Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Name: Anthony Munoz
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: See that elastic waistline twist tie? Yeah, that.
Key 1990 stat: 416 pancakes (not blocks; the breakfast food)
Transcript from Cincinnati-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Zubaz: "Howdy, Bengals fans. I'm Anthony Munoz and I'm here to tell you about NFL-brand Zubaz. If you're like me, you've always wanted to wear an understated pair of pants that look good without being outrageous. Well, your search is over, because NFL-brand Zubaz is being sold at a store near you. These are pants that put substance over style. They aren't meant to scare your elderly relatives or blind the children in your neighborhood. Oh no. They're made to match with just about any clothing combination you have in your closet. Need trousers for a formal occasion? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need something plain to go with a trendy striped shirt at the club? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need pants that absolutely, positively don't have giant tiger heads on them? Get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. With NFL-brand Zubaz, you'll earn your stripes without ever selling out to a ridiculous fad."

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Name: Eric Dickerson
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of ram dung
Key 1986 stat: 46 opponents juked out of their pants (on the dance floor)
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Windshields, circa 1987: "Hello, football fans. Eric Dickerson here, All-Pro running back for your Los Angeles Rams. Whether you want to see the whole field or the whole road, you need to get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Windshields. (Dickerson straps glasses on his head, squeezing his cranium.) One pair of Windshields will have you covered — literally — when you're zigzagging past defenders or zigzagging in and out of traffic. You see, NFL-brand Windshields can be peeled off your face and attached to the front of your car. You're getting two products in one. So forget about NFL-brand Windshields cutting off the circulation to your brain or making your head look like a mushroom, and start thinking about the protection you need on the gridiron and on the highway. NFL-brand Windshields: the No. 1 choice when you need head-on-collision protection for your ride and your face."

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Name: Rollie Fingers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Closer
Value of card: Two free plane tickets to Milwaukee (still unclaimed)
Key 1981 stat: 22 straight victories in "best name" contests
Script from Fingers-brand Mustache Wax® television commercial, circa 1982: "Howdy, sports fans, I'm Rollie Fingers, and I know how to close. And if you want to close in on a bold new style, you need to pick up a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel like you look like every other guy in the boardroom or at the baseball game? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever want to look like you're a 19th-century boxer or carriage driver from the Prohibition era? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Ever feel the need to hang Christmas tree ornaments from your facial hair? Grab yourself a tube of Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®. Because with Fingers-brand Mustache Wax®, your 'stache will no longer be a secret."

Rollie Fingers, 1982 Donruss

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Johnson
Team: UNLV Runnin' Rebels
Position: Forward
Value of card: Two tickets to the gun show
Key 1991 stat: Ran, but didn't rebel very much
They shoot, they miss: We're a couple weeks into basketball season, and the good people at the Bust are fired up. Despite your requests, we've decided to bring you another week of basketball cards so bad, so ugly, so absurd, that, well, they'll fit right in on this blog. So put on your shortest short-shorts and get ready to start flopping      it's time for Heinous Hoops Week.
Transcript from a late-night Las Vegas-area TV commercial, circa 1991: "Hello, Las Vegas! I'm Larry Johnson. You may know me for my talent on the basketball court, my python-like biceps, or my penchant for wearing multiple pairs of shorts at the same time. And while it's true that I like shooting hoops, I also love shooting guns!" (Cut to footage of a shirtless LJ firing a rifle in the desert) "That's right, handguns, shotguns, machine guns, I love 'em all. I even fired a Gatling gun one time! Thanks, UNLV boosters! Anyway, that's why I've opened up my own shop. At Johnson's Guns, you'll find every type of firearm and ammunition you could want. But don't take it from me      take it from this old gunslinger! (UNLV mascot Hey Reb dances into the shot, firing live rounds from actual pistols) "AAHHHH! HE SHOT ME! OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A     " (Cut to color bars)

Larry Johnson, 1991 Classic (Heinous Hoops Week No. 1)

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Name: Salomon Torres
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Pitcher, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of 2-week-old leftover coffee grounds
Key 1991 stat: Zero of his high school sophomore year classes attended
Advertisement (mostly translated) for Dominican Republic beisbols, circa 1991: "Howdy, beisbol fans. I'm 15-year-old Salomon Torres, one of the Dominican Republic's brightest pitching prospects, and I'm here to tell you about beisbols. You might not have ever seen one of these round, white beisbols. We all grew up playing with rocks, rolled-up corn husks or goat feces wrapped in string, but now we have beisbols, the revolutionary invention that will allow us to become even better players in that hellhole to the north, Los Estados Unidos. So put down the dung and grab a beisbol, kid. In two years, with a little bit of 'bols, you might just be the next Salomon Torres."

