John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Name: John Candelaria
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 ounces of excrement from a pirate's parrot
Key 1976 stat: 276 women seduced with a glance
It's time for a very hairy pop quiz:

Why did the ladies love John Candelaria?

(A) His salon-quality hair put theirs to shame.
(B) He had the penmanship of a 19th-century poet.
(C) That tickling sensation from the wisps of his mini-mustache.
(D) What woman doesn't want a Pirate with a little booty?
(E) All of the above.

John Candelaria, 1977 Topps

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Name: Brett Smith
Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of urine
Key 2013 stat: 47 better T-shirt options
Some of the sayings on rookie quarterback Brett Smith's other T-shirts:

• Crap Thunder
• Sweat Profusely
• Chafe Class
• Vomit Virtue
• Pee-Pee Maturity

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Brett Smith, 2014 Sage Hit Autographs (Football Friday No. 216)

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Name: Denny Martinez
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 Grand Slam at Denny's
Key 1981 stat: 265 Grand Slams eaten at Denny's by Denny
Denny Martinez's autograph is a bit confusing; here's what it might say:

• Itsa Jesus Party
• Look, jeers patented
• Lardo Chorizo Pastrami
• Latin satin perfection
• Glorious hair helmet of love (in Spanish)
• El Dennis Presidente

Denny Martinez, 1982 Topps

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Name: Rick Mahler
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Rick Mahler-signed baseball (or, zilch)
Key 1982 stat: 621 balls signed (baseballs, sicko)
Selections of Rick Mahler baseball autographs from this signing session:

• "Timmy: You're a huge Braves fan. You might not know this, but I'm a Braves pitcher. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Jenny: Please forgive our intolerably racist mascot logo. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Wes: I'm keeping your ball in my butt pocket for a month or two. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Bobby: I never liked you and your play at third base makes me ill. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Debbie: I saw you at the game. You like this beer-bulge combination? I can tell. I'm in Room 232 at the Holiday Inn. Best, Rick Mahler"
• "Johnny: A ballboy actually signed this. Best, Rick Mahler"

Rick Mahler, 1983 Fleer

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One arthritic hip
Key 1989-90 stat: Zero autographs actually requested from this guy
Top 10 possible explanations for this bizarre card:
10) It's promotional material for "Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dead on the Diamond."
9) It's an actual dead man being propped up for entertainment purposes.
8) It's one of those things that you stand behind and place your head in the cutout for photos.
7) Considering his hands are as big as his head, it must be George "The Animal" Steele in disguise.
6) It's concept art for the unwanted sequel to "Semi-Pro."
5) Topps was just putting its surplus of wood-grain framing to good use.
4) Oh, like you don't have glossy photos of Tim Stoddard that you're just dying to have autographed.
3) It's entirely possible that this is a photo of Tim Stoddard burping while sleepwalking.
2) It's just a cheap rip-off of this Al Hrabosky card.
1) Clearly, this was the liveliest photo from the entire Senior Professional Baseball Association season.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Rick Honeycutt
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: This card's future is so bright, you've got to wear shades
Key 1989 stat: Zero times laughed after being called "B.J. Hunnicutt"
Assorted autographs from A's reliever Rick Honeycutt:

• "Jimmy: I'm totally checking your mom out from beneath my shades. You need a step-dad?"
• "Steph: Yes, I do think I'm better than you. Thanks for asking."
• "To Matthew: Thanks for supporting the team. I'm keeping this pen."
• "Bobby, yes, I know I can't hold Eck's jock. Why would I want to, you little freak?"
• "Sarah: No, I can't tell you why this photographer is kneeling in front of me. Ask your mother      I'm totally checking her out, too."

Rick Honeycutt, 1990 Upper Deck

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Mark Portugal
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One Portuguese centavo
Key 1992 stat: Seven cavities filled by the dentist
A few outtakes from Mark Portugal's autograph session:

• "Dear Andy, nice glove. It looks a lot like mine      in fact, where is my glove? Hey!"
• "To Teddy: No you can't suck on my lollipop. Buzz off, creep-o."
• "For Vince: No, I haven't actually been to Portugal. It's just my name. Please stop asking."
• "Julie, thanks for saying that I look like a less talented Kevin Costner out there. You mean in terms of acting ability, right?"
• "To Alan: Yes, I do think this is what a baseball player is supposed to look like. Now get out of here before I strangle you with my sunglasses strap."

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Mark Portugal, 1993 Upper Deck

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Kenneth Scott "Kenny" Rogers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Getting lost in those baby blue eyes
Key 1993 stat: Never once sang "The Gambler"
It's a Matchup, in name only: Let's see how Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers matches up with legendary country singer Kenny Rogers.

