Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Name: Jim Jensen
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An ounce of pee-contaminated pool water
Key 1992 stat: Endless heckling after this photo
Here's what Jim Jensen stands for:

Jahoobies covered by strategically crossed arms
It's no mistake      he's really a professional athlete
Masculinity at its peak

Just like an actual dolphin, Jim makes his home underwater
Either that or he lost a bet with the photographer
Nice sunglasses-hat-necklace combo in the pool, bub
Scantily clad football players are always a treat
Equaled the number of receptions that we had in 1992
Needless to say, this guy's all wet

Jim Jensen, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 64)

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Name: Jay Baller
Team: Omaha Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: If you cut out that imperfection smudge on the left side of this card and offered it to someone on the street for a dollar, this card is worth the spit that would wind up on your face.
Key 1989 stat: 77 strikes (not strikeouts; just strikes)
Royals' scouting report on minor league prospect Jay Baller: "Says here this guy is a Baller. We have no indications of that. ... Might want to bring him to Kansas City if Omaha throws in a couple of steaks. ... Pitching skills aside, he has a real chance to make the Name Hall of Fame. ... Mustache? Baller. Mullet? Baller. Baseball skills? Not baller. ... Baller? I barely knew her! Ha! Wait, we're supposed to be evaluating this guy?"

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Jay Baller, 1990 CMC

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Name: Al Holland
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The same card, cut in half
Key 1984 stat: Zero wooden shoes worn
A piece of the puzzle: For its 1985 set, Fleer added a handful of  Superstar Specials, including this one of "superstar" Al Holland, which is actually supposed to be paired with another card from the set. Can you guess who is on the other card?

(A) Johnny Oates
(B) Joe "Oats" DeMaestri
(C) The Quaker Oats guy
(D) Lee Tunnell
(E) Wait, it actually is Lee Tunnell? Fleer went with a reference to an underground thoroughfare that touches neither Philly nor Pittsburgh instead of a solid Hall and Oates reference? Gee, it's hard to imagine why they eventually went out of business.

Al Holland, 1985 Fleer Superstar Special

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Name: Shon Ashley
Team: Stockton (Calif.) Ports
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 2 NewPorts
Key 1987 stat: 7 days spent in Stockton 1 night
Seattle Mariners' scouting report on minor-league prospect Shon Ashley: "Five-tool player. Of course, one of those tools is a hammer and another is a wrench. ... Minor-league 'stache, big-league arm hair. ... Tough to evaluate anyone in a uniform like that. ... Decent argument to bring him up just to get the poor guy out of Stockton. ... Could distract the pitcher if he actually bats like this. ... Not sure we want anyone on our team who spells 'Shon' like that."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Shon Ashley, 1988 California League All-Stars

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Honeycutt
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: This card's future is so bright, you've got to wear shades
Key 1989 stat: Zero times laughed after being called "B.J. Hunnicutt"
Assorted autographs from A's reliever Rick Honeycutt:

• "Jimmy: I'm totally checking your mom out from beneath my shades. You need a step-dad?"
• "Steph: Yes, I do think I'm better than you. Thanks for asking."
• "To Matthew: Thanks for supporting the team. I'm keeping this pen."
• "Bobby, yes, I know I can't hold Eck's jock. Why would I want to, you little freak?"
• "Sarah: No, I can't tell you why this photographer is kneeling in front of me. Ask your mother      I'm totally checking her out, too."

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Jason Bay
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken seashell
Key 2007 stat: Used this photo for his driver's license
Here's what Jason Bay stands for:

Jeez, what is he, 50? Look at those wrinkles!
Arms being held like this for only one reason:
Swamp pits
Or maybe he just doesn't know how to use a bat
None of the other Pirates did that year, after all

Bucs made a lot of headlines in the last decade
And most of them involved trading away their best players
Yes, they traded away Jason Bay, too. (Hi-yo!)

Jason Bay, 2008 Upper Deck

Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Name: Kurt Bevacqua
Team: Milwaukee Bubbles Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: See the shape of that bubble? Picture a number that's the same shape
Key 1975 stat: 467,908 pieces of Bazooka gum chewed (No, not at once.)
What an honor: Everyone, everyone, stand up and let's give Kurt Bevacqua a hand. This is something special. In a sport that holds home runs and strikeouts in high esteem, we finally get a glimpse of true talent. Here is the man whose nickname was "Dirty," who batted .236 during his 14-year career with eight teams, and who overcame adversity and other cliches to win the prestigious, the hallowed, the chewy 1975 Joe Garagiola/Bazooka Bubble Gum Blowing Championship. What does he win? How about a pair of Bazooka cardboard baseball scissors and measuring sticks, a lifetime supply of 6-year-old, granite-hard Bazooka gum and a real, military-grade bazooka? What prizes. But the real honor? Knowing no one else in baseball truly blows as much as he does.

Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Mark Dewey, 1995 Mother's Cookies

Name: Mark Dewey
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 cookie crumbs
Key 1994 stat: 14 trysts with the Cookie Monster
How do you make a Mark Dewey? Mark Dewey was a special player, and the 1995 Mother's Cookies set was a special set. When these two come together, you get a recipe for disaster.

The Mark Dewey
2 pounds unwashed mullet hair
15 ounces bent baseball cap
11 ounces arm fuzz
3 repeating Mizuno logos
2 elf ears
0 pitching talent

Mix ingredients on a mediocre team in an empty stadium. Let sit on the bench for 162 games. Spit out cookies. Throw in garbage. Repeat.

Mark Dewey, 1995 Mother's Cookies

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Name: Heath Shuler
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dirty feather
Key 1994 stat: More interceptions than touchdowns
Redskins' scouting report on draft pick Heath Shuler, circa 1994: "He bears a resemblance to John Elway, so that's gotta be worth at least a couple wins a year right there. ... As part of his contract, he wants a new bowl to use during his haircuts. ... He's really into Ace of Base. No, seriously, he carries around a sign that says "I saw the sign." It's just weird. ... At the very least, he'll lead the league in arm hair. ... This kid's got an arm like a cannon: old, rusted and obsolete. ... For his next football card, we should make him dress up in an offensive outfit."

Heath Shuler, 1994 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 108)

Shawn Boskie, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Shawn Boskie
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A dog craps on the sidewalk; you step in it in Vans; you have to get the crap on the bottom out with a toothpick; this card is worth three toothpick scrapes of that dog crap.
Key 1991 stat: Three concurrent cases of gingivitis
Time for a happy-go-lucky pop quiz:

Why is Shawn Boskie smiling so wide?

(A) He wanted to show off all six of his teeth.
(B) He heard a joke about his mother and all the holes in his jersey.
(C) He's trying to copy the shape of his massive V-neck.
(D) He was just presented with his only honor of 1991: The Arm Hair of the Year Award.
(E) None of the above.

Shawn Boskie, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Names: Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, closer
Value of card: 17 arm hairs pulled from drain
Key 1985 stat: Six shades of vomit
It's time for a San Diego special in this round of The Matchup:

Round 1: Legendary disgusting facial hair (Winner: Gossage)
Round 2: Little-known disgusting arm hair (Winner: Garvey)
Round 3: Uniform with the worst color combination in major league history (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Obvious man love (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sunday-best belts with puke uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Old-man love handles underneath throw-up uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Nickname that means a finger getting stuck in a butt (Winner: Gossage)

Score: Gossage 2, Garvey 1, Ties 4

Synopsis: It's obvious these two gentlemen have a lot in common, especially in their barf-flavored uniforms. These similarities made for an entertaining Matchup, with Goose only pulling away at the end with his nickname, which would lead you to expect the color of his index finger to match the color of his hat's side.

Steve Garvey and Goose Gossage, 1985 Fleer Super Star Special

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ounces of forearm sweat
Key 1990 stat: All buttons buttoned
The only 10 things we could find that are more hairy than Ramon Martinez's arms:
10) A lion's mane
9) Bigfoot
8) Bigfoot wearing a mohair sweater
7) St. Bernards
6) Oscar Gamble
5) Our shower drain
4) Bruce Sutter's chin
3) Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy
2) John Franco's mother
1) Ramon Martinez's back

Ramon Martinez, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 13)