Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Name: Benji Gil
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: More like Benji Nil
Key 1991 stat: Rated best jawline in Chula Vista, Calif.
Rangers' scouting report on first-round draft choice Benji Gil: "For such a young kid, he's built like a tank. Wait, no, correction: He moves like a tank. ... Says he can't get enough of Michael Bolton's music. ... Could be a 20-20 guy      meaning hits and errors, not homers and steals. ... Reminds us a bit of Patrick Bateman from 'American Psycho.' So that's frightening. ... Look, the truth is, we thought we were getting the dog from the movies. Our bad."

Benji Gil, 1992 Topps Draft Picks

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Tom McKinnon
Team: Long Beach Whiteshirts St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, soon-to-be designated hitter 
Value of card: One unwashed undergarment
Key 1991 stat: Never smiled
Fun facts about Tom McKinnon and some guy you could pull off the street: 

• Some guy off the street would likely be better-dressed for photo day.
• Some guy off the street might also have had a chance at posting a 3-to-43 walk-to-strikeout ratio while batting in 1994.
• Some guy off the street probably had a high school picture taken with that same backdrop in the 1990s.
• Yeah, well, Tom McKinnon smashed 16 homers and made the all-star team in the independent Big South League in 1996! In your face, some guy off the street!

Tom McKinnon, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Name: Juan Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's laughable
Key 1991 stat: 212 hours spent laughing
It's time for a hilarious pop quiz:

What's so funny, Juan Berenguer?

(A) "That guy just spent 10 minutes trying to pronounce my name."
(B) "Have you ever heard the 'Juan on, Juan out' joke? Hilarious."
(C) "This mustache is so ticklish!"
(D) "Nothing's funny; just showing off my teeth."
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp.

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Topps

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Name: Mike Fetters
Team: California Angels
Position: Reliever
Value of card: 16 sunflower speeds, spit out of Mike Fetters' mouth
Key 1991 stat: Zero innings pitched
Let's take a look at Mike Fetters, by the numbers:

0: Appearances during 1991 season
162: Games spent sitting in the dugout
1,458: Innings spent sitting in anger in the dugout
29,160: Approximate number of minutes spent sitting in the dugout in anger about his lack of playing time
68,448: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Doug Rader
76,901: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Buck Rodgers, who replaced manager Doug Rader after 124 games in 1991 mainly because his name was much cooler
127,811: Murderous thoughts about Topps executives after seeing this card
1,982,905: Murderous thoughts about the talentless hacks behind this baseball card blog after seeing this lackluster post

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Mike Rossiter, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Mike Rossiter
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven dried, crumbling leaves from the tree behind Rossiter
Key 1991 stat: 22 shades of pastel
Oakland A's scouting report on first-round pick Mike Rossiter: "Major league? Well, he has a major-league wave. ... If he doesn't work out pitching on a mound, maybe we can have him plant a tree on one. ... On the plus side, he already has our alternative jersey for stab-out-your-eyes-with-a-rusty-screwdriver night. ... We've determined that the second chin jutting out from his regular chin will shift his weight, thus adding velocity to his fastball. ... We drafted this kid purely based on his spread in the 1991 Sears Christmas Catalog. Smart. ... Upside: smoothest forearms in his graduating class. ... We're going to need to pound him in the side of the head a few times to set his eyes straight. ... Big-league arm? We might be 'barking' up the wrong tree."

Mike Rossiter, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Joe Girardi, 1992 Topps

Name: Joe Girardi
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Squat
Key 1991 stat: No shame
Fun facts about Joe Girardi's bowel movements:

• Girardi kept a travel toilet on the field at all times, just in case. Hence, this card.
• While using said travel toilet, Girardi would often put down the curveball sign, just to make things clear.
• Girardi always wore his mitt and shin guards while on the crapper. And not just his one on the field.
• Girardi's dog would often take a cue from his master, much to the groundskeepers' dismay.
• Girardi offered use of his travel toilet to any of his teammates — but never Don Zimmer. That dude was foul.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Joe Girardi, 1992 Topps

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Brian Barber

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: A wasted first-round draft pick

Key 1991 stat: Zero girlfriends

Cardinals scouting report on first-round pick Brian Barber, circa 1991: "He's a little young — we're hoping he goes through puberty before too much longer. ... Wears his watch on the underside of his wrist. Yeah, he's one of those people. ... Has a wider variety of polo shirts than pitches. ... Last name may be a better career fit than big leaguer. ... If this kid was any greener, he'd be a frog. ... Definitely has the potential to help our AA club win a few games. ... Got an "A" on his history research paper junior year, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says Bob Tewksbury is his role model. We're pretty sure nobody has ever said that before. ... Refuses to eat regular hot dogs. He'll only eat the kind with the cheese inside."

