Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Name: Dean McAmmond
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Left wing
Value of card: Deer crap
Key 1998-99 stat: 14 citations from the Canada Fish and Wildlife Department
Oh deer: Always a loner and an oddball, Dean McAmmond would spend his time away from the rink attempting to find acceptance within a herd of deer. He would start by tracking the animals on his snowmobile, and would slowly gain their trust until he could hand-feed them. McAmmond would rummage for grass under the snowpack and would  attempt to protect the young from wolves. His adventure ended swiftly, though, after he was gored in the arm by antlers while fighting a rival buck for mating rights.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dean McAmmond, 1998-99 Upper Deck Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 7)

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Name: Jim Lyttle
Team: Hiroshima Toyo Carp
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Carp crap
Key 1978 stat: Kept telling his buddies he had signed with the Reds and had the helmet to prove it
Fun facts about Jim Lyttle and actual carp:

• Carp are an oily freshwater fish native to Europe and Asia. Lyttle was an oily ballplayer who moved to Asia to get fresh with the ladies.
• Some carp species have a large hump along their backs. With a sweet mustache like his, you know Lyttle did a lot of humping back in his day.
• Types of carp include goldfish and koi. Lyttle's glasses resemble an aquarium.
• Many families eat carp in some parts of the world. Lyttle's play was so poor, he had a hard time feeding his family.
• Several species of carp are considered invasive species, and millions of dollars are spent trying to control them. Lyttle's body odor was considered invasive, and dozens of teammates tried to make him shower more often.

Jim Lyttle, 1979 TCMA Japanese Pro Baseball

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 2 ounces of seabird excrement
Key 1993 stat: 3 gallons of seawater drank
A stoner explains what's going on with this card: "Dude, pass that, man. Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, yeah. I was just about to start. Yeah. I got it, bro. Jeez. So, you're, like, looking at this guy, Rick Mir-ir-er or something. How do you say his name? Miiii-rer. Miiii-rer. Dude, if you say it slow it's hilarious. So this guy is playing football in the ocean, and his pants are all wet. ... Pass that, man. ... Dude, oh my god, man, my pants are wet, too. Did you spill that bong water on me? Oh, dude, it stinks! Bro, I'm going to barf. Hold on, pass that. ... OK, so this dude is taking a bath with a bird or something and he's looking at me and is all like, 'Hey, dude, why you looking at me take a bath with a bird, bro? That's not cool.' And he's right, man. That's not cool. Those wings are pretty cool. Dude! Great idea. Let's get some hot wings, man!"

Rick Mirer, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 2)

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Greg Maddux
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: Paint on your carpet
Key 1994 stat: One foot much smaller than the other, apparently
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: A sullen and stranded Greg Maddux waits for rescue while sitting atop a giant dirt clod rising from the ocean at the very edge of the earth. Too depressed to feed himself by trying to grab the fish jumping just inches away from him, Maddux is unaware that he is about to be pummeled by a hailstorm of baseballs as two ships shaped like gigantic Cy Young trophies sail right past him.

Greg Maddux, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Names: Ben McDonald, Ace and Max
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore Chocolate Labs
Positions: Pitcher, retrievers
Value of card: Two hearts cut in a bench
Key 1992 stat: Four bones buried in the backyard (each)
Not the sharpest tool in the shed: We here at the Bust love Ben McDonald, but he was definitely a little strange. Previously, we detailed the time he tried to talk to the president though a fake microphone. And while Ben could keep his jeans pleated like no one's business, he was certainly gullible, as evidenced by this card. He bought loose-fitting camouflage shirts, expecting to be invisible wherever he went. He purchased a whole litter of chocolate Labradors, expecting them to actually taste like chocolate. And when he found out Baltimore's team was actually called the "Orioles" instead of the "Oreos," he ripped out his uniform's stitching and downed a whole package of Double Stuffs. Hey, at least he didn't eat the dogs.

