Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Name: Roberto Alomar
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 cent a minute
Key 1993 stat: $321 in overage charges
Conversation between Roberto Alomar and brother Sandy Alomar Jr., circa 1993: "Hey, Sandy, it's me. Yeah, I'm supposed to be out on the field, but I wanted to talk to you about a wireless plan. AT&T is sponsoring me and I have a great deal for you. If you buy a $499.99 phone that only weighs 4 pounds, you get access to my friends-and-family plan. That's right, if you buy the phone that can double as a yacht anchor you only have to pay $11 a minute to talk to me and one other friend or family member. I'd suggest you add Dad. I bought him an older model cellular phone that has a rotary dial and weighs 8 pounds. So can I sign you up? OK, talk to your agent and try to get that bigger contract first before you sign up for this one. Toodles."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Roberto Alomar, 1994 Upper Deck SP Die Cuts

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Alexi Lalas
Team: USA
Position: Defender
Value of card: 2 ounces of ginger (the root)
Key 1993 stat: 4 pounds of ginger (the hair)
Top 10 Grateful Dead songs inspired by Alexi Lalas:
10) "(Ginger's) High Time"
9) "Touch Of Grey Red"
8) "Friend Of The Devil (And The Same Color)"
7) "Truckin' (To The Barber)"
6) "Eyes Of The World (Behind Those Shades)"
5) "(Really) Scarlet Begonias"
4) "Hell In A Bucket Mullet"
3) "Loser"
2) "Morning Dew 'Do"
1) "Fire (Crotch) on the Mountain"

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene "Motoroboat" Jones
Team: Chatanooga Lookouts
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A fish hook stuck in your finger
Key 1993 stat: Did not own a motor boat
This pop quiz is taking on water: How did Motorboat Jones get his name?

(A) Constant flatulence
(B) He carried an aroma of fish guts and sea captains
(C) A series of sexual harassment suits involving his face and women's cleavage
(D) Teams that purchased his contract always regretted it within a few months and rarely used him
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs 

Motorboat Jones, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects (Fan Appreciation Week No. 2)

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Cal Ripken Jr.
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 3 cents a minute
Key 1993 stat: $14,921 monthly phone bill
10 things that Cal Ripken Jr. heard on the phone during this conversation:
10) "We've been talking for 30 seconds. Your arm must be getting tired."
9) "Cal, it's your brother Billy. I wrote something about you on my bat's knob."
8) "Hurry up and miss a game already; you're making everybody look bad."
7) "Please enter a credit card number for 15 more minutes of hot, steamy, unadulterated pillow talk."
6) "Did you buy the phone because it matches your hair color, which matches your cold, gray eyes?"
5) "Cal, it's me, Brian. You talk to Gary or Joe?"
4) "This is Mr. T, foo. Gimme back my necklace."
3) "Sir, is your refrigerator running?"
2) "When you're done with this call, just use the phone as a bat."
1) "Hey, Cal. You just answered the toaster."

Cal Ripken Jr., 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Scott Eyre
Team: Charleston Rainbows (Texas Rangers affiliate)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 percent tip on nada
Key 1994 stat: 4,809 times it was impossible to live down this card
Steady your stomach, it's time for another recipe:

Rainbow balls
2 regulation baseballs
3 ounces irony
11 pints of missed puns
Dash of childlike innocence
Double entendre to taste

Take the baseballs and set them on a table. Tell an 18-year-old rookie to sit down and pretend to cut the baseballs with a plastic knife and fork. Call over a professional baseball card company photographer. Never mention you're doing this because it's hilarious that a guy sporting rainbows all over his clothes is eating balls. Ridicule the rookie incessantly when the card "comes out." Repeat each year until your career fizzles out.

Scott Eyre, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Jason Schmidt
Team: Durham Bulls
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 clouds
Key 1993 stat: One gray undershirt that had started the season white
It's all a bit hazy: Despite the fact that Jason Schmidt is holding this baseball up against the camera lens, we still can't read what it says. Can you?