Brian Barber, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo, 1992 Topps Top Prospects

Names: Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Oakland A's, San Diego Padres, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Third base, one and all
Value of card: One halfway decent big leaguer
Key 1991 stats: Zero fantasy baseball callups
It's a minor-league Matchup:

Round 1: Actual major league career in future (Winner: Paquette)
Round 2: "Prospect" who appears to be 40 years old (Winner: Redington)
Round 3: "Prospect" who appears to have been created in "MLB The Show" (Winner: Russo)
Round 4: Bushiest eyebrows (Winner: Redington)
Round 5: Insisted on having photo taken on a moonless night (Winner: Bolick)
Round 6: Emotionless eyes (Winner: Russo)
Round 7: Shiniest skin (Winner: Russo)
Round 8: In need of a better batting stance (Winner: Paquette)
Round 9: Short enough to fit in the upper left, under the logo (Winner: Bolick)

Final score: Russo 3, Paquette 2, Bolick 2, Redington 2

Synopsis: Redington jumped out to an early lead, but his advanced age hurt him down the stretch. Instead, Russo notches the victory, and even though he appears to have been designed by EA Sports, keep in mind that video games in 1992 looked like this. So, there.

Frank Bolick, Craig Paquette, Tom Redington, Paul Russo, 1992 Topps Top Prospects

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Tony Phillips

Team: USA! USA! USA!
Positions: Pitcher, patriot
Value of card: Freedom ain't free; this card is
Key 1991 stat: 50 stars on flag, zero stars on this card
Opposing team's scouting report on pitcher Tony Phillips: "This kid loves his country almost as much as he loves posing for worthless baseball cards. ... Wow! He's a master of disguise. ... Once threw a ball at a Commie. An 88-year-old Commie, but a Commie nonetheless. ... We'll need to cover up those childish rosy-red cheeks with a lot of eye black. ... Smart kid. Reps the card company on his sleeve during a photo shoot for the card company. ... Sleeps in the nude with only a star-spangled banner. ... Told a scout he's so American, he keeps a Washington Monument in his pants. ... Lathers himself in apple pie whenever he's alone. ... Will bean any opposing player who supports the metric system."

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Phil Nevin

Team: Team USA

Positions: Shortstop, third base, patriot

Value of card: 12 cents (U.S.)

Key 1991 stat: One country defended — with a baseball bat

President George H.W. Bush's scouting report of Phil Nevin, circa 1991: "Read my lips: no new Nevins. ... Saddam's got nothing on this new breed of American soldier. ... Much better neck feathers than Quayle. ... Will instill fear in the hearts of our enemies with his 116-pound frame. ... He'll be a big part of the Department of Defense, as soon as he graduates from seventh grade. ... We'll need to get him a new hat for his clandestine work. ... This guy's got ears like Perot, but I like him anyway."

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps

Name: Geronimo Pena
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Second base
Value of card: Carpal tunnel syndrome
Key 1991 stat: Nobody knew what he looked like
Misadventures in Photoshop: Two years had passed since Topps' much-criticized Photoshop series involving Twins pine-rider Al Newman. The staffers at Topps, of course, had learned nothing. Late one night, drunk on peppermint schnapps and cherry-flavored vodka, the photo editors decided to 'shop out the face of Cardinals utility infielder Geronimo Pena and replace it with random people. Above we see Topps janitor Felipe Jimenez. Most of the faces that made it to print were more well-known, including Bruce Springsteen, "Ghost" co-stars Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze, Abraham Lincoln and Santa Claus. Controversy erupted, and "Road House" star Swayze went so far as to sue Topps, saying, "If I were a baseball player, you'd better damn well believe I'd hit more than five home runs."

Geronimo Pena, 1992 Topps

Bobby Cox, 1992 Topps

Name: Bobby Cox

Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Manager, slouching
Value of card: One ejection
Key 1991 stat: 391,143 sneers
All good things: As the 2010 baseball season comes to a close, the game is losing one of its elder statesmen. Bobby Cox, who has managed the Braves since 1990 and has the fourth most wins in baseball history, is retiring. Of course, what Cox is really known for is getting ejected from games — he's done it more times than any other manager. He's been tossed more times than salad. He's been thrown out more times than garbage. He's gotten the hook more times than a fish. He's hit the showers more often than a plumber. He's gone home early more times than Dodger fans. So here's to you, Bobby Cox. We'll say it one last time: Yer outta here!

