Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Name: Trevor Mallory
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Draft pick, pitcher
Value of card: Humor value: high; monetary value: nonexistent
Key 1991 stat: Only season at any pro level with more wins than losses (2-1)
Welcome to Fan Appreciation Week: We here at the Bust like to joke around that only six people read our site, but the truth is that our fan base is easily double that number. (Hi, Mom!) And those loyal fans of ours, from time to time, send us some pretty amazing cards to mock. We work them in from time to time, but this week we've decided to give them a special place of honor, running seven of them back to back. This one's for the fans!
Blue Jays scouting report, circa 1991, on second-round draft pick Trevor Mallory: "If this kid's fastball ever catches up to his fade, look out! ... Needs to work on slider, curveball, ability to button his clothes. ... In his high school yearbook, he was voted most likely to join Bell Biv Devoe, and those guys rule, so that's gotta be worth something. ... Says his favorite food is those little vienna sausages that come in a can. Worrisome. ... Once struck out 10 batters and struck out with 10 girls all in the same day. ... Says he has no problem with removing his earring since it's made of plastic anyway. ... We project that he, much like his shirt, will be a front-line starter for many years to come."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trevor Mallory, 1992 Topps Stadium Club (Fan Appreciation Week No. 1)

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Shawn Boskie, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Shawn Boskie
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A dog craps on the sidewalk; you step in it in Vans; you have to get the crap on the bottom out with a toothpick; this card is worth three toothpick scrapes of that dog crap.
Key 1991 stat: Three concurrent cases of gingivitis
Time for a happy-go-lucky pop quiz:

Why is Shawn Boskie smiling so wide?

(A) He wanted to show off all six of his teeth.
(B) He heard a joke about his mother and all the holes in his jersey.
(C) He's trying to copy the shape of his massive V-neck.
(D) He was just presented with his only honor of 1991: The Arm Hair of the Year Award.
(E) None of the above.

Shawn Boskie, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Juan Guzman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Juan Guzman
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A chipped tooth
Key 1991 stat: One white T-shirt washed 75,000 times
What the heck? 

Why is Juan Guzman making that face?

A) He just got some Jheri curl juice in his mouth
B) Joe Carter's tickling him, that sneaky devil.
C) He ate some of Dave Winfield's chili about an hour ago, and the trainer doesn't have any Pepto.
D) He's so proud of stupid Canada's superior health care system that he's showing off his latest dentistry work.
E) Duh, it's a photo. He's saying "Cheese!"

Juan Guzman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Jim Leyritz, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jim Leyritz
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 1 ounce of the scent from a catcher's chest protector, bottled
Key 1991 stat: 26 innings spent standing when he should have been in the crouch
Time for questionable pop quiz:

What the hell is Jim Leyritz doing?

(A) Pretending to be Helen Keller and answering his mitt.
(B) Giving Don Mattingly "the look" after the first baseman turned him down for a date.
(C) Making sure everyone in the stadium takes a few moments to enjoy his bulge.
(D) Standing there, deep in thought, reflecting on how bad his bangs curl looks.
(E) All of the above.

Jim Leyritz, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Lonnie Smith, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Lonnie Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfielder, maimer of Brian Harper
Value of card: Free massage — from that creepy guy at your office
Key 1991 stat: One count of assault during the World Series
It's a very painful Matchup, featuring Lonnie Smith and Twins catcher Brian Harper:

Round 1: Chaw swallowed on this play (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Teeth swallowed on this play (Winner: Harper)
Round 3: Judo neck chop (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Body shape most like a catcher's (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Pain (Winner: Harper. Or does that make him the loser?)
Round 6: "Gold" chain bought at gas station (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Ability to hold on to the ball despite getting creamed (Winner: Harper — Smith was out)

Final score: Smith 4, Harper 3

Synopsis: Lonnie Smith might not have scored the run or won the Series, but he takes home a belated victory, turning Brian Harper into Buster Posey in this Matchup.

Lonnie Smith, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: Three shades of orange
Key 1991 stat: One gap between front teeth
What does Jeff Bagwell stand for?

Just flip down the sunglasses already if it's so bright you have to squint.
Every-other-day shaver in '91.
Flip shades appear to weigh 30 pounds.
Front teeth could use some work, there, buddy.

Breathing through mouth ...
Always a sign of class.
Grew a Texas-size mullet.
Went on to develop one of the nastiest goatees known to man.
Eyes eventually did open, we believe.
Leather and lumber, this guy had 'em both.
Led the league in RBI and eye black in 1994.

Card submitted by Miranda Everitt

Jeff Bagwell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One point
Key 1991 stat: Constantly frightened
Kirt Manwaring here with a pop quiz:

"OH GOD, WHAT'S THAT?!"

(A) Where? What? Where?
(B) It's first base, Kirt. I know you don't get there very often, but relax.
(C) Chill out, Kirt. It's just Kevin Mitchell's bulge.
(D) Whoa there, big guy. It's only Darren Lewis' fade.
(E) None of the above.

