Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Name: Jeff Bagwell
Team: Houston Astros
Position: First base
Value of card: 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... zero
Key 1994 stat: 96 astronauts offended
Here's a literal interpretation of the above masterpiece: Here we see Jeff Bagwell, in all his power-hitting glory, swinging as if to launch a rocket into outer space. The twist? He's hitting an actual rocket, full of tiny astronauts, carrying with it supplies for the International Space Station and the hopes and aspirations of an entire nation. The shuttle, apparently, malfunctioned, and only the mighty Bagwell could set it back on its course for great beyond, on a course for outer space — a true moonshot.

Jeff Bagwell, 1995 Fleer Pro Vision

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Name: Craig Smajstrla
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: 2 ounces of pigeon poop
Key 1989 stat: 11 bunt attempts missed
Houston Astros' scouting report on minor-leaguer Craig Smajstrla: "Some of our players need a math tutor, so this kid might work out. ... This guy's a clutch hitter for the Toros? That's a bunch of bull. ... Four-tool player: calculator, protractor, compass and pocket protector. ... Forget this guy, let's call up that batting helmet. ... Chin is big league, but we'll need to work on the rest of that face. ... Smaj, Smajst, Smajstr — hell, we don't need a player whose name sounds like toothpaste being sucked through a vacuum cleaner."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Craig Smajstrla, 1990 CMC

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A shot of Jose (not Cuervo)
Key 1984 stat: 512 bones in face, apparently
A real looker: The fear struck into the hearts of men (and women) by Jose Cruz has been previously documented on this site. Even Dick Perez was so horrified that all he could come up with for a background was a purple square. Let's review: There's the soullessness of Jose's eyes, which can bore through any skull and see the deepest fears therein. There's the rapey gaze that makes people of all genders clench their legs shut even more quickly than when they hear the word "prolapse." And then there's the monobrow, which      well, actually, that monobrow is pretty funny. Imagine being Perez and painting that thing in. If he hadn't been so terrified by the rest of Cruz's face, it probably would have been the best moment of his Donruss career.

Jose Cruz, 1985 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rich Gedman
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Gum, scraped off your shoe
Key 1990 stat: Squinted even more than he squatted
Houston, we have a pop quiz: Who is Rich Gedman impersonating in the above photo?

(A) Dieter from "Sprockets"
(B) Someone who just had one of those bats jammed where the sun don't shine
(C) A mannequin
(D) A professional baseball player
(E) None of the above      that's how he always looked

Rich Gedman, 1991 Upper Deck

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Name: Yogi Berra
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Bench coach
Value of card: "Ninety percent of the value is half of nothing," Berra said.
Key 1986 stat: 1 bench coach featured on a baseball card (all time)
Some of the leading Yogiisms that Berra used when helping coach the Astros in 1986:

• "You could observe a lot by watching this group. Well, maybe not."
• "It ain't over till it's over, unless we're talking about our World Series chances, which are over."
• "Watching this team lose is deja vu all over again."
• "Nobody comes to the Astrodome anymore. It's too crowded."
• "This team is a bunch of overwhelming underdogs. Make that underwhelming overdogs."
• "They made too many wrong mistakes."

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Names: Brandon Puffer, Jung Bong
Teams: Houston Astros, Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Even trade for a 5-sack of bammer
Key 2002 stat: 22,871 stoner fans, combined
It's time for a reefer-fueled edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Name is a marijuana reference (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Name is slang for a marijuana user (Winner: Puffer)
Round 3: Name is slang for marijuana paraphernalia (Winner: Bong)
Round 4: Inclusion on a card that had to have been an inside joke at Topps (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Career that takes a backseat to an awesome name (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Cooler-sounding full name (Winner: Bong)

Score: Bong 2, Puffer 1, Ties 3

Synopsis: In a dope Matchup that nearly went to pot, Bong smoked Puffer in the end in ironic fashion.

Brandon Puffer and Jung Bong, 2003 Topps Future Stars

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Name: Fred Gladding
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A folded-up sheet of saran wrap
Key 1971 stat: Zero fans
Fred Gladding, by the numbers:

3.13: Career ERA
3.13 percent: Chance Fred knows where he is in this photo, judging by his expression
31.3 degrees: Angle at which his crossed eyes are staring
313: Empty seats in this photo, an image that reminds us of the 2013 Astros' season
3,130: Flies caught in Gladding's open mouth during April 1972

