Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Oscar Azocar
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two awkward hugs
Key 1992 stat: 16 times caught embracing his bat in the dugout
Oscar Azocar loved his bat despite despite a .226 career batting average; some other Azocar contradictions:

• He loved his barber despite his mini-fro cut.
• He hated "Magnum P.I." despite his mustache.
• He loved being on baseball cards despite the one above.
• He hated "Sesame Street" despite his first name.
• He loved women despite this card's implications.
• He hated Julio Franco despite ripping off his pose.

Oscar Azocar, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Levon Largusa
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six mismatched Legos
Key 1992 stat: 12 minutes spent in timeout
Disregard seeing this: Dear readers, ignore this card. Pretend you never saw it. Look away as soon as possible. You see, Levon Largusa wasn't a big-leaguer. He was a kid who sneaked onto the field in a mesh jersey and his dad's old cap during the Blue Jays' photo day. The Topps photographer got confused and took this photo, and somehow the card ended up in the set. But we're not worried about Topps being upset about the mistake getting revived; we're worried about little Levon's mother hollering at us again about running a photo of her boy. We're sorry, Mrs. Largusa. It won't happen again.

Card contributed by Douglas Corti

Levon Largusa, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Wrist tape that's been cut off
Key 1993 stat: Lived up to his nickname of "Ivan the Terrible"
Here's a Caption that maybe ran in the Boston Globe circa May 1993: "After unnecessarily resting one arm on a towel-covered tray and placing a bat suggestively between his legs as he sits on a step, Red Sox outfielder Ivan Calderon stares ardently at the camera while rubbing his upper thigh and attempting to make his head more strongly resemble a mushroom, all while his batting gloves dangle nonchalantly from his rear pocket, Tuesday in Boston."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in his diaper
Key 1993 stat: 24th season, but not his last
Quotes from Charlie Hough about his role on the Florida Marlins:

• "A lot of guys my age are in Florida. They're just retired."
• "This teal uniform really balances well with my liver spots."
• "My great-grandkids are looking forward to going to Disney World the next time they visit."
• "Anyone got any extra Vaseline? My curveball's biting about as hard as I do with my teeth out."
• "Wait, you're telling me this a Major League team? I though it was semi-pro, at best. I mean, look at this outfit!"

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Brian Hunter, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Brian Hunter
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: The creeps
Key 1992 stat: One 4-inch stick
Brian Hunter's train of thought from 10:42 to 10:44 a.m. Feb. 7, 1992: "Man, I am so ready for this photo shoot. Let's see, tight black T-shirt: check. Tousled mustache: check. Suggestive stare: check. Bat that emphasizes my 'Big Stick': check. Oh yeah. All right, Mr. Photographer, make sure you zoom in on my wide-set eyes and my bat. Oops, almost had the writing on the bat turned the wrong way. Hold on, let me get it centered in the light ... yeah, there we go. I hope the ladies notice the 'Big Stick' part. Ladies buy baseball cards, right? I'm pretty sure. I know that, between my bedroom eyes, suggestive bat and perfectly round face, they'll be beating down my door once this photo hits the shelves."

Brian Hunter, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Second base

Value of card: Lots of body-image issues
Key career stats: Zero major league at-bats; zero AAA at-bats
He ain't heavy, and he ain't Pedro's brother: Sometimes, we here at the Bust have to do a little research. Sometimes. We usually try to avoid work. But for Ramon Martinez, we had to do a lot of research. Seriously, who is this guy? He's not the gawky Dodgers pitcher. He's not the former Giants third baseman. In fact, we have no idea how he got this Marlins uniform. Dude never sniffed the bigs. As Baseball-Reference.com puts it, "He hit .241/.280/.289 [in AA in 1994], demonstrating that his bat was not of major league caliber." And is it any wonder? Look at those tiny, spindly legs and the goiter-like bulge! The poor little guy probably couldn't run 5 feet without toppling over.

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

B.J. Surhoff, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: B.J. (snicker) Surhoff
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One sexy first name
Key 1992 stat: Ran the 40 in 1.3 seconds
One fast B.J.: I remember watching B.J. Surhoff play. I remember laughing a little every time his name was uttered over the airwaves. I even heckled him one time in person when he was with the Orioles. But I don't remember him being faster than light. Look at that motion blur! He must have gotten out of his crouch before the batter was done swinging. Of course, we all know how hard it is to capture B.J.s on film, so it's possible Topps set up a motion-sensing camera outside Surhoff's home, hoping to catch an unsuspecting B.J. before he shot out of the frame.