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Scott Bradley, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Scott Bradley

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Catcher

Value of card: A shot of rum with a cigarette butt in it

Key 1991 stat: .14 average BAC

Seattle-area TV commercial for Captain Morgan rum, circa 1991: "Hey there, Mariners fans, I'm your platooning catcher, Scott Bradley. Ever wonder how I keep my cool when a runner is bearing down on me at home plate? (Cut to shot of Bradley tagging out Brady Anderson at the plate, then pan out to reveal a posing Bradley.) It's because I've got a little Captain in me. Captain Morgan rum gives me the confidence I need to take the field 83 times a year. And when my batting average starts slumping below the Mendoza line, I can count on Captain Morgan to raise my blood-alcohol content above it. (Cut to shot of Bradley taking a shot of rum through his catcher's mask.) This smooth, spiced rum soothes my aching knees and takes the edge off when rumors start flying about a demotion to Triple-A. I'm Scott Bradley, and I've got a little Captain in me. (Cut to Bradley posing again.) Do you?"

Scott Bradley, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Mike LaValliere, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Mike LaValliere aka Spanky the Blind Catcher

Team: Pittsburgh Pirates

Position: Blind catcher

Value of card: "I would give anything to see the world, if only for a moment, one more time."

Key 1991 stat: Zero seconds of sight

A tale of triumph: This is the story of Mike LaValliere, better known around the land as Spanky the Blind Catcher. Spanky was born to a French father and Polish mother in a log cabin in the North Carolina wilderness. As a child, his resemblance to a "Little Rascals" character earned him the nickname "Spanky." A few months later, he went blind, earning him the nickname "Blindy." Blindy soon developed a love for baseball, and his future as a catcher was cemented at age 9, when he tried to eat a catcher's mitt, thinking it was a pork chop. He soon started playing catch with his father, though this mainly involved his father throwing the ball at him, the ball hitting him in the chest or face, and Spanky rooting around on the ground like a legless pig searching for the ball. But these joyful games of catch toughened up Spanky, and because of that and his tireless training and eating habits, he earned a spot on his high school baseball team. He played second base. The actual base, not the position. But Spanky practiced and practiced and soon started playing catcher, developing a knack for hearing the rotation of the pitch and positioning his glove accordingly. He was drafted and worked his way to the major leagues. Off the field, he used a cane. But on the field, his play was uncanny.

Mike LaValliere, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kevin Mitchell

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Sorry, it's too dark to read its value

Key 1991 stat: One bare-handed catch in left field

10 things you may not know about Kevin Mitchell, circa 1992

10) He was the pitchman for Vidal Sassoon's Paint-On Facial Hair.

9) He had the largest hand in the Western Hemisphere.

8) He always sat this way, but usually while holding a can of Colt 45.

7) He boiled down that necklace to replace his gold teeth with a platinum grill.

6) Underneath the windbreaker: mummy.

5) During this photo shoot, he was watching Will Clark shower.

4) No one dared mock him about his mock turtleneck.

3) He perspired Cool Water cologne.

2) The hat was superimposed; the darkness surrounding him is actually his afro.

1) Starred in B-movie: "The Blackest Man in Baseball."

Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Ricky Bones, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ricky Bones

Team: San Diego Padres

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two clavicles

Key 1991 stat: One butt that looks like a face

What other jobs has Ricky Bones held?

(A) Porn star (Ricky Bones: Yes he does.)

(B) Mullet groomer

(C) Intergalactic doctor

(D) Drummer, Stones cover band, Rolling Bones

(E) Biology class skeleton

(F) All of the above

Ricky Bones, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Archie Corbin, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Archie Corbin (No, we didn't PhotoShop that name.)

Team: Kansas City Royals

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Cost of admission

Key 1991 stat: Seven blaxploitation movies

Archie gets the "Shaft": "Archie! Who's the black pitcher dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? (Archie!) You're damn right. Who is the man that would throw a pitch at his brother man? (Archie!) Can ya dig it? Who's the cat that won't pop out when there's still only one man out? (Archie!) Right on. You see this cat Archie is a bad mother ... (Shut yo mouth.) But I'm talkin' 'bout Archie. (Then we can dig it!) He's a complicated at-bat and no one understands him but his catcher. (Archie Corbin!)"

Archie Corbin, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Tim Wallach, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Tim Wallach

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Third base

Value of card: One deep thought

Key 1991 stat: Six space-age gadgets

Inspector Gadget: Tim Wallach loves technology. Let's count all the then-modern marvels that Mr. Wallach has on display in this 1992 card. There's the baseball cell phone he's talking on, a lightweight miracle from a time when phones were so heavy, players had assistants hold them while they carried on conversations. His uniform is made out of a space-age material resistant to both wrinkles and dirt, so no matter how many grounders Wallach dives for, he'll always come up cleaner than Craig Counsell's steroid test results. His nifty armband doubles as a Nintendo controller. His hat is actually a Flowbee. He's wearing a mask that makes him look like movie stars from the future — in this case, Luke Wilson.

