Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Name: Covelli "Coco" Crisp
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Spilled milk
Key 2013 stat: Kept it old school
A historic hair day: Baseball Card Bust today welcomes Coco Crisp into its Afro Hall of Fame. Standing more than a foot tall and having batted .312 with 84 home runs (with the ladies), the Coco-Fro has more than earned this hallowed honor. Congratulations, Coco. Today, you join this partial list of other all-natural legends:

• Oscar Gamble, whose hair was never airbrushed, even when his uniform was.
• J.D. Hill, who played his part in hairstyle history
• Wonder Monds, whose name said it all
• Ray May, who was always to the point
• And Larry Giroux, who broke barriers by bring the afro to the ice

Card submitted by Andrew Boggs

Coco Crisp, 2014 Topps

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Brandon Phillips
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: One beaten-to-hell baseball glove, spray-painted gold
Key 2008 stat: Zero magic spells cast
Let's hand out some awards: As noted on this card, Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove in 2008. Here are some other honors he's received.

• National League All-Hula Team, 2008
• Worst camouflage, Field and Stream magazine
• Participation ribbon, 2008 Hamilton County Fair Pie Eating Contest
• Elected vice president of the Greater Ohio Shiny Red Belt Society
• Customer of the month, June 2008, Big Jim's Wristband Emporium

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Name: Kurt Bevacqua
Team: Milwaukee Bubbles Brewers
Position: Infield
Value of card: See the shape of that bubble? Picture a number that's the same shape
Key 1975 stat: 467,908 pieces of Bazooka gum chewed (No, not at once.)
What an honor: Everyone, everyone, stand up and let's give Kurt Bevacqua a hand. This is something special. In a sport that holds home runs and strikeouts in high esteem, we finally get a glimpse of true talent. Here is the man whose nickname was "Dirty," who batted .236 during his 14-year career with eight teams, and who overcame adversity and other cliches to win the prestigious, the hallowed, the chewy 1975 Joe Garagiola/Bazooka Bubble Gum Blowing Championship. What does he win? How about a pair of Bazooka cardboard baseball scissors and measuring sticks, a lifetime supply of 6-year-old, granite-hard Bazooka gum and a real, military-grade bazooka? What prizes. But the real honor? Knowing no one else in baseball truly blows as much as he does.

Kurt Bevacqua, 1976 Topps Bazooka

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: If this were golf, it'd be a great score
Key 1993 stat: Never held a golf club before
A bad day on the greens: As noted on this blue-covered card, Mike Piazza was the 1993 National League Rookie of the Year. His manager, the often foul-mouthed and always full-mouthed Tommy Lasorda, didn't care spit about any of those words except "rookie," however. Lasorda made the young backstop caddy for him whenever he went golfing, but carrying Tommy's bag wasn't like carrying a normal golf bag. In the pockets where most duffers would keep extra balls, tees, an umbrella and a few beers, Lasorda instead kept loose items of food. Piazza would have to dislodge golf balls from smashed cannolis and extract tees from weeks-old meatballs. The bottom of the bag was filled with 6 inches of marinara sauce, meaning that after Piazza had dirtied Lasorda's lone towel with tomato-y foulness from the club handles, he would have to use his own shirt. The end of the season couldn't come soon enough for the catcher, who quickly hoisted his duties on some young Korean kid.

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Bill Curley
Team: Boston College
Position: Forward
Value of card: Three Curley hairs
Key 1994 stat: A lighter shade of pale
You've earned it: White baller Bill Curley was named Boston College's "Eagle of the Year" (no, really!) as the school's top athlete in 1994. He went on to play in at least six NBA games before retiring in 2001. Here are some other awards he earned along the way:

• Best Boston Stereotype Athlete of the Year, 1994
• College Player of the Year, 1994, presented by the Society of Gentlemen Who Don't Tuck in Their Shirts
• Most Towels Used in a Season, presented by the Boston College basketball staff (four years in a row)
• Dude Who Most Needs a Xanax, as named in the 1994 Boston College yearbook
• Sexiest Man Alive, according to Beet-Face Magazine

