Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 16 blades of dry grass
Key 1993 stat: 11,765 hours spent going over the Dewey Decimal System
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which we're told ran in the Los Angeles Daily News in 1993: "Los Angeles Dodgers starting pitcher Orel Hershiser, left, who apparently works as a librarian in the offseason, shops at a Los Angeles-area Home Depot for specialty sod that he plans to install at Dodger Stadium because he read 11 books on the differences between Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass and he has concluded that a new playing surface would qualitatively benefit his teammates by providing them a 15 percent increase in one-run victories when compared with the past five years' average, all while trying to ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates player behind him who keeps trying to hide by covering his face even though his body is sticking out in the open Thursday in Burbank."

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A quarter, flipped and then lost down a sewer grate
Key 1993 stat: Zero marlins caught
Repetitive motion disorder: Watching a catcher toss off his mask and go scrambling for a ball is one of the most dramatic sights in baseball. Benny Santiago knew this and used it to his advantage. He'd wear his headgear constantly, whether at the ballpark, out in public or in the comfort of his own home. Here are some less appropriate situations in which Benny flipped his lid, so to speak:

• In the car, anytime he tried to run a yellow light
• When the restaurant check came
• Anytime the bartender called last call
• During "Bud Bowl III"
• Whenever he heard the chorus of Van Halen's "Jump"
• After making sweet, sweet love to Mrs. Santiago

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Name: Harry Colon (a-huh-huh)
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: Three used groin towels
Key 1993 stat: 27 guys punched out for making fun of his name
OK, OK, just calm down: We here at The Bust pride ourselves on taking the high road. We would never make fun of a guy just because he has a funny name. Stooping so low would defeat the purpose of such a noble blog. Just because a talented, intelligent, strong, hard-working athlete has a surname that could be a schoolyard synonym for buttocks and a first name that implies said buttocks is covered in hair would never lead us to try to turn such an unfounded juvenile insult into a few thousand hundred dozen page views. No, we're far too high-brow to make a respected professional football player the butt of such a joke.

Harry Colon, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Super Bowl XXIX (Football Friday No. 153)

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Tim Wallach
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Third base
Value of card: Not enough to get caught in that netting
Key 1993 stat: Could have used some more batting practice
Read this man's mind: What's Tim Wallach thinking in this photo?

A) "This is as close to home plate as I've been all year."
B) "This Astroturf tastes nothing like real grass."
C) "Uh oh, Lasorda's out of cannolis again. Run!"
D) "Hi mom!"
E) Holy crap, according to the back of the card, it actually is "Hi mom!" You must be psychic!

Tim Wallach, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Dan Peltier, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Dan Peltier
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A three-day-old scab
Key 1993 stat: 72,018 things sanded
On deck, one pop quiz:

What's ol' Dan Peltier up to in this photo?

A) Getting a bat ready for his next plate appearance
B) Oh, wait, Dan Peltier never actually got any playing time
C) Getting a bat ready for one of his teammates' next plate appearances
D) Oh, wait, he wasn't allowed to touch the team's bats or talk to any of the other Rangers
E) Hmm. I guess that leaves ... grinding his shaft?

Dan Peltier, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Rickey Jackson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 67)

Name: Rickey Jackson

Team: Team Gatorade

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: 4 ounces of warm Gatorade

Key 1994 stat: Huh-huh, Football Friday No. 69

Script from Gatorade TV commercial, circa 1994: "What's up, mother(expletives)! This is Rickey Jackson. (Zoom to close-up of Jackson's anger-filled face, spit flying out of his mouth.) Who am I? Don't ask (expletive) questions! All you need to know is one thing: Drink (expletive) Gatorade. That's right. Drink (expletive) Gatorade. It tastes good. It's wet. It's full of mother(expletive) electrolytes! It's (expletive) delicious. That's right, delicious. Look at my awesome mother(expletive) hat. I'd bathe my mother in this mother(expletive) beverage. I'd drink it all (expletive) day if I could. You saying I won't? Watch me, mother(expletives)! (Cut to shot of Jackson pouring Gatorade all over his face, then cut to another close-up of his anger-filled face.) Gatorade, it's better than me kicking your mother(expletive) (expletive)!"

