Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bake McBride
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 baked cookies (stale)
Key 1980 stat: Zero times using an oven
A new inductee: We want to welcome Bake McBride to the Name Hall of Fame. It's quite an honor to be included among the likes of Charles Assmann, Dick Pole and Chet Lemon. Sure, McBride's name isn't an easy dick-and-fart joke and, sure, thousands of kids didn't make their own fun cards by erasing his face and drawing a giant fruit head, but you can't deny the awesomeness of a guy with an afro and a dirty beard who looks baked and is named Bake. This Name Hall of Famer would make a fine McBride for any Assmann out there.

Bake McBride, 1981 Fleer

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Al Holland
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher (possibly a belly-itcher)
Value of card: 2 cat hairballs
Key 1980 stat: $12,876 annual salary as South San Francisco garbage collector
Gaze upon him: Here we have style maven Al Holland. The talented pitcher set out each day to redefine fashion on the diamond. He eschewed baseball caps, saying men who always wore hair helmets didn't need them. He sewed his own jacket from a tarp that spent two winters covering a wood pile. Why? Because he could. He grew a mustache that frowned for him when reporters questioned his fashion choices. His mutton chops? Epic. They were as thick as most lumberjacks' beards — but who needs a beard with a chin that manly? We salute you, Al Holland. A true style Giant.

Al Holland, 1981 Fleer

John Riggins, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 209)

Name: John Riggins
Team: New York Jets
Position: Running back
Value of card: The broken radio antenna from that sweet '71 Oldsmobile in the background
Key 1973 stat: Put Bill Bradley to shame
Hair's the catch: Football fans know that John Riggins was a tough guy, a hard-nosed runner who was never one to shy away from contact. But few remember that Riggins appealed to the league before the 1973 season to let him play without a helmet, arguing that his luxurious afro would absorb any impact on the field      and adding that it would be a crime to cover it up in any way. The NFL decided to allow Riggins to forgo his hat for one preseason game as a trial. The running back, as you might expect, was knocked unconscious in the first quarter. The league then quickly denied Riggins' appeal      not because it was concerned about concussions or player safety (as we've come to learn), but because of commissioner Pete Rozelle's incredible hair envy.

John Riggins, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 209)

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:

• Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
• J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
• Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
• Ray May, who was always to the point
• And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Names: Charley Taylor, Fred Biletnikoff
Teams: Washington Redskins, Oakland Raiders
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 6 pigeon feathers covered in bird poop
Key 1974 stat: 2 alien-looking football helmets on this card
It's time for an All-Pro edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Mustache that's like the road most traveled (Winner: Taylor)
Round 2: Name that sounds like it could be a Soviet rifle (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 3: Always-looking-up attitude (Winner: Taylor)
Round 4: Always-looking-ready-to-kill attitude (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 5: Perfectly coiffed 'fro (Winner: Taylor)
Round 6: Comb-over mullet combination of lore (Winner: Biletnikoff)
Round 7: Dude you wouldn't want to see lurking in the shadows (Winner: Biletnikoff)

Score: Biletnikoff 4, Taylor 3

Synopsis: In a close contest between two All-Pros, the Hall of Famer with the dead eyes proves a guy with hippie hair can still be a winner.

Charley Taylor and Fred Biletnikoff, 1975 Topps All Pro (Football Friday No. 204)

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Don Sutton
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Ace
Value of card: We'll trade you this card for two of this card, because, hey, it doesn't really matter
Key 1984 stat: 19 wrinkles drawn
Let's see what Don Sutton stands for:

Dude rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
Oscar Gamble would be proud.
Never met a curling iron he didn't use.

Suspicions of HGH (hair growth hormone) were rampant.
Under that hat, more curls!
Tiny Sutton seems to have a weight problem that Big Sutton doesn't have.
That poor Tiny Sutton is getting swallowed in the 'fro puff.
Only player to keep spare baseballs under his hair.
Never underestimate the illustrated bulge.

Don Sutton, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ozzie Smith
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 11 banana peels
Key 1980 stat: 820 days before being traded for Garry Templeton (nice, Padres, nice)
Ozzie Smith was known as "The Wizard" for making magical plays; here are some of his best:

• He dove for a ground ball into the hole, popped up, made the throw to first and realized the infield dirt had turned his uniform the colors of throw-up.
• He sprung into the air to snag a line drive, propelled upward by his magnificent afro.
• He caught a ball that careened off his face, stylishly shaping his sideburns.
• He somehow, beyond all expectations, kept that hat on his head without once falling off for a full game.
• He orchestrated a trade to the Cardinals and won a World Series and made the Hall of Fame.

