Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ozzie Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A replica penny
Key 1990 stat: One walk
Ways in which people could determine Ozzie from his twin brother Jose:

• Ozzie was the smart one
• Jose was the one with the back-ne
• Ozzie was the one who showered
• Jose was the one who thought Big Mac actually owned McDonald's
• Ozzie was the one in the minors
• Jose was the one who shot off his own finger

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Ozzie Canseco, 1991 Upper Deck

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Eric Show
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One used G string
Key 1990 stat: Mastered the art of seduction
Music and mullets: Major League hurler Eric Show also knew his way around a guitar. Here are a few songs he penned.

•  "White Pants Blues"
• "Hammock of Love"
• "That Old Curly Mullet Magic"
• "Those Aren't Blood Stains on My Patio"
• "Check Out My Big-Bodied, Long-Necked Beauty      and My Guitar"

 Card submitted by Brian Blaine

Eric Show, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's clear it's worth nothing
Key 1972 stat: 2,216 photos of Jackson in 1972 better than this one
It's time for The Caption, which we know didn't run in the Oakland Tribune in the early 1970s: "Reggie Jackson, center, might be throwing a ball from the outfield at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in a game against the Chicago White Sox, but because the photo is so blurry we're not even sure this was against the White Sox, or even that it was taken during a baseball game, or, for that matter, whether it's really Jackson, on Tuesday in Oakland, maybe."

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals and Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two soiled clip-on bow ties and matching pocket squares
Key 1991 stat: One fake fight

Brock and Henderson, by the numbers:

938: Career stolen bases by Lou Brock, a record until May 1, 1991
939: New stolen-base mark, set by Rickey Henderson on May 1, 1991
940: Times Rickey referred to himself in the third person on May 1, 1991

335: Times Rickey Henderson was caught stealing, an MLB record
307: Times Lou Brock was caught stealing, second all-time
302: Times Rickey was caught checking himself out in the mirror before this photo shoot

2: Rented tuxedos in the above photo
2: Bow ties and pocket squares from a high school drama department in the above photo
1: Record-setting thief who would "forget" to return his outfit after the shoot. Hey, Rickey be Rickey.

Lou Brock and Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces

Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you

Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:

• Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
• J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
• Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
• Ray May, who was always to the point
• And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Honeycutt
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: This card's future is so bright, you've got to wear shades
Key 1989 stat: Zero times laughed after being called "B.J. Hunnicutt"
Assorted autographs from A's reliever Rick Honeycutt:

• "Jimmy: I'm totally checking your mom out from beneath my shades. You need a step-dad?"
• "Steph: Yes, I do think I'm better than you. Thanks for asking."
• "To Matthew: Thanks for supporting the team. I'm keeping this pen."
• "Bobby, yes, I know I can't hold Eck's jock. Why would I want to, you little freak?"
• "Sarah: No, I can't tell you why this photographer is kneeling in front of me. Ask your mother      I'm totally checking her out, too."

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rolls of overexposed Fuji film
Key 1990 stat: Zero photos that made the front page
Dave Stewart was an accomplished amateur photographer; here are some of his greatest shots:

• A nearly nude portrait of his friend and third-person speaker extraordinaire Rickey Henderson.
• A shot of teammate Mark McGwire posing as a lumberjack.
• An artistic triptych of Jose Canseco admiring a pop fly to left.
• A seething, beautiful shot that's totally not too close to the face of catcher Ron Hassey.
• A no-nonsense look at closer Dennis Eckersley and his Hall of Fame mullet and mustache.
• An adorable self-portrait. Awwwwwwwww.

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Name: Rob Picciolo
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: It's worth more crumpled up and used for kindling
Key 1978 stat: 440 hours practicing on the piccolo
So, just what does Rob Picciolo stand for:

Rain, his biggest fear
Overhead, a storm is coming; inside him, a storm already rages
Blue-and-violet sky sends shivers up his spine

Perhaps he was struck by lightning; perhaps, it was bird poop
Intimidating skies above frighten him
Clouds, onerous clouds, have been known to make him weep
Curls of his hair even seem to run from the approaching weather
Inside his soul, a young boy — with a mustache — is frightened by the thunder
Others mock him about his fear; others, such as his mother and father
Lightning, thunder, rain, sleet, snow, hail. His nightmares are only of these things
Oh, lord, Rob. Run! It's starting to drizzle!