A) Unofficial penciled-in mustache
B) Official double-chin league
C) Offensive baseball language
D) Official Sinclair Lewis
E) Optical illusion liquor

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Kenny G cassette tape
Key 1993 stat: Zero notes played in tune
Top 10 cover bands Chuck Finley pretended he formed:
10) Van Flailin'
9) Bruce Swingsteen and the E-3 Band
8) Ice T-ball
7) Rage Against the Pitching Machine
6) Pink Cliff Floyd
5) System of a Rundown
4) The Uncle Charlie Daniels Band
3) Yo La Swingo
2) The Who's On First
1) ... And You Shall Know Us By the Trail of Tobacco Spit

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Joey Cora
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: An apple in the road that's been run over twice
Key 1993 stat: At least one time lying down on the job
Here's another Caption, which may have run in a South Side newspaper in 1993: "Photographer Jack Coughlin experiments with his new zoom lens while taking a terrible picture of White Sox second baseman Joey Cora applying a late tag to a baserunner during Tuesday's game. We apologize to our readers."

Joey Cora, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Karim Garcia
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Hmm, let me put my finger to my face and think about it; OK, nothing
Key 1993 stat: 16 cuts from his razor-sharp Razor sunglasses
Dodgers' scouting report on top prospect Karim Garcia: "Well, with a mullet like that, you ... Wait! What the hell! No way! Did this guy piss himself? He did! He pissed himself on the field! Oh, that's shameful! That is so shameful. We can't bring this kid up to the majors; he can't even control his bladder. You know what they say about someone covered in their own urine? 'You're in' trouble if you put them on your team. You want a letter grade on this 'top prospect'? How about a P-minus?"

Karim Garcia, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Acevedo
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six dead AA batteries
Key 1993 stat: Two laps run before passing out
It's time for a musical pop quiz:

What was Juan Acevedo listening to?

(A) "The Garbage Bag Jacket Blues"
(B) A motivational book on tape about stuffing one's pants
(C) Enrique Iglesias, his doppelganger
(D) John Denver's "Rockies Mountain High"
(E) His Walkman rewinding.
(F) All of the above, in that order.

Juan Acevedo, 1994 Upper Deck

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Ben Grieve
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Its prospects aren't good
Key 1993 stats: Four times levitating; zero injury-free landings
Teen magazine Tiger Beat's scouting report of Oakland A's draft pick Ben Grieve: "This dreamboat is a five-tool player: Perfect smile, piercing blue eyes, baby soft skin, strong muscles and a cute little butt. ... His name is Grieve, but girls in the Bay Area won't have to do that until this hunk gets married. ... He even manages to make green mesh look good. Just imagine what it looks like when he's not wearing a T-shirt under it! ... Some might call his adorable ears big, but we're pretty sure that just means he's a good listener. ... Let's face it: It would be worth ducking bullets in Oakland just for a chance to meet this sweetheart!"

Ben Grieve, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor

Name: Glenn Williams
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Team Canberra
Position: Third base
Value of card: In Australian dollars, still nothing
Key 1993 stat: Constantly astounded at how the toilets swirl the other way here
The Bust cookbook: Here's how to create your own Glenn Williams international flavor.

1 lb. kangaroo tongue
3 tbsp. grated wristband
2 n's
4 oz. shaved dramatic eyebrow
1 1/2 cups sweat from a baseball uniform worn in the Atlanta July humidity
1 oz. Nutella
1 bat doughnut

Overpay for all ingredients, then combine them in a pine tar-stained catcher's mitt and stir with your hands for 3 minutes. Simmer in a greasy pot over medium-high heat 15 minutes or until fetid. Then cut your losses and send it to Minnesota. The dish will never be hot; you'll know it's done when it's bitter and disappointing.

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor

John Valentin, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: John Valentin
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Infield
Value of card: Chop it up and we'll weigh it again
Key 1993 stat: 14 8-balls sniffed
It's time for a (sniff, sniff) high-end pop quiz:

Would you attend one of John Valentin's coke parties?