Ozzie Smith, 1981 Donruss

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Name: Oscar Gamble
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $10 in the hole if you Gamble
Key 1980 stat: 26 teeth in a sensational smile
It's the Bust's biggest superstar: Oscar Gamble was a good baseball player. He finished his career with 200 home runs and (mark of the devil) 666 RBIs. But he's best-known for being the subject of what is arguably the hairiest baseball card of all time. In the 1981 Fleer card above, Gamble has, it seems, matured a bit and trimmed down his famous 'fro to a manageable size. It might not look as good at the club, but the Yankees cap fits better. He's still rockin' an all-star mustache and enviable sideburns, and it appears he's happy with the more professional look. We here at the Bust respect Oscar's decision to clean it up, but when it comes to unique visitors on this laughable blog, anything other than the most-viewed 1977 Topps Traded afro spectacular is a gamble.

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Name: Mario Soto
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Soto? More like so low.
Key 1981 stat: Signed name as "Mario Sota" every third time just to mess with people
Clearing up some rumors about Mario Soto:

• Mario Soto was not angry in the above photo. He was just straining all of his head and face muscles under the weight of all that hair.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, refuse to call his undershirt in this picture a "turtleneck." He instead called it an "afrosweater."
• Mario Soto did not use bobby pins to keep his hat atop his head. He used Superglue.
• Mario Soto did not have a family of robins living in his hair. It was just a single robin who was afraid of commitment.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, use his afro to once catch a line drive. He also used it to catch taxis, trout, the attention of ladies and, one time, the clap.

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Name: Eric Dickerson
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Running back
Value of card: 12 pounds of ram dung
Key 1986 stat: 46 opponents juked out of their pants (on the dance floor)
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Windshields, circa 1987: "Hello, football fans. Eric Dickerson here, All-Pro running back for your Los Angeles Rams. Whether you want to see the whole field or the whole road, you need to get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Windshields. (Dickerson straps glasses on his head, squeezing his cranium.) One pair of Windshields will have you covered — literally — when you're zigzagging past defenders or zigzagging in and out of traffic. You see, NFL-brand Windshields can be peeled off your face and attached to the front of your car. You're getting two products in one. So forget about NFL-brand Windshields cutting off the circulation to your brain or making your head look like a mushroom, and start thinking about the protection you need on the gridiron and on the highway. NFL-brand Windshields: the No. 1 choice when you need head-on-collision protection for your ride and your face."

Eric Dickerson, 1987 Topps (Football Friday No. 192)

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Name: Pascual Perez
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The bounty of a pirate — a poverty-stricken pirate
Key 1981 stat: 12 games played at a drive-in movie theater
It's time for a signature-edition pop quiz:

What's Pascual Perez's excuse for that signature?

(A) He let a 3-year-old fan sign the card.
(B) He didn't use a pen; he used jheri-curl juice.
(C) That's not his signature; it's part of a radical uniform promotion the Pirates employed in 1981.
(D) Like many a Pirate, arrgh, he had scurvy when he signed this card.
(E) All of the above.

Pascual Perez, 1982 Topps

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Name: Jose Cardenal
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield, first base, garbage man
Value of card: 12 bugs pulled from Cardenal's hair
Key 1980 stat: 2,987 hours looking shady
10 things you might not know about Jose Cardenal:
10) He never played for the Cardenals.
9) His favorite player was Oscar Gamble.
8) The "KC" on his hat stood for "Kalamazoo College," where he was a janitor.
7) His mom coined the phrase, "No way, Jose."
6) He had the ability to smile.
5) He won Best MLB Corpse of 1981.
4) He worked as an usher between innings.
3) That's a size 11 hat.
2) He rocks rough and stuff with his afro puffs.
1) He's bald beneath that hat.

Jose Cardenal, 1981 Topps

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Name: Gale Sayers
Teams: Chicago Bears, Chicago Hippies
Position: Running back
Value of card: One broken VHS of "Brian's Song"
Key 2012 stat: Looked neither peaceful nor loving in this portrait
Catch this pop quiz: What is Gale Sayers' coat made from?

A) Peace, love and understanding
B) Big Bird's hide
C) Various spellings of the word "love"
D) Luxurious yellow shag carpeting
E) All of the above

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?

(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer