Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Name: Charlie Hayes
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Third base
Value of card: A roll of film, exposed to sunlight
Key 1995 stat: Traded (again)
Hot corner focus: When he wasn't playing baseball or being traded, Charlie Hayes liked to snap a few photos with his 3-foot telephoto lens. Here are some of the more candid shots he got while with the Pirates.

• Jim Leyland chain smoking
• Carlos Garcia being sewn together from body parts
• Al Martin wearing a leather jersey
• Zane Smith chewing on a clipboard
• Jay Bell dressing like an actual pirate

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 teeth broken with a hammer
Key 1995 stat: 54 threats to photographer demanding this card be ripped to shreds
10 reasons Roger Clemens is a jerk:
10) Just look at this guy.
9) He worked at a soda stand.
8) He's not; the turtleneck is squeezing his neck so tight it's just making him look like one.
7) He ate the photographer shortly after this picture was taken.
6) He looked at your sister that way.
5) Ask Mike Piazza.
4) He stole that turtleneck from Hall of Fame pitcher Warren Spahn.
3) He strangled that poor ball to death.
2) He chewed out his dentist — with his teeth!
1) He was asked to smile politely before this photo was taken.

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Half off tuition at Lasorda University (Actual value: $0)
Key 1995 stat: One grading scandal
Pencils out, it's time for an educational pop quiz: What collegiate class did Tony Gwynn teach?

A) Religion and Art 212
B) Sewing Cargo Pockets onto Jeans 302 (Lab)
C) Chili Dog Consumption 440 (Colloquium)
D) Collar Popping in Modern America 110
E) None of the above, though he did school a few pitchers in his day

Tony Gwynn, 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 2)

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Name: Barry Bonds (feat. Ken Griffey Jr.)
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Overbidding in the Showcase Showdown on "The Price is Right"
Key 1995 stat: Five fingers (that's four more than he usually gave photographers)
Just in time for the MLB playoffs, it's V.J. Lovero Showcase Week: When talented Sports Illustrated photographer V.J. Lovero died in 2004, he left behind many great baseball images, as well as one of the most ridiculous baseball card subsets of all time, the 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase. This week, we're highlighting seven of the most absurd shots from that collection, all intended to show MLB stars at their most colorful (and we all know how well that's turned out before).
Something's amiss: There's something unusual about this card, but we just can't put our finger on it. It's not Griffey, with his hat turned backward, smile on his face       the Kid always seemed to be smiling in the mid-'90s. It's definitely not Barry, waving away a member of the media with a look of displeasure. That's par for the course. It's not even that ad on the fence for Arrowhead Water, so cool and refreshing after a day (OK, three innings) of patrolling the outfield during a spring training game. Wait a sec ... spring training ... that's it! A cloudy day in Phoenix? Unheard of. What, did it start raining toads next?

Barry Bonds (and Ken Griffey Jr.), 1996 Upper Deck (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 1)

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Bip Roberts
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: One dried-out pen
Key 1995 stat: 1,216 "bips" (don't ask)
Bip Roberts is a good guy who signs a lot of autographs; a few choice selections:

• "Johnny, thanks for asking, but I won't show you my 'bip.'"
• "Christie, you're a sweetheart. I like Rickey Henderson, too. But I'm not him."
• "Greg, please, I've signed 14 autographs for you and you're at least 40. Let the kids get some."
• "Julie, pass this ball with my phone number on it to your hot mom. And wink at her."
• "Marty, don't tell anyone, but under this jersey is a leotard superhero costume."
• "Patty, any chance you and the rest of the idiots can come down lower so I don't have to pull a muscle stretching to reach you?" 

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Lee Tinsley, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Lee Tinsley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A five-second TV delay
Key 1995 stat: One evil twin
Hilarity ensues:
Q: How many Lee Tinsleys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one — he's had a lot of practice at his job at the hardware store since he flunked out of baseball.