Rob Picciolo, 1979 Topps

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A lump of ear wax
Key 1990 stat: Never actually struck by lightning
Fun facts about slugger Jose Canseco and lightning:

• Lightning is seen as a bright flash, often coming down toward Earth. Canseco is neither bright nor down-to-earth.
• Worldwide, lightning occurs about 40 to 50 times a second. Canseco turns the light switch on and off 40 to 50 times a minute for his own entertainment.
• Fear of lightning is called "astraphobia." Change "tra" to "swipe" and you have the word for the fear of Jose Canseco.
• Lightning strikes can cause, among other things, burns to humans. Jose Canseco has burned most of the people he's known.
• Lightning creates ozone, which carries a distinct, metallic smell. Canseco also carries a distinct smell, similar to hair gel mixed with Chef Boyardee-brand ravioli.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Names: Brian Asselstine, Wayne Gross, Sam Mejias, Alvis Woods
Teams: Braves, A's, Expos, Blue Jays, respectively
Positions: Outfield, all of 'em
Value of card: 1 cent for each player
Key 1976 stat: Hold on. We're still looking. OK, let's just go with "four"
It's time for a four-way edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Last name with an expletive in it (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 2: Last name that's grosser than that expletive (Winner: Gross)
Round 3: Subject of most blown-out and unprofessional photo (Winner: Woods)
Round 4: Most lopsided afro (Winner: Mejias)
Round 5: Angriest black man (Winner: Woods)
Round 6: Angriest Latino (Winner: Mejias)
Round 7: Angriest white dude (Winner: Woods)
Round 8: Most jagged, twisting mullet (Winner: Asselstine)
Round 9: Inclusion on a terrible 1970s baseball card (Winner: All)

Score: Asselstine 2, Gross 2, Mejias 2, Woods 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: After eight equally matched rounds and four equally unremarkable careers, these four fine athletes ended up tied for first and tied together forever on this poor excuse for a bingo card.

Outfield rookies, 1977 Topps

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Farm League A's
Position: On one knee
Value of card: Awkwardness
Key 1992 1974 or so stat: Wore a glove made out of balsa wood
Ah, memories: Who does Mark McGwire look like in this charming photo?

A) Napoleon Dynamite
B) Mark McGwire's spinster aunt, Frances McGwire
C) That kid who had an asthma attack after getting wedgied in middle school (yeah, OK, that was us)
D) The most juiced-up 8-year-old in all of California
E) Somebody who would once hit 70 home runs in a season. In Nintendo R.B.I. Baseball, that is.

Mark McGwire, 1993 Donruss Triple Play Little Hotshots

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Half-naked outfielder
Value of card: $1.99/minute (must be 18 or older)
Key 1991 stat: Zero hits from a sitting position
We'll be giving you nightmares all week: The Score Dream Team sets of the early 1990s contained some of the most awkward, misdirected and erotic shots ever featured on cardboard. Sounds like a perfect fit for The Bust. Let's get started, shall we?
It worked so well the first time: We could point out that there's a good chance this boudoir shot of Rickey be Rickey was taken from the previous year's photo shoot. Or, we could analyze the dream presented here. Let's see, the stacked bases likely represent the mounting responsibilities you find yourself facing. Rickey's flat top means that you believe you will need to keep a level head to deal with these tasks. The Louisville Slugger signifies, erm, your desire to go to Louisville? Yeah, that's it. And Rickey's near-nudity? I don't know, but maybe you should stop watching so much Cinemax right before bed, buddy.

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 1)

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Name: Jeff Jones
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three pieces of fake cheese from mousetraps with dead mice in them
Key 1984 stat: 26 pounds of yellow jerseys in wardrobe
Jeff Jones was a great student; here are some of the things he got A's in:

• Sleeping upright 101
• Pitching without a ball (lab)
• Beginner's cloud floating
• Fashion merchandising
• Cannabis sativa studies
• Mustaches for the modern caveman: An in-depth look
• Butt chin theory
• Upper-division unkempt hair
• Duhhhh photography II
• Advanced unibrow

Jeff Jones, 1985 Topps

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Browne
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Infield
Value of card: 12 dead ants
Key 1992 stat: 487 fright-filled screams
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Oakland Tribune in 1992: "Jerry Browne, right, who wasn't the past and future governor of California, recoils in fear from an earwig 11 feet from him in the infield grass, while a Red Sox player nearly collapses in laughter and 32,000 fans in the stands make baby-crying sounds and incessantly mock the middle infielder who's afflicted with entomo-aviatophobia — to the lay person, a fear of bugs and things that fly through the air, which, by looking at Browne's career statistics, would include baseballs thrown to a batter."

Jerry Browne, 1993 Upper Deck

Ruben Sierra, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Ruben Sierra
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 19 paint chips
Key 1993 stat: 412 Puerto Rican slums owned
So, what makes this Diamond Kings card so horrendous? After years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years and years of similar Diamond Kings cards, Donruss changed it up in 1994. They sent out mailers to thousands of children promoting a contest with a coveted prize that set the collecting word afire: paint Ruben Sierra by the numbers and win Sierra's faux-gold jewelry. One kid told one friend, and that kid told two friends, and they told four friends, and they told eight friends, and so and so on, until 12,342,876 children entered the contest by painting Sierra by the numbers and sending in their work. Donruss was overwhelmed by the entries, so they did what any respectable card company would do: They picked the first one they saw despite what it looked like, slapped on a fake signature and shipped it to the printer.

Ruben Sierra, 1994 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 3)