Rickey Jackson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 67)

Erik Pappas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Erik Pappas
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Catcher, outfield
Value of card: One melon rind
Key 1993 stat: 47 pounds gained
Hunger, just not for the game: Erik Pappas wasn't very good at baseball. He spent a lot of time in the dugout, bored, watching his teammates play the game he loved while he pined for any sort of attention from manager Joe Torre. Then he began eating. At first it was just sunflower seeds or a little beef jerky. Then he moved on to heartier fare, bringing in a whole pizza or a bowl of cut-up cheddar cheese, as seen on this card. By the end of the 1993 season, Pappas carried a George Foreman Grill with him wherever he went, had grease stains on all of his uniform pants and smelled vaguely of turkey burgers. On the plus side, he finally looked like a catcher.

Erik Pappas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Jeromy Burnitz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club ML Debut

Name: Jeromy Burnitz

Team: New York Mets

Position: Right field

Value of card: Two pieces of used finger tape

Key 1993 stat: Countless hours waiting for a shot at the big time

Sadness debuts: Jeromy Burnitz was ecstatic when he was called up to the big leagues June 21, 1993. He got his mullet trimmed. He double-wrapped athletic tape around his fingers for no reason. He made sure his bulge was in place and put on his best pair of Pony high-tops. But manager Dallas Green didn't pencil Burnitz into the starting lineup. With tears streaming down his face he left the dugout and plopped himself down on the dirt in front of a local TV station sign. He thought about his mother at home in California watching the game, her "Little Mooky" nowhere in sight. He thought about his college buddies in Oklahoma, drinking beers and screaming at the TV, "I think I saw him! No. Wait, there he is! No." He sat and he cried, taking comfort in grabbing his junk, thinking about the people he loved and wondering who this "JerEmy Burnitz" guy was on the lineup card and why he got a shot in right field for the Mets.

Jeromy Burnitz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club ML Debut

Jeff Schwarz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Jeff Schwarz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Half a spacebuck
Key 1993 stat: Twice went to ludicrous speed
Top 10 printable lines from the greatest movie of all time, "Spaceballs":

10) You have the ring, and I see your Schwarz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.
9) They've gone to plaid!
8) I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
7) I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
6) Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
5) What!? You went over my helmet?!
4) So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
3) What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
2) So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
1) I hate it when I get my Schwarz twisted.

Jeff Schwarz, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Chris Gomez, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Chris Gomez
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Infielder
Value of card: One used latex glove
Key 1993 stat: Lots of time on the ground
This will only take a minute: There's a reason for Chris Gomez's subpar career numbers — he wasn't a professional baseball player. In 1993, the commissioner's office began a push to get its players screened for prostate cancer. Of course, most players, young and athletic, were reluctant to have someone check out their plumbing. In stepped Dr. Chris Gomez of Lansing, Mich. The good doctor agreed to masquerade as an MLB shortstop, but when the opportunity arose — such as Darryl Hamilton's poorly timed base-cleaning above — Gomez would slip on a pre-lubricated rubber glove, yank on the baserunner's trousers and do a little scoping. This earned Dr. Gomez his share of roundhouse kicks to the head, and the commissioner decided his plan was flawed. The Tigers, lacking anyone else capable of playing shortstop, decided to keep Gomez on the payroll for a few more years anyway.

Chris Gomez, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Name: Randall McDaniel

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Position: Left guard
Value of card: A growth spurt
Key 1993 stat: One size fits all

It's halftime for NFL Kickoff Week. Here's a pop quiz:

What is Randall McDaniel's hat size?