Bobby Cox, 1992 Topps

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Cliff Floyd

Team: Montreal Expos, Tuscaloosa Purple Whirlwinds

Position: Outfield

Value of card: One gold medal, filled with chocolate

Key 1991 stat: One Mercedes emblem necklace worn, 134 games

Expos' scouting report on top draft pick Cliff Floyd: "Big-league swing, bush-league hat. ... Wears Little League uniform with pizazz. ... Creepy stare may intimidate pitchers; will intimidate children. ... Impressive credentials: second-place medal, pig raising, Tuscaloosa County Fair 4-H competition. ... Spent time in prison yard, as photo shows. ... Hits doubles, hits on singles. ... Looks like an athlete, has name of a nerd. ... Fashion sense points to guaranteed future in beer league softball. ... Likes Molson, hockey and wrestling bears - should fit in well in Canada. "

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Name: Shawn Abner
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One copy, "A Meathead's Guide to Mullets" by Abner, Shawn
Key 1991 stat: Zero times not fired up
The ABCs of Shawn Abner:
A - Angel in the outfield
B - Blurry glove
C - Career .227 hitter
D - Dark, beady eyes
E - Eternally benched
F - Flowing hairdo
G - Grounded into double play — constantly
H - Hat askew
I - INTENSITY!!!
J - Jock strap too tight, thus causing added intensity
K - K's, as in strikeouts — and lots of 'em
L - Look of death
M - Mullet perm
N - Nobody remembers Shawn Abner
O - "Over here! Throw me the ball!"
P - Performance-enhancing drugs: Never took 'em, never played like he did
Q - Quick-moving left hand made him hard to photograph
R - Rheumatoid arthritis — the only explanation for Abner's batting average
S - Six underwhelming major league seasons
T - "Throw me the freakin' ball!"
U - Unnecessarily large forearms
V - Vein throbbing in forehead
W - "Why won't you throw me the FREAKIN' BALL?!"
X - Xenophobia (fear of strangers) could explain why he rarely left the batter's box
Y - "Yes, Mr. Abner, you've been sent back to the minors. Again."
Z - Zero fans

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Manny Ramirez
Team: Poughkeepsie Youth Service League All-Stars
Positions: Outfielder, infielder, pitcher
Value of card: One forged birth certificate
Key 1991 stat: One Little League World Series championship
Suspicion in Williamsport: The Little League World Series — an American classic that celebrates diversity, competition and the spirit of baseball. But in 1991, a dark cloud of suspicion hung over Williamsport, Pa., home of the summer tradition. The East Region champions from Poughkeepsie, N.Y., were led by a rather large 13-year-old named Manny. The 5-foot-11, 175-pound youngster threw an amazing 80-mph fastball and excelled at every defensive position. The parents and managers of opposing teams repeatedly expressed doubt that Manny was as young as he said, but Manny's wispy moustache, carefree attitude and — most importantly — birth certificate all gave the impression of an early adolescent. Manny was allowed to play and led the Youth Service League All-Stars to a rousing World Series championship, batting .904 with 57 home runs and 140 RBI. No team came within 30 runs of the champs. After the title-clinching game, instead of being carried off the field, he carried six of his teammates off it. But two months later, the shameful truth came out. After being drafted by the Cleveland Indians, media reports revealed that the "youngster" was not 13 years old. He was in fact 15, and had been on human growth hormone since 1984. Disgraced, Manny gave back his Little League World Series ring and never did steroids again.

Manny Ramirez, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Will Clark, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: William Nuschler Clark Jr.

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: 42 gallons of testosterone

Key 1991 stats: 4,289 pounds gained; 42 feet grown

A giant attitude: Baseball Card Bust isn't only fun and games. We here at the Bust pride ourselves on our hard-hitting investigative reporting. Until now, Will "The Thrill" Clark had never been linked to steroids. Well, we're doing the linking. In a card obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, it becomes clear "The Thrill" began using performance-enhancing drugs during the 1991 season. Through careful analysis, the Bust found that Clark gained 4,289 pounds and grew 42 feet. To compare, the fan on the bottom left holding the Giants pennant, Bruce Cobbledick, stands 5 feet 9. The woman on the right, Sue Stagler, stands 5 feet 10. Clark, although listed as 6 feet 1 on the back of the card, actually stands 48 feet 1. His biceps are 11 feet in diameter, about the size of a small sequoia redwood. As is common with steroid users, Clark's head enlarged dramatically. In 1992, its size was equivalent to that of one of Saturn's moons. Though scientific evidence shows steroid use shrinks a man's testicles, Clark's bulge is still the size of eight bags of industrial-grade cement heaped on top of one another. Impressive. After all the above evidence is compiled, one thing becomes abundantly clear: Giants use steroids.

Will Clark, 1992 Topps Kids