Salomon Torres, 1992 Bowman

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Name: Tim Flannery
Teams: San Diego Padres, Sauritch Surfbords
Position: Second base, pitch man
Value of card: 3 ounces of SexWax
Key 1987 stat: 490 waves shredded
Script from Sauritch Surfboards television commercial, circa 1987: "Cowabunga, dudes! This is Tim 'The Flan Man' Flannery here for Sauritch Surfboards, the finest boards straight from SoCal. You want to catch some epic waves and rip it heavy? Grab a Sauritch. You want to totally miss out on wipeouts and never hear, 'Bummer, bro'? Grab a Sauritch. You want to jet through a rip curl and keep it gnarly at all times? Grab a Sauritch, dude. Even if your job is on the diamond, you'll never be a square on a Sauritch. Surf's up, dude. Forget the hanging curveballs; hang 10 on a Sauritch, and be the big Kahuna."

Tim Flannery, 1988 Fleer

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Eric Karros
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two $1 bills the same color scheme as this card
Key 1992 stat: One guest appearance on the "General Hospital" spinoff "Port Charles"
Transcript from late-night TV commercial for The Shake Weight®, circa 1993: "Hey there, sports fans. Eric Karros here, Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year and all-around handsome dude. I spend my time playing with balls on the diamond, but I still need to work long and hard to stay fit. How do I do it? It's simple: The Shake Weight®. (Close-up of Karros slowly moving the weight up and down.) At my job, I need strong wrists. And to get strong wrists I grab The Shake Weight® by the shaft and jerk it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and ... whew, whoa, what was I saying? Any way, get yourself The Shake Weight® — it's a stroke of genius."

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Name: Randy Bass
Team: Premium Malts (yes, really)
Positions: "Infielder," usually standing in a buffet line
Value of card: One bass skeleton
Key 2008 stat: For relaxing times, made it Suntory time
Get ready for another edition of The Caption, which may have been translated from some Japanese newspaper or other, as far as you know: "Pro Japanese baseball legend Randy Bass holds up a giant, inflatable can advertising Suntory Premium Malts during an old-timers all-star game Sunday in Tokyo. The evening took an ugly turn after the game, however, when Bass learned that the can was not, in fact, filled with delicious malt liquor, and in retaliation looted a nearby convenience store, drinking every 40-ounce bottle of less-than-premium alcohol he could find. Police have estimated that the damage is close to a million yen."

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Name: Garret Anderson
Team: California Angels
Positions: Outfield, pitchman
Value of card: Coupon for 1 percent off at shuttered Athlete's Foot
Key 1991 stat: 229 self-portraits
Transcript from Los Angeles-area late-night TV Nike Jordan commercial, circa 1992: "Hello, L.A. Garret Anderson here, for Nike Jordan athletic gear. When you want to dress to impress, get fitted for the gym and the club, there's no better brand than Nike Jordan. I wear Jordan wherever I go. In fact, I like Jordan so much I'm not getting paid for this commercial. Actually, Nike and MJ himself have no idea I'm doing this ad. Um ... to be honest ... um ... I'm shooting this in my parents' basement wearing my dad's Adidas workout pants. Well, I might as well come clean: This isn't even my shirt, and I might get sued for airing this commercial. But that won't stop me from saying: When you want to catch real air, pick Jordan."

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Name: Troy Percival
Team: California Angels
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 blades of grass (dead and dried)
Key 1991 stat: One pair of jeans owned
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial, circa 1992: "Howdy, sports fans. I'm Troy Percival of the California Angels, and I wear Black Jeans. Why Black Jeans? Because nothing makes you look hotter and keeps your goods sweatier than Black Jeans. You can wear Black Jeans with just about anything, even an atrocious blue T-shirt with buttons. Boom. Black Jeans. Say you're at the mall and some other guy is wearing bluejeans. Guess what? He's a sucker. You're wearing Black Jeans and all the girls want you. Boom. Like to wear your mom's watch? Boom. You look more like a man if you wear your mom's watch while you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Have a crazy-dope flat top? It's crazier and doper when you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Remember: The whitest dudes on the block wear Black Jeans. Boom."