Fred Gladding, 1972 Topps

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jim Pankovits
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Slightly lower than the intelligence in his expression
Key 1988 stat: Used bats as antiperspirant
One refined individual: Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you Jim Pankovits, a man of wisdom, class and gravity. Mr. Pankovits was renowned for his sense of self, and because of his unwavering maturity, he was looked to as a leader both on and off the field. All baseball players should strive to be more like James Franklin Pankovits, a true professional in every manner.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Houston Astros, allegedly
Position: None
Value of card: Considering it's about as rare as Dave Smith's name, not much
Key 1988 stat: Wasn't actually a professional athlete
The Legend of "Dave Smith": 1989 was Upper Deck's first year producing baseball cards, so mistakes were bound to happen. So it was that Houston Astros superfan Brian Keane ended up in the set      albeit under an alias. Keane, who had won a team contest earning him the right to sit in the Astros dugout for a spring training game, had never played an inning of baseball in his life. The Upper Deck photography team didn't know that, however. By the time the photog got to the dugout, Keane had already donned an Astros warmup jacket over his gray T-shirt. Fooled by the coat and Keane's MLB-quality mullet, the photog got some shots      of course, when it came time to match names to faces, one "player" seemed out of place. Rather than leave the man out of the set, Upper Deck workers slapped on the most generic name they could think of: Dave Smith. Keane still keeps both the card and the mullet framed in his office.

Dave Smith, 1989 Upper Deck

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Mark Portugal
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Portuguese centavo
Key 1992 stat: Seven cavities filled by the dentist
A few outtakes from Mark Portugal's autograph session:

• "Dear Andy, nice glove. It looks a lot like mine      in fact, where is my glove? Hey!"
• "To Teddy: No you can't suck on my lollipop. Buzz off, creep-o."
• "For Vince: No, I haven't actually been to Portugal. It's just my name. Please stop asking."
• "Julie, thanks for saying that I look like a less talented Kevin Costner out there. You mean in terms of acting ability, right?"
• "To Alan: Yes, I do think this is what a baseball player is supposed to look like. Now get out of here before I strangle you with my sunglasses strap."

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Deshaies
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 cent for every color in the background
Key 1989 stat: 432,186 mispronunciations of his last name
There are six colors behind Deshaies; here's what they stand for:

Purple represents royalty, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were not.
Yellow represents sunshine, of which little shone down on Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
Orange represents warmth, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros rarely received from fans.
Green represents money, which Deshaies and the rest of the Astros were said to have stolen given their performance on the field.
Red represents anger, much of which was directed at Deshaies and the rest of the Astros.
White represents purity, something this blog has never been accused of.

Jim Deshaies, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Name: Brad Ausmus
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Catcher, movie star
Value of card: Two ripped-up ticket stubs
Key 2005 stat: One firm rejection from Universal Pictures
Dino D-N-nay: Unfulfilled by his life as a Major League Baseball player, Brad Ausmus in 2005 decided to move from behind the plate to behind the camera. A longtime fan of the "Jurassic Park" film series (yes, even the third one), Ausmus wrote, directed and starred in "Jurassic Park IV: Backstop's Bounty," in which his character heads to Isla Sorna in an attempt to round up and cage the free-roaming dinosaurs still living there. Unfortunately, the film ran into budget constraints after Ausmus signed over his entire year's salary to Sam Neill so that the franchise stalwart would make a cameo appearance. Without any money for special effects or CGI, Ausmus was forced to cast Rockies mascot Dinger and a transient in a stained Barney Halloween costume to chase him around various ballparks, and had to wear his catcher's gear whenever doing his own stunt work. The film, not surprisingly, was laughed out of town by every Hollywood studio, Ausmus' teammates, and his wife. Transient Barney died two years later.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brad Ausmus, 2006 Upper Deck

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Name: Dan Coombs
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 3 yards of the material lining the outside of this card
Key 1967 stat: 14 "coombs" to run through your hair
Here's what Dan Coombs stood for:

Doorknob-thick glasses allowed him to peer into batters' minds
Acid, man — acid
Never let anyone besides himself cut his hair

Chin made of solid granite
Obscure 1960s pitcher with Hollywood glamour
Object of affection for female shop teachers everywhere
Machine-gun collection forcing us to rethink the direction of this blog post
Bit through tuna cans on teammates' dares
Squinted so hard he pushed his eyes into his sinuses

Dan Coombs, 1968 Topps

Claude Raymond, 1966 Topps

Name: Claude Raymond
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Pitcher, scientist
Value of card: "Value"? Houston, we have a problem.
Key 1965 stat: 48 minutes posing like this for Topps
The Legend of Claude Raymond: The year was 1966. The Houston Colt .45s had been renamed the Astros the previous year after the team moved into the Astrodome (not pictured; great work, Topps). Surprisingly, lush grass wouldn't grow inside a sunlight-depraved indoor stadium, so the Astros brought in German scientist Claude Raymond to create a space-age, synthetic turf for the dome, which had been pegged "the eighth wonder of the world." Raymond and his 12-pound glasses got to work on the project, and after months of toiling he showed the Astros' ownership his invention: AstroTurf, the sorriest excuse for grass the world had ever seen. But it was green, and it had "blades," so the owners loved it. As a reward, Raymond was allowed to try out for the Astros. The scientist's tryout didn't last long, however. Despite being the brains behind the turf on the ground, he always kept his eyes on the sky. Even then, he couldn't catch "popped flies," even the ones on his pants.