Ben McDonald, 1993 Milk Bone SuperStars

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Mark Recchi
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: Two horse apples
Key 2010-11 stat: 17 failed attempts at teaching his horse how to ice skate
Here's how Mark Recchi spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Mark rose with the sun and headed down to the stables after donning traditional Western wear: a polo shirt, cargo shorts and aviator sunglasses. He then fed his favorite horse, Cupcake, oats from the cup. After a few minutes, he got jealous and began eating oats out of the cup, as well. Mark got Cupcake saddled and punished the horse for its insolence by riding it while carrying the 33-pound cup. Cupcake, never one to suffer fools, soon began bucking, throwing Mark and the cup to the ground. Mark and the cup were then taken to the hospital by ambulance, but both recovered quickly.

Mark Recchi, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Gregory Campbell
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: Six bags of dog doo-doo
Key 2010-11 stat: 13 times infested with fleas
Here's how Gregory Campbell spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Campbell woke up, chose his heaviest necklace, put on a shirt, took off his shirt, grabbed his shades and the Cup and headed to the dog park. Once there, he commandeered whatever dogs he saw and told their owners they could take photos of their pets with him and the Cup. After the police were called but before they showed up, a dog owner snapped this shot, which would later be used as evidence in the case of the shirtless creep barking up the wrong tree.

Gregory Campbell, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 4)

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Name: Fred Taylor
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Position: Running back
Value of card: About the same as the value of the Pro Bowl
Key 2008 stat: Got lei'd once
It's an All-Pro edition of The Caption: "Jacksonville Jaguars running back Fred Taylor is greeted Sunday at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu by Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville, the only other being in Hawaii     including the visiting NFL players and coaches     that was aware that the Jaguars are an actual football team."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:

• Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
• Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
• Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
• Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
• Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Name: Kenny Stabler
Team: Oakland Raiders (a long, long time ago)
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 28 pieces of snakeskin
Key 1991 stat: Seven continents on his pants
Kenny Stabler's nickname was "The Snake"; here are some other nicknames fans could have assumed he went by after looking at this card:

• Kenny "The Hammer Pants" Stabler
• Kenny "The Mock Turtleneck" Stabler
• Kenny "The Laughable Sports Card" Stabler
• Kenny "The Doc Brown Haircut from 'Back to the Future'" Stabler
• Kenny "The Phallic Reference" Stabler
• Kenny "Jake 'The Snake' Roberts" Stabler

Kenny Stabler, 1992 Pro Line Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 38)

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Name: Jake Plummer
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Positions: Quarterback, snake charmer
Value of card: An ounce of dead reptile skin
Key 1997 stat: His pro home field was the same as his college home field
Five things we can discern from the above photo:

• Jake Plummer was a Grade-A dork.
• Jake Plummer cut his own hair.
• Jake Plummer spent a lot of time on the ground, during games and otherwise.
• Jake Plummer should not have listened to the Topps photographer.
• Jame Plummer liked to be asphyxiated while "petting his python."

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Names: Nolan "The Gentleman Rancher" Ryan, Horse
Teams: Texas Rangers, The Stable
Positions: Ace, Saddled
Value of card: Two unlucky horseshoes
Key 1990 stat: 1,211 rides together
It's time for a Texas-size edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Covered in flies (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Sometimes wears a saddle in bed (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Still participates in the occasional rodeo (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Often craps in a field (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Favorite TV show is "Mr. Ed" (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Shoes attached to feet with nails (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Often eats from a feedbag (Winner: Tie)

Score: Ryan 0, Horse 0, Ties 7

Synopsis: It's not often there's a tie in The Matchup, but it's not often two individuals share such similar characteristics. In the end, neither Ryan nor Horse could gallop away into the sunset with a victory.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Name: Marco Coleman, aka "Cobra"
Team: Miami Dol-skins
Positions: Defensive end, slithering on his stomach
Value of card: Two snake hands, despite, of course, snakes not having hands
Key 1993 splat: 2,819 scales (he weighs himself a lot)
"Cobra" Coleman describes fellow members of Cobra Command:

Cobra Commander: "Fun guy. Great on the barbecue. Once made this stuffed pork loin. Delish. I did prefer the helmet to the hood. And around the ladies, the guy was a bit of a snake."

Destro: "This guy, he has a steely resolve. His meddle: unquestionable. He has an iron will. A platinum-level human being, no doubt. And his head looks like an aluminum beer can."

