Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Pettis
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 cents (or sixth sense?)
Key 1988 stat: 12 patents on time machine
Our minds, blown: Hold on. Wait just a minute. So, Gary Pettis is holding an Upper Deck card and — for the love of all that is holy — it's the back of this very card? How in the name of below-average 1980s major league speedsters is that possible? He's breaking the laws of physics. He's bending the space-time continuum. He's mastering a card trick the world has never seen. This is Gary Pettis looking at a photo of Gary Pettis while also looking into the future of Gary Pettis. Or is he looking back to the future? Or are we imagining that we're seeing a minuscule reflection of the back of the card on the front of the card because we took a few too many sips of the "herbal" tea? Not sure, but if that other card he's holding is his 1990 Upper Deck, we're going to need a new pair of shorts.

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

David Hulse, 1995 Fleer Update

Name: David Hulse
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's probably written on this atrocity of a card somewhere
Key 1994 stat: 1,994 brews drank
Nice work, Fleer: For its 1995 Update subset, the design geniuses at Fleer decided to take a lot of information usually saved for the back of the card and move it      prominently      to the front of the card. In giant, colored lettering. All over the place. Ahem. Because this wasn't distracting enough, they went ahead and added approximately seven photos of the same player to each card, many of which appeared quite frightening. (Check out Hulse's face in the giant "S". Yeah, you'll be seeing that in your nightmares.) So what did all this garbage leave for the back of the card? Well, stats, of course, copyright information      and a giant photo of David Hulse's retainer. We'll say it again: Nice work, Fleer.

David Hulse, 1995 Fleer Update

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Names: Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State
Team: Um, see above
Position: Sunglassed
Value of card: A lot of green (shirts)
Key 1991 stat: A future so bright, yada, yada
Team Quaker State, by the numbers:

0: Humor one of these guys finds in this situation
1: Rockin' mullet on the guy on the left
2: Guys who should have compared what they were going to wear before the race (awkward!)
6: 1-pound sunglass lenses
26: Car number Beers drank, apiece, before this photo
27: Average finishing position in 1991
270: Combined pulls of chew per day
275: Combined pulls of their "stickshifts" per month

Brett Bodine and Team Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set Racing (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 6)

Ron Villone, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ron Villone
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Relief pitching prospect
Value of card: Whatever these crazy bar charts mean
Key 1994 stat: Eight minor-league saves
Top 10 categories not listed by the "Topps Skills Rating System" on the back of this fabulous card:
10) Number of big-league appearances (0)
9) Number of Villones on this card (3)
8) Open-mouth rape stare: (8.4)
7) Tradeability (10.0)
6) Hot dog eating (7.1)
5) Number of team's he'd pitch for by 2010 (12)
4) Appearances in the Mitchell Report (1)
3) Chin (2.0)
2) I.Q. (85)
1) Mullet (Immeasurable)

Bonus nugget from Wikipedia: "During a July 23, 2010, game with the Durham Bulls, Villone took the mound in the eighth inning with a one-run lead but gave up a walk to what would become the tying run. He then threw to first base 12 times to hold the runner, without once throwing to home plate, annoying the crowd, who booed Villone mercilessly. When Villone finally threw to home plate, the batter bunted the ball back to Villone, who appeared to be caught off guard and failed to make the play. The local press called him visibly 'rattled' at that point. Villone walked the next batter and hit the following batter with a two-strike pitch to force in the tying run. He was immediately pulled from the game. Less than a month later, on Aug. 12, 2010, he was once again released after posting an ERA of 6.59 during his time in Triple A."

Ron Villone, 1995 Topps Stadium Club

Dennis Cook, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Dennis Cook
Team: Cleveland Indians
Positions: Pitcher, spaz
Value of card: A nightmare
Key 1992 stat: One mullet tucked in
Back-of-the-card special: The backs of baseball cards used to feature tiny print on colored cardboard, detailing a player's career stats, height, weight, hometown and a few season highlights or nuggets about the player himself. But in the early 1990s, Upper Deck and a handful of other card companies decided it would be a good idea to feature a second photo of the player, as well as the statistical information. Thus, we got to see what Dennis Cook would look like shortly before he bashed in our skulls while growling and laughing maniacally. Thanks, Upper Deck. Now I won't be able to sleep tonight.

More back-of-the-card gems: There's this Skybox atrocity. There's Jeff Nelson's Kenny Powers impersonation. And then there's the worst sports card ever.

Dennis Cook, 1993 Upper Deck

Jeff Nelson, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Jeff Nelson, aka Kenny Powers

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Closer

Value of card: "Not worth as much as these nuts," Powers said.

Key 1993 stat: "Numbers are for people who don't have talent. If there's two things I have it's talent, balls and talent," Powers said.

Northbound and down: Kenny Powers had been run out of Atlanta, New York and San Francisco. He was in Seattle, his career in decline. He had poisoned the media and the fans had abandoned him. His velocity was gone and he was spending money on hookers, cocaine and Budweiser at a staggering rate. Kenny Powers needed a change, and he'd tell you: "When my (expletive) was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multimillion-dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my (expletive). Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a (expletive) cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm." But Kenny Powers didn't give up. He struck out on a new road, with glory in mind. He had a vision of paradise on the diamond and he knew only the heart of a champion and the mind of a scientist would get him there. So he stole a few credit cards and an ID from some guy named Jeff Nelson, and his career, for a short time, was reborn in Seattle