Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Name: Pat Woodcock
Team: Ottawa Renegades
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 giggles
Key 2004 stat: Wore a shirt that said "Woodcock" to work
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200: Congratulations, Pat Woodcock, on your first-ballot, unanimous Bust Name Hall of Fame erection election. Only the best, such as Rusty Kuntz, Dick Pole and Steve Sharts, have achieved this honor so quickly      but there's no doubt that Woodcock stands up to the test.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pat Woodcock, 2004 Jogo CFL (Football Friday No. 224)

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Name: Tiger Woods
Team: Umm, Team Nike?
Position: Golfer
Value of card: Getting your balls in the rough
Key 2001 stat: A much happier Christmas than, say, 2009
Merry Christmas from the Bust: Allow us to present a few Christmas carols influenced by Tiger Woods, the most randy golfer the North Pole ever knew.

• Do You Feel What I Feel?
• The Holly and the Ivy at the Same Time
• O Come, All Ye Unfaithful
• God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman
• Whose Child Is This?
• Away, in a Stranger

Tiger Woods, 2001 Upper Deck (Christmas Day 2014 Special)

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tom Goodwin
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blades of grass
Key 2000 stat: 14 fly balls missed in the sun
It's time for a reflective pop quiz:

What's that reflected in Tom Goodwin's sunglasses?

(A) Teammates visibly ridiculing Goodwin for his oversize sunglasses.
(B) His optometrist.
(C) Oakley's entire marketing department.
(D) A sports card photographer taking the worst shot of his career.
(E) All of the above.

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Name: Magglio Ordonez
Team: Detroit Tigers®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of Tiger Balm
Key 2004 stat: 215 long, long nights spent in Detroit
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure didn't run in the Detroit Free Press in 2005: "Magglio Ordonez, center, participates in a line-dancing routine in the middle of Grand Circus Park in downtown Detroit instead of showing up at Comerica Park for a Tigers game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim while wearing a mock turtleneck and getting mocked because his sweeps and turns weren't in lockstep with the senior citizens who organized the line-dancing event that Ordonez crashed Tuesday in Detroit."

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:

• Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
• J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
• Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
• Ray May, who was always to the point
• And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Andrew Ference
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: One thumb. Not a thumbs-up, just a thumb.
Key  2010-11 stat: One angry wife
Here's how Andrew Ference spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Andrew woke up around 8 a.m. and ate cereal out of the Stanley Cup. He then took the cup out to the garage so he could keep admiring it while getting his young daughter, Stella, ready to go for a bike ride. Just then, he received an email linking to a hilarious video of a cat playing a keyboard. While watching the video on his iPhone, Andrew absentmindedly buckled the cup, instead of his child, into the baby trailer, and then hit the road. Upon finding her daughter lying on the floor in the garage, Andrew's wife grew angry and called the authorities and a private investigator to track him down. Soon, Andrew was being pursued by several photographers in a taxi and a pudgy police officer, but instead of stopping, he just gave everyone a big thumbs-up. When he returned home, Andrew's wife gave him a different finger.

Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Tim Thomas, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Tim Thomas
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: One life vest made of lead
Key 2010-11 stat: Won a bunch of trophies or something
How Tim Thomas spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Tim woke up around 9 a.m. in a bathtub full of ice, missing a kidney, and with no memory of the past 36 hours. A note on the bathroom mirror read, "If you want to keep your other kidney, pay what you owe." Still woozy, Tim put on a T-shirt two sizes too small for him, rounded up the Stanley Cup, the Vezina Trophy and the Conn Smythe Trophy, and headed for his speedboat at the marina. Tim sped off for international waters, where he sold the trophies to a sketchy Ukrainian businessman named Yuri. He then hurried back home and paid what he owed      $450 to bloodthirsty Comcast.

Tim Thomas, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 6)

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Mark Recchi
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: Two horse apples
Key 2010-11 stat: 17 failed attempts at teaching his horse how to ice skate
Here's how Mark Recchi spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Mark rose with the sun and headed down to the stables after donning traditional Western wear: a polo shirt, cargo shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then fed his favorite horse, Cupcake, oats from the cup. After a few minutes, he got jealous and began eating oats out of the cup, as well. Mark got Cupcake saddled and punished the horse for its insolence by riding it while carrying the 33-pound cup. Cupcake, never one to suffer fools, soon began bucking, throwing Mark and the cup to the ground. Mark and the cup were then taken to the hospital by ambulance, but both recovered quickly.

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Marc Savard
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: A busted remote control with no batteries
Key 2010-11 stat: Six straight weeks curled up on the couch
Here's how Marc Savard spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Savard woke up on the couch. He grabbed the Cup and sat back on the couch. His wife made him lunch and he ate it on the couch with the Cup. He watched some TV on the couch. He watched some more TV on the couch. His wife brought him a beer and he drank it on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch, curled up with the Cup. He ate a TV dinner on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch again. He snored on the couch. (Now that's how you spend a memorable day with the Cup.)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Mike Richards, 2012-13 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Name: Mike Richards
Team: Los Angeles Kings
Position: Center
Value of card: 12 ounces of fish guts
Key 2011-12 stat: 4,412 worms hooked
Here's how Mike Richards spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Richards woke up before the sun rose, put on the standard frat boy uniform and drove to the river, with the Cup riding shotgun. He loaded the trophy into his boat, the Puck Bunny, and steered toward his favorite fishing hole. He cast into the deep blue and pulled up a fish. Then another. And another. And another. At the end of the day, with a haul of 48 bass, he headed back to the pier, where he spent two hours cleaning his bounty, tossing the guts into the Cup. He packed up and headed home, dropping the Cup off with the NHL, fish guts included.

