Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Kurt Rambis, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Kurt Rambis
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Forward
Value of card: One laser disc copy of "Rambo III"
Key 1990-91 stat: Legs constantly at a 45-degree angle
An artistic impression of this Skybox jewel: Here we see a man in the midst of struggle. His face is taut, his body straining, his mullet drenched in grease, sweat and desperation. He struggles with anger      is it toward a colleague, an official, or perhaps his coach for sending him back to the bench? He struggles with his vision, but also with the 8-pound glasses that are meant to help him. He struggles to clothe himself, wearing shorts that were clearly designed for a boy. He struggles to move past his purple-and-gold past into an orange future, as so cleverly symbolized in those geometric shapes. And he struggles with a basketball, clearly speeding through his hand and straight toward his barely covered groin. This is man. This is struggle. This is Rambo.

Kurt Rambis, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 3)

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Name: Gale Sayers
Teams: Chicago Bears, Chicago Hippies
Position: Running back
Value of card: One broken VHS of "Brian's Song"
Key 2012 stat: Looked neither peaceful nor loving in this portrait
Catch this pop quiz: What is Gale Sayers' coat made from?

A) Peace, love and understanding
B) Big Bird's hide
C) Various spellings of the word "love"
D) Luxurious yellow shag carpeting
E) All of the above

Gale Sayers, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Football Friday No. 191)

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Name: Mickey Tettleton
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Mickey's cap (not Tettleton's hat)
Key 1989 stat: Apparently, dodged a lot of paintballs
Fun facts about Mickey Tettleton and American painter Jackson Pollock:

• Jackson Pollock was renowned for dripping paint on the canvas. Mickey Tettleton was renowned for letting the last few drops drip down his pants.
• Pollock's work has been displayed in the MoMA. Tettleton's trophies are still on display at his mom's house.
• One of Pollock's most impressive works was "No. 5 1948." Tettleton once took an impressive No. 2 after eating 1,948 doughnut holes in a day.
• Pollock's art has been the subject of much critical debate. Tettleton's play was also the subject of much criticism.
• Pollock died in 1965, and was thus spared from the ridiculous 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings subset, including this Tettleton card.

Mickey Tettleton, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: A wine stain on your carpet
Key 1993 stat: Hat two sizes too big for his head, apparently
Our interpretation of another masterpiece by the folks at Fleer: OK, so the weird miniature lightning striking the baseball obviously is representative of McDowell's electric stuff. And the smoke coming off the ball likely is indicative of what the artist was on while drawing this creation. We'll assume that the fireworks in the background are in honor of McDowell's 1993 A.L. Cy Young award. Shoot, we'll even venture that the strange twist in the front of his jersey represents his inner animal (presumably a ferret or weasel) trying to come out. But what the heck are those dramatic veins in his glove hand? Good lord, that's frightening.

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Name: Greg Minton
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven broken crayons
Key 1977 stat: 13 colors in the artist's palette
A critic's take on this fine artwork: You know it when you see it: charisma. In all its glory, before you, staring, ever so subtly, into the vast abyss of modern American life, and into your soul. This piece features one man, but it speaks to millions. The glasses, as if formed from the grill of an all-American Chevrolet. The mustache, turned downward, as our lives so often are. The teeth. Oh, those bright, brilliant teeth — they light the way into the future, a senseless but staggering future, full of possibility, crammed with ideas. Yes, ideas, the rejuvenation of existence in one simple moment. Yes, ideas, often glorious, always fleeting. Yes, ideas, the kind that sometimes — for the lucky few — are as great as this, a combination photograph and color-by-numbers executed by the next great American artist, third-grader Benny Carrasco. Fin.

Greg Minton, 1978 Topps

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Name: Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One soiled towel
Key 1993 stat: Zero appreciation of art
A literal interpretation of this candy-colored illustration: Darren Daulton, who refused to ever take off his catcher's gear or cut his hair, takes a break from his side job wiping down tiny bar stools in the land of Westeros to soothe his aching feet in a crumbling block of feta cheese while clouds of poisonous gas hover over the Matterhorn.

Darren Daulton, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 5)

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: On the Cuban black market, still nothing
Key 1989 stat: Magic Marker eyebrows
Fun facts about suspended Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen and the hideous sculpture in his team's stadium:

• The Marlins' sculpture offends people with its loud music and bright colors. Ozzie offends people with his loud mouth and not-so-bright comments.
• The Marlins' sculpture does crazy things during the team's home games. Ozzie says crazy things whenever he pleases.
• The Marlins' sculpture does its job when the team hits a home run. Ozzie's going to lose his job if the team doesn't start hitting more home runs.
• Ozzie Guillen offered praise for an oppressive dictator. The Marlins' sculpture could be considered a torture device.
• Ozzie Guillen apologized for his comments about Fidel Castro. Castro and the rest of the world are owed an apology for that outfield monstrosity.

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Bowman

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Graffiti would help its value
Key 1990-91 stat: Shirt half tucked in
A question for His Airness: What's the most popular feature of "Michael Jordan's Playground"?

A) The dirty, apparently bullet-pocked backboard
B) The graffiti wall, which was later used in a "Cosby Show" intro
C) The camera guy in a pink shirt, who got beat up more than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
D) Jordan himself, who would play 8-year-olds one-on-one at full speed, crushing their souls like peanut shells
E) All of the above

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Michael Jordan, 1990-91 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Air Jordan Week No. 3)

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: Yellow
Key 1992-93 stat: One Photoshop lesson
Welcome to Jordan Week: In honor of the NBA finally getting its rhymes-with-wit together and starting a season this Sunday, we present a week full of mistakes basketball cards featuring the best hoops player of all time, His Airness, Michael Jordan. We've been trying to be like Mike since grade school, but have only succeeded so far in sticking our tongues out and losing a lot of money by gambling.
A handful of titles for this, um, artistic card:

• It's Always a Sunny Basketball in Chicago
• Ferris Bueller's Day of Getting Dunked On
• Chicago Dope
• The Bulls Brother
• MJ's O Face
• The Armpit That Ate Chicago

Michael Jordan, 1992-93 Skybox SkyMasters (Air Jordan Week No. 1)

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Name: Rick Mirer
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One torn canvas
Key 1993 stat: No good impressions
Here's our review of this "artwork": What the hell is going on here? Is this supposed to be some sort of Monet-inspired water lily thing? And if so, then why are Mirer's head and torso clear? Trust us, we saw Rick Mirer play. There was nothing sharp about him, except the criticism he so rightly received.

Rick Mirer, 1993 Upper Deck checklist (Football Friday No. 82)

Danny Manning, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Danny Manning
Team: Los Angeles Clippers
Position: Forward
Value of card: SLAM
Key 1992-93 stat: SLAM SLAM SLAM
Baseball Card Bust's critique of the fine artwork on this card: The thing that strikes us right away is Danny Manning's nervousness. The reason behind this anxiety is clear. The fans at the bottom right, some of whom appear to be developmentally disabled, others of whom are wearing funny hats, are pressuring Manning to SLAM. Manning isn't sure what to make of this monosyllabic demand — he's confused and wary. The image of him at the bottom is symbolic of his inner reaction. He's holding the ball aloft, indicating his respect for the game, but he's also holding it loosely, indicating his lack of confidence in his abilities. The image of Manning at top shows his outer self: sweatier than a fat man in a Fourth of July 10K. All in all, this painting demonstrates both the importance of self-belief and the importance of SLAM.

Danny Manning, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 4)