Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: USA
Position: Honorary captain
Value of card: Air
Key 1992 stat: Zero minutes spent kicking anything
Michael Jordan is seen dunking a soccer ball; here are some other things he did with balls from other sports:

• Jordan kept a tube of tennis balls in his shorts.
• Jordan hit golf balls while dressed like an Australian hobo.
• Jordan spiked volleyballs from about 16 feet in the air.
• Jordan hit 3-pointers with bowling balls when he was in the zone.
• Jordan whiffed at baseballs.

Michael Jordan, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Over-under is 12 cents (Jordan took the over and lost)
Key 1993 stat: 994 ounces of sweat over 94 days of summer
Welcome to Ball-Busting Basketball Week: That's right, all you degenerate gamblers, it's NCAA tourney time, and things here at The Bust are heating up. While the nation watches its brackets get busted, we're about to treat our faithful readers (see: you, and about three other guys) to seven days of basketball cards that need their balls busted. So sit back, relax and try not to dunk your laptop in the garbage after reading these posts.
10 things Michael Jordan did in the summer of '94:
10) Stood in disbelief after one of countless terrible golf shots
9) Had someone else sign his name in gold leaf
8) Wore shorts that were long enough to be pants on normal-size human beings
7) Sweated under the heat of two suns and a basketball-orange sky
6) Caught so much air he ended up outside Mars
5) Wondered why the hell the Japanese flag's sun disk was included on a sports card
4) Worked as Paul Hogan's stunt double in the unreleased "Crocodile Dundee III: Drunk in Chicago"
3) Gambled. A lot.
2) Hit the links at his favorite country club on Tatooine under its twin suns
1) Spent hours working on his putts

Michael Jordan, Summer of '94 (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 1)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Team Checklist (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Guard, under water
Value of card: Watching paint dry
Key 1990-91 stat: Never made that face
Mistakes we found in this illustration:

• Michael Jordan's skin was not made of corduroy
• Michael Jordan's forearms were not bigger than his upper arms
• NBA hoops are typically not twice as big as the basketball
• Michael Jordan's head was not smaller than his calves
• Michael Jordan could not breathe under Lake Michigan
• Michael Jordan made this face only once in his life, and that was when Horace Grant tried to kiss Phil Jackson

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Team Checklist (Another (face palm) Basketball Week No. 5)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Air
Key 1989-90 stat: $32.7 billion made from endorsements
It's time for a dunk-worthy dose of The Caption, which we're told was featured in a Chicagoland newspaper in 1990: "Nike, Hanes, Gatorade, Chevrolet, Rayovac, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, MCI, Ball Park Franks and Wheaties pitchman and Chicago Bulls shooting guard Michael Jordan dunks a basketball during a game in Chicago against the New York Knicks, whose team members stand motionless in astonishment while gazing upon His Airness as he humiliates them once again with his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a certain costumed rock god Sunday."

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 Fleer (Another (face-palm) Basketball Week No. 2)

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: $19.99 gift certificate to name a star after that special someone
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero legs
We sat down with Michael Jordan and asked him questions about space; here are his answers:

Michael, good to have you here. First question: What is the Milky Way made of?

Ask your sister.

OK, No. 2: What's your favorite planet?

It's certainly not Uranus. Wash down there.

Well, that's uncalled for. We'll move on. Can you explain the big-bang theory?

Yes.

Well? Can you elaborate?

The big bang? Ask your sister. And I thought about your second question. The answer: Heranus.

Listen, Mike, you're being pretty rude. We're big fans. You sure you want to act like this?

Yes. But let me explain interstellar space. Interstellar space is the physical space within a galaxy not occupied by stars or their planetary systems. The interstellar medium resides — by definition — in interstellar space.

Wow, Mike. That's really insightful. Anything else you'd like to add?

There's no air in space.

Huh-huh. But we've seen you in space, Air. Huh-huh.

No, there's no air in space. But Air's in your sister.

That's it. Interview over.

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Names: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird
Teams: Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: 33 / 23 = 1.43 cents
10 other names for the duo of "Birdman and Agent 23":
10) The Skintight Superheroes
9) N.B.A. (Never Been Art)
8) Spewer of Purple Goo and Dr. No Feet
7) The Not-So Fantastic Two
6) Air Beneath His Wings
5) Blonde and Bald Connection
4) The Ball Handlers
3) The Dynamic Bulges
2) The Ambiguously Drawn Duo
1) Ebony and Ivory

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Shooting guard, on Patrick Ewing's back
Value of card: Two tokens for piggyback rides at the county fair
Key 1991-92 stat: 76 times dominating Patrick Ewing
Michael Jordan's train of thought, 7:45 to 7:46 p.m. Feb. 18, 1993: "OK, dribbling down the court, past Mark Jackson, past John Starks. Oh, Ewing's in the way. Well, I'm just going to have to jump over that huge mountain of man. Here it goes. Oh, gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! Gross! So. Much. Sweat. My shorts are sopping wet. I feel like I'm pressed up against a manatee. Oh, lord. Now I'm stuck. Ewing's sweat is binding me to his back. My mesh shorts and his mesh jersey are becoming one. I feel his sweat inundating my pores. Now I'm sweating. This is so disgusting. Focus, Air, focus. I still have to score. OK, big boy, walk me down toward the hoop. That's the way, Ewing. And, dunk. Score. The sweatiest, stinkiest two points of my career. Now to burn my shorts."