What about those bats in the background? Those aren't actually there — they're holograms produced by a chip Wallach had implanted in his brain.

Tim Wallach, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Charlie O'Brien, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Charlie O'Brien
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One run
Key 1991 stat: 2 passed balls
Nice catch, butterfingers: Poor Charlie O'Brien. It's bad enough that he hit .185 while platooning behind the plate in 1991, but imagine his embarassment when his kids brought home a pack of Topps Stadium Club cards the next year. A lot of other players had awesome photos on their cards that obviously had a lot of thought go into them. "Ooh, look at Ruben Sierra," the young'uns would say. "He's got such an awesome medallion! Oh, wow, Tim Wallach looks like he's from the future. George Bell's hair is so shiny! And Bill Wegman, um ... Dad, why did they put his name placard there?" Picture Charlie O'Brien sitting with his kids, laughing and poking fun at his major league colleagues — until they find his card. "Dad," the kids say, "why does your photo show you dropping a throw home?" Charlie just sits there, silent, his face turning eight shades of red. Since the Bust in no way endorses child abuse, we'll leave out what happened next, but suffice to say that the children knew to never bring baseball cards home again.

Charlie O'Brien, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

George Bell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jorge "George" Bell

Team: Chicago White Sox

Position: Outfield

Value of card: $19.95! Wait! If you act now, two bottles for $12.95!

Key 1991 stat: 144 ounces of jheri curl juice

Just let your sooooooul glow, baby: Jorge "George" Bell was good-looking and he knew it. He had women in every American League town and at every port in his native Dominican Republic. But when he lost his swagger on the diamond after the 1990 season, he lost his swagger with the ladies, as well. Enter: Soul Glo. Bell first heard of the classic hair product in 1988's Eddie Murphy vehicle, "Coming to America." At first, he thought it was a fictitious product. Then he saw a bottle of Soul Glo on a drug-store shelf. It spoke to him, "Comprame, Jorge, comprame." ("Buy me, Jorge, buy me.") Bell did, and his life changed. His afro had a glistening sheen, dripping with sensuality. Women complimented him and street children followed him with paper cups, catching the dribbling Soul Glo juice so they could sell it to back-alley doctors who administered it as a fertility drug. Thanks to Soul Glo, Bell was dripping with sensuality.

George Bell, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Bill Wegman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Bill Wegman

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Positions: Pitcher, pitchman

Value of card: The cost of a postage stamp

Key 1991 stat: 3 inches "grown"

Mr. Wegman makes his pitch: After winning 15 games with a 2.84 ERA in 1991, Bill Wegman signed on to promote a fledgling pharmaceutical company he knew little about. When he first heard ExtenZe could enhance that certain part of a male body, he was skeptical, but thought, "This could be fun." After six months of swallowing little blue pills, Wegman had become the cock of the walk.

Script from Wegman's TV commerical: "Male enhancement. Two years ago, scientists had no idea the power contained in this little blue pill. Before I started taking ExtenZe, I could barely bring myself to walk in the clubhouse shower. Women flocked to my more manly teammates, like Rob Deer, Robin Yount and Ron Robinson, but the word was out that my cup wasn't exactly running over. Now, I have to keep this black 'Topps Stadium Club' sign with my name on it in front of my groin at all times to avoid tarnishing a child's innocence. ExtenZe will work for you, too, or we'll send you your money back. If it didn't work, could we afford to do this? Call now. You've got nothing to lose, but a lot to gain."

Bill Wegman, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Ruben Sierra, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, Designated Hitter
Value of card: 1/500th of that hat
Key 1991 stat: 591 pieces of gold jewelry purchased
El Caballo's secret: Look at Ruben Sierra. The man didn't come to own half of San Juan, Puerto Rico -- not to mention that spotless white, brimmed hat or that muscle-packed, striped polo shirt -- without a little help, my friends. You see, Sierra lived a hard childhood in Rio Piedras. On his 14th birthday, young Ruben was out searching for work when a sparkling object on the side of a dusty farm road caught his eye. It was a golden medallion, seemingly ancient yet intricately designed. Unbeknown to him, it was Montezuma's legendary Medallion of Power. He picked up the treasure, and felt a sudden strength surge through him. Rather than sell the trinket to buy medicine for his ailing mother, Ruben wore it to school the next day and proceeded to stun his baseball coach by launching 226 home runs in batting practice. Word quickly spread, drawing scouts from the U.S. and launching his career as El Caballo, a hitter to be feared and a lover to be coveted. Ruben still dons the medallion, pictured, and now rents out slum housing, also pictured, to awe-struck tenants.

Ruben Sierra, 1992 Topps Stadium Club