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One carat carrot
Key 1991 stat: 10 inches of mullet
Big winner: Upper Deck saw fit to name Jose Canseco "Best Athlete" in its 1992 Diamond Skills subset. Here are some other awards Canseco has claimed in his life:

• Customer of the month, May 1991, Big Jim's Syringe Mart
• Hair of the year, 1993, Mullet Fancy magazine
• May Have Already Won $10,000,000, Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
• New York Times Best Selling Author, 2005
• Best Jose, 1985

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Name: Candy Maldonado
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield, Pinch Hitter of the Year
Value of card: Four pieces of construction paper (used above)
Key 1986 stat: One award that's really a backhanded compliment
10 candy descriptions for Candy Maldonado:
10) Good & Plenty (of strikeouts)
9) Mounds (of cellulite)
8) Fun Dip (causes mouth cancer)
7) Baby Ruth (as in: much, much worse than Babe Ruth)
6) 100 Grand (salary is far too generous)
5) Big Hunk (look elsewhere)
4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (in his jockstrap)
3) Junior Mints (in his jockstrap)
2) Charleston Chew (spit)
1) Snickers (when he showers)

Candy Maldonado, 1987 Fleer Award Winner

Keith Hernandez, 1987 Topps All Star

Name: Keith Hernandez
Team: New York Mets
Position: First base
Value of card: Arrogance
Key 1986 stat: He's Keith Hernandez
Congratulations are in order: Happy All-Star Tuesday, everybody. You know, Keith Hernandez was a five-time all-star, including the 1986 game. Here are some other awards he's earned in his lifetime.

• Runner-up, Best Non-Sports TV Appearance by a New York Met for his cameo on "Seinfeld." (Darryl Strawberry won for his role on "America's Most Wanted.")
• Stubble of the Year, 1976-1990, Vito's Barbershop, Brooklyn, N.Y.
• "Cockiest S.O.B. I ever met," according to several women interviewed for this blog.
• Most provolone eaten in one sitting at 12th Street Deli.
• Participant, Capuchino High School spelling bee, 1969.

Keith Hernandez, 1987 Topps All Star

Dee Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck All-Rookie Team (NBA Draft Week No. 2)

Name: Dee Brown
Team: Boston Celtics
Position: Guard
Value of card: One gold-plated trophy
Key 1990-91 stat: One-letter first name that takes three letters to spell
10 guesses why Dee Brown won that trophy:
10) Shortest shorts, ZIP code 02101
9) Gatorade Pitchman of the Month, February 1991
8) More children fathered than Shawn Kemp
7) Bringing down the hoop and post (with the appropriate tools and the help of two union workers)
6) Perfect 45-degree-angle flattop
5) All-Skinny, First Team
4) It's not a trophy; it's the Hasbro Death Star he wrapped in foil for a third-grade science project (he lost)
3) Two balls in the hoop at once (get it?)
2) Most pumps of Reebok Pumps, recorded history
1) Going blind

Dee Brown, 1991-92 Upper Deck All-Rookie Team (NBA Draft Week No. 2)

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Name: Bob Hamelin
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Designated hitter, first base
Value of card: A cassette tape of Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart"
Key 1990 stat: 17 cows tipped
He's earned this: Bob Hamelin may look like a big ol' slack-jawed country bumpkin in this photo, but in 1994, he was the American League rookie of the year. (No, really! We didn't remember, either.) Here are a handful of less important yet equally forgotten awards Big Bob has won:

• Boy Scout of the Month, Troop No. 1399, April 1980
• Hairiest arms at Buffalo Bill's Tequila Shooter Night, Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 13, 2001
• Student of the week, Mrs. Evans' third-grade remedial English class, Feb. 3-10, 1974
• Employee of the month, Beef n' Brawn strip club, November 2000
• Worst Sophomore Slump, American League, 1995 (.168 batting average)

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Name: Joe Montana

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Position: Quarterback

Value of card: 2 cents

Key 1989 stat: Two fingers raised at all times

10 things Montana could have been yelling when this photo was taken:

10) "Let's go! I got my hand between two gluteal folds over here!"

9) "How many wristbands am I wearing? How many?"

