Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mark Clear
Team: Los Angeles Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 shards of broken, cloudy glass
Key 1980 stat: 114 times heckled with the name "Crystal"
A translucent view: We've seen awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball cards before, but we've never seen one quite this good. Yes, this card is awesome because the subject is wearing an umpire's shirt with an Angels logo ironed on. And, yes, his boiler is folded over his cummerbund. But as ridiculous as the mustache and mullet look, there's no getting past that name — that seemingly impossibly perfect name — that's emblazoned at the bottom of a card featuring an awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball card. Is this one of Donruss' worst cards ever? Clearly, it is.

Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Name: Colin Charland
Team: Palm Springs Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Six ounces of those little charred bits you have to scrape off the barbecue
Key 1987 stat: Made his own hat
California Angels scouting report on prospect Colin Charland: "Needs to work on curve, changeup, growing eyebrows. ... If baseball doesn't work out, he can always go back to middle school. ...  Geez, we really need to pitch in for some new uniforms down in Palm Springs. ... Says his favorite food is pizza. Fitting, since that's what his face looks like, too. ... His fastball sits in the low 90s. He, himself, usually sits alone in the cafeteria at lunch. ... The sky's the limit for this kid      especially once he starts his second career as a flight attendant."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Colin Charland, 1988 TCMA

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Million-dollar smile
Key 1990 stat: One attempted steal (of your girlfriend)
Dave Winfield's dating profile, circa 1990:

Screen name: WinfieldOfDreams_12
Age: 39
Height: 6' 6"
Weight: 220 pounds (all muscle, baby)
Hair color: Black
Hairstyle: Awesome
Ethnicity: Minnesotan, originally
Want children? I could use a bat boy
Best feature: These pearly whites
Smoke? The occasional fastball
Drink? Gatorade
Religion: I believe in Angels

Seeking: The ladies
Location: Los Angeles? Anaheim? Orange County? One of those
Her body type: Beach bod
Her ethnicity: Tanned


About me: Hey girl, Winny here. After too many seasons in the cold (and cold-heartedness) of New York, I'm back in SoCal, ready to heat things up. Once you're done getting lost in my eyes, drop me line, and we'll see if you can help me work on my power stroke. After all, my jersey may say I'm an Angel, but I'm a real demon once the lights go out. Rrrowwrrr!

Dave Winfield, 1991 Upper Deck

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Name: "Gary Pettis"
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 plucked nose hairs
Key 1984 stat: One stand-in at the photo shoot
It's time for an angelic pop quiz:

What's "Gary Pettis" pointing at?

(A) His sixth-grade classmate.
(B) A handful of teammates making fun of this pose.
(C) Someone else with freakishly huge hands.
(D) He's not pointing; he's using the wrong finger to signal his dissatisfaction with this card.
(E) All of the above.

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Name: Steve Renko
Team: Um, Angels, we think
Position: Pitcher. Yeah, must be pitcher.
Value of card: It's clear it's worthless
Key 1981 stat: 17 double-jointed tricks
Acute vision: Let's take a moment to salute Fleer. The card company wasn't afraid to take a risk in 1982. When other companies were worrying about giving collectors cards that were in focus, Fleer made a point not to bend to expectations. The brass at the card company knew a gem when they had one, and they wouldn't let such trivial things as common sense or the minimal standards of photography get in their way. Conventions and clarity be damned, they said. Because they knew that when they had a bulge shot like this, they had to get it in the hands of as many collectors as possible.

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Jim Fregosi
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: The yellow stitching from the halo in a sweat-soiled Angels hat
Key 1980 stat: 22 gold chains worn underneath jersey
It's time for a batting-practice pop quiz:

What has Angels manager the late Jim Fregosi so enraptured?

(A) He looked to his right and saw a man with more bodacious sideburns than his, and that man was an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(B) He looked to his right and saw a real angel, and that angel told him he should be an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(C) He looked to his right and saw a man dressed like Elvis Presley with an angel's halo and wings, and that man told him to keep growing his bodacious sideburns.
(D) He looked to his right and saw his reflection in a mirror, and thought, "Geez, I'm an Angel with Elvis Presley sideburns."
(E) All of the above.

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bert Blyleven
Team: California Angels
Position: Starter
Value of card: 28 grains of sand
Key 1990 stat: 1,932 hairs in beard
Top 10 things Bert Blyleven has fun doing at the beach:
10) He sunbathes, dressed in only a beard.
9) He struts around and asks all the bikini-clad chicks if they've made it to third base with a Hall of Famer.
8) He takes kids' beach balls, kneels down and laughs about it.
7) Rather than kicking sand in nerds' faces, he full-windup pitches it at them.
6) He makes a sand Angel.
5) He leads a wave.
4) He goes topless and shows off his jockstrap "bikini."
3) Secretly, he spikes the ocean with booze and tells everyone to drink up.
2) He spends hours on his sandbeard.
1) He catches crabs.

