Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:

• Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
• One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
• Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check

Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: USA
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:

• Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
• Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
• Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
• Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
• Jordan whiffed at baseballs.

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Jorge Campos, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Jorge Campos
Team: Mexico
Position: Goalkeeper
Value of card: Two diamonds (shapes, not jewels)
Key 1993 stat: Often ran around with his arms extended, making airplane noises
This one's worth three points: How did Jorge Campos stop opponents from scoring?

A) By dressing like a clown, causing them to laugh themselves silly
B) By dressing like a clown, causing them to flee in terror
C) By wearing a jersey 12 sizes too big that acted like its own net
D) By blinding everyone in the stadium
E) All of the above

Jorge Campos, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 2)

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Mark Portugal
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Portuguese centavo
Key 1992 stat: Seven cavities filled by the dentist
A few outtakes from Mark Portugal's autograph session:

• "Dear Andy, nice glove. It looks a lot like mine      in fact, where is my glove? Hey!"
• "To Teddy: No you can't suck on my lollipop. Buzz off, creep-o."
• "For Vince: No, I haven't actually been to Portugal. It's just my name. Please stop asking."
• "Julie, thanks for saying that I look like a less talented Kevin Costner out there. You mean in terms of acting ability, right?"
• "To Alan: Yes, I do think this is what a baseball player is supposed to look like. Now get out of here before I strangle you with my sunglasses strap."

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Willie Blair
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One framed photo of Blair from "The Facts of Life"
Key career stat: Never had an ERA under 4
Rocky Mountain pop quiz time: What's Willie Blair doing in the above photo?

A) His new dance move, "The Blair Derriere Dare"
B) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for covering first base
C) Getting his butt slapped by Andres Galarraga for other reasons
D) Trying to entice Andres Galarraga to slap his butt for other reasons
E) Trying to hide from manager Don Baylor after giving up yet another home run

Willie Blair, 1993 Upper Deck

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Myers
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth ... LOOK OUT!
Key 1992 stat: 47 tosses of ... DUCK!
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Orange County Register in 1993: "California Angels catcher and mustache idol Greg Myers, center, demonstrates why it's not wise to replace your pine tar with Crisco even if you do use the all-vegetable shortening as gel for your unruly mullet — which, he says, the Southern California ladies love — because your bat could fly into the stands in a game against the Oakland A's and ricochet off a 3-year-old girl, a Republican National Committee fundraiser and an Armenian immigrant, turning at least one of them into an angel of the religious variety on Wednesday in Anaheim, Calif."

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Browne
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 dead ants
Key 1992 stat: 487 fright-filled screams
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Oakland Tribune in 1992: "Jerry Browne, right, who wasn't the past and future governor of California, recoils in fear from an earwig 11 feet from him in the infield grass, while a Red Sox player nearly collapses in laughter and 32,000 fans in the stands make baby-crying sounds and incessantly mock the middle infielder who's afflicted with entomo-aviatophobia — to the lay person, a fear of bugs and things that fly through the air, which, by looking at Browne's career statistics, would include baseballs thrown to a batter."

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Third base
Value of card: A soiled towel
Key 1992 stat: Never stopped smiling
Dmitri Young gets the Weird Al treatment, to the tune of "Don't Worry, Be Happy":
Here's a little song 'bout a bloke
If you watch him play, you'll need a smoke
Don't worry; be happy 
Warning track power caused him trouble 
What should have been homers were just doubles 
Don't worry; be happy
Ain't got no place but on the bench
Fans say his play gives off a stench 
Don't worry; be happy 
The manager say your swing is late 
You, for assignment, he might designate
Don't worry; be happy
No, don't worry; be happy now...

Dmitri Young, 1993 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 5)

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago Tiny White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter, orthodontia patient
Value of card: A trade: your chocolate milk for lil' Frankie's Oreo cookies
Key 1992 stat: Third place, KidStars Trivia and Drinking Contest
Time for a quiz about a quiz:

Who scored 108 runs, had 115 RBI and walked 122 times in 1992?

(A) The cutest damn kid in Ms. Beasley's fourth-grade class in Columbus, Ga.
(B) The best player on the Lions' Little League team.
(C) The subject of one of the dumbest card subsets of all time.
(D) The tooth fairy's No. 1 client.
(E) A mini mock turtleneck model.
(F) All of the above.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Upper Deck KidStars ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 5)

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Confusion
Key 1992 stat: 17,202 off-color jokes told
Laugh it up: Which attempt at humor has Bo Jackson offended his teammate with?

A) "There once was a girl from Nantucket ... wait, what rhymes with Nantucket again?"
B) "My hip isn't the only thing down there that's bionic."
C) "No, seriously, I'm going to hit over .230 this year!"
D) "Have you checked out Baseball Card Bust?"
E) All of the above.

Bo Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck On Deck With ...

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers

Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Criminally little
Key 1992 stat: One awesome haircut
Key Baseball Card Bust stat: 1,000 cards Busted, as of today. From the beginning, people have encouraged us to promote our site more, or update its awful design, or try writing something funny for once. Did we listen? Of course not! So, to thank you, our hundreds dozens pair of loyal fans, today's card is presented at absolutely no cost. You're welcome, America.
Autographs from David Justice (we swear!):

• Dear Brian: I'm sorry, you incorrectly guessed the number of holes in my mesh jersey. Better luck next year!
• To Jason: Thanks for shaving those lines into my head. I can't imagine this look ever going out of style.
• To Sharpie: It's a little weird that you wrote your name on your pen, but whatever.
• Dear Megan: Thanks for asking about the spot on my chin, but I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor.
• Dear Peter: A million thanks for having me on this series of cards that I'm sure will be worth big bucks. You should autograph a photo of me signing autographs. That would be crazy!

