Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Name: Troy Aikman
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Saddle sores
Key 1994 stat: Never removed his helmet
Ten confusing things about this Troy Aikman card:

10) It's daytime on the left, but nighttime on the right, making him some sort of time lord.
9) He's wearing a saddle blanket as a toga.
8) Rather than burning his blanket-toga, the fire at his feet is turning into delicious weightless liquid cheese.
7) He's not eating the delicious floating cheese.
6) His throne has to be the least comfortable seat in the West.
5) Those little cowboy statues have giant footballs for hands.
4) It's unclear whether his helmet is translucent or just really well polished.
3) It looks like he's been using his sparkly rings to reflect sunlight and tan his face a deep, leathery brown.
2) His kingdom's flag appears to be in Packers colors.
1) It's unclear whether he brought enough peyote to share with the rest of us.

Troy Aikman, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 5)

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Name: Brett Favre
Team: Green Bay Packers
Positions: Quarterback, knight
Value of card: 2 bags of the finest spice (spoiled)
Key 1993 stat: 41 dinners at Medieval Times
Possible names for Brett Favre had he been a knight in the middle ages:

• Sir Brett Plumehead
• Lord Favre of Lambeau
• Knight of the Green-and-Gold
• Grey Beard, Protector of the Cheeseheads
• Brett the Unshaven, First of His Name
• Prince Packer of House Bulge

Brett Favre, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 4)

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Name: Ricky Watters
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two drops of irrigation water
Key 1994 stat: Hated getting his socks wet
A matter of faith: Yep, that's Ricky Watters walking, er, make that running on water in the above illustration. Here are some other miracles the halfback performed.

• Turned orange Gatorade into wine-flavored Gatorade
• Turned a dead ball into a live ball
• Made the scales fall from a referee's eyes
• Drank all the wine-flavored Gatorade and arose three days later, albeit with cottonmouth and a headache

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One end zone seat approximately half a mile from the field
Key 1994 stat: 104 pounds of delicious barbecued meat eaten
Ummmm: Why is Joe Montana so happy?

A) Because he just threw a wedge of Swiss cheese shaped and painted like the Chiefs logo.
B) Because it's raining Gobstoppers.
C) Because he's delighted that the shadow of the goalpost is falling in a completely different direction than the shadow of his arm.
D) Because that little half-size upright is hilarious.
E) Because the artist who drew this card shared some of what he was smoking.

Joe Montana, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Football Friday No. 167)

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: A wine stain on your carpet
Key 1993 stat: Hat two sizes too big for his head, apparently
Our interpretation of another masterpiece by the folks at Fleer: OK, so the weird miniature lightning striking the baseball obviously is representative of McDowell's electric stuff. And the smoke coming off the ball likely is indicative of what the artist was on while drawing this creation. We'll assume that the fireworks in the background are in honor of McDowell's 1993 A.L. Cy Young award. Shoot, we'll even venture that the strange twist in the front of his jersey represents his inner animal (presumably a ferret or weasel) trying to come out. But what the heck are those dramatic veins in his glove hand? Good lord, that's frightening.

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: Washington Wizards St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One YouTube clip of some kid talking about "Magic: The Gathering"
Key 1993 stat: Mustache was perfectly flat
Good vs. evil: Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" during his playing days, thanks to his flashy but solid defense and success with the bat. Here, in this LSD-inspired card, Smith is portrayed as an actual wizard, though one who uses a baseball glove instead of a staff or wand. But does he use his magical powers for good or evil? Let's investigate.

Good: Has the ability to call wild birds to him; doesn't mind when they poop on his shoulder.
Evil: Uses said birds to steal Tony Gwynn's halo of baseballs.
Good: Plants little pine trees along his yellow-brick driveway.
Evil: Seems happy that there's some sort of forest fire happening on the left side of the card.
Good: Lives in a bright, magical castle that totally increased his neighborhood's property values.
Evil: Despite its hue, said castle is not "green," lacking solar panels, composting and a recycling program.

Verdict: Hell, who cares? These cards have inspired us to drink a little mushroom tea. If you need us, we'll be examining the shrubs for the next six hours.

Ozzie Smith, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 6)

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One soiled towel
Key 1993 stat: Zero appreciation of art
A literal interpretation of this candy-colored illustration: Darren Daulton, who refused to ever take off his catcher's gear or cut his hair, takes a break from his side job wiping down tiny bar stools in the land of Westeros to soothe his aching feet in a crumbling block of feta cheese while clouds of poisonous gas hover over the Matterhorn.

