Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Exposed wiring
Key 1992 stat: Watched "RoboCop" 281 times
10 things Dan Marino could have won had he worn a metallic exoskeleton with large, black nipples:
10) The Cold War
9) A bigger part in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
8) A better costume in "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
7) The hearts of millions of ladies
6) The science fair
5) The Mr. American Nipples Pageant, at least four times
4) His regular Tuesday-night poker game
3) The Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
2) BattleBots
1) The Super Bowl

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 168)

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Names: Ken Griffey Jr., Bugs Bunny
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Outfield, down a hole
Value of card: 12 rabbit pellets
Key 1991 stat: Zero seats filled in stadium despite image being Photoshopped
It's time for a Looney Tunes edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Worldwide fame (Winner: Bugs)
Round 2: Mustache "whiskers" (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Lack of embarrassing buck teeth (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Righteous blue glove (Winner: Griffey)
Round 5: Shocking sexual innuendo (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cool custom hat (Winner: Bugs)
Round 7: Anatomical correctness (Winner: Griffey)

Score: Griffey 3, Bugs 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The laugh-a-minute cartoon rabbit put up an impressive fight, but, in the end, the turtleneck beat the hare.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck Looney Tunes Comic Ball

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 VHS copies of "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
Key 1991 stat: Four Isotoner gloves worn (two on right hand, one on left hand and one on, ahem)
Here's what Dan Marino stands for:

Dolphin lover — not in that way, sicko
Aqua Velva saturated and proud of it
Never won a title, except for "World's Sexiest Quarterback"

Miami man with one vice: looking good
Armed with a football, ravishing looks and an 18-pound jacket
Roles in films such as "Ace Ventura," "Holy Man" and "Little Nicky" are, um, legendary
Inside a stone oval, he invites your soft caress
Never met a collar he wouldn't pop
Orange skin a shade lighter than pigskin

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Football Heroes (Football Friday No. 163)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Mike Benjamin, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike "Lil' Hands" Benjamin
Team: New York Giants, circa 1892
Position: Second basetender
Value of card: 25-cent Civil War-era fractional currency
Key 1892 stat: 27 "tallies" at home base
The Legend of "Lil' Hands": Mike Benjamin was born in a pepper patch in Monks Hammock, La., to a mother who spit with a Cajun accent and a sailor who died of scurvy two weeks after the birth. Mike grew up chasing metal rings with sticks and catching rodents with only his cunning and the raccoon meat he'd secretly regurgitate after his small supper meals. He also grew up alone. The other children who lived in Louisiana houses of sin and back-country caves shunned him because his hands stopped growing at age 4. Benjamin tried to have fun, playing make-believe games with tree stumps and pretending the regurgitated balls of raccoon meat were his friends. Then, he found a new game, "base (pause) ball," played with a round ball, a round bat and a lot of chewing tobacco. He flourished, despite his tiny hands, often playing rover and hitting many a pluck. But, despite his years of success, a keen eye could still catch Benjamin glancing down at his tiny glove with a single tear in his eye and loneliness close at hand.

Mike Benjamin, 1992 Upper Deck

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a 3-day-old cheese zombie from a high school garbage bin
Key 1991 stat: B-minus in Algebra I
St. Louis Cardinals' scouting report on "top prospect" Dmitri Young: "This kid's got more tape than a 3M salesman. ... We're expecting him to perform in high school as well as he has in junior high. ... It would be great if we knew more about him, but we can't identify what team he plays on. ... Cummerbund points to pronounced patriotism. ... By the look of this photo, he's 47 feet tall. That's a big plus. ... We're concerned with how he'll adapt to a big-league city after playing in Amish country. ... If that's his batting stance we have a lot of work to do."

Dmitri Young, 1992 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 2)

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Tim Crews
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A gerbil's shadow
Key 1991 stat: 14-pound cup
10 things going on when this photo was taken:
10) Crews' leg was breaking.
9) Mustache contest.
8) A mildly handsome middle relief pitcher was starring in a Converse commercial.
7) Stirrups were having trouble staying connected all the way up a leg to a jockstrap.
6) Crews was pitching (a tent).
5) A guy in an L.A. Dodgers hat was throwing up gang signs.
4) By the look of the runner behind Crews, the Dodgers were playing the Dodgers. Both teams lost.
3) A professional baseball player — no surprise here — was swallowing his chewing tobacco spit.
2) Crews' bulge was throwing off his equilibrium, thus knocking him off the mound.
1) Seizure.