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers

Jeff Brantley, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Jeff Brantley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Six Cheez Doodles, dropped on the dugout ground, stepped on
Key 1992 stat: 1,248 hours sitting
10 things Giants manager Roger Craig said during this Jeff Brantley photo shoot:
10) "Somebody turn off the TV in front of Brantley."
9) "You mind warming up, Jeff? That is, if your mullet isn't caught on the back of the chair."
8) "Why even slide on those fancy stirrups this morning?"
7) "Sure, put up your feet. You earned it, pal."
6) "Get out of my seat."
5) "You praying in the dugout or hiding your most shameful asset?"
4) "Make yourself useful and grab me that Diet Pepsi behind you."
3) "Maybe put your hands on just one ball, Brantley — a baseball."
2) "This is definitely not a 'Humm, baby' moment."
1) "No, no, no. Relax, pal. We'll play the baseball."

Jeff Brantley, 1993 Upper Deck

Will Clark, 1993 Upper Deck Reggie Jackson's Clutch Performers

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Six globs of eye black
Key 1992 stat: 66 ducks shot dead
Time for a critical pop quiz:

What was Reggie Jackson's assessment of Will Clark on the back of this card?

(A) "Clark is a great player. He has a smooth swing and knows the game. But he's nowhere near as good as me, Mr. October."
(B) "Clark is one of the most clutch players I know. I once asked him to get me a donut. You guessed it: clutch."
(C) "Clark looks like a baseball player should look. He has a sweet swing and wears eye black well. All he needs are some movie-star shades, a ratty mustache and afro puffs."
(D) "Clark is known as 'The Thrill.' It's a good nickname. But his middle name is 'Nuschler.' C'mon, 'Nuschler'? Give me a break. Get off the field, sissy."
(E) All of the above.

Will Clark, 1993 Upper Deck Reggie Jackson's Clutch Performers

Lenny Harris, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Harris
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Infield
Value of card: Nothing, toss it
Key 1992 stat: 12 bocce ball tournament victories
Time for another pop quiz:

Why is Lenny Harris throwing his helmet?

(A) He's trying to draw the cute photographer's attention to his bulge.
(B) He's just passing the time during one of his daily nonstarts.
(C) He's not. He's using mind power to levitate it.
(D) He looked at his stats and is giving up baseball, uniform piece by uniform piece.
(E) All of the above.

Lenny Harris, 1993 Upper Deck

Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

Names (clockwise from left): Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One quasi-racist rallying cry
Key 1993 stat: A whole bunch of wins
It's an all-aces Matchup:

Round 1: Creepiness (Winner: Avery)
Round 2: Photoshopped into this card (Winner: Maddux)
Round 3: Facial hair (Winner: Smoltz, by default)
Round 4: Unnecessary sleeves (Winner: Smoltz)
Round 5: Not actually as good as it seemed (Winner: Avery)
Round 6: Laziness (Winner: Glavine)
Round 7: Knowing that chicks dig the long ball (Winner: Tie between Glavine and Maddux)
Round 8: Being a little too happy to touch Tom Glavine (Winner: Smoltz)

Final score: Smoltz 3, Avery 2, Glavine 1.5, Maddux 1.5

Synopsis: As in life, Steve Avery got off to a hot start only to have his run derailed by mediocrity. Instead, John Smoltz closes out the win late, multiple Cy Youngs be damned.

Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Names: John Kruk, Dave Hollins, Lenny Dykstra (seated), Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions, respectively: First base, catcher, outfield, third base
Value of card: One ingrown nail
Key 1992 stat: 70 wins
Things we know and things we don't know about these guys:

• We know Kruk liked to get hammered, all right.
• We don't know why Dykstra appears to be wearing some sort of satin cravat.
• We know, or at least assume, that Hollins looked like a wolverine with his shirt off.
• We don't know what's going on with Daulton's bulge. But we can't stop staring.
• We don't know why Dykstra had to make the nails look like a phallus. That's just weird.
• We know that Daulton is a little too happy to be in this photo. 
• We don't know why Daulton is into this Mayan calendar crap, but we wish he'd knock it off, Creep-o.
• We know that Kruk should never wear a turtleneck again. Ever. Good lord.

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One torn canvas
Key 1993 stat: No good impressions
Here's our review of this "artwork": What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some sort of Monet-inspired water lily thing? And if so, then why are Mirer's head and torso clear? Trust us, we saw Rick Mirer play. There was nothing sharp about him, except the criticism he so rightly received.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Phils Hiatts

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Kansas City Royals and Kansas City Royals

Positions: Third base, third base, and 3B

Value of card: Three doll hairs (It only took 698 posts to pull out that tired childhood joke.)

Key 1992 stat: Three dudes, lying on one another

The caption: "Phil Hiatt, right, dives for a ball hit down the third-base line while lying on top of Phil Hiatt, center, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line while gently placing his genitals on the rear end of Phil Hiatt, left, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line in an attempt to hide his on-field arousal."

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck