Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Name: Ricky Proehl
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three spikes from a cactus in the Arizona desert
Key 1990 stat: 18 inches of shirt tucked in
Let's take a look at Ricky Proehl, By the Numbers:

14: Inches of short-shorts
24: Inches of Spandex
34: Below-the-waist fashion choices that would have been wiser

48: Height of Michael Jordan's vertical leap
28: Height of a respectable vertical leap for a non-athlete
8: Height of Ricky Proehl's vertical leap

3: Wires it took to suspend Proehl for this card
4: Hours it took to get Proehl in the perfect position for this card
5: Pro Line executives who congratulated one another for this card
6: Collectors who still own this card

Ricky Proehl, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 40)

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Name: Jake Plummer
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Positions: Quarterback, snake charmer
Value of card: An ounce of dead reptile skin
Key 1997 stat: His pro home field was the same as his college home field
Five things we can discern from the above photo:

• Jake Plummer was a Grade-A dork.
• Jake Plummer cut his own hair.
• Jake Plummer spent a lot of time on the ground, during games and otherwise.
• Jake Plummer should not have listened to the Topps photographer.
• Jame Plummer liked to be asphyxiated while "petting his python."

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Name: Tom Banks
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Center
Value of card: One voided check from Tom's bank
Key 1977 stat: Four families of birds nested in his beard and mane
The legend behind this Tom Banks card: It was May 1977, and the Topps photography staff was scrambling. With its annual set due out in less than a month, the quality control team had realized there was no card for St. Louis Cardinals all-pro center Tom Banks. Apparently, the only photos Topps had of Banks featured quarterback Jim Hart's hands nestled comfortably against the center's nether regions. Rather than ruin Topps' reputation for high-quality, kid-friendly photography, an executive decision was made: The staff's best airbrush artist melded a photo of Santa Claus' torso with a grainy shot purportedly showing bigfoot's head, and then placed the creation on a slate gray background. Crisis averted      chalk up another victory for Topps.

Tom Banks, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 171)

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Name: Derek Hill
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 4 inches of ripped shoelace
Key 1990 stat: Eight hours of leg shaving a week
Transcript from Phoenix-area TV commercial for NFL Women's Wear, circa 1991: "Hello, ladies. I'm Derek "The Thrill" Hill, and I'm here to tell you about NFL Women's Wear, the hottest styles from the hottest sport for you, the hottest females around. NFL Women's Wear features all kinds of styles, and I'm wearing many of them right now. (camera pans slowly from head to feet) Just check out these ladies size 22 Adidas running shoes, and this comfy-omfy sweatshirt, great for curling up with that special guy in your life. And, of course, NFL Women's Wear offers the sexiest booty shorts on the market today, perfect for showing off your freshly shaved legs. Are your legs smooth enough? I know mine are? (camera pans across legs, with light gleaming off them) And our biggest seller (winks) the NFL Women's Wear thong, which I'm sporting right now. Toodles!"

Derek Hill, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 21)

Timm Rosenbach, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 14)

Name: Timm Rosenbach
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 11 cactus needles
Key 1990 stat: 17 cacti-related injuries
Timm Rosenbach is posing with a cactus; here are some other iconic Arizona symbols Rosenbach posed with:

• The Grand Canyon
• A roadrunner
• The Arizona flag
• A bolo tie
• An intense sun producing unbearable heat
• 12 shirtless, golden-brown elderly white men
• A pile of 239,975,134 grains of sand blown into town in the latest sandstorm
• An unshaven, unemployed father of two who's the victim of a stagnant economy
• An air conditioner broken from overuse
• Brandi "Grand" Canyons, a Tucson stripper at Big Al's Topless Bar
• A van full of illegal immigrants speeding away from a van full of racist government officials
• 1,012 Arizonans named Tim who spell their names properly

Timm Rosenbach, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 14)

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Name: J.T. Smith
Team: Phoenix Cardinals
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Half off gravity
Key 1991 stat: Unable to jump this high
Time for a shameful pop quiz: What's veteran receiver J.T. Smith doing in this photo?

A) Showing off his supersized jungle gym
B) Must. Stay. Off. The lava!!!
C) Trying to do a better job of defying gravity than he did of defying age
D) Making a damn fool of himself
E) C and D

J.T. Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 5)

Dan Dierdorf, 1977 Topps NFC All-Pro (Football Friday No. 112)

Name: Dan Dierdorf
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Tackle, On the John
Value of card: It ain't worth two (expletives)
Key 1976 stat: 112 pancake blocks (actually blocks of pancakes, eaten)
It's time for a crappy pop quiz:

What is Dan Dierdorf doing in this photo?

(A) Going to the bathroom.
(B) Pinching a loaf.
(C) Expelling feces.
(D) Dropping a deuce.
(E) Taking a sheez.
(F) Defecating with an ugly look on his face.
(G) Orchestrating a bowel movement.
(H) Imitating his on-air sportscasting for CBS.
(I) All of the above.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Dan Dierdorf, 1977 Topps NFC All-Pro (Football Friday No. 112)

Eric Swann, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 4)

Name: Eric "The Red" Swann
Team: Arizona Bloody Cardinals
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: That bird crap on your windshield
Key 1993 splat: Zero women "knighted"
10 insults hurled at Swann after this card came out:
10) "Your mama likes to get goosed, too!"
9) "Yo, man. That bird is having its period down your neck!"
8) "That coat of arms is Member's Only!"
7) "In an outfit like that, not even your eggs get laid!"
6) "You're not even the real Eric the Red!"
5) "Oh lord, you should have the bird tweet how stupid you look!"
4)  "Red Swann? More like lame black Swann!"
3) "That chainmail beard should be returned to sender!"
2) "A chump of feathers flocks by himself!"
1) "I deem thee, valiant knight, Sir Douche of Bag!"

Eric Swann, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 4)

Dan Dierdorf, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 42)

Name: Dan Dierdorf

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Position: Offensive tackle

Value of card: Two 99-cent cheeseburgers from a Dumpster

Key 1978 stat: 22 pancake blocks (eaten in one sitting)

It's an offensive (line) pop quiz:

Why, oh why, is Dan Dierdorf despondent?

(A) He's looking at his stomach.

(B) His bulge's width is overshadowing his bulge's length.

(C) Despite his haircut and mustache, he was cut from the Hall and Oates tribute band, Brawl and Goats.

(D) His "Dierdorf on Golf" straight-to-video instructional series was eclipsed by a smaller gentleman.

(E) He has more chins than a ... what was that joke?

(F) The Nintendo Power Glove he's wearing is too tight.

(G) His dreams are filled with Dick (Enberg). Oh my.

(H) All of the above.

Dan Dierdorf, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 42)