Round 1: Flowing mullet (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 2: Soft, magnificent beard (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 3: Chain of delicious, convenient chicken restaurants (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 4: Ladies seduced with just a look (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Pitched a perfect game (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 6: Sneaked a peak at Dolly Parton's monumental bosom (Winner: Singer Kenny)
Round 7: 2-to-1 eyebrow to eye size ratio (Winner: Baseball Kenny)
Round 8: Gorgeous penmanship (Winner: Baseball Kenny)

Final score: Baseball Kenny Rogers 4, Singer Kenny Rogers 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Baseball Kenny was far from perfect early, but used a late crescendo to drown out the dulcet tones of his musical counterpart, whose cause was hurt by the fact that his tasty poultry eatery is now only open in Asia. Come back, Kenny!

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Name: Steve Smith
Team: Chicago Blackhawks
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: The monetary equivalent of the ink used for that autograph
Key 1994-95 stat: 47 Siberian "huskies" romanced
Steve Smith's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: PuckSchmuck41
Age: 34 or 35; not sure
Height: 1.75 hockey sticks
Weight: 254 hockey pucks
Hair color: Golden
Hairstyle: Coated in 11 pounds of gel
Ethnicity: Russian-Canadian, like the rest of the NHL
Religious views: Cross check
Marital status: Never
Want children? Why?
Best feature: Forehand (up your skirt)
Smoke? Only when I drink
Drink? Only when I drink

Seeking: A Russian babe whose breath is as cold as a Siberian winter
Location: Anywhere in Canada, eh?
Her body type: Buxom and nuded
Her ethnicity: See above

About me: Ladies, feast your eyes on a real man — a hockey man. Just because I spend all day handling my stick doesn't mean I don't have time for your parts, too. As you can see from my sexified profile pic, I don't just play hockey. I also play beach volleyball — in the snow. And I don't just dive around shirtless with the guys like it's "Top Gun"; I also like to sweat with the ladies. You want to get hot on the ice? Just imagine what I'm saving for you in these jean shorts. Let's puck.

Steve Smith, 1995-96 Upper Deck Be A Player (Hockey Week No. 4)

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Bip Roberts
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: One dried-out pen
Key 1995 stat: 1,216 "bips" (don't ask)
Bip Roberts is a good guy who signs a lot of autographs; a few choice selections:

• "Johnny, thanks for asking, but I won't show you my 'bip.'"
• "Christie, you're a sweetheart. I like Rickey Henderson, too. But I'm not him."
• "Greg, please, I've signed 14 autographs for you and you're at least 40. Let the kids get some."
• "Julie, pass this ball with my phone number on it to your hot mom. And wink at her."
• "Marty, don't tell anyone, but under this jersey is a leotard superhero costume."
• "Patty, any chance you and the rest of the idiots can come down lower so I don't have to pull a muscle stretching to reach you?" 

Bip Roberts, 1996 Upper Deck

Pat Sheridan, 1987 Topps

Name: Pat Sheridan
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 drops of tiger blood piss
Key 1986 stat: Four sides of faux woodgrain in one of Topps' greatest sets ever
Conversation between Pat Sheridan and a young fan, Sept. 18, 1986:
Young fan: "Hey, mister. Can you sign my program?"
Pat Sheridan: "Sure, kid. Let me see that."
YF: "Thanks, mister!"
PS: "Wait a cotton-picking second here. This isn't a program."
YF: "Just sign it. Just sign it."
PS: "This is a Detroit-area Auto Trader from 1984. I'm not signing this."
YF: "Please, please, mister. It'll be a collector's item. Sign it next to that Pinto."
PS: "Pinto? Why a Ford Pinto?"
YF: "Well, mister, I believe, decades from today, that a subculture of young people who are transfixed with irony and 1980s cliches will rise up from the middle 50 percent of the nation's small, private liberal arts colleges and spend, spend, spend on baseball-slash-automotive kitsch that smartly matches a clunker of a car with, well ... you understand, right?"
PS: "I'm going to go ahead and make this out to Dirtbreath."

Pat Sheridan, 1987 Topps

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Name: John B. "Johnny" Wockenfuss
Team: Detroit Tigerfusses
Positions: Catcher, first base and outfield (not all at once)
Value of card: Less wock, more fuss
Key 1981 stat: Still had a better last name than Rusty
Top 10 nicknames for a man named John B. Wockenfuss:

10) Johnny B. Not Goode
9) Old Catcherface
8) Johnny Wock-Me-Amadeus
7) Johnny Get-A-Haircut
6) Johnny Wock-Out-With-Your-Fuss-Out
5) John B. Wockafeller
4) John B. Out-As-Usual
3) Johhny Wockenpuss
2) John B. Wocken-Passed-Ball
1) Jack Wockenfuss

Card submitted by Keith Malloy

Johnny Wockenfuss, 1982 Topps

Tony Pena, 1990 Classic Baseball

Name: Tony Pena
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: The same amount as a Tony Pena autograph (Hint: It's a negative number.)
Key 1989 stat: Zero autographed baseballs kept by fans after his signing
10 reasons this card isn't "Classic":
10) Pena's turtleneck doesn't have enough folds.
9) It blinded the judges who could have deemed it "Classic"
8) The design set the Photoshop world back 11 years.
7) They had to kill four tigers to make the borders for the full set.
6) Pena's facial hair got the company sued by the makers of "The Three Musketeers."
5) It doesn't feature Pena's autograph even though he's signing an autograph.
4) Pena's tuck job looks a little forced.
3) It's not yellow enough.
2) It's a Tony Pena card.
1) It's a Classic card.

