George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Name: George Seifert
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Head coach
Value of card: All the real gold that's in that jacket
Key 1990 stat: 14 early-bird specials
Some of 49ers head coach George Seifert's best plays:

• Gold 7 jacket's buttons hook
• Grey right silver fox square out
• Double pleated pants seam left 
• Solo left 6-gallon hat on three
• Red right gold left blinded by outfit on sight hut hut hike

George Seifert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 52)

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Name: Ken Norton
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the paper-and-ink gems on those paper-and-ink rings
Key 1994 stat: Zero rings worn during games
Welcome to Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week: We really hit the ball out of the park (cough, cough) last year with Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week, so, with football just around the corner, we wanted to take the drug-fueled fun to the gridiron, too. Pack those bowls and grab some buds, we're supplying you with seven days of illustrated football posts only a stoner can appreciate.
Sleep tight, Kenny: Ken Norton was deep in the depths of a dream when he imagined himself dancing among the clouds, muscles flexed, as glittering rings rained down from the heavens. Oh, it was a glorious dream. And this was the song playing:

It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Amen!
Ken's gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's raining rings! Hallelujah!
It's raining rings! Ammmmmmeeennnnn!

Ken Norton, 1995 Fleer Illustration Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 1)

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Charles Haley, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 6)

Name: Charles Haley
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive end, linebacker
Value of card: 3 cents worth of gasoline
Key 1991 stat: 420 horsepower
Top 10 places Charles Haley was heading after this photo was taken:
10) To his home to ride his hog (an actual pig) in peace.
9) To a turtleneck fashion show.
8) To a Harley-Davidson dealership to take whatever bike he wanted without paying.
7) To a race with Rick Mirer.
6) To an audition for an acting role as a 6-foot-6 Steve Urkel.
5) To deep into the blue, apparently.
4) To wherever you want, Mr. Haley. We're so sorry for asking. Please, let us polish your chopper.
3) To god knows where; he can't see anything through those glasses.
2) To your mom's house to return her jeans.
1) To anywhere but there, after driving over a Pro Line photographer.

Charles Haley, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 6)

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Name: Ricky Watters
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Running back
Value of card: Two drops of irrigation water
Key 1994 stat: Hated getting his socks wet
A matter of faith: Yep, that's Ricky Watters walking, er, make that running on water in the above illustration. Here are some other miracles the halfback performed.

• Turned orange Gatorade into wine-flavored Gatorade
• Turned a dead ball into a live ball
• Made the scales fall from a referee's eyes
• Drank all the wine-flavored Gatorade and arose three days later, albeit with cottonmouth and a headache

Ricky Watters, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 174)

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 7 ounces of fool's gold
Key 1992 stat: 25 passing touchdowns (by three Steve Youngs; that's more than eight each)
No matter the situation, Steve Young only had two responses:

Run ...
When defenders are rushing you.
When someone challenges you to a race.
When the ice-cream truck is down the street.
When someone flashes a golden bulge at you.

Gun ...
When you're hunting deer.
When you're defending your family from masked robbers.
When you bump into Raiders fans in a dark alley.
When someone puts an ampersand hat on your head.

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Name: Tom "Psycho" Rathman
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Fullback
Fright value of card: Zero cents, zero sense
Key 1993 splat: 32 seconds to change into costume and apply makeup
It's time for an oh-so-scary pop quiz:

What's the most frightening thing about this card?

(A) The utter lack of imagination that went into this costume.
(B) The helmet brain on what appears to be a zombie, which means "Psycho" would try to eat his own head.
(C) The flawed logic of B.
(D) The rainbow-themed scarf and wristbands. (Oh, you said "frightening"? We thought you said "fab-u-lous."
(E) Baby hand! Ahh!
(F) We'd say "all of the above" like usual, but it's E. Definitely E. Ahhhhhh!

Tom Rathman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 2)

Steve Young, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 137)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Less than the cloud above Mr. Young
Key 1996 stat: Way too happy
It's a Pop Warner quiz: What's No. 8 doing in this photo?

A) Exhibiting the symptoms of his latest concussion
B) Being deranged and trying to assault the cameraman with a poison-tipped football
C) Trying desperately to get out of this terrible card
D) Trying desperately to get out of Joe Montana's shadow
E) C and D

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Steve Young, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 137)

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Greatest quarterback of all time
Value of card: Phlegm caught inside a mouth guard
Key 1988 stat: 816 passes completed with pinky sticking out like he was at an English tea party
Let's put our hands together: Now this is something else. What an accomplishment. C'mon people, let us join together and salute the fine folks at ... uh ... uh ... there's not even a company listed on this god-foresaken card. It says "Living Legend" in comic sans on the back, which might somehow be a step up from the front, but it doesn't list the fourth-graders responsible for unleashing such a fit of failure upon the masses. The nameplate looks like it was typed on a 1986 label-maker. And the border is blue. Blue! This was, no doubt, a one-card set. Didn't these geniuses think that red or gold would be a better choice? Oh, sorry. They must have been too busy not putting any effort into a "Living Legend" that was dead on delivery.