Tim Crews, 1992 Upper Deck

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Names: Valery Bure and Pavel Bure
Teams: Montreal Canadiens and Vancouver Canucks, respectively
Positions: Right winger and right winger, respectively (They *spit* hate American Democrat scum.)
Value of card: 2 Russian rubles (1 ruble = .0333 U.S. dollar)
Key 1991 stat: $13 an hour for a baby sitter
Welcome to Another Alternative Sports Week: The NHL playoffs are well under way, the PGA season is in full swing, and NASCAR drivers are turning left every weekend. It's that time of the year when we here at The Bust bring you a week's worth of embarrassing cards from outside the three major U.S. sports. It's not that we can't find enough sloppy work in the baseball, football and basketball arenas, it's that we stumble across some of the worst cards ever made in sports few in the collecting world care about: hockey, golf, gymnastics, reverse toenail clipping and so on. So, without further ado, behold the bottom of the barrel of the bottom of the barrel.
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Wind-swept 1980s wave haircut (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Refusal to wear pants (Winner: Pavel)
Round 3: Untrustworthy towhead tendencies (Winner: Valery)
Round 4: Sexy Soviet-toned calves (Winner: Pavel)
Round 5: Allegiance to Mother Russia (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Sexy woman's name that is also the title of a legendary 1980s song (Winner: Valery)
Round 7: Age 14 or younger (Winner: Valery)
Round 8: Phallic positioning of hockey stick (Winner: Pavel)
Round 9: Talent (Winner: Pavel)

Score: Pavel 4, Valery 3, Ties 2

Synopsis: Big brother wins again, this time thanks to his talent and sculpted calves. But, really, when two kids escape the tyranny of the U.S.S.R. and both get the coolest rollerblades on the block for Christmas, no one loses. (Except you, Commie scum.)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Valery and Pavel Bure, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two boxes of broken crayons
Key 1991 stat: 12 hypothermia deaths at Candlestick Park
Fun facts about Willie McGee and the San Francisco Giants' former home Candlestick Park:

• Candlestick Park was once known as Monster Park. Willie McGee looked like a monster in this illustration.
• Candlestick Park is known for its strong winds. Willie McGee often broke strong wind.
• Candlestick Park was the site of The Beatles' last commercial concert. Willie McGee was the site of a beetle infestation.
• Candlestick Park was hosting a World Series game when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck. Willie McGee was hosting a meeting between he and the other Earth-bound aliens when they used their advanced technology to cause the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake.
• Candlestick Park was an eyesore despised by most Giants fans. Willie McGee ... well, you get it.

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Remlinger
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six pieces of ABC gum (What's ABC gum? Ask a second-grader.)
Key 1991 stat: 12 attempts to quit chewing tobacco
Time for a delicious pop quiz:

What's that in Mike Remlinger's mouth?

(A) Bubblegum, in place of a chewing tobacco addiction.
(B) The first egg of 17 to be pulled from his mouth as part of a magic trick.
(C) The cue ball, in an act of defiance after losing a game of pool to teammate Kevin Mitchell.
(D) It's skin and it's part of his throat; Remlinger is a third German, a third Portugeuse and a third lizard.
(E) None of the above.

Mike Remlinger, 1992 Upper Deck

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One carat carrot
Key 1991 stat: 10 inches of mullet
Big winner: Upper Deck saw fit to name Jose Canseco "Best Athlete" in its 1992 Diamond Skills subset. Here are some other awards Canseco has claimed in his life:

• Customer of the month, May 1991, Big Jim's Syringe Mart
• Hair of the year, 1993, Mullet Fancy magazine
• May Have Already Won $10,000,000, Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
• New York Times Best Selling Author, 2005
• Best Jose, 1985

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Jeremy Hernandez, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jeremy Hernandez
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not nearly enough to buy property in San Diego
Key 1991 stat: 270 curls in mullet
Jeremy Hernandez's train of thought from 3:13 to 3:15 p.m., Feb. 22, 1992: "All right, Upper Deck photo shoot. Let's do this. ... This photographer seems like kind of an a-hole. ... Hey, it's not a mullet! I just haven't had time to get to the barber this year. ... Who is this guy, making fun of my mustache? Sir, I'll have you know I spent all week growing this thing. ... Yeah, actually, this is the most expensive chain I could afford. ... You know what, buddy? If I had grown up with your mother, I wouldn't think much of my chest hair, either. ... That's it. Let's see how funny you think I am after I sneak the Old Number F-U outside the glove for this next shot. Jerk."

