Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Names: Jimmy Palmer, Jim Palmer
Teams: Harrison Public School Aquanauts, Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Boy, ace
Value of card: One inner tube with a hole in it
Key 1972 stat: Two balks
Fun facts about Jimmy Palmer, circa 1954, and Jim Palmer, circa 1972:

• In 1954, Jimmy had a well-maintained, respectable haircut. In 1972, Jim had more hair than a chow chow on Rogaine.
•  In 1954, Jimmy liked to go for a swim down at the local watering hole. In 1972, Jim liked to go for a drink down at the local watering hole.
• In 1954, Jimmy wore a rubber inner tube for safety. In 1972, Jim usually didn't bother wearing rubbers for safety.
• In 1954, Jimmy occasionally posed shirtless for photos. A little after 1972, Jim started wearing even less.

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Jim Palmer, 1973 Topps Boyhood Photos of the Stars

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers (Yeah, we get it.)
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 cow patties
Key 1990 stat: 12 bucking broncos hogtied (or something)
It's time for a pop quiz deep in the heart of Texas:

What exactly is the "Texas Cowboy Life"?

(A) It's like the "Dallas Cowboy Life," only more successful and less comical.
(B) You hang out on a ranch and every so often punch a rookie in the head a half-dozen times.
(C) You pose for a ridiculous set of baseball cards for a company trying to stave off bankruptcy.
(D) Two words: assless chaps.
(E) All of the above.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Name: Jack Morris
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Ace
Value of card: An avocado pit
Key 1981 stat: Zero non-grainy photos taken of him
Wow, what a card: Let's take a moment to thank Fleer for this fine card. The effort and hard work that must have gone into such a fine representation of such a stellar pitcher is mind-blowing. Just think of the countless hours the photographer invested to capture such an important moment. It's not just the artistic acumen required to present Morris in a grainy, out-of-focus image, it's the foresight to picture him not during a game, but throwing in front of a chain-link fence, apparently in a prison yard in southern Michigan. So bravo, Fleer executives, you've outdone yourselves once again.

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Name: Pete Vuckovich
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher, swamp cooler repairman
Value of card: One copy of "Major League" on VHS (with no VCR to play it)
Key 1983 stat: Enough hair to clothe a third-world country
The joke's on us: Dear readers (yes, all eight of you), we owe you an apology. It has come to our attention that early in our run of mediocrity, we passed on to you some bad information. You see, Pete Vuckovich here was featured on the second card we ever posted on this site, and the story that accompanied it, it turns out, was blatantly false. Pete was never a swamp cooler repairman; in fact, his major league career lasted 11 season and he even won the Cy Young! That'll teach us to believe everything we hear from Bob Uecker.

Pete Vuckovich, 1984 Topps

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Greg Maddux
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: Paint on your carpet
Key 1994 stat: One foot much smaller than the other, apparently
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: A sullen and stranded Greg Maddux waits for rescue while sitting atop a giant dirt clod rising from the ocean at the very edge of the earth. Too depressed to feed himself by trying to grab the fish jumping just inches away from him, Maddux is unaware that he is about to be pummeled by a hailstorm of baseballs as two ships shaped like gigantic Cy Young trophies sail right past him.

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Name: Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Ace
Value of card: "When I was your age, a pack of baseball cards cost a nickel."
Key 1983 stat: 18 bunions
It's time for a pop quiz from the senior home:

What's Gaylord Perry pointing at?

(A) One of 721 big-league players younger than him.
(B) A photographer who could have worked a bit harder for a better shot.
(C) A producer of "Major League" looking to research the role of Eddie Harris.
(D) Some chump reading a mediocre sports card blog.
(E) All of the above.

Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 rolls of overexposed Fuji film
Key 1990 stat: Zero photos that made the front page
Dave Stewart was an accomplished amateur photographer; here are some of his greatest shots:

• A nearly nude portrait of his friend and third-person speaker extraordinaire Rickey Henderson.
• A shot of teammate Mark McGwire posing as a lumberjack.
• An artistic triptych of Jose Canseco admiring a pop fly to left.
• A seething, beautiful shot that's totally not too close to the face of catcher Ron Hassey.
• A no-nonsense look at closer Dennis Eckersley and his Hall of Fame mullet and mustache.
• An adorable self-portrait. Awwwwwwwww.

Dave Stewart, 1991 Upper Deck

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Mike Mussina
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three blood-stained feathers
Key 1994 stat: 12 drugs taken before painting a portrait
WARNING! A few warnings about this card:

• WARNING: Lava in the shape of a stoned crow will threaten Mike Mussina.
• WARNING: Skin will start to fall off all Orioles pitchers' arms.
• WARNING: A sea of water and baseballs opens up below the pitcher's mound.
• WARNING: An athletic pitcher will develop a massive beer gut in this illustration.
• WARNING: Baseball field has morphed into a national park.
• WARNING: Giant alien's leg has mysteriously entered the card.
• WARNING: Stenciled street signs depict giant flaming baseballs hitting black-and-orange birds.

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 teeth broken with a hammer
Key 1995 stat: 54 threats to photographer demanding this card be ripped to shreds
10 reasons Roger Clemens is a jerk:
10) Just look at this guy.
9) He worked at a soda stand.
8) He's not; the turtleneck is squeezing his neck so tight it's just making him look like one.
7) He ate the photographer shortly after this picture was taken.
6) He looked at your sister that way.
5) Ask Mike Piazza.
4) He stole that turtleneck from Hall of Fame pitcher Warren Spahn.
3) He strangled that poor ball to death.
2) He chewed out his dentist — with his teeth!
1) He was asked to smile politely before this photo was taken.