Claude Raymond, 1966 Topps

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Steve Finley
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Sprayed dirt
Key 1991 stat: Dressed for winter inside a dome
Here's a look at this action-packed card by the numbers:

4: Butt cheeks prominently on display
98.2: Percentage of the two bodies seen here that is covered with clothing
2: Pristine, white stirrup socks that are about to need a washin'
4: Finley was that many inches away from a broken cheekbone
0.5: Actual faces seen on this wonderful card

Steve Finley, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Bob Abreu
Team: Jackson Generals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One star, at best
Key 1994 stat: Out at third
Houston Astros 1995 scouting report on prospect Bob Abreu: "He may be a General, but he keeps showing off his privates. It's really inappropriate. ... Can't seem to match up his wristbands. He may be colorblind. ... Insists that he was the sixth member of Menudo. ... His no-look slides could use some work. ... Has a disquieting knowledge of Motel 6 locations. ... An excellent combination of power and speed. Wait, no, that's my review of the new Chevy Camaro. ... Still trying to find out his middle name, but it must start with a 'B,' because he keeps insisting that we call him 'Bob B.'"

Bobby Abreu, 1995 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

Name: Todd Jones
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One of those hairstyle books you see at Supercuts, circa 1992
Key 1991 stat: Mustache thicker than eyebrows
Today's Fashion Model: Let's take a look at fierce young fireballer Todd Jones. Yes, ladies, that is a JCPenney store brand woman's blouse Mr. Jones is daring to don in this photo. But with the help of an immaculate white undershirt and two different styles of almost-gold chains, Todd pulls it off with masculine flair. What was once a flowery top has transformed into a jungle scene befitting this future Tiger. Todd keeps the fashion flowing above the neckline, as well, sporting a month-old flat top and a pseudo-handlebar mustache with a 2-inch gap in the middle of it, both of which form a lovely color scheme with his vivacious V-neck. Todd's not afraid to push the envelope with his style sense, and we give this look our stamp of approval.

Todd Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 3)

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

 

Names: John Denny, Vern Ruhle

Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Houston Astros

Positions: Pitcher, one and all

Value of cards: What's 2 x 0?

Key 1982 stats: Zero smiles

Happy New Year: Here at the Bust, we don't often highlight two cards in one post, but when those two cards each feature the classic Topps pose known as "The Pit Stain," we figure they must be ripe for a Matchup.

Round 1: Chins (Winner: Denny      2-0, a shutout!)

Round 2: Sleeve length (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 3: Number of letters in name (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Number of first names in name (Winner: Denny)

Round 5: Crater face (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 6: Photo taken at the gates of heaven (Winner: Denny, apparently)

Round 7: Wispy facial hair (Winner: Denny)

Round 8: Ability to close mouth completely (Winner: Denny)

Round 9: Ability to look cool while doing this pose (Winner: Tie      nobody has ever managed this)

Final score: Denny 5, Ruhle 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Denny hits a grand slam (breakfast) and greases the opposition, thanks to his defined jaw line and much-less-defined mustache.

Cards suggested by Tyler Kepner

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer League Leaders

Name: Jose Cruz
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of Houston-area tap water, spit in your face
Key 1985 stat: 16 creases in one card
What a gamer! Jose Cruz led the league in these categories in 1985:

• Scary rape stares at no one in particular.
• Outfield. Yup. Outfield.
• Gargantuan Puerto Rican afros
• Indecipherable interviews with The Bust.
• Showing up to empty stadiums three hours after games ended.
• Cruz'n.
• Unfitting hats.
• Being a complete and total Astro.
• Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez look-alike contest victories.
• Cheesy, baby-blue pinstriped baseball cards.

Jose Cruz, 1986 Fleer League Leaders

Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps

Names: Kevin Bass, at left, and Billy Hatcher
Team: Houston Astros
Positions: Outfielders
Value of card: 50 cents off a new printing press for Topps
Key 1987 stat: Led the way to mediocrity
Are you ready to rumble? Too bad, we're doing a Matchup anyway.

Round 1: Fishy name (Winner: Bass)
Round 2: Fishier eyebrows (Winner: Bass)
Round 3: 3-inch-thick mustache (Winner: Bass)
Round 4: Hit .300 at some point in his career (Winner: Bass)
Round 5: Hit on more ladies at Houston-area tavern The Rusty Rocket (Winner: Bass)
Round 6: Happier to be touching his teammate's shoulder (Winner: Bass)
Round 7: Looks like a normal human being (Winner: Hatcher)

Final score: Bass 6, Hatcher 1

Synopsis: The 1987 Houston Astros finished 10 games under .500, but Kevin Bass still manages to walk away a winner in this Matchup. Hatcher swipes a late category to avoid the sweep, but in the end Bass's victory was even more dominant than his lip-warmer.

Astros Leaders, 1988 Topps