designated hitter on the diamond, but I'm a designated blower everywhere else. (Baines blows a bubble that splatters all over his face. He uses his tongue to get it off.) I blow at home. I blow in the car. I blow in the store. I blow on the streets. I blow in alleys. I blow in bath houses. I blow whenever I see a teammate in the locker room. I blow whenever I get the chance. You see, kids, it's all about blowing. And if you want to blow the best, blow Bazooka Joe. You get a good pop in your mouth every time."

Harold Baines, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Dave Henderson (bottom), Jerry Browne

Teams: Oakland A's, Cleveland Indians

Positions: Outfield, second base, entangled

Value of card: One California Lotto Triple Play scratcher ticket, pre-scratched, no matching numbers

Key 1991 stat: One fun-filled afternoon horsin' around

A touchy-feely installment of The Matchup:

Round 1: Youthful exuberance (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: Subtle copped feel (Winner: Henderson)

Round 3: Flip-up sunglasses (Winner: Browne)

Round 4: Eye-scarring brightness of socks (Winner: Henderson)

Round 5: Little-kid climbing ability (Winner: Browne)

Round 6: Tooth gap (Winner: Henderson)

Round 7: Homoerotic tendencies (Winner: Tie)

Score: Henderson 3, Browne 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was just a couple of dudes horsing around on the diamond touching each other in just the right places and in just the right ways, but Henderson proved that copping a feel can be a victory unto itself as well as a part of a bigger victory.

... and you thought that post was bad: The great minds at Donruss had their own cheesy jokes, and decided to include the bits of genius on the back of the card: "These guys could go on the pro-wrestling circuit. Dave Henderson of the Athletics has his arm locked around Jerry Browne's leg and looks like he's giving a piggy-back ride." Feel free to smash your keyboard into a wall now.

Dave Henderson and Jerry Browne, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Julio Franco, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Julio Franco
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Second base
Value of card: One smack on the rump
Key 1991 stat: 28 sexual harassment claims filed against him
Inappropriate behavior: A year after losing his soul mate, Rangers second baseman Julio Franco had finally moved on with his life and began again playing the field, if you will. Unfortunately, Franco's social skills had eroded, leaving him prone to interpersonal gaffes. Here we see a confused Franco about to smack the rear of a nameless opponent — the Bust does not identify victims of sex crimes — or as he called it "slapping the tag." This maneuver not only failed to get him any action, it also got him beaten up by the Milwaukee Brewers bullpen after the game.

Julio Franco, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Larry Walker

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Right field

Value of card: One pair of blue cleats

Key 1991 stat: Seven surgeries on testicles

Time for another pop quiz:

What question did Larry Walker yell after getting to third base?

(A) "Why are you punching me in the nuts?"

(B) "Who's that out-of-focus guy botching up the card?"

(C) "How can I take my eyes off that keister?"

(D) "Why are you copying my mullet?"

(E) "Why are you bent over with your mouth wide open and your hands stretched toward my goods?"

(F) All of the above

Larry Walker, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Lance Johnson, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Lance Johnson

Team: Chicago White Sox

Position: Center field

Value of card: I don't wanna!

Key 1991 stat: NOOOOOO!!!!

Immaturity is not flattering: Oh, the embarrassment after Lance Johnson was called out stealing second May 27, 1991, against the Rangers. Johnson, convinced he was safe, rolled over on his back and starting thrashing about, kicking his legs and pounding his fists while emitting a high-pitched scream that caused dogs near the stadium to start barking. He then sat up, spiked his helmet and yelled, "I hate you! I hate you!" at umpire Jim Quick for the next three minutes. When he saw manager Jeff Torborg come out of the dugout to retrieve him, Johnson laid down, stiff as a board, and started holding his breath. Torborg, sheepish and resigned, dragged Johnson off the field, gave him a spanking and sent him to the locker room to think about what he had done.