Joe Montana, 1989 Living Legend (Football Friday No. 130)

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 1,000 nothings
Key 1987 stat: 1,000 something
Let's take a look at Jerry Rice, by the numbers:

1,000: Yards receiving
1,000: Dollars spent on helmet visors
1,000: Card insert designs better than this one
1,000: Children who could have come up with a more sophisticated idea
1,000: Seconds put into this card's border illustration
1,000: Reasons never to buy a pack of 1988 Topps football cards

Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps 1000 Yard Club (Football Friday No. 128)

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounder (Football Friday No. 127)

Name: Bryant Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: 66 pounds of leftover gold leaf
Key 1993 stat: 749 lasers dodged
San Francisco 49ers' scouting report on "first-rounder" Bryant Young: "Says here we drafted this kid solely based on his thighs; smart move. ... Plus: He has the ability to float. ... We can have him stretch out all our players' little girl short-shorts. ... For some reason, I can see Young wearing a gold-leaf helmet that says '94 Fleer Ultra.' ... We'll need to buy a few hundred pencils so this kid can write in his mustache. ... Someone will need to rescue him from 'Tron' world before the season. ... Anyone tell him he needs to wear cleats, not basketball shoes? ... This kid's biggest quality: With that aura around him, he's apparently a celestial being. ... Yeah, nothing like the convergence of sweat stains, skintight shorts and bulge."

Bryant Young, 1994 Fleer Ultra First Rounder (Football Friday No. 127)

Dana Stubblefield, 1994 Playoff Sack Pack (Football Friday No. 116)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: A sack of penny slugs
Key 1993 stat: One sack, two huevos
Here's who else made up the Sack Pack, along with Dana Stubblefield:

• Lawrence Taylor
• Another superior athlete on a constant cocaine binge
• An actual sack of potatoes
• A pot dealer from Northern California's Emerald Triangle
• Bruce Smith
• Another superior athlete with great legs
• Bruce Smith, taking time off from his other sack group, Sack Attack
• Johnny Sack
• The bagger at the grocery store down the street
• Steve Sax
• A scrotum

Dana Stubblefield, 1994 Playoff Sack Pack (Football Friday No. 116)

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Steve Young, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 107)

Name: Steve Young
Team: Buccaneers NOW WITH 49ERS
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 buccs
Key 1986 stat: 688 holes in jersey
Man, Steve Young looks young in this photo. Just how young was he?

• He's still sporting the Garbage Pail Kids haircut his mom let him choose.
• He's playing for the Salt Lake City High School Buccaneers, a team that won 186 more games than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the 1980s.
• He's still learning how to control the mutant fingers on his right hand.
• He gets to wear his age for every game. Next season, he's big No. 9. Hooray, Stevie.
• That's not a towel hanging from his waist; it's his blankie.

Steve Young, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 107)

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)

Score: Rice 8, Breech 1

Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?

Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: The Greatest Quarterback Ever
Value of card: The original painting sold for 11 cents in 1996. So, less than the original painting
Key 1990 stat: One state renamed for a quarterback
Behind the Numbers: We here at The Bust spent hours painstakingly counting the dots used to make this vomit-inducing awe-inspiring painting of Joe Montana. The total: 46,312.

Other times Joe Montana reached 46,312:

• Montana residents with Joe Montana tattoos.
• Struggling painters who tried to use Joe Montana to make a buck (including card above).
• Connections made with Jerry Rice, and that was only when the two were hitting the club.
• SEGA checks cashed. 
• Times scored (including card above).

Joe Montana, 1991 Score Team MVP (Football Friday No. 89)

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Names: Jerry Rice, Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Positions: Wide receiver, quarterback, Hall of Famers

Value of card: Two grains of rice in the Montana back country

Key 1989 stat: One word, "Superbowl," which, of course, is two words, which is embarrassing for Fleer

A legendary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Tie)

Round 2: History of dominating without equal at chosen position (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Command of disarming charm that works the world over (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Perfect IQ score, achieved without looking at questions (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Endowment of superhero powers of mind and muscle (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Ability to walk on water (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Status as omnipotent being (Winner: Tie)

Score: Rice 0, Montana 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: For the first time in their Earth-bound lives, Rice and Montana don't score. But how could they? They knew they were competing against each other, and chose to let the Ties get the seven points.

Jerry Rice and Joe Montana, 1990 Fleer Super Bowl MVPs (Football Friday No. 81)

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Name: Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: 2 cents

Key 1989 stat: Two fingers raised at all times

10 things Montana could have been yelling when this photo was taken:

10) "Let's go! I got my hand between two gluteal folds over here!"

9) "How many wristbands am I wearing? How many?"

8) "Hey, what's my jersey number minus 14? C'mon. Goddamn defensive linemen!"

7) "This many times with your sister, Jerry! This many times with your sister!"

6) "And we will go forth and conquer! V for valor! V for vigor! V for victory!"

5) "Whoa, bro. Peace, man!"

4) "Twice you put Icy Hot on my jockstrap! Twice!"

3) "No, no no! I said it stands for what your wife showed me!"

2) "Two hearts, believing in just one mind!"

1) "Utah! Get Montana two!"

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Three used athletic supporters
Key 1990 stat: One flawless motion
Stop us if you've heard this one:
Q: How many Joe Montanas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows, because Montana always played lights-out.

Joe Montana, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 73)