A) XL (That's Roman numerals for 40, not extra large)
B) 2. As in, it would take 2 hats to cover that massive noggin.
C) Five gallons
D) Whatever Mr. McDaniel says it is

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The dirt off his crotch

Key 1993 stat: Three fades a day

10 things Rickey Be Rickey did after this photo was taken, in order:

10) Tipped his cap to himself, in the third person, for literally stealing a base

9) Wiped the dirt off his uniform, focusing for 14 minutes below his belt and above his knees

8) Had the bat boy clean up his fade, which was out of place after sliding into second base

7) Proceeded to locker room, where he slipped base into a duffel bag

6) Got down into a base-stealing crouch and hustled to the shower

5) Slid head-first into his off-the-field clothes

4) Stole a teammate's necklace; stole another teammate's credit card; stole another teammate's wallet

3) Got a sign from the third-base coach and ran home

2) Spoke to himself between two bathroom mirrors, thereby inventing the fourth-person singular pronoun

1) Stole a few winks of sleep

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Frank Thomas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Award Winner

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven fonts
Key 1993 stat: Six fingers held in front of face
Here's an award-winning post: The Big Hurt was the 1993 AL MVP. Here are 10 awards he was nominated for that year:

10) Tightest, whitest pants, sponsored by Fruit of the Loom
9) The Reebok Foundation's Sweatiest Wrists of the Year
8) The Larry Csonka Memorial Award for Best Secret Flipping of the Bird
7) Dean's List, Lasorda University
6) The Friends of Johnny Cash Man in Black of the Year
5) 24 Hour Fitness' Jazzerciser of the Month
4) The Pulitzer Prize for Most Fake Labels on a Baseball Card
3) Fisherman of the Week, Oct. 6-13, Lake Michigan Harbor Society
2) American League Most Bestest Player
1) Nobel Prize in Eye Black

Frank Thomas, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Award Winner

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 ounces of tobacco spit and mullet grease mixed together

Key 1993 stat: 22 inches of mullet

Time for a pop quiz that's a tall order:

What name did Randy Johnson's teammates give his mullet?

(A) The Soggy Squid

(B) The Bigger Unit

(C) Cascading Scumminess

(D) The Wraparound Neck Warmer

(E) Sopping Strands of Intimidation

(F) All of the above

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)

Name: Junior Seau

Team: San Diego Chargers

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: Ow — zilch

Key 1993 stat: One product line bankruptcy

10 items in the Say-Ow Gear product line:

10) The Say-Ow Abscess Patch

9) The "Junior" Say-Ow Baby Bib Choker

8) The Say-Ow Mustache Plucker

7) The Say-Ow Broken Leg (Seau himself comes to your home and snaps your femur like a twig)

6) The Say-Owl Bird Frightener

5) The Say-Ow Respect Reducer (seen above)

4) The Say-Ow Nose Flattener

3) The Say-Ow Home Enema Kit

2) The Say-Ow Practical Visor (bill facing the correct way, thus serving its purpose to shade one's eyes from sunlight)

1) The Say-Ow Pun Generator (recalled)

Junior Seau, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 41)

Keith Sims, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 27)

Name: Keith Sims

Team: Miami Dolphins

Position: Offensive line

Value of card: 14 cheeseburgers

Key 1993 stat: 55-pound head

How big is Keith Sims' head?

(A) It was used as a float in the 1994 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

(B) The photo above was taken on normal zoom from 25 feet away.

(C) He took a nap on Easter Island and tourists started taking pictures with him.

(D) His neck had to be reinforced with 42 pounds of steel.

(E) All of the above.

Keith Sims, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (Football Friday No. 27)

Ron Gant, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ron Gant
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One metric ton of creatine
Key 1993 stat: Second place at All-Star Game's shirtless home run derby
No shirt, no shoes, no problem: Ron Gant was a badass. Look at him. The only thing more impressive than those biceps is that mustache. In 1993, Gant was in his physical prime. When not modeling terry cloth armbands, he was ripping the covers off baseballs and stealing bases like a madman. More chiseled than the statue of David, Gant decided to stop wearing his uniform shirt, instead taping his number to his back like a marathon runner. Gant began drawing an unusually high number of walks, as opposing pitchers were distracted by the lights glistening off the baby oil slathered on his chest. Acting commissioner Bud Selig eventually forced Gant to cover himself from the waist up. Gant responded by cutting the sleeves off all his uniform tops, telling the media, "These pythons can't be caged."
Wait a minute: Why is Ron Gant's right arm so veiny? Look at that thing. He looks like a bodybuilding burn victim. Sheesh.

Ron Gant, 1994 Topps Stadium Club