Lee Tinsley, 1996 Upper Deck

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck Special Report

Name: Edgar Martinez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Half a frequent flier mile
Key 1995 stat: Five minutes wearing a glove
Breaking news: For its 1996 set, Upper Deck decided it was time to update the baseball-card-buying public on the effect Edgar Martinez was having on the world. It also decided 17 different fonts were needed to present its findings. Among the more impressive discoveries:

• Mexico was losing 12 gallons of tequila a month to Martinez's voracious thirst.
• Canada's ozone layer was being depleted because of his flatulence, which drifted north.
• Puerto Ricans started eating an average of five more pounds of food a week once Martinez came to the United States.
• Seattle's Kingdome had to be structurally reinforced in case Martinez ever had to dive for anything.
• The rare boneless pig was forced to the edge of extinction once Edgar discovered the McRib.
• Japan's top three sources of entertainment were Hello Kitty, the Power Rangers and Martinez's belly.
• The world's supply of barbecue sauce dropped exponentially for every pound Edgar put on.
• People on the East Coast of the U.S. realized for the first time that Seattle had a baseball team.

Edgar Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck Special Report

Dennis Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis "El Presidente" Martinez

Team: Cleveland Indians

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Chewing gum residue in your hair

Key 1995 stat: 17 more wrinkles than mustache hairs

Clearing up some rumors about "El Presidente":

• Martinez didn't have wrinkles. He had folds of skin that allowed him to store pieces of gum.
• Martinez wasn't really a president. He had a mustache that was presidential.
• Martinez wasn't the only one blowing bubbles in the dugout. He said to ask your sister.
• Martinez didn't chew gum for the flavor. In his native Nicaragua, blowing a big bubble is similar to "flipping the bird" in the United States.
• Martinez doesn't chew gum with sugar. He's sweet enough.

Dennis Martinez, 1996 Upper Deck

Todd Greene, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Name: Todd Greene

Team: California Angels

Positions: Catcher, outfield

Value of card: Sorry, Greene, no green

Key 1995 stat: 412 awkward half-swings in front of a photographer

Angels' scouting report on top prospect Todd Greene: "This guy has all the tools we're looking for - to build a shelf. ... Wears red batting gloves even though navy blue would have been the obvious choice. ... One thing's for sure: He doesn't mind putting his bulge right in your face. ... Prefers to swing a square bat, which isn't good. ... Plus: He likes to wear mock turtlenecks. ... Minus: His mother never taught him how to properly tuck in a jersey. ... Man, this whole bulge thing is a little much. ... We need to get this guy some mustache practice."

Todd Greene, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospect

Reid Ryan, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Reid Ryan
Team: Charleston RiverDogs (definitely not the Texas Rangers)
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One tarnished silver spoon
Key 1995 life stat: Son of Nolan Ryan
Pop quiz, Junior:

What question from a reporter has Reid Ryan so stumped?

A) "How exactly are you a 'Top Prospect' when you're 0-10 with a 9.34 ERA?"
B) "How are you going to celebrate your 14th birthday?"
C) "Have you ever seen a grown man naked, Reid?"
D) "Who did you steal that Rangers hat from, meat?"
E) "Has your dad ever put you in a headlock?"

Reid Ryan, 1996 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Lance Parrish, 1996 Upper Deck Young at Heart

Name: Lance Parrish
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A handful of spilled Metamucil
Key 1995 stat: Two bad knees
Lies, damn lies and Lance Parrish: This card says Lance Parrish was young at heart in 1995. But how old was he, really?

• Lance Parrish was so old, his first box score was in Roman numerals
• Lance Parrish was so old, when he went to school, there was no history class
• Lance Parrish was so old, he played catch with Jesus
• Lance Parrish was so old, his first mitt was made of dinosaur hide
• Lance Parrish was so old, his birth certificate said "Expired"
• Lance Parrish was so old, he offered constructive criticism to Abner Doubleday
• Lance Parrish was so old, he used to clock pitches with a sundial

Lance Parrish, 1996 Upper Deck Young at Heart