8) "Hey, what's my jersey number minus 14? C'mon. Goddamn defensive linemen!"

7) "This many times with your sister, Jerry! This many times with your sister!"

6) "And we will go forth and conquer! V for valor! V for vigor! V for victory!"

5) "Whoa, bro. Peace, man!"

4) "Twice you put Icy Hot on my jockstrap! Twice!"

3) "No, no no! I said it stands for what your wife showed me!"

2) "Two hearts, believing in just one mind!"

1) "Utah! Get Montana two!"

Joe Montana, 1990 Pro Set Award Winner (Football Friday No. 77)

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Mike Schmidt

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Position: Third base

Value of card: The "best" price for collectors: Nothing

Key 1985 stat: Apparently, a slightly-above-average .266 batting average

Best of the rest: Slugger. Gold Glove third baseman. Perennial All-Star. Hall of Famer. Mike Schmidt was a legend on the field, but it was still a bit puzzling when Fleer selected him to be part of the Baseball's Best subset in 1986. Schmidt was getting up there in years, and wasn't hitting as many home runs as he once did. His batting average? As the card says, .266. Nothing "best" about that. Best stirrups? Maybe, but other players looked good in them, too. Mustache? Probably not. So what was it? Take another look at the card. Yup, it's obvious now, isn't it? Mike Schmidt: Baseball's Best Butt for a 37-year-old in a Baby-Blue Body Suit. Good call, Fleer.

Mike Schmidt, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Barry Bonds

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Left field

Value of card: Seven identical Cracker Jack prize cross earrings

Key 1992 stat: Zero steroids injections - swear to god; no, seriously; on my mother's grave; cross my heart; I take the Fifth

10 other awards Barry Bonds won in 1992:

10) Straightest Mustache, Major League Baseball

9) M.V.P.P.: Most Valuable Pompous Prick

8) Largest Man with Woman's Eyes (three years running)

7) Mr. T Style Award

6) Nonreligious Cross Bearer of the Decade

5) Mediocre Sports Card Blog Player of the Week

4) Most Likely to Have Head Double in Size

3) Nobel Prize in Douchebaggery

2) Lamest Use of Earlobe, Otolaryngology (Ear, Nose and Throat Doctors) Association

1) Tommy Bahama Salesman of the Year

Barry Bonds, 1993 Upper Deck Award Winners

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Cliff Floyd

Team: Montreal Expos, Tuscaloosa Purple Whirlwinds

Position: Outfield

Value of card: One gold medal, filled with chocolate

Key 1991 stat: One Mercedes emblem necklace worn, 134 games

Expos' scouting report on top draft pick Cliff Floyd: "Big-league swing, bush-league hat. ... Wears Little League uniform with pizazz. ... Creepy stare may intimidate pitchers; will intimidate children. ... Impressive credentials: second-place medal, pig raising, Tuscaloosa County Fair 4-H competition. ... Spent time in prison yard, as photo shows. ... Hits doubles, hits on singles. ... Looks like an athlete, has name of a nerd. ... Fashion sense points to guaranteed future in beer league softball. ... Likes Molson, hockey and wrestling bears - should fit in well in Canada. "

Cliff Floyd, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Fred Lynn, 1989 Topps

Name: Fred Lynn

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Three used dryer sheets
Key 1988 stat: 491 times asked, "Why so serious?"

And the award goes to: In 1975, Fred Lynn became the first player to win Rookie of the Year and MVP in the same season. Here are some other awards he received over the course of his career:

1977: Gray's Auto Body customer of the month (April)

1979: Major League Baseball Spelling Bee participant award

1982: Wiener and Still Champion award (most hot dogs eaten in one hour at First National Frank in Boston)

1983: Spanish 102 student of the year at Landau Community College

1985: "I Survived The Zipper" T-shirt, Frederick County Fair

1987: $5 loyal customer gift card from Cork & Bottle Liquor Store, Baltimore, Md.

1988: 14th-place trophy, 33rd Annual Detroit Three-Man Potato Sack Race

1990: Best back rub of the year, according to Tony Gwynn

Fred Lynn, 1989 Topps