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: It looks like a zero and a 9 on the left side of the card, so we'll say .09 cents
Key 1993 stat: 479 buildings climbed and smashed
It's time for a monster pop quiz:

How did Godzilla-size Matt Williams' rampage change San Francisco?

(A) He ate part of Golden Gate Park, and then barfed all over the Bay Bridge, turning it green and purple.
(B) He rearranged the skyline, seen above, so it doesn't match reality.
(C) He threw his massive glove in San Francisco Bay and caused a tsunami that sunk the Ferry Building and Coit Tower.
(D) He picked up and moved the Bay Bridge, forcing it to divert cars onto a soccer field.
(E) He farted purple clouds of pollution.
(F) He tore rectangular, tinted windows off the Transamerica Pyramid and used them as sunglasses.
(G) All of the above.

Matt Williams, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 4)

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three tabs of acid (hence what you're seeing)
Key 1993 stat: One long, strange trip
10 mixed messages one could interpret from this card:
10) Once you make the Hall of Fame, you're whisked away to a hallucinogenic wonderland.
9) Gwynn's head is so big it has its own orbiting satellites.
8) San Diego is full of bright-orange skies, boats, palm trees and a giant net that for no explainable reason covers part of the night sky.
7) Gwynn is a wizard ... make that a priest ... make that a pinstriped Jedi.
6) If that's a halo formed by baseballs, there's a certain team in Anaheim that should have a Hall of Famer on its roster.
5) Gwynn believed in religion, but not as much as he believed in mock turtlenecks.
4) Baseball's rules, regulations, sayings and secrets are kept in a bible — a blank one
3) Gwynn was the first gay-rights-promoting baseball player.
2) Fleer made ugly batting gloves.
1) Drugs can get you a job painting pictures for baseball cards.

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)

Name: John Olerud
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: No number could represent such a low value
Key 1993 stat: See above
Let's take a look at John Olerud, By the Numbers, clockwise, from top left:

.270: Average with two outs, one ball, two strikes, in the fifth inning, on blustery days, in Toronto, in the second week of the month, with the opposing pitcher chewing tobacco
Uh, 00? Times taking the field without a batting helmet
Let's go with 8: Pounds of batting gloves worn
Maybe that's an 87: Percentage of teammates who made fun of him for wearing a helmet on the field
.2 ... uh: Percentage of collectors who didn't throw this card in the trash
38: Special
.209: Average with ladies in scoring position
.39: Percentage of underwear drawer that featured Blue Jays logos
.298: Percentage of the unexplainable lake behind him filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.3: Percentage of Olerud filled with Moosehead, Toronto's favorite beer
.278: Batting average while making a stupid face
There goes that run of interpretable numbers, so, um, 80? Times he forgot to toss bat before running to first base
369: Numbers on this card
.301: Who cares? That's enough stats, for helmet's sake

John Olerud, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 2)

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, actor
Value of card: 12 fireworks duds
Key 1993 stat: 26 red-carpet treatments
Welcome to Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week: The glitz. The glamour. The gastronomical pains. Yes, we're giving you seven days of some of the brightest and most pastel-iest baseball cards ever printed, and this Fleer subset promises not to disappoint. Get ready to see why these 1994 cards put the "ill" in "illustration."
Mike Piazza is sooo Hollywood. Here are some of the Hollywood movies in which he has starred:

• "The Catcher in the Sty"
• "Crouching Catcher, Hidden Italian"
• "The Dream Catcher (If You Don't Mind Terrible Defense)"
• "Six Goatees of Separation"
• "S.Q.U.A.T."
• "L.A. Story: Another Losing Season"
• "West Sideburns Story"

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Name: Tre Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: 3 ounces of burnt steel
Key 1993 stat: 16 rolls of tape layered around knees and ankles, daily
Washington Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Tre Johnson: "This guy puts the 'offensive' in 'offensive lineman.' ... By the looks of this card, we can count on him to always be on fire. ... If this guy's face mask were any bigger OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT BABOON EMERGING FROM THE FLAMING MOLTON STEEL BEHIND TRE JOHNSON? HOW DID NO ONE SEE THAT GIGANTIC GREAT APE'S FACE PEERING FROM BEHIND THIS GUY AND INTO OUR SOULS? A BABOON! A DAMN BABOON! FLEER ALLOWED A BABOON TO GET ON A FOOTBALL CARD!"

