Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Name: Jimmy Sexton
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: Knowing that you will never wear something this hideous
Key 1980 stat: Wore something this hideous
The 1980 Tucson Toros uniforms, from A to Z:

Astros, the Toros' parent team at the time, deserved to lose 106 games for this atrocity
Blinded opponents hit just .227 against Tucson that year
Couldn't squeeze more warm colors on here if they tried
Diagonal stripes      always a good idea
Elastic waistbands made for an easy fit
Fifty-two fashion designers had embolisms after seeing this card
Gaudy doesn't even begin to cover it
Hundred-degree days must have been pleasant under all that polyester
Is that top made out of felt?
Just enough taupe to make you Google "taupe"
Kodak moment: Thank heaven we have photographic evidence of this uniform
Logo appears to be a bastardized Texas Tech ripoff
More than enough burnt orange to draw an arson investigation
No baseball player enjoys dressing like a woman. Well, at least not on the field.
Off-topic: Either he's being casual, or Jimmy Sexton's fingers are five times longer than the average human's
Players actually begged to be demoted to double-A
Quitting baseball was a viable option after these eye-sores were unveiled
Really bold use of mustard yellow on those "jerseys"
Sexton's face says it all
Tucson lost its baseball team for a few years, and this is probably why
Understandably, fans only watched the Toros' games on black-and-white TVs.
Vertical stripes on pants? At this point, is anyone going to notice?
Wizard's sleeves: not just a euphemism for a worn-out female reproductive whose-e-whatsis
X-rated? Maybe not, but I still wouldn't show this picture to kids
You know, if you have to wear this, you might as well wear the pants up to your rib cage
Zero chance Jimmy was going to get any Sexton in this get-up

Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Ed Olwine

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Two scalps (mascot said so)

Key 1988 stat: One brave fashion statement

Ed Olwine, from A to Z:

A - Attention: Computer programmer snuck into dugout. Please get him. Thank you.

B - Brave? Nothing about him says that.

C - Contact lenses aren't made that thick.

D - Dork, dweeb, doofus.

E - Eyes closed to block out career.

F - Face windshields? Check.

G - "Gosh, lady. Ha-huh. I ain't never been with a woman before. Ha-huh."

H - How was this considered a professional athlete?

I - Incinerated bugs with sunlight through glasses.

J - Just met Bill Gates, needs new underwear.

K - Kids still bully him.

L - Looks like Tom Henke.

M - Might be connected to wires behind him.

N - Never met a video game console he didn't like.

O - Over-under on sexual partners in lifetime: one.

P - Pointy chin can cut glass.

Q - Quiet except when someone brings up "Battlestar Galactica."

R - "Revenge of the Nerds" extra.

S - Snaggletooth was one of his better features.

T - Tomahawk in his pants or happy to see her? Tomahawk in his pants.

U - Under that hat, more glasses.

V - VIP at "Dungeons and Dragons" tournament in Tommy Frederick's mom's basement.

W - "Wussy" defined his existence.

X - XIV-centimeter lenses, in Roman numerals.

Y - Youth spent getting hit by bullies' rocks.

Z - Zeal for astrophysics riddles about "D&D."

Ed Olwine, 1989 Upper Deck

Jeff Leonard, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeffrey Leonard
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Less than one star
Key 1984 stat: Refused to wear team-issued clothing
When flash photography goes wrong: We were going to make our typical brand of jokes about Jeff Leonard, his nondescript clothing, his backward hat, and (as usual) his mustache, but we've been partially blinded by the light reflecting off his forehead. Just because this is an all-star card, doesn't mean it needs to have a light source comparable to sun, Topps!

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp

Jeff Leonard, 1985 Topps

Jorge Fabregas, 1992 Bowman

Name: Jorge Fabregas
Team: Some California Angels minor league affiliate or other
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One stained shirt
Key 1991 stat: 25 stripes
Jorge Fabregas, from A to Z:

A: Appears to have some sort of odd neck rash
B: Backup backstop
C: Collar should definitely be popped to complete this look
D: Despite being a catcher, he never really caught on, if you know what we mean
E: Eight teams in eight pro seasons. That's what we mean
F: "Fabregas" is Spanish for mediocre
G: Got this polo shirt for 25 percent off at Ross!
H: Horizontal stripes not nearly as slimming as pinstripes
I: In case you were wondering, Jorge Fabregas is an anagram of Garage Job Serf
J: "Jorge" is Spanish for "Batting ninth"
K: Knocked in all of 211 runs in his career
L: Lock up your daughters; this guy's a looker
M: Made playoffs with Atlanta in 1999 — and managed to go 0-for-3
N: Never could hit a curveball. Or a fastball. Or a Wiffle Ball
O: Overcame case of bed sores
P: Pink and purple look good on this guy
Q: Quilted Charmin not softer than Jorge's cheeks
R: Ray Romano sure looks young in this photo
S: Should probably button up a couple more of those buttons
T: Thousands of dollars in orthodontic work helped create that grin
U: Uniforms are for suckers
V: Voted "Cutest Dimples" during rookie year
W: Winning smile. Talent was not so winning
X: Xylophone — one of the hobbies he took up during his endless hours in the dugout
Y: Yearbook photo on a baseball card?
Z: Zack Morris would be proud of this attire