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Coupon for $4.95 off a tuxedo rental at The Men's Wearhouse
Key 1990 stat: 12 balls thrown directly at camera during photo shoot
10 things you didn't know about Nolan Ryan's date to the black-tie-only senior ball:
10) She wore a lovely dress and the same cleats as Ryan.
9) She and Ryan shared their Skoal.
8) She enjoyed dances in Sears portrait studios, so she had a great time.
7) She brought a bat and had to use it at Lookout Point.
6) She was 63, too.
5) Turns out, she couldn't dance well after catching a heater in the ear hole.
4) She stopped Ryan before he got to first base.
3) "She" was a glove with a lot of glove oil.
2) He rode her onto the dance floor on a saddle (and she wore horseshoes).
1) It was Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Even trade for a 1990 Sears catalog
Key 1990 stat: 12,981 jokes by teammates about his first name
Conversation between Orel Hershiser and a Topps Stadium Club photographer, circa 1990:
Topps Stadium Club photographer: "Hey, Orel. Nice to meet you."
Orel Hershiser: "Hi! I'm so excited for this shoot."
TSCP: "Apparently. You brought props?"
OH: "Sure did. Can we start?"
TSCP: "Uh, sure. OK, get comfortable."
OH: "How's this look?"
TSCP: "I think you can lose the mortarboard."
OH: "Really? OK, how about this?"
TSCP: "Um, you should take off the cheap robe."
OH: "Bummer. OK, how do I look now?"
TSCP: "No need for a fake diploma, Orel."
OH: "But how will my relatives know I'm graduating high school?"
TSCP: "Orel, buddy. This is a baseball card shoot, not a chance to take high school graduation photos."
OH: "Stop killing my dreams. How does this hand-on-chin pose look?"
TSCP: "That's fine, Orel. That's just fine. Big smile. One, two, three, cheese."
OH: "Cheeeeeessssseeeee!"

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, Texas Beefmaster
Value of card: A cowpie
Key 1990 stat: Zero beef mastered
Nolan Ryan's online dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: TexasBeefmaster01
Age: 13 (in horse years)
Height: 6'10" (with my boots and hat on)
Weight: 170 (without my boots and hat on)
Hair color: Brindle
Hair style: Covered
Ethnicity: Texan
Religious views: Don't mess with Texas
Marital status: Married to the ranch. Also, to my wife.
Want children? I calved a couple young'uns earlier today
Best feature: Calluses
Smoke? Only what I can roll
Drink? Moonshine

Seeking: A right fine heifer
Location: In the barn, at the stockyard, on the range      it doesn't matter
Her body type: Meaty
Her ethnicity: Angus
Her hairstyle: Matted

About me: Hello there, ladies. They call me the Texas Beefmaster (sure they do), but it's not because of the livestock I keep on my ranch. You see, I'm partial to a girl with some steak on her bones, the kind of woman who knows her way around both a trough and a haystack. It's true that I'm married, but my relationship is as open as the range that I ride. So if you're interested in knocking hooves, drop me a line and we can get low.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 16 blades of dry grass
Key 1993 stat: 11,765 hours spent going over the Dewey Decimal System
It's time for another installment of The Caption, which we're told ran in the Los Angeles Daily News in 1993: "Los Angeles Dodgers starting pitcher Orel Hershiser, left, who apparently works as a librarian in the offseason, shops at a Los Angeles-area Home Depot for specialty sod that he plans to install at Dodger Stadium because he read 11 books on the differences between Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass and he has concluded that a new playing surface would qualitatively benefit his teammates by providing them a 15 percent increase in one-run victories when compared with the past five years' average, all while trying to ignore the Pittsburgh Pirates player behind him who keeps trying to hide by covering his face even though his body is sticking out in the open Thursday in Burbank."

Orel Hershiser, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Jack McDowell, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 5)

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace (of Base)
Value of card: Two drink tickets at McDowell's concert (you're gonna need them)
Key 1991 stat: 42 times talked to an angel
10 early 1990s alt-rock stories that could have applied to rocker-pitcher Jack McDowell:
10) He covered Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You" while wearing a conch-shell necklace.
9) He did a college radio commercial during which he just sighed in different tones for 30 seconds.
8) He moved to Seattle, then realized he didn't play for the Mariners.
7) He gave Alanis Morissette a "jagged little pill," if you know what we mean.
6) He "totally wrote the words 'mellon collie and infinite sadness' on a bar napkin three years — three full years, bro — before those corporate-sellout hacks the Smashing Pumpkins used it as an album title."
5) He did MTV's "Unplugged" — in his own garage.
4) He often complained, in a beaten-down tone, that the mainstream just didn't understand his goatee.
3) He had to be rushed to a hospital after nearly drowning in flannel.
2) He once stormed off the stage because a 43-year-old mother of four in the front row was wearing the same vest as him.
1) He and his band, Stickfigure, reached the "pinnacle" of their career when they played at The Peach Pit After Dark in the background of a "Beverly Hills 90210" episode.

Jack McDowell, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 5)