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Tim Salmon, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Tim Salmon
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Fish guts
Key 1994 stat: Zero eggs fertilized
It's time for another Wiki Entry: Salmon is the common name for several species of fish one player in the family Salmonidae Angels. Several other fish Another player in the same family are is called Trout; the difference is often said to be that Salmon migrate is retired and Trout are resident is a phenom, but this distinction does not strictly hold true did not help the Angels this past season. Salmon are intensively produced in aquaculture backseats of cars in many a few parts of the world. Typically, Salmon are anadromous injured: they are born in fresh water healthy, migrate to the ocean baseball, then return to fresh water to reproduce the hospital for surgery. Folklore has it that the fish Salmon returns to the exact spot where they were he was born to spawn; tracking studies have shown this to be true, and this homing behavior has been shown to depend on olfactory memory, which is pretty disgusting.

Tim Salmon, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Myers
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth ... LOOK OUT!
Key 1992 stat: 47 tosses of ... DUCK!
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Orange County Register in 1993: "California Angels catcher and mustache idol Greg Myers, center, demonstrates why it's not wise to replace your pine tar with Crisco even if you do use the all-vegetable shortening as gel for your unruly mullet — which, he says, the Southern California ladies love — because your bat could fly into the stands in a game against the Oakland A's and ricochet off a 3-year-old girl, a Republican National Committee fundraiser and an Armenian immigrant, turning at least one of them into an angel of the religious variety on Wednesday in Anaheim, Calif."

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Brian Downing, 1979 Topps

Name: Brian Downing
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A number the shape of a halo
Key 1978 stat: Two wings on an Angel (in his hair, not on his back)
It's time for a Southern California pop quiz:

Why, in god's name, does Brian Downing the Angel wear slightly shaded glasses?

(A) The good Lord came down from the heavens and blessed Downing's regular glasses with a holy light-brown tint.
(B) A supernatural being worshipped by hundreds of millions of people spoke to the Angels catcher in a dream and told him, "Brian, thou must look nerdier."
(C) The one all-knowing, all-powerful God shot lightning bolts through his fingers from his perch in the heavens down to the Earth, splintering a vast forest full of trees whose collective cloud of dissipating bark covered much of Southern California, including Downing's glasses.
(D) The omnipotent Providence bestowed shining white teeth and sun-bleached golden locks upon Brian Downing, an Angel, as part of His master plan to send Downing to Earth among the mortals to perform miracles and inspire His followers to perform good deeds in an effort to one day make it to heaven, where all angels wear glasses the color of Dr. Pepper vomit.
(E) All of the above.

Card courtesy of Douglas Corti

Brian Downing, 1979 Topps

Billy Cowan, 1972 Topps

Name: Billy Cowan
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: In heaven, earthly goods hold no value; this card, on the other hand, holds no earthly value on Earth
Key 1971 stat: Four hours, 15 minutes setting up the perfect shot
Take a bow, Topps; take a bow: Well look what you've done. You're fabulous, aren't you? Just look how clever you are. Let us be the first to congratulate you on being the wittiest baseball card company in the world. Sure, it took 41 years for someone to tell you you're the best, but we care. We care, deeply. We care so deeply, in fact, that we're going to help you out with your little joke: We drew wings on Cowan's back, covered him in silken robes and surrounded him in an ethereal glow. Here you go. Congratulations again.

Billy Cowan, 1972 Topps

Rex Hudler, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rex Hudler
Team: California Angels
Positions: Second base, outfield
Value of card: 180 pounds of crazy
Key 1994 stat: One restraining order filed against him by a pole
Well, that explains it: Baseball players are notorious pranksters. They leave chewing gum bubbles on teammates' hats, they cover each other in shaving cream after big performances, and they're prone to the occasional hotfoot. But the Angels got really crazy in late 1994, when they covered a dugout pole with Super Glue, attached to it a photo of Chuck Finley's soon-to-be-wife, Tawny Kitaen, and told the gullible Rex Hudler that it was really her and that she wanted to make out with him. Hudler literally jumped at the chance, wrapping his limbs around the post, only to realize too late that he had been hung out to dry. He soon began yelling at teammates, fans and the Topps photographer, demanding that he and his two-dimensional lady-friend be cut free.

Rex Hudler, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Name: Mike Fetters
Team: California Angels
Position: Reliever
Value of card: 16 sunflower speeds, spit out of Mike Fetters' mouth
Key 1991 stat: Zero innings pitched
Let's take a look at Mike Fetters, by the numbers:

0: Appearances during 1991 season
162: Games spent sitting in the dugout
1,458: Innings spent sitting in anger in the dugout
29,160: Approximate number of minutes spent sitting in the dugout in anger about his lack of playing time
68,448: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Doug Rader
76,901: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Buck Rodgers, who replaced manager Doug Rader after 124 games in 1991 mainly because his name was much cooler
127,811: Murderous thoughts about Topps executives after seeing this card
1,982,905: Murderous thoughts about the talentless hacks behind this baseball card blog after seeing this lackluster post

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Name: Garret Anderson
Team: California Angels
Positions: Outfield, pitchman
Value of card: Coupon for 1 percent off at shuttered Athlete's Foot
Key 1991 stat: 229 self-portraits
Transcript from Los Angeles-area late-night TV Nike Jordan commercial, circa 1992: "Hello, L.A. Garret Anderson here, for Nike Jordan athletic gear. When you want to dress to impress, get fitted for the gym and the club, there's no better brand than Nike Jordan. I wear Jordan wherever I go. In fact, I like Jordan so much I'm not getting paid for this commercial. Actually, Nike and MJ himself have no idea I'm doing this ad. Um ... to be honest ... um ... I'm shooting this in my parents' basement wearing my dad's Adidas workout pants. Well, I might as well come clean: This isn't even my shirt, and I might get sued for airing this commercial. But that won't stop me from saying: When you want to catch real air, pick Jordan."