Baroness: "Ooh, baby. Let me tell you something, son. This chica is on fire. She has body karate — and real karate. Word on the street is she and Destro got something going on. Well they didn't last night, playa."

Doctor Mindbender: "Egghead. Dork. Nerd. Dweeb. Geek. Goober."

Storm Shadow: "He may be a ninja, but that hooded uniform he started wearing veered a bit too close to a certain triple-letter group, if you know what I mean."

Marco Coleman, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 5)

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Name: Hardy Nickerson, aka "Hyena"
Team: Tampa Slay Buccaneers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Fleas
Key 1994 splat: Watched "The Lion King" 32 times in preparation for this shoot
Fun facts about Hardy "Hyena" Nickerson and real hyenas:

• Hyenas are primarily nocturnal animals, but may leave their lairs in the early morning. Nickerson was also primarily nocturnal, though he rarely left his "lair," also known as his parents' basement.
• Hyenas have a reputation for scavenging food that has been killed by other animals. Nickerson had a reputation for stealing his teammates' lunches from the fridge.
• Some hyena traits are similar to those of dogs, while others are more cat-like. Nickerson definitely looks more like a puss in this photo.
• Hyenas groom themselves often and have a cat-like way of licking their genitals. Nickerson rarely groomed himself, but did try repeatedly to accomplish the other thing.
• Hyenas are known for their calls that sound like human laughter. Nickerson heard plenty of laughter from many humans after this card came out.

Hardy Nickerson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 3)

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Name: Ray Childress, aka "Scarecrow"
Team: Boo-ston Oilers
Positions: Defensive line, out standing in his field
Value of card: Burned straw
Key 1994 splat: First time holding a pitchfork
Don't be scared: Welcome back, fright fans, to the greatest Bust tradition      no, not running the same old jokes into the ground, that's just our oldest tradition. Our greatest tradition is our annual Halloween Week, in which we feature seven of the spookiest sports cards ever printed and then run the same old jokes into the ground. Fair warning, though: This week will feature the last of the 1994 Monsters of the Gridiron cards, meaning Halloween Week may soon be in its grave. Now that's a scary thought.

Ray Childress's train of thought (if he only had a brain) from 4:10 to 4:12 p.m., June 4, 1994: "God, this is dumb. I mean, sure, the mask nearly made me soil myself the first time I saw it, but the rest of this outfit is terrible! Why are there birds on me? I thought scarecrows were supposed to keep birds away from the crops! Ugh, great, now this straw is starting to itch. Maybe if I use this fake pitchfork to scratch myself      NOPE! THAT'S A REAL PITCHFORK! OWWW! Lord, I need a cigarette." (Pulls out cigarette and lights a match) "Aaannnd I'm on fire. What did you do, Ray? OK, stop, drop and roll, baby, stop, drop and roll. There, it's out, thank God. The only thing dumber than lighting that match was agreeing to this stupid photo shoot in the first place."

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Tim Salmon, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Tim Salmon
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Fish guts
Key 1994 stat: Zero eggs fertilized
It's time for another Wiki Entry: Salmon is the common name for several species of fish one player in the family Salmonidae Angels. Several other fish Another player in the same family are is called Trout; the difference is often said to be that Salmon migrate is retired and Trout are resident is a phenom, but this distinction does not strictly hold true did not help the Angels this past season. Salmon are intensively produced in aquaculture backseats of cars in many a few parts of the world. Typically, Salmon are anadromous injured: they are born in fresh water healthy, migrate to the ocean baseball, then return to fresh water to reproduce the hospital for surgery. Folklore has it that the fish Salmon returns to the exact spot where they were he was born to spawn; tracking studies have shown this to be true, and this homing behavior has been shown to depend on olfactory memory, which is pretty disgusting.

Tim Salmon, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Tape two dimes to it, and it's worth 20 cents
Key 1993 stat: One mixed metaphor
We don't know, either: What do the Roaring '20s and adult male lions have in common, other than both being referenced on the above card?

A) Uhhhhh ...
B) Well, you know ...
C) Er ...
D) Roaring, I guess ...
E) Didn't Hemingway write a story about a lion or something?

Barry Sanders, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 7)