Jeremy Hernandez, 1992 Upper Deck

Greg Vaughn, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Vaughn
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: Let me take a hard look
Key 1991 stat: Eyes on some sort of prize
What's Greg Vaughn staring down?

A) The pitcher
B) Opponents of mesh jerseys
C) The hot dog guy
D) His biggest enemy: Alphabetization
E) All of the above

Greg Vaughn, 1992 Upper Deck

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: The element of surprise
Key 1991 stat: Eye black reapplied every inning
Choose your own adventure: You are Matt Williams, third baseman for the San Francisco Giants. You've just drilled a ball deep to the gap and are rounding second, headed for a triple. As you slide in, you see something that startles the absolute cheese out of you. What is it?

• If it's a winning record, click here.
• If it's a future in which you wear a purple uniform, click here.
• If it's Willie McGee's face, click here.

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Chris Hoiles, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Chris Hoiles
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Not enough for a load of laundry
Key 1991 stat: Rocked out to Journey 701 times
Just out of curiosity: What exactly is going on here?

A) Kevin Maas and Chris Hoiles are just knocking that pesky chalk off the right-handed batter's box.
B) Just a catcher coppin' a feel.
C) The Orioles losing to the Yankees. Again.
D) Looks like Pig-Pen made the bigs.
E) Some of the above.

Chris Hoiles, 1992 Upper Deck

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Howard "HoJo" Johnson
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Six rotting apple cores (big ones)
Key 1991 stats: 15 hoes, 1 HoJo
10 "Mets Magic" tricks performed by The Amazing HoJo:
10) He pulled a dead Mr. Met out of a hat.
9) He turned string into an obnoxious gold chain.
8) He sawed Dwight Gooden's cocaine line in half.
7) He made incredible puns out of New York City and a large piece of fruit.
6) He levitated. Well, only in the eyes of Darryl Strawberry, who was really, really high.
5) He vanished down the stretch.
4) He bent a spoon with his mind (and a pair of pliers).
3) He changed himself into comical illustration and started growing bulges out of his neck.
2) He grew a beard. (C'mon, it's a pretty good-looking beard.)
1) He made Mets wins disappear.

Howard Johnson, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Kevin Bass
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2.5 pounds of rotting striped bass
Key 1991 stat: 14 instances of a form of cannibalism: Bass eating bass
Kevin Bass' train of thought from 3:17 to 3:18 p.m. July 16, 1991: "OK, OK, OK. How can I get her attention? She is so hot, right there in the third row. I see you baby, looking all fine. She's looking this way but I need to make her notice me. Then, I can pass her my number. Wait, that's it. I'll try to steal third base even though I'm slow and I'll perform the spread-eagle bulge slide. That's sure to get her attention. OK, on three. One, two, go! Oh, man. I'm going to be out by a mile. Oh, well. Got to nail this slide, and here we go. Legs spread. Arm back. Bulge up. Achoo! Achoo! Oh, man, I have dirt in my nose. Achoo! I must look ridiculous with my 3-pound batting glove up to my face. Achoo! Oh, man, the snot from my sneeze is making my eye black run. Achoo! Achoo! He tagged me. My batting glove, wristband and face are covered in snot. And, that hot babe is leaving. Gross; she just gagged when she looked over here. Spread-eagle bulge slide, why hath thou forsaken me?"

Kevin Bass, 1992 Upper Deck

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Bull excrement
Key 1992-93 stat: Was very excited to score two more points
Random thoughts from fans in the background:

• Guy in red sweater, right third of card, about five rows from bottom: "Great, there he goes again. He's just too fast! I mean, you take your eyes off him for just a second and he's gone. Stupid popcorn guy — slow down already!"
• Woman in yellow top, about four rows above guy in red sweater: "Yes! Here comes the popcorn guy!"
• Guy in red coat, very left of card, about knee-level with Jordan: "Wait, wait. Who wears a red blazer to a basketball game? Who am I, Craig Sager?"
• Guy in bottom left of card. You'll know him when you see him: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)