Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Name: Ron Davis
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Less than the VHS tapes at Goodwill
Key 1986 stat: Ate his weight in deep-dish pizza
Here's what Ron Davis stands for:

Really had us fooled with the airbrushing, there, Topps
Open-mouth stare is a good look for a baseball card photo
Nice 8.59 ERA in '86, Ronnie

Dealt twice in two years...
A player to be named later? That was Mr. Davis
Visually, this card is the equivalent of a yawn
Is it so difficult to find a barber in the Midwest?
Stats like his truly belonged with the Cubs

Card submitted by Davey Meyer

Ron Davis, 1987 Topps

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bill Buckner
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Priceless for Mets fans
Key 1986 stat: 1 error; heard about it?
Here's what Bill Buckner stands for:

Boston, give the guy a break.
It's time we moved past 1986.
Leave him alone, for the love of god.
Let's remember him for more than just one play, folks.

Bro, it's getting old.
Under that cap is a sensitive soul in need of forgiveness.
Can't we see this player for the man he was?
Kind, gentle, compassionate, eyebrowed.
Never forget: The mustache makes the man.
Error aside, that chest hair is the real flub.
Ripping on his assortment of different kinds of hair, instead of the error, is doing the man a service.

Bill Buckner, 1987 Donruss

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: One busted cinder block
Key 1985 stat: 14 dog turds picked up before taking this photo
Here's what Mike Laga stands for:

Made his name in the Detroit backyard baseball circuit
Isn't actually wearing Tigers team gear, just a hat and jacket he bought at Kmart
Knifed by the homeowner whose property he trespassed on for this photo
Exposed pipes and broken cinder blocks      welcome to Detroit!

Lifetime .199 batting average might help explain this photo
After hitting a ball over that fence, Laga made the photographer go and ask for it back
Garbage: Describes both what's on that lawn and Laga's major-league career
At least he's not wearing pink. Yet.

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Name: Roy Gerela
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 6 drops of oil
Key 1970 stat: 12 nights spent in the basement of the Alamo (behind him)
Here's what Roy Gerela stands for:

Rascally haircut for a rascally kicker
Oil covered his body on many nights spent alone
Younger than most players by looking at that hairdo

Gazing into the far beyond, he saw his future on a terrible sports card
Eyes strangely the same blinding color of his uniform and the sky
Rarely found time to comb his bangs between kicks
Everyman who most men would avoid
Little illustrated kicker in the corner was a much tougher dude
Adam's apple could serve as a shiv in a streetfight

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Edgar Diaz
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 gum balls (chewed)
Key 1990 stat: 162 games spent daydreaming in the dugout
Let's see what Edgar Diaz stands for:

Eyes were covered by a vending machine purchase
Dollar shades, $5 haircut
Glasses blocked out the sun — and the ridicule of the masses
Arrived at the decision to gaze at the clouds when he couldn't look himself in the mirror
Radical look? Not so much

Didn't realize he was soon to be nominated for "Coolest Dude on the Brewers"
Incidentally, he stole these shades from a 6-year-old
Awful look in 1991, but a stylish hipster in 2014
Zero chance his teammates let him live down this card

Edgar Diaz, 1991 Upper Deck

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ted Power
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One blown 40-amp fuse
Key 1990 stat: 160 electrical cables taped to walls
Here's what Ted Power stands for:

That mustache is pretty powerful, all right
Electrician      not his nickname, his future career
Despite surname, arm wasn't all that strong

Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor
Once starred in his own choose-your-own-adventure book
Wears that curly mullet like no one's business
Eyes firmly planted on that tiny ball headed right for him
Really taking his time signing that autograph      you wanna hurry it up, buddy?

Ted Power, 1991 Upper Deck

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: The foam from a blown keg of Keystone Light
Key 1980 stat: Made 48 tacky jokes involving his initials and a bra cup size
Here's what Dick Davis stands for:

Didn't get on the field very often...
Instead you could most often find him staring longingly, standing on the dugout steps
Correct, his eyebrows are indeed a mirror image of his mustache
Killer afro on that lady in the front row

Don't think we've ever seen a man make an elastic waistband look so good
After Milwaukee gave up on him, he played for three teams in 1982
Vacant gaze was his calling card...
It certainly wasn't his baseball talent
Sleeves were longer than his playing career

Dick Davis, 1981 Fleer

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Name: Steve Balboni
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Pretty sure it's worth at least $100
Key 1989 stat: Zero bunts
Here's what Steve Balboni stands for:

Stripes not quite slimming
Total package: power, charisma, mustache
Everyman who inspired couch potatoes everywhere
Veal scallopini shortage in New York during his days with the Yankees
Ego was never a problem; Eggos, that's another story

Boiler proved this guy had guts
Another career option: angry police detective, shirt slightly untucked
Lip sweater would make Tom Selleck jealous
Best stat: one career stolen base
One hundred eighty-one career home runs is nothing to shake a hoagie at
Nearly elected to the Name Hall of Fame
Inspired countless jokes from kids in the 1980s and early '90s who called each other "Balboners"

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Drew Hall, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Drew Hall
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 used dental rubber bands
Key 1989 stat: 12 hours spent getting clay impressions made of his teeth
Let's see what Drew Hall stands for:

Dentist deferred to the orthodontist for a few years
Rubber bands taste rubbery when swallowed
Eating proved difficult so he drank blended doughnuts through a straw
Wounds in the gums make chewing tobacco much harder

Hellacious pain after a tightening
Ancestors would have had teeth like a bowl full of broken glass
Little did he know his orthodontia would be preserved for posterity on a baseball card
Laugh now; these braces gave him a winning smile he's still flashing today

Drew Hall, 1990 Upper Deck

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Wes Unseld
Team: Washington Bullets
Position: Coach
Value of card: As many cents as Coach Unseld had winning seasons (translation: zero)
Key 1990 stat: 816 death glares
Here's what Wes Unseld stands for:

Wizards or Bullets ...
Either way, Washington fans haven't had much to celebrate until this year
Suspenders for pants, suspension lift for hair

Unseld could have started ahead of most of his players in the early '90s
Nobody on the bench could see around that sizable backside
Skinny tie? No, just a wide man
Eyeglasses appear to be molded to his head
Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays
Down deep, though, he just wants a hug

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps

Name: Rich Gale
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It won't make you rich, and it won't bring you a windfall
Key 1980 stat: Never afraid to rock a soul patch
Here's what Rich Gale stands for:

Royals were lucky to have such a well-coiffed hurler
It's possible, of course, that that's just a red panda resting on his head
Can't tell who Rich is looking at, but we doubt it's anyone as attractive as the hunky Mr. Gale
His hair sported a nifty 3.40 ERA that year, two full runs below Rich's number

Glasses would have knocked down a comeback liner without even taking a scratch...
And that mustache would have caught it
Little silver chain is the best 50 cents anyone ever put in a gumball machine
Everyone who watched this guy pitch agrees: Gale blows

Rich Gale, 1981 Topps