Garret Anderson, 1992 Bowman

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Name: Troy Percival
Team: California Angels
Position: Closer
Value of card: 16 blades of grass (dead and dried)
Key 1991 stat: One pair of jeans owned
Transcript from Los Angeles-area TV commercial, circa 1992: "Howdy, sports fans. I'm Troy Percival of the California Angels, and I wear Black Jeans. Why Black Jeans? Because nothing makes you look hotter and keeps your goods sweatier than Black Jeans. You can wear Black Jeans with just about anything, even an atrocious blue T-shirt with buttons. Boom. Black Jeans. Say you're at the mall and some other guy is wearing bluejeans. Guess what? He's a sucker. You're wearing Black Jeans and all the girls want you. Boom. Like to wear your mom's watch? Boom. You look more like a man if you wear your mom's watch while you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Have a crazy-dope flat top? It's crazier and doper when you're wearing Black Jeans. Boom. Remember: The whitest dudes on the block wear Black Jeans. Boom."

Troy Percival, 1992 Bowman

Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil

Name: Rick Hirtensteiner
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: All the gold foil left in the abandoned Bowman factory
Key 1991 stat: Nine seasons before syndication
Rick Hirtensteiner could be Jerry Seinfeld's twin brother; here are some of Hirtensteiner's jokes from his critically panned standup routine:

• What's the deal with gold foil? I mean, I thought foil was supposed to be silver. We're not in a competition. This isn't the Olympics. Silver foil should be fine. It's fine.
• What's the deal with those little buttons on shirt collars? You never unbutton them. They're smaller than the other buttons. Do they have button envy? Do they sit in bed and think, "One day, I'll be on the front of the shirt, where I'll serve a real purpose in life?" I mean, c' ... mon.
• What's the deal with Sears portraits? I mean, what, you're buying a fridge or a chain saw and a light bulb in the light bulb department goes on, and you're like, "I need a cheesy photo of myself against a sky-blue background to hand out to all my friends." No one does that. (shakes head) Who does that? 
• What's the deal with baseball cards? I mean, they're thin pieces of cardboard, with men on them. So other men want to collect pictures of men they don't know? You wouldn't see a man collecting pictures of doctors or engineers. No one wants tiny rectangular pictures of doctors, so why do they want tiny rectangular pictures of athletes? I mean, let's get serious people.

Rick Hirtensteiner, 1992 Bowman Foil

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Kenny G cassette tape
Key 1993 stat: Zero notes played in tune
Top 10 cover bands Chuck Finley pretended he formed:
10) Van Flailin'
9) Bruce Swingsteen and the E-3 Band
8) Ice T-ball
7) Rage Against the Pitching Machine
6) Pink Cliff Floyd
5) System of a Rundown
4) The Uncle Charlie Daniels Band
3) Yo La Swingo
2) The Who's On First
1) ... And You Shall Know Us By the Trail of Tobacco Spit

Chuck Finley, 1994 Upper Deck

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Name: Chuck Finley
Team: California Angels
Position: Ace
Value of card: The hair left in Finley's comb
Key 1990 stat: 3,000 hours of rock
10 names for Chuck Finley's hair band:
10) Motley 'Do
9) Chin Music
8) Suicide Squeeze
7) The Cowhide Grippers
6) Def Lefty
5) The Tawny Kitt-ens
4) Damn Yankees Hitters
3) Twisted Pitcher
2) Guns N' Mullets
1) The Hair Angels

Chuck Finley, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 36)

Danny Buxbaum, 1997 Bowman

Name: Danny Buxbaum
Team: Midland Angels
Position: First base
Value of card: Unfulfilled potential
Key 1997 stat: One awkward pose
A minor pop quiz:

What is Danny Buxbaum reaching out to catch?

A) A clean hat
B) A razor, hopefully
C) A wristband that will cover his entire forearm
D) A bus ticket back down to single-A
E) A more believable last name

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Danny Buxbaum, 1997 Bowman

Jimmie Reese, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 6)

Name: Jimmie Reese
Team: California Angels
Position: We'll get to that in a minute
Value of card: One adult undergarment, used
Key 1990 stat: Two broken hips
We're stumped: CH? What, exactly, is this old-timer's position?

A) Cretaceous hitter
B) Cranky hombre
C) Comatose (in an) hour
D) Cremation happens
E) Certainly historic
F) Chronic hemorrhoids
G) All of the above, and so much more

Jimmie Reese, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 6)