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Name: Derek Hill
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 4 inches of ripped shoelace
Key 1990 stat: Eight hours of leg shaving a week
Transcript from Phoenix-area TV commercial for NFL Women's Wear, circa 1991: "Hello, ladies. I'm Derek "The Thrill" Hill, and I'm here to tell you about NFL Women's Wear, the hottest styles from the hottest sport for you, the hottest females around. NFL Women's Wear features all kinds of styles, and I'm wearing many of them right now. (camera pans slowly from head to feet) Just check out these ladies size 22 Adidas running shoes, and this comfy-omfy sweatshirt, great for curling up with that special guy in your life. And, of course, NFL Women's Wear offers the sexiest booty shorts on the market today, perfect for showing off your freshly shaved legs. Are your legs smooth enough? I know mine are? (camera pans across legs, with light gleaming off them) And our biggest seller (winks) the NFL Women's Wear thong, which I'm sporting right now. Toodles!"

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Pete Incaviglia, 1989 Donruss

Name: Pete Incaviglia
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, chewing tobacco pitchman
Value of card: $1.99 for a can of Kodiak Wintergreen
Key 1988 stat: 14,097 chews taken
Advertisement for Kodiak chewing tobacco, circa 1989: "Hey, sports fans. I'm Pete Incaviglia, a major league slugger with a major league hankering for some Carolina-grown chewing tobacco. And when I want a hefty chew with bite, I reach for Kodiak, America's favorite fiberglass-flavored chewing tobacco. Hitting a curveball may be hard, but grabbing a Kodiak is easy. Just head to the store, throw down two bucks, stuff a massive lipper in your gums, and put the can in your back pocket. Because remember, sports fans, when you want a chew with bite, grab the bear; it belongs on your butt."

Pete Incaviglia, 1989 Donruss

Dick Vitale, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Dick Vitale
Team: Team ESPN
Position: Analyst
Value of card: Two earplugs, used by someone else
Key 1994 stat: Talked about Duke 3,109,442,795 times
Just in time for the NBA Finals, Dicky V welcomes you to Another Freakin' Basketball Week: "Settle in, everybody, this week is gonna be awesome, baby! Sure, you won't see many PTPers, many diaper dandies, or anyone who's awesome with a capital 'A.' No chance, but I'll tell you what you are gonna see. You're gonna see something special, baby, you're gonna see some all-star mullets, you're gonna see some shorts riding up to places that aren't for the faint of heart, and you're gonna see some pieces of clothing that belong nowhere near a human body! That's right, including my own tie! It's a Dicky V special, baby, a real checkerboard atrocity! That's OK, though, because all my gold buttons and my shiny bald head will distract the opposition from noticing the Bust trophy on my microphone! These next seven days are gonna be incredible!"

Dick Vitale, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 1)

Greg Fulton, 1990 Pro Cards

Name: Greg Fulton
Team: Calgary Cannons
Positions: Infield, pitchman
Value of card: As worthless as it looks
Key 1989 stat: Actually, this photo session was the only highlight for Fulton
Transcript from Calgary Cannons' promotional commercial, circa 1990: "Hey there, sports fans. (BOOM!) Oh my god, what was that? I'm, um, utility infielder Greg Fulton and I'm inviting you to come on down to Foothills Stadium for a game this season north of the border. Well, actually, if you're a Canadian, you're already north of the border. Ya see, I'm from Chattanooga, Tenn., so y'all seem strange to me. But I digress. (BOOM!) Jesus H., what was that? Anyway, the Cannons invite you to bring the family down to the ballpark to catch a game against some of the top Triple-A talent in the nation — well, there's not much baseball talent in your nation, but you can watch some pretty good Americans play the American pastime if you're not too busy cheering for the Flames. (BOOM!) Lord, what is that sound? I'm going to need a new pair of pants. If you attend a game this weekend we'll be giving out these handsome mesh jerseys Friday and these Chicago Cubs look-alike hats Saturday. (BOOM!) My ears! My ears! Um, well, I can't really hear the playback but I'll tell all you sports fans that if you can't make it Friday or Saturday you should come on down Sunday. We'll be (BOOM!) giving away (BOOM!) promotional (BOOM!) cannons (BOOM!) that you can enjoy at home (BOOM!) or take to a Flames tailgate party, eh? (BOOM!) I'm deaf. Lord, I'm deaf.