B.J. Surhoff, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Fernando Valenzuela

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Ace

Value of card: Three weeks' worth of SlimFast

Key 1992 stat: One pair of red-lens sunglasses

10 of Fernando Valenzuela's alter-egos:

10) JohnBoy Ferguson, expert bird hunter

9) Lead singer, U2

8) Ferdinand Valentino, lothario

7) Louie Little Arms, sideshow freak

6) Francois Valensuis, French backup dancer

5) Esmeralda Fernandez, SlimFast success story

4) Three Fernandos, breaker of laws of physics

3) Freddie Fontane, Sunglass Hut model

2) Fern, plant

1) Ponch

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, wino
Value of card: $2 coupon for a bottle of Night Train
Key 1992 stat: One liver transplant
Have another one, you lush: For shame, Andy Van Slyke. Sure, everyone has smelled the hooch on your breath in the locker room, but this time you've gone too far. What, that bottle of Thunderbird couldn't wait until after the game? You're a mess, tripping over the AstroTurf, having your third base coach carry you off the field, and likely soiling yourself in the process. What kind of example are you setting for the children, taking the field with a flask of cherry-flavored vodka under your cap, already drunk on fortified wine and tallboys of Natty Ice? You disgust me, sir.

Andy Van Slyke, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Four splinters
Key 1992 stat: 14,830 times having mind wander off
Randy Johnson's thoughts from 3:17 p.m. to 3:18 p.m. on Oct. 17, 1992: "This is so stupid. Why would the ball get stuck in the bat? Whatever. Just try to keep your mouth closed this time, Randy. Heh, Randy. My name is Randy Johnson. Heh, heh. The Big Unit is Randy. Ha! That's funny. Remember that time Buhner gave both the Griffeys a hot foot at the same time? Junior cried like a little girl for, like, two hours! 'Oh, I have sensitive feet!' Ha! What a wuss. I bet I could break his bat like this. I wonder what else I could break with my fastball. Bricks, like those karate guys do? Maybe diamonds! Ooh, I wonder what would happen if I hit a bird..."

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: John Franco

Team: New York Mets

Position: Closer

Value of card: Six months of finger elephantiasis treatment

Key 1992 stat: 11 inches of mustache

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on John Franco's face?

(A) A mirror image of his massive eyebrows

(B) The Tropic of Capricorn

(C) The embodiment of his infatuation with Tom Selleck

(D) The hide of his beloved ferret, Mr. Squiggles

(E) The Franco-Plush'en War

(F) All of the above

John Franco, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Scott Pose

Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Cat crap

Key 1992 stat: Two ear flaps

Reaction from Topps Stadium Club photographer upon meeting Pose, 1993: "So, let me get this straight. It says here your last name is Pose. Pose? Really? Like your 'posing' in a horrendous uniform for a terrible baseball card? Hold on, hold on. I got to call my buddy. (silence as giant mobile phone rings) Hello, Dale? You'll never believe this. I'm taking a picture of some guy named Pose. Yeah, I know, ridiculous, huh? Yeah, you should see this guy's batting helmet. It's huge. Two ear flaps, the whole deal. (photographer extends index finger in Pose's direction, signaling for the player to hold on for a few moments) No, no. I'm serious. The guy hasn't moved a muscle since I got here. He's like a robot, just standing there, motionless, with this humongous helmet that nearly goes down to his shoulders. Yeah, Pose. (laughs) Pose hasn't changed his pose in 10 minutes. Total schmuck. (puts down phone) OK, Pose, just stand right there and don't move. Yeah, you're a natural, pal."

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

William Suero, 1993 Topps

Name: William Suero
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Three sticks of butter
Key 1992 stat: One groin injury
That's gotta hurt: You think you're having a bad day? At least you didn't take a Paul Sorrento to the crotch. You can see the grimace starting to form on the infielder's face. Kudos to William Suero for turning the double play despite getting No. 11ed. Hats off, William Suero — see, even Sorrento agrees. Way to take one for the team, even at the cost of infertility.

William Suero, 1993 Topps

Alan Trammell, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One punch to the neck
Key 1992 stat: 113 kung fu movies starred in
Back off, buddy: You don't want to mess with Alan Trammell. Oh, what's that, St. Louis Cardinals infielder Jose Oquendo? You think you're going to come in hard, trying to break up Mr. Trammell's double-play ball? I don't think so. POW! You just got judo chopped in the duodenum! Oh, what, now you're going to cry about it? Maybe you should have kept those cleats a little lower. Start any more static, and Alan will call in his boy Sweet-Lou Whitaker to hyphenate your ass. If they can intimidate Tom Selleck in an episode of "Magnum, P.I.," imagine what they can do to you. So do yourself a favor, smart guy, and just stay down.

Alan Trammell, 1993 Topps Stadium Club