Tony Pena, 1990 Classic Baseball

Steve Foster, 1992 Donruss

Name: Steve Foster
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A chewed pen cap
Key 1991 stat: Multiple shirts worn at all times
Autographs signed by Steve Foster (as far as you know):

• "To Sarah: Thanks for pointing out that my face is as red as my jersey. We can't all be as pale as you, you brat."
• "To Brian: It sure is dark out here. Please don't kill me."
• "Dear Charlie: No, rookie hazing does not involve 'servicing' Marge Schott or her foul dog. That's disgusting."
• "To Juliet: Your name is from Shakespeare, right? But soft, what light above my left shoulder breaks? It is a UFO, and we're all going to die."
• "Dear Jimmy: Hold on, I need to mug for the camera real quick."

Steve Foster, 1992 Donruss

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 used sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1989 stat: Roughly 2 million images of him doctored
You're doing it wrong: OK, look at the words at the top of this card. Then look at the image. Notice anything missing? If you said, the Royals logo on Bo Jackson's hat, well, you'd be right, obviously. But most food-based sports cards in the early 1990s were required to make players look like they were in the witness protection program. No, what we're going for here is that, for an "autograph series," this card seems to be suspiciously unsigned. And while it's true that you could find Bo's childlike scribbling on the back of the card, what fun is that? Maybe we'll start signing the back of our credit card receipts and see how that goes over. Seriously, this set would have been the worst thing to ever happen to sunflower seeds if not for this article.

Bo Jackson, 1990 Jumbo Sunflower Seeds Autograph Series

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Ernest Riles
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Third base
Value of card: One church belt from Goodwill
Key 1990 stat: 14 autographs given — and asked for — in one season
Time for one of our "signature" pop quizzes:

What did Ernest Riles write on that kid's ball?

(A) "Sorry for blinding you with my jersey, Joey."
(B) "Sincerely yours, the esteemed Mr. Turtleneck."
(C) "Thanks for the pen — the pen 15. Get it? Get it?"
(D) "Freddy, you look like a better athlete than that punk in the yellow hat behind me."
(E) "Thanks for telling me to block my bulge with my bat, Marty."
(F) "Sorry, I'm not Rickey Henderson."
(G) None of the above.

Ernest Riles, 1991 Upper Deck

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

Name: Bobby Brown
Teams: New York Yankees, MCA
Positions: Outfield, lead vocals
Value of card: 12 ounces of slime from "Ghostbusters II" set
Key 1981 stat: Two platinum records
10 things this card could lead you to say:
10) "Every Little Step" the photographer took was wrong
9) "Take It Slow" when you burn this card
8) This guy's hair looks like two diseased dogs "Humpin' Around"
7) ... and those teeth are the color of maca-"Roni"
6) "On Our Own" we could have taken a better photo
5) "Good Enough"? No chance
4) "Don't Be Cruel," keep this card to yourself
3) "Thug Lovin'" to do cocaine
2) "We're Back" to vomiting after looking at this guy
1) "My Prerogative": This card is garbage

Bobby Brown, 1982 Topps

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers

Name: David Justice
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Criminally little
Key 1992 stat: One awesome haircut
Key Baseball Card Bust stat: 1,000 cards Busted, as of today. From the beginning, people have encouraged us to promote our site more, or update its awful design, or try writing something funny for once. Did we listen? Of course not! So, to thank you, our hundreds dozens pair of loyal fans, today's card is presented at absolutely no cost. You're welcome, America.
Autographs from David Justice (we swear!):

• Dear Brian: I'm sorry, you incorrectly guessed the number of holes in my mesh jersey. Better luck next year!
• To Jason: Thanks for shaving those lines into my head. I can't imagine this look ever going out of style.
• To Sharpie: It's a little weird that you wrote your name on your pen, but whatever.
• Dear Megan: Thanks for asking about the spot on my chin, but I'm pretty sure it's not a tumor.
• Dear Peter: A million thanks for having me on this series of cards that I'm sure will be worth big bucks. You should autograph a photo of me signing autographs. That would be crazy!

David Justice, 1993 Upper Deck Peter Gammons Inside the Numbers