Jorge Fabregas, 1992 Bowman

Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

Name: Ed Lynch
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Sorrow
Key 1986 stat: 37 neck wrinkles
The ABCs of Ed Lynch:
A) Acres of chin
B) Blue — not just the color of his V-neck jersey
C) Chicago's saddest man
D) Didn't miss many bats — only 58 K's in 101 innings pitched
E) Expandable throat allowed him to swallow his food whole
F) Facial expression sums up Cubs baseball over the past century
G) Gloomy Gus
H) His heater was more like a lukewarm breeze
I) Irrigation canals on face
J) Jawline nonexistent
K) Knee injury in 1986 not nearly as painful as his broken heart
L) Last year in big leagues was 1987
M) Maybe it should have been 1985, judging by the stats
N) Never learned how to laugh
O) Overactive jowl gland
P) Prune-neck
Q) Quietly wept in the dugout
R) Runners would get hypnotized trying to count his chin folds
S) Squinty
T) Traded by the Mets before they won the World Series. Explains some of the melancholy.
U) Undershirt clearly visible
V) Velvety-smooth skin flaps
W) Wood-grain border on card inspired at least one mediocre humor site
X) X marks the spot — Lynch's neck rolls hold buried treasure
Y) Youth long forgotten
Z) Zero haircuts in previous six months

Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps

George Foster, 1986 Topps

Name: George Foster
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One night out with the Rat Pack
Key 1985 stat: 28,302 times called "The Candyman"
George Foster, aka Sammy Davis Jr., A to Z:
A - Ass that won't quit
B - Bulge that won't quit
C - Captivated audiences worldwide
D - Dean Martin kept confusing him with Mookie Wilson
E - Everyone loves a man in Ray-Bans
F - First-rate entertainer and outfielder
G - Glass eye didn't stop him from hitting 52 homers in 1977
H - Handlebar mustache had all the ladies swooning
I - "I'm a short, ugly, one-eyed, black Jew." — Sammy Davis Jr.
J - Joey Bishop envied Foster's on-base percentage almost as much as his stage presence
K - Keith Hernandez always asked him to sing "Mr. Bojangles"
L - Lit up cigarettes in left field, just because he was that smooth
M - Mookie Wilson kept confusing him with Dean Martin
N - New York's favorite crooning slugger
O - Once fought Frank Sinatra in a Shea Stadium parking lot
P - Power numbers not as impressive as his tap dancing
Q - Qualified in fantasy leagues at outfield and troubadour
R - Roasted by teammates, then went home and cried like a little girl
S - Swinger, in more ways than one
T - "Top Gun" sunglasses
U - Usually entertained teammates with a little soft-shoe during fielding practice
V - Vegas took him in when Cooperstown wouldn't
W - Wiry thin, except from the waist down
X - Xylophonist extraordinaire
Y - Youngest man to ever win a Grammy and Silver Slugger award in same year
Z - Zero: Number of times he removed his aviators

George Foster, 1986 Topps

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Name: Shawn Abner
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One copy, "A Meathead's Guide to Mullets" by Abner, Shawn
Key 1991 stat: Zero times not fired up
The ABCs of Shawn Abner:
A - Angel in the outfield
B - Blurry glove
C - Career .227 hitter
D - Dark, beady eyes
E - Eternally benched
F - Flowing hairdo
G - Grounded into double play — constantly
H - Hat askew
I - INTENSITY!!!
J - Jock strap too tight, thus causing added intensity
K - K's, as in strikeouts — and lots of 'em
L - Look of death
M - Mullet perm
N - Nobody remembers Shawn Abner
O - "Over here! Throw me the ball!"
P - Performance-enhancing drugs: Never took 'em, never played like he did
Q - Quick-moving left hand made him hard to photograph
R - Rheumatoid arthritis — the only explanation for Abner's batting average
S - Six underwhelming major league seasons
T - "Throw me the freakin' ball!"
U - Unnecessarily large forearms
V - Vein throbbing in forehead
W - "Why won't you throw me the FREAKIN' BALL?!"
X - Xenophobia (fear of strangers) could explain why he rarely left the batter's box
Y - "Yes, Mr. Abner, you've been sent back to the minors. Again."
Z - Zero fans

Shawn Abner, 1992 Topps

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Cecil Fielder

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 2 pounds of bird seed

Key 1991 stat: Seven lawn chairs snapped

The ABCs of this card:

A - Animal attraction

B - Baseball, not flirting

C - Chicken says, "Nothing fowl about me."

D - Detroit, a city where laws of love are broken

E - Eggs, promised as part of breakfast in bed

F - Feathers, for tickling

G - "Get your hand off my knee."

H - "How come you don't like me?"

I - "It's a matter of taste."

J - "Just like chicken, of course."

K - Keister, comfortable in a lawn chair

L - Look of longing from the Chicken

M - Mustache, for tickling

N - Never mind cultural decorum

O - On my knees, at your service

P - Pillow talk: cluck, cluck, cluck

Q - Questions of decency arise

R - Right here, right now

S - Suggestive water bottle placement

T - Tiger in the sack, according to rumors

U - Undressing from uniforms and feathers

V - Vulgar sweet nothings, whispered in ears

W - "White meat for you, dark meat for me."

X - X-rated

Y - You can't explain lust

Z - Zoophilia

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck