Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Name: Phil Clark
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Those creases would devalue the card if it weren't already worthless
Key 1992 stat: Three burnt-out marquee lightbulbs
Tigers' scouting report on "coming attraction" Phil Clark: "This guy's like a movie star; he's good at 'acting' like he can play. ... We like the 'stache, but want to see it connect to a set of lamb chops. ... His name is 'Phil'; well, he sure can 'Phil' a cup, if you know what we mean. ... Not sure about taking batting practice in a skin-tight jacket, but we do foresee hipster scumbags fighting over it 19 years from now. ... By the looks of things, it's not the first time the spotlight has been on his bulge. ... Don't worry, there's no chance he'll steal a nickname and become Phil 'The Thrill' Clark. ... Coming attraction? Doesn't appear to be in the stars."

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Arias
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Infield
Value of card: A blue piece of construction paper
Key 1992 stat: Zero Marlins franchises for another year
Another stunning accomplishment: We have to hand it to Topps. The Marlins major league franchise hadn't played a game before the 1993 season, but somehow the card company figured out an ingenious way to capture the action of the game and the players in their fledgling team's uniforms. Wow, what an accomplishment. Can you imagine how many meetings of the best and brightest at Topps it took to come up with such a brilliant idea? Just look at that background: stunning. And how smart is it to have the player sit there with a bat? The genius boggles the mind. And, as if they hadn't already showcased their smarts enough, the Topps brass had Arias look at the camera and smile. Wow. Again, we're awestruck by greatness, and, today, we're standing here slack-jawed against a background of blue.

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Weathers
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 fish bones, regurgitated
Key 1992 stat: 365 weather forecasts watched
10 "Weathers" descriptions during this photo shoot:
10) "Cloudy with a chance of ineptitude"
9) "Overcast ... as a decent pitcher"
8) "Mock turtleneck weather"
7) "Looks like rain; smells like fish"
6) "Rain with glimpses of blinding teal"
5) "Whiteout condition"
4) "It's raining cats, dogs and eyebrows out there"
3) "Showers — intermittent as best"
2) "Driving bangs across the forehead"
1) "Ugly out there"

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Name: Jamie McAndrew
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Tree sap on your windshield
Key 1992 stats: Drafted four years earlier; still hadn't played a big league game
It's time for The Caption, which probably ran in a Miami newspaper sometime in the early '90s: "Florida Marlins minor leaguer Jamie McAndrew does a bad job of hiding behind a tree in Buena Vista Park on Thursday after stealing a uniform from the big league club and fleeing the scene. McAndrew, who is 25 despite looking 45, was caught and arrested shortly after this photo was taken. The uniform was returned to the Marlins, who, like their fans, disavowed any knowledge of McAndrew's existence."

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs (remember that?)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A whole lot less than the NFL salary cap
Key 1993 stat: Still wore red
Wait a minute: Here we were, ready to do some lame jokes about superstars forgettably finishing their careers with some other team (we're looking at you Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice). Then we noticed the little guy in the shorts in the background. Whoa, dude, we know you're excited that Joe Montana's a Chief, but good lord! Don't you have a clipboard or something you can put over that thing?

Joe Montana, 1993 Topps (Football Friday No. 76)

Jim Rosenbohm, 1993 Topps

Name: Jim Rosenbohm

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Five more minutes of recess on the playground

Key 1992 stat: Six-inning complete game in Little League farm division

Giants' scouting report on No. 2 draft pick Jim Rosenbohm: "Has a youthful exuberance, which makes sense for an 11-year-old. ... Averages three walks a day: one to the bus stop, one to the fifth-grade classroom, one to the candy store. ... Needs time to develop his jersey buttoning, possibly with help from his mommy. ... Upper lip capable of decent mustache in six to eight years. ... Throws 67 mph from 45-foot mound. Not sure how that will translate from Little League to the big leagues. ... Has grasp on addition and subtraction, but multiplication tables confuse him. ... Detriment: still collects baseball cards."

Jim Rosenbohm, 1993 Topps

Bobby Jones, 1993 Topps Coming Attractions

Name: Bobby Jones
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 99-cent rental at Blockbuster Video
Key 1992 stat: More strikeouts with girls than on the mound
Mets 1992 scouting report on Bobby Jones: "It's a good thing he can pitch, because he sucks at golf. ... In high school, reportedly ate his weight in popcorn shrimp at Red Lobster. ... Calls his fastball 'The Hairy Mother,' then laughs maniacally. May need some counseling. ... Among his hobbies: avid stamp collector, plays fantasy sports, eats deep-fried candy bars at the county fair. ... Claims to have invented the 10-seam fastball. ... Once got kicked out of a game for calling the home plate umpire 'mommy.' ... Smells vaguely of root beer. ... Plus fastball, plus changeup, plus-plus monobrow."

Bobby Jones, 1993 Topps Coming Attractions

Dave Landaker, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Landaker

Team: Houston Astros

Position: Shortstop

Value of card: Not worth the children's construction paper it's printed on

Key 1992 stat: One futuristic foray to a place nowhere near the big leagues

Astros' scouting report on No. 2 draft pick Dave Landaker: "Throws right. Bats right. Craps right. ... Has an incandescent glow about him. ... Wears a mock turtleneck well. Could be a future there. ... Seems right at home on a "Baseball Stars" field. ... Mustache could use some work. ... Though promising, could have used that extra year of middle school. ... Stupid name. Stupid face. ... Swings both ways. Wink, wink. ... Wears Mizuno shoes; may be Japanese. ... Has a forehead like a Jumbotron; something to pursue if shortstop doesn't work out."

Dave Landaker, 1993 Topps

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Cole
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off at LensCrafters
Key 1992 stat: One disability
An enterprising generation: Tragedy befell Alex Cole after the 1992 season when he was blinded during a freak sausage-grinding accident. It appeared the young outfielder's career was over — until technophile Tim Wallach stepped in. Wallach, who had developed a time-traveling device that doubled as a rad sports car, took Cole into the future, where the speedster was fitted with a Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement, or VISOR, much like the one on that "Star Trek" show. The device allowed Cole to see many different visual spectra and even provided him the advantage of X-ray vision. Commissioner Bud Selig originally wanted to ban Cole's device, but, upon seeing it, changed his ruling on the grounds that it was so bitchin'.

Alex Cole, 1993 Topps

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota (Tiny) Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A small amount

Key 1992 stat: 42 inches tall

Walk small, but carry a normal-size stick: The Bust knows what you're thinking: There goes that silly Kirby Puckett again, playing around with a gigantic bat, trying to get a laugh. Well, you'd be mistaken, dear reader. In the summer of 1992, manager Tom Kelly told Kirby that his .329 average, though good, wasn't enough to support the Twins in their push for the playoffs. Kelly advised the 5-foot-8 outfielder to take more walks. But Kirby liked to swing at anything near the strike zone, and he told Kelly in no uncertain terms that he would continue to do so. Trainer Sammy Conte witnessed the altercation, and intervened. He told Kirby about a new performance-enhancing drug, Diminitol, that was undetectable and could help Kirby get on base more. Kirby started using the drug, and by the dog days of summer in 1992, he had shrunk to the size of a wombat. Kirby indeed drew more walks, but he had trouble getting the bat off his shoulder.

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps