Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling      just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jeff Montgomery
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Closer
Value of card: A fifth of Winner's Cup Vodka
Key 1988 stat: 387 evil stares
It's time for a hateful pop quiz:

What has made Jeff Montgomery so angry?

(A) He's enraged about being named after the capital of Alabama.
(B) He's furious about having a unibrow when he scrunches his face in fury.
(C) He's outraged about being associated in any way with Donruss.
(D) He's irate about being pictured with a scowl on his face even though he's a happy-go-lucky chum.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Jeff Montgomery, 1989 Donruss

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Name: Dave Stewart
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Whatever Stew says
Key 1981 stat: 451 people intimidated
It's time for a serious pop quiz:

Would you mess with Stew?

(A) No.
(B) Hell no.
(C) Absolutely not.
(D) For the love of god, no.
(E) (runs away)
(F) All of the above

Dave Stewart, 1982 Donruss

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two blue squares
Key 1989 stat: No curse-laden rants in front of the media
Ozzie Guillen's reaction after seeing this Diamond King for the first time: "What is this? What the (expletive) is this? Is this a (expletive) joke? Look at this piece of (expletive)! Is that suppose to be my face? Does this mother(expletive) artist think I had a (expletive) stroke, or did he make one half of my beautiful face sag for no good (expletive) reason? You got to be (expletive) kiddin' me! And what is that stupid (expletive) background? I could draw something (expletive) better than that (expletive) by eating a box of (expletive) crayons and (expletive) them out of my (expletive) on a blank (expletive) canvas! Those colors make me want to (expletive) puke all over the (expletive) floor. What is that (expletive) blue thing supposed to be? Part of the (expletive) state of Kentucky? A (expletive) tear in the space-time (expletive) continuum? No (expletive) way. No chance. Who would buy this (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive)."

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Lloyd Moseby, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Lloyd Moseby
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $5 off your next anger management therapy session
Key 1986 stat: Leered at 72 different artists
Too bad, so sad: Look, we get it. Yes, we've posted so many atrocious, god-awful, dreadful, horrendous, and disturbing Donruss Diamond Kings that we had to apologize for it. But you know what, all six of you constant readers? We could never be as sorry as these baseball illustrations. So, too bad, here comes another week of the worst Dick Perez has to offer.
Diamond King divination: In many ways, this is a typical Donruss Diamond King. Here we have Lloyd Moseby, an above average, if unspectacular, baseball player. The painted backdrop of the card has absolutely nothing to do with the sport, instead featuring a solid block of magenta, on the right, that is apparently being refracted by Moseby's head into every color known to man, on the left. There are the requisite two versions of Moseby here, of course      the larger version featuring his face (not to mention several different skin tones) and the smaller version that looks absolutely nothing like him. But what makes this card special? It's the disgusted look on Moseby's face, which just happens to be the same exact expression made by anyone who found this gem in a freshly opened pack of cards. Way to predict the future, there, Mr. Perez!

Lloyd Moseby, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Name: Gorman Thomas
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One hateful scowl
Key 1978 stat: Voted most luxurious hair in the greater Milwaukee area
Clearing up some rumors about Gorman Thomas:

• Gorman Thomas was not constantly angry. He just lacked the facial muscles needed to smile.
• Gorman Thomas was not afraid to show some skin. He was afraid to wear any color except blue, however.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in fact, know what a "Gorman" was either.
• Gorman Thomas did not, in his later years, intentionally begin to resemble a St. Bernard dog. But he did wear a barrel of booze around his neck at times.
• Gorman Thomas' hair was not more impressive than his baseball talent. His ability to eat pickled eggs, however, was legendary.

Gorman Thomas, 1979 Topps

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Name: Mario Soto
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Soto? More like so low.
Key 1981 stat: Signed name as "Mario Sota" every third time just to mess with people
Clearing up some rumors about Mario Soto:

• Mario Soto was not angry in the above photo. He was just straining all of his head and face muscles under the weight of all that hair.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, refuse to call his undershirt in this picture a "turtleneck." He instead called it an "afrosweater."
• Mario Soto did not use bobby pins to keep his hat atop his head. He used Superglue.
• Mario Soto did not have a family of robins living in his hair. It was just a single robin who was afraid of commitment.
• Mario Soto did, in fact, use his afro to once catch a line drive. He also used it to catch taxis, trout, the attention of ladies and, one time, the clap.

Mario Soto, 1982 Topps

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Name: Dick Davis
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Take the number of letters in his first name and divide by 4. That's the value in cents.
Key 1980 stat: Four ounces of cheese in beard
Clearing up some rumors about Dick Davis:

• Dick Davis did not have a gold tooth. That's actually foil from the entire, still-wrapped package of Rolos he just stuffed in his mouth.
• Dick Davis was not angry about having his picture taken. He was angry about not having any more Rolos.
• Dick Davis was not a defensive liability. He was a defensive irresponsibility.
• Dick Davis was not the forerunner to Fernando Rodney's style of hat-wearing. He'd just been sleeping in his full uniform again.
• Dick Davis' photos was not the worst one in the 1981 Topps set. This one was.