Greg Fulton, 1990 Pro Cards

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Larry Bird
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Forward (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Lots of green
Key 1991-92 stat: 16-inch zipper
Welcome to Another (face-palm) Basketball Week: It's March Madness, the time of year when we all get in touch with our inner degenerate gambler, and we're marking the occasion with a week of some of basketball's most ridiculous cards from the 1980s and 1990s. Get ready for seven days of blinding jackets, detestable illustrations and some of the whitest white dudes you've ever seen. It's Another Basketball Week (face-palm).
Transcript from nationwide Starter apparel television commercial, circa 1980: "Hey, kids. (swish sounds) I'm 1979-80 NBA Rookie of the Year Larry Bird, and I'm a starter. (swish sounds) You know what makes a starter? It starts with the jacket. It has to be bold. It has to be tight. It has to be blindingly shiny. (swish sounds) You know what else makes a starter? A mop of blond curls. (swish sounds) Hands that have been smashed by a hammer. (swish sounds) A six-hair invisible mustache. (swish sounds) A pair of bloodflow-restricting Lee brand jeans. (swish sounds) You want to be a starter? Get yourself a Starter jacket. (swish sounds) Starter: It begins with style and ends with a swish."

Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Basketball Heroes (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 1)

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants; Jimmy Dean All-Stars; unknown
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two eggs over easy
Key 1990 stat: $650 payday for commercial
A proud tradition: We here at The Bust have fond feelings for Jimmy Dean baseball cards. We remember opening up packages of frozen sausages and pulling out cards wrapped in icy-wet cellophane. Oh, what a combination: mass-produced meat products and mockable cards that don't even have Major League Baseball's permission to use team logos. You remember the greats: a terrible-in-teal Benito, a Kid with a kid's mustache, and a Hurt so big he can't fit within the card's borders. This time? You have a card that's anything but a thrill.

Let's get to meat of this post: Here are 10 "butchered" catchphrases from Will Clark's Jimmy Dean commercial, circa 1990.
10) "Mmm-mmm, this flash-frozen, microwavable breakfast foodstuff is a home run."
9) "Where there's a Will, there's a sausage."
8) "Jimmy Dean sausages — now made from real boots!"
7) "We put the 'age' in 'sausage.'"
6) "Let me tell you, I know Giants, and these sausages are, well, not too giant, actually. But they're a pretty decent size, when compared with what you might get at McDonald's, or Dairy Queen, for instance."
5) "Grab a skillet, then put it away and open the microwave door!"
4) "I'm Will Clark, and I've seen how the Jimmy Dean sausage is made." (barfs)
3) "Jimmy Dean: the choice of athletes who chew three cans of tobacco a day."
2) "Take it from me, the real 'thrill' is tasting these sausage patties."
1) "Jimmy, I'd eat your sausage any time."

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Frank Thomas, 1992, um, Power Surge?

Name: Frank Thomas
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 2 ounces of burnt hair
Key 1991 stat: One lightning strike
Transcript from Chicagoland TV commercial for Power Surge® energy drink, circa 1991: "You ever feel so tired you want to curl up on the field of life? Well I have. I'm Frank Thomas, all-star first baseman for the Chicago White Sox. I'm here to tell you about Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas), the state-of-the-art, first-of-its-kind, game-changing, life-changing, world-changing energy drink that electrifies (lightning strikes behind Thomas) your on-field performance with a dose of liquid lightning (lightning strikes behind Thomas). Oh, yeah! When you're dragging and need a jolt, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're down in the dumps and need to energize your life, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). When you're bored and need to shock the world, grab a Power Surge® (lightning strikes behind Thomas). I'm Frank Thomas, and I'm here to tell you to electrify your performance with a Power Surge® (lightning strikes Thomas on the left forearm, above, and he writhes in pain). Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It burns! It burns! Make it stop! Help! Help! Ahhhh! No more Power Surge®!"

Frank Thomas, 1992, um, Power Surge?