Lance Johnson, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Suspect
Team: America's most wanted
Position: No. 7
Value of card: One piece of evidence
Key 1991 stat: One all-points bulletin
Missing: Shayna Kleffman, age 4, was last seen attending a Philadelphia Phillies game on Aug. 22, 1991. She has blond hair, blue eyes and was wearing a pink T-shirt and white skirt at the time of her disappearance. Witnesses say they saw Shayna approaching a man on top of the Phillies' dugout shortly before she was reported missing. The suspect is described as a furry, green manbeast with a large horn in place of a nose or mouth. He was last seen wearing a size 7XL replica Phillies jersey, a red ballcap turned sideways and orange baseball stirrups the size of duffel bags. The suspect has big, beady eyes and may be mentally deranged, police say. He is described as large, violent and extremely stinky. If you have any information on this case, call our tip line at 888-BBC-BUST.

Phillie Phanatic, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

The Famous Chicken, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Chicken

Teams: San Diego Padres, Farmer Joe's barnyard

Positions: Shortstop, freezer section

Value of card: Half-dozen eggs

Key 1991 stats: Two breasts, two thighs, two legs, two wings

The Chicken, in his own words: "Cluck cluck cluck, cluck cluck. Cluckity cluck-cluck. Cluck. Cluck a clucked, cluckity-cluck cluck (squeezes lemon juice over his head). Clucks cluck cluck, a cluck cluck, clucked. A cluck. Cluck cluck cluck clucked, a cluck-cluck. Clucks a cluck. Clucky clucky cluck a cluck-cluck (rubs garlic over his body). Cluck a cluck. Clucky cluck-cluck clucked. Cluck a-cluck cluckity-cluck cluck; clucky cluck clucks a cluck (grinds pepper onto chest). Cluck: Cluck cluck a-cluck a-cluck. Cluck clucks, cluck a cluck a cluck (lathers himself in olive oil). Clucky cluck, cluck clucky cluck, clucked a cluck. Cluck's cluck, a clucky cluck (lays on grill; screams; placed on 60-day disabled list with a side of asparagus).

The Famous Chicken, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.

Team: Seattle Mariners

Positions: Outfield, Magician

Value of card: The coin behind your ear

Key 1991 stat: 24 assistants sawed in half

The Great Griffey: At the tender age of 21, Ken Griffey Jr. was already becoming a superstar with the Seattle Mariners. His raw talent was spectacular, but a large part of his success came from magic. As shown on this card, when Griffey would get tired of swinging the bat, he could still knock the ball 550 feet by levitating the lumber. His teammate father would at times chide The Kid for linking batting doughnuts together and turning Jay "Bone" Buhner into a sea lion. As Griffey grew older and more powerful on the field, his wizardry also gained strength. In 1996, he outdueled David Copperfield for the right to spend a night with the beautiful Claudia Schiffer. When an up-and-coming illusionist named Teller accused Griffey of using his powers irresponsibly, Junior stole the man's voice and gave it to a mute orphan from Vancouver. Griffey began putting on elaborate stage shows involving pumas and flamethrowers, and started a raging love affair with his mysterious gypsy assistant. But when the slugger was traded to Cincinnati prior to the 2000 season, the scorned woman cursed her lover from the waist down, turning his knees and hamstrings into egg shells and taking the pop out of his "bat." In 2009, Griffey returned to Seattle in an attempt to reverse the jinx, only to learn the gypsy had been mauled to death by a blood-thirsty sea lion with a goatee.

Card contributed by Miranda Everitt Stenger

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Sandy Alomar, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Sandy Alomar
Team: Cleveland Indians
Positions: Catcher, father
Value of card: One father-son moment
Key 1991 stat: 158 pounds of eye black used
Danger lurks at every corner: What a cute photo. Sandy Alomar and his son Marcus getting in a little Wiffle Ball batting practice before the game. The little guy's even wearing eye black like his dad. And look at his batting helmet! They could probably use that thing the next time they give him a haircut. My stars, what a precious momen — OH MY GOD, WHAT IS EVIL GRIMACE DOING BACK THERE ON THE LEFT?!! Run, you fools! Don't you know the secret ingredient in the Filet-O-Fish is children's souls!? For the love of all things good and holy, run! Hide the children and save yourselves!

Sandy Alomar, 1992 Donruss Triple Play