Tre Johnson, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 124)

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Name: Bryant Young
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Gandalf's Ring-Bearers
Positions: Defensive line, best pal
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: One trilogy; three volumes, two books apiece
Frodo's right-hand lineman: Gather 'round, young fantasy fans, and hear the story of Bryant "Samwise" Young, a simple defensive lineman whose devotion to cornerback Aaron "Frodo" Glenn helped Middle-Earth's inhabitants survive the most evil of threats. After Frodo Glenn found a football partially buried near the 40-yard line in The Shire, Samwise Young was tasked with accompanying his young Hobbit friend on a destiny quest to the fabled land of End Zone, where the two would spike the football into the fiery depths of Mordor's Cracks of Doom. They survived bloody battles, walked for eons and had hundreds of homo-erotic encounters, all in the name of fellowship. But near their goal, Frodo Glenn became too exhausted to continue the journey. Young Sam Young used all his might to help his companion, and, after a struggle with the disgusting "Gollum" Cook, the football was cast into the fire, thus ending their destiny quest, and their passionate love affair.

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 86)

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Name: Jerome Bettis

Team: Los Angeles Rams

Position: Running back

Value of card: 12 pounds of rock

Key Super Bowl stat: 413 head-butts

Butt ... why? The 1994 Los Angeles Rams were a team in chaos. Orange County was mired in a recession, making it hard for a mediocre team to entice fans to buy tickets. Amid much criticism and Southern California whining, owner Georgia Frontiere worked out a deal to move the team to St. Louis.

"But how do we get there?" Butt and ram: Frontiere had everything set for the move from the West Coast to the heart of Middle America, except for a way to get there. Protesters were blocking the team complex gates and moving companies refused to upset customers who were part of the fan base. Enter Jerome Bettis. The Notre Dame alumnus had thighs the size of Port-O-Potties and a penchant for running into things, such as Port-O-Potties. He also had horns, which made him even harder to tackle. Frontiere persuaded Bettis to lead the team from the complex across the nation and into St. Louis. He took on the challenge, first head-butting protesters, then vehicles on freeways, then buildings that were in the way, and then naturally occurring land masses. Whatever got in his way, he ran into head-first, leaving a path of pulverization in his wake. Bettis's horns and head-butts paved the way to St. Louis, thus paving the way to the Rams' 1999 Super Bowl victory and his own Super Bowl success with the Steelers.

Jerome Bettis, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Super Bowl Week No. 3)

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Freedom isn't free
Key 1993 stats: 50 stars, 13 stripes
Proud to be an American, Part 2: How American was Frank Thomas during his playing days? He was so American, he lived inside the Lincoln Memorial and bathed in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. He was so American, he bred bald eagles and rode one to each game. He was so American, he kept copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and the Bill of Rights in his bathroom as reading material. Frank Thomas was so American, both his names were those of former presidents. He was so American he recited the Pledge of Allegiance before every at-bat. He was so American, he arm-wrestled Mark McGwire in every national park for the title of Most American Person Ever. Frank Thomas was so damn American, he swam the Mississippi River, bare-knuckle boxed a grizzly bear and kicked Fidel Castro in the groin all in one day! USA! USA! USA!

Frank Thomas, 1994 Fleer All Star

Carlos Baerga, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Carlos Baerga
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Second base
Value of card: Many questions
Key 1993 stat: 14 suns destroyed
Literal translation: So, since there's no way to determine exactly what the hell is supposed to be going on in this illustration, here's the literal take on it. Carlos Baerga lived in outer space, where ice chips floated across the sky and poisonous vapors wafted behind him wherever he went. Baerga used a hammer with tail feathers as a bat. Instead of the batter's box, he took most of his swings from atop a giant bushel of grapes. He liked to blow up stars resembling tennis balls that exploded into giant fireworks. And, most importantly, his uniform pants were so tight, you could see the flask of whiskey in his back pocket.

Carlos Baerga, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)

Name: Aaron Glenn
Team: Texas A&M
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One ring (to rule them all)
Key 1993 stat: 72 orcs slain
He's no hobbit: Gather 'round and hear the tale of Aaron "Frodo" Glenn, a simple cornerback who faced an incredible task. Walking through the wooded land of College Station, Texas, Aaron noticed a football partially buried in the ground. He unearthed the ball, picked it up and immediately felt a sense of destiny flow through him. This was the Football of Power, stitched in the fires of Mordor. The ball had long ago been stolen from the sport's evil king and lost in the pages of time. Aaron's find set forth a legendary series of events, teaming him with elves, dwarves and a gray wizard, and pitting him against ogres, demons and tackling dummies. The young defensive back's chore: Return the ball to the land of darkness and cast it into the furnace from whence it came. Aaron, seen here at the gates of the fiery kingdom, overcame the many obstacles set before him, spiked the cursed object into the flames and did the Ickey Shuffle. The dark lord's power was broken, and little Aaron Glenn became a Saint.

Aaron Glenn, 1994 Fleer NFL Prospects (Football Friday No. 4)