Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Name: Jim Abbott
Team: California Angels
Positions: Pitcher, babysitter
Value of card: One worthless autograph
Key 1992 stat: 1,952 children insulted
Top 10 most incredible things about this card:

10) Jim Abbott's utter disdain for all the children around him
9) That red-headed kid's shirt
8) That red-headed kid's haircut
7) That kid in the foreground's haircut
6) The dude in the sunglasses
5) Seriously, who is that guy?
4) The fact that Upper Deck thought Jim Abbott's name was Checklist
3) Jim Abbott's mullet
2) Jim Abbott's mullet
1) Jim Abbott's freaking mullet

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Name: Jim Abbott

Teams: California Angels, University of Michigan Academic Decathlon C Team

Positions: Pitcher, Geography major

Value of card: VG+

Key 1991 stat: Three A's, two B's

A study in studying: Tack board? Check. 1989 Macintosh II? Check. Focused look? Check. Pin-up of hermaphrodite? Check. Jim Abbott was serious about studying, and he had all the tools to make him successful in the classroom and on the diamond.

Nothing fake about staying in school: Abbott had a lot on his plate when he pretended to go back to the University of Michigan for an ill-conceived insert series for Upper Deck's 1992 set. He had to simulate living in a fake dorm room. He had to attend imaginary classes held in imaginary classrooms. He had to eat nonexistent food at a cafeteria that never existed. He had to stare at a blank screen as if he were studying and pretend to type. Despite this schedule, Abbott found time to grow and maintain a pristine mullet, for real.

Fun fact No. 1: Abbott proved to be a good actor. He quickly picked up the college student habit of typing with one hand.

Fun fact No. 2: Paramedics had to revive Abbott after his mock turtleneck sweatshirt cut off the circulation to his brain.

Jim Abbott, 1992 Upper Deck Be Cool Stay In School

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Name: Jim Abbott
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two. That's all, just two.
Key 1992 stat: One inappropriately placed microphone
Double or nothing on this quiz: Other than hands, what does Jim Abbott want two of?
A) Tacos
B) Girls, but just one cup
C) Tickets to paradise
D) Hours (OK, minutes) with Chuck Finley's smokin' hot wife
E) All of the above
F) None of the above. He just desperately wants two hands.

Jim Abbott, 1993 Upper Deck Community Heroes

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names, from left: Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Positions: Pitcher
Value of card: Four red shoes, two gray shoes
Key 1992 stat: One triple pitch
Party of three for — The Matchup:

Round 1: Best mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Hands (Winners: Langston and Finley)
Round 3: Sternness (Winner: Abbott)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Langston)
Round 5: Smokin' hot ex-wife (Winner: Finley)
Round 6: Jauntiness (Winner: Finley)
Round 7: Ability to overcome adversity (Winner: Abbott)
Round 8: Hands, again (Winners: Langston and Finley)

Score: Finley 4, Langston 3, Abbott 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, they have the same haircut, but in the battle of "Lethal Lefties," Chuck Finley outmullets the competition — to death.

Mark Langston, Jim Abbott, Chuck Finley, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Jim Abbott, Taz, 1993 Upper Deck Looney Tunes

Names: Jim Abbott, Taz

Teams: California Angels, The World Umpires Association

Positions: Ace, umpire

Value of card: Two doodles of genitalia

Key 1992 stat: One nonsensical headline

It's time for The Matchup:

Round 1: Calm temperament (Winner: Abbott)

Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Abbott)

Round 3: Number of hands (Winner: Taz)

Round 4: Double chin (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Facial hair (Winner: Taz)

Round 6: Looniness (Winner: Taz)

Round 7: Beer gut (Winner: Taz)

Score: Taz 4, Abbott 2 (Ties, 1)

Synopsis: After staking an early lead, Abbott falls in integral categories "facial hair" and "beer gut," meaning Taz wins, hands down.

Jim Abbott, Taz, 1993 Upper Deck Looney Tunes