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Fleer Slam Dunk (Air Jordan Week No. 5)

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: In cents, 1/40th of what Harry Caray's glasses weigh in pounds
Key 1995 stat: Still serving gambling suspension retired
Transcript from Harry Caray's interview of Michael Jordan: 
Harry Caray: "Hey! We're talking to Michael Jordan, former basketball king of Chicago. Michael, tell me, that's a heck of a turtleneck you've got on. Where did you get it?"
Michael Jordan: "Uh, well, the team just provided it for me ..."
HC: "How about that! An authentic Cubs turtleneck! Michael, how do you feel about the Cubs' chances this year?"
MJ: "Harry, I'm playing for the White Sox. Come on, we went over this."
HC: "Ha! Well, that would explain why I'm wearing all this black. And here I thought I was at President Truman's funeral!"
MJ: "But Truman's been dead for years ..."
HC: "Hey, Michael! What's the most hot dogs you've eaten in a single sitting? I once ate 14, myself. I was so sick that night, I slept on the bathroom floor in a woman's robe. That's why my friends call me Frankfurter."
MJ: (Stares slack-jawed in disbelief)
HC: "Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next week when I'll challenge Frank Thomas to a bout of Greco-Roman wrestling. Cubs win! Cubs win!"

Michael Jordan, 1995 Upper Deck Electric Diamond (Air Jordan Week No. 4)

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Graffiti would help its value
Key 1990-91 stat: Shirt half tucked in
A question for His Airness: What's the most popular feature of "Michael Jordan's Playground"?

A) The dirty, apparently bullet-pocked backboard
B) The graffiti wall, which was later used in a "Cosby Show" intro
C) The camera guy in a pink shirt, who got beat up more than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
D) Jordan himself, who would play 8-year-olds one-on-one at full speed, crushing their souls like peanut shells
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Bull excrement
Key 1992-93 stat: Was very excited to score two more points
Random thoughts from fans in the background:

• Guy in red sweater, right third of card, about five rows from bottom: "Great, there he goes again. He's just too fast! I mean, you take your eyes off him for just a second and he's gone. Stupid popcorn guy — slow down already!"
• Woman in yellow top, about four rows above guy in red sweater: "Yes! Here comes the popcorn guy!"
• Guy in red coat, very left of card, about knee-level with Jordan: "Wait, wait. Who wears a red blazer to a basketball game? Who am I, Craig Sager?"
• Guy in bottom left of card. You'll know him when you see him: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Upper Deck Game Faces (Air Jordan Week No. 2)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Yellow
Key 1992-93 stat: One Photoshop lesson
Welcome to Jordan Week: In honor of the NBA finally getting its rhymes-with-wit together and starting a season this Sunday, we present a week full of mistakes basketball cards featuring the best hoops player of all time, His Airness, Michael Jordan. We've been trying to be like Mike since grade school, but have only succeeded so far in sticking our tongues out and losing a lot of money by gambling.
A handful of titles for this, um, artistic card:

• It's Always a Sunny Basketball in Chicago
• Ferris Bueller's Day of Getting Dunked On
• Chicago Dope
• The Bulls Brother
• MJ's O Face
• The Armpit That Ate Chicago

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Tribune Headliners (NBA Finals Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan

Team: Chicago Bulls

Positions: Shooting guard, in the air

Value of card: A smudge of newspaper ink

Key 1990-91 stat: One more failing newspaper

10 other headlines from this moment of the 1991 Finals:

10) Jordan scores, Lakers just stand around

9) Jordan somehow makes it past Divac's armpit stench

8) 1991: The year of the Bulls and short-shorts

7) NBA Hoops photographer too lazy to get front-facing shot

6) Jordan scores, gets felt up by Divac

5) Bald wins, beard loses

4) Three black dudes, one white dude can't stop black dude

3) Oh my god, there's a floating hand on the right!

2) Jordan overcomes yellow fever

1) Jordan, Bulls win first NBA title as Johnson stands erect

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Tribune Headliners (NBA Finals Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Michael Jordan

Teams: Chicago White Sox, Chicago Bulls

Positions: Batting practice bum, guard

Value of card: Blackjack!

Key 1990 stat: Blackjack!

10 reasons Michael Jordan isn't a baseball player:

10) He wears a dress belt with baseball pants.

9) He double-dribbles on groundouts.

8) It's hard to stick out your tongue and take a Red Man.

7) Blackjack!

6) He sings every time he swings (see above).

5) Charlie Sheen requires too much time in underwear-modeling sessions.

4) There's nothing exciting about a "sacrifice dunk."

3) In batting practice, "nothing but net" isn't a good thing.

2) Scottie Pippen prefers badminton.

1) "Error" Jordan isn't a good nickname.

Michael Jordan, 1991 Upper Deck