Dick Davis, 1981 Topps

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Name: Bruce Armstrong
Team: New England Patriots
Position: Tackle
Value of card: $1 if you can wrestle that earring away from Armstrong
Key 1990 stat: 2,716 hours spent playing "Street Fighter II"
It's time for The Caption, which may have run in a Boston-area newspaper circa 1991, maybe: "Bruce Armstrong, above, practices his best hadoken after playing 'Street Fighter II' for 11 straight hours and always picking Ken as his character and cheesing by only using the hadoken despite his friends telling him he was a cheater and he should pick a different player or, at least, use a different move, all while Armstrong should have been attending practice with the New England Patriots in Boston, Mass., on Thursday."

Bruce Armstrong, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 42)

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Name: John Randle, aka "Runaway Train"
Team: Minnesota Spikings
Positions: Defensive line, locomotive
Value of card: A lump of coal in the caboose
Key 1994 splat: Went around making "choo-choo" noises even when not wearing the costume
The first two verses of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train," tailored in honor of this absurd card and the great John Randle:

Call me up in the middle of the night / Want me to wear a helmet with a light
I got there with my anger burning / There's some fools who could use a little learning

So much makeup that I couldn't even see / What the hell are they putting on me?
Iron pads with rivets in the seams / A metal boot that's shooting out some steam

It seems no one can help me now / Can't turn my head / There's no way out
I really want to punch someone in the face

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this makeup artist's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

Now this guy is telling me to smile / He's telling me I should relax for a while
He can't hear me through this facemask / I'm telling him I'm gonna kick his ass

Oh no! Tin gloves that are yellow! / I know my temper's gonna blow
Here I come just to dole out some pain / How dare you laugh at this Runaway Train

Metal shavings in my eye / I hate this day / I want to die
Gears glued on my head? I just can't believe it

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this photographer's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Name: Carlos Hernandez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One dead leaf
Key 1992 stat: 14 fights broken up
Time for The Caption, which may have run in a Los Angeles-area paper in 1992, probably: "Dodgers catcher Carlos Hernandez attempts to hold back home plate umpire Jerry Layne after Layne spotted Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda eating Layne's dinner in the dugout. Lasorda reportedly broke into the umpiring crew's dressing room after overhearing Layne describe the carne asada super burrito he had picked up at a local taqueria and then put in the fridge. Lasorda refused to apologize for the culinary theft, saying, 'If he wanted it so bad, he should have pounded it before the game. That's what I did with my platter of ziti!' "

Carlos Hernandez, 1993 Leaf

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: 11 teeth broken with a hammer
Key 1995 stat: 54 threats to photographer demanding this card be ripped to shreds
10 reasons Roger Clemens is a jerk:
10) Just look at this guy.
9) He worked at a soda stand.
8) He's not; the turtleneck is squeezing his neck so tight it's just making him look like one.
7) He ate the photographer shortly after this picture was taken.
6) He looked at your sister that way.
5) Ask Mike Piazza.
4) He stole that turtleneck from Hall of Fame pitcher Warren Spahn.
3) He strangled that poor ball to death.
2) He chewed out his dentist — with his teeth!
1) He was asked to smile politely before this photo was taken.

Roger Clemens, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 4)

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Name: Mike Fetters
Team: California Angels
Position: Reliever
Value of card: 16 sunflower speeds, spit out of Mike Fetters' mouth
Key 1991 stat: Zero innings pitched
Let's take a look at Mike Fetters, by the numbers:

0: Appearances during 1991 season
162: Games spent sitting in the dugout
1,458: Innings spent sitting in anger in the dugout
29,160: Approximate number of minutes spent sitting in the dugout in anger about his lack of playing time
68,448: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Doug Rader
76,901: Murderous thoughts about Angels manager Buck Rodgers, who replaced manager Doug Rader after 124 games in 1991 mainly because his name was much cooler
127,811: Murderous thoughts about Topps executives after seeing this card
1,982,905: Murderous thoughts about the talentless hacks behind this baseball card blog after seeing this lackluster post

Mike Fetters, 1992 Topps

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps

Name: Warren Brusstar
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three gold-star stickers with the sticky worn off
Key 1978 stat: 12 gloves played with (under the covers)
It's time for a late-1970s pop quiz:

In what ways does Warren put the "star" in Brusstar?

(A) His chest hair throws a 92-mph, hard-breaking slider.
(B) His afro never met a hat it couldn't push into orbit.
(C) His blue-eyed, steely stare forced Phillies management to alter the team's uniform colors.
(D) His unbridled anger forced a shoddy blog to rerun a mediocre baseball card of him.
(E) All of the above.

Warren Brusstar, 1979 Topps