Mike Richards, 2012-13 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 2)

Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Name: Tuuka Rask
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: 16 ounces of warm water from this spa
Key 2010-11 stat: 2,196 hours spent in a hot tub, alone
Welcome to Return of Stanley Cup Week: It's that time of year, when most of Canada and a few people in the United States focus their attention on the last few teams battling to be crowned the kings of hockey. In celebration, we here at The Bust is bringing you seven days of athletes tougher than you doing ridiculous things with an old trophy. Enjoy, eh!
Here's how Tuuka Rask celebrated his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Rask woke up at the crack of noon, grabbed the Cup and walked, naked, to his hot tub. He emptied out the Jacuzzi and filled the Cup with Winner's Cup Vodka. One Cup-full after the next, Rusk poured the vodka into the tub. When the hot tub was full, Rask jumped in and turned on the jets. Three hours later, his skin resembled a prune and he had gotten drunk through osmosis. This photo was snapped soon after, as Rask yelled, "I love America! Jump in, the vodka's fine!"

Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Name: Fred Taylor
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Position: Running back
Value of card: About the same as the value of the Pro Bowl
Key 2008 stat: Got lei'd once
It's an All-Pro edition of The Caption: "Jacksonville Jaguars running back Fred Taylor is greeted Sunday at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu by Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville, the only other being in Hawaii     including the visiting NFL players and coaches     that was aware that the Jaguars are an actual football team."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Name: Leon Washington
Team: New York Jets
Position: Running back
Value of card: One VHS copy of "Boyz n the Hood," half taped over
Key 2006 stat: Two misinterpreted middle-finger salutes
Q-U-I-Z! Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!: What's Leon Washington doing in this photo?

A) Responding to New York fans who booed him and every other Jets pick at the draft
B) Mocking future Jets coach Rex Ryan's man boobs
C) Practicing for his future career as a South African sign language interpreter
D) East siiiiiide!
E) All of the above

Leon Washington, 2006 Bowman Signs of the Future (Football Friday No. 195)

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Leyland
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: 11 cigarette butts
Key 2008 stat: 14 pet tigers that Jim Leyland kept outside his lair
Let's take a look at Jim Leyland, by the numbers: 

.330: Batting practice batting average
.606: Batting practice slugging percentage
.999: Batting practice OPS

44: Batting practice home runs
139: Batting practice RBIs
377: Batting practice total bases

Er, wait. Those were Miguel Cabrera's 2012 statistics. Here are the numbers we were looking for:

.330: Batting practice expletives-per-sentence average
.606: Batting practice tobacco ingestion average
.999: Batting practice mustache average

44: Batting practice reporter cuss-outs
139: Batting practice farts blamed on the dog
377: Batting practice jockstrap readjustments

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Name: Gale Sayers
Teams: Chicago Bears, Chicago Hippies
Position: Running back
Value of card: One broken VHS of "Brian's Song"
Key 2012 stat: Looked neither peaceful nor loving in this portrait
Catch this pop quiz: What is Gale Sayers' coat made from?

A) Peace, love and understanding
B) Big Bird's hide
C) Various spellings of the word "love"
D) Luxurious yellow shag carpeting
E) All of the above

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Name: Brian Wilson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Closer
Value of card: Price of a piece of taffy in 1962 (1 cent)
Key 2010 stat: 15 minutes of fame
Introducing ... the Backward Beard®: Many trademarked hairstyles have debuted on The Bust, but this is the first from the 2000s. In the esteemed tradition of The Hill of Hair®, The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, Brian Wilson, always looking for a place in the spotlight, debuts his 'do. His inspiration? The beard he would later grow that would catapult him to fame from San Francisco to Hollywood and onto the national stage. Wilson managed to grow a beard not on his face, but atop his head, cascading upward instead of falling downward, and looking every bit the tangled mess of the beard that Wilson would later unleash on the world. Now that's how you 'do it.

Brian Wilson, 2011 Topps Heritage

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps

Name: Taylor Buchholz
Team: Colorado Rockies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It ain't worth a buck-(holz)
Key 2007 stat: 712 games of "shadow"
It's time for another edition of ... What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was aware someone was behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware aware it was the Pirate Parrot mascot behind him: 85%
Buchholz was aware someone behind him was touching him inappropriately: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz was excited about this photo: 45%
Buchholz was embarrassed by this photo: 65%
Buccholz was reliving a decade's worth of childhood nightmares in this photo: 100%

What are the chances ...
Buchholz's relationship with Pirate Parrot was a bit "rocky": 10%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were "two birds of a feather": 90%
Buchholz and Pirate Parrot were caught in this compromising position more than once: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card was the best card of Buchholz's career: 100%
This moment was the highlight of Buchholz's career: 100%
This bird was embarrassed to no end to be caught with a pitcher of Buchholz's caliber: 100%

Taylor Buchholz, 2008 Topps