(A) Yes, I love breathing in massive clouds of nose candy.
(B) No, I prefer to party with the 1986 Mets.
(C) No, I don't do drugs and I don't like when Valentin tries to use The Force when on drugs.
(D) I'm not sure (sniff), I just got back from (sniff) Valentin's. I can't (sniff) taste my tongue (sniff).
(E) I'd prefer not to answer this question; I'm high as crap off Valium.

John Valentin, 1994 Upper Deck

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dirty feather
Key 1994 stat: More interceptions than touchdowns
Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Heath Shuler, circa 1994: "He bears a resemblance to John Elway, so that's gotta be worth at least a couple wins a year right there. ... As part of his contract, he wants a new bowl to use during his haircuts. ... He's really into Ace of Base. No, seriously, he carries around a sign that says "I saw the sign." It's just weird. ... At the very least, he'll lead the league in arm hair. ... This kid's got an arm like a cannon: old, rusted and obsolete. ... For his next football card, we should make him dress up in an offensive outfit."

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Rod Beck
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Three "refried" chews
Key 1993 stat: Three addictions kicked; three others relished
Rod Beck, By the Numbers:

48: saves in 1993
48: beers consumed in one sitting, 18 times, 1993
2.16: ERA in 1993
2.16: normal-sized chews taken at once
76: games, 1993
76: games pitched with a hangover, 1993
13: walks, 1993
13: pounds of mullet, 1993
.750: win-loss percentage, 1993
.750: bulge-to-thigh ratio, 1993

Rod Beck, 1994 Upper Deck

Melvin Nieves, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Melvin Nieves
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two photos of the same fake jump
Key 1993 stat: One hit-by-pitch
Hazing day: Rookies put up with a lot during training camp — being called names, being forced to eat dirt, and being made to wear jock straps on their heads. Melvin Nieves was no exception. On photo day, Bip Roberts and Tony Gwynn stole Nieves' jersey and played keepaway with it. Nieves, who had raised his flat top to maximum height and lathered on the bronzer in anticipation of the shoot, fought back tears and attempted to chase down his taken top. The Upper Deck photographer saw what was coming and climbed on top the fence just in time to watch Roberts chuck the jersey toward the stands. Nieves, wearing a a Padres shirt that he was forced to buy at the team store, jumped at the fence in an attempt to prevent his jersey from leaving the park. But, much like the talent needed to play in The Show, the jersey was out of his reach. Nieves couldn't catch his jersey, but the photog caught a great shot of a supremely untalented outfielder.

Melvin Nieves, 1994 Upper Deck

Butch Huskey, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Butch Huskey
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: Carpal-tunnel syndrome
Key 1993 stat: 2,492 ink stains on jersey
A handful of autographs Butch Huskey signed over the years:

• "To Sandy: Yes, my name is really Butch Huskey, and no, you can't find out why."
• "Tom: Thanks for being my 'Number 1 fan.' And screw you for saying 'There's not a lot of competition.'"
• "Little Billy: Thanks for coming to the game. You should get your eyes fixed, though; you're kind of freaking me out."
• "Dear Diane: Thanks for giving me your number. And here I thought '555' was just a made-up prefix."
• "To Walt: I'm stealing your pen. Get over it."
• "Aaron: Thanks for listening to me rant about my lack of playing time. Sorry I cried."
• "Dear Christine: Stop staring at my bulge, already."

Butch Huskey, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Turk Wendell

Team: Chicago Cubs

Value of card: Not as high as Wendell

Key 1993 stat: 36-inch vertical leap

Top 10 descriptions of how high Turk Wendell is:

10) Remember the last time you 'shroomed? He's higher than that.

9) He's approximately 14 times as high as his mullet is long.

8) High enough to brush his teeth between innings.

7) He had enough time in the air to come up with the name "Turk."

6) This high: "Whoa, bro. How'd I get up here?"

5) High enough to think the illustration of the pitcher in the bottom-left corner is a real person.

4) He was literally in the Upper Deck.

3) As high as his invisible surfboard would take him.

2) High enough to believe the baseline is made of anthrax.

1) One answer: Check out those high-tops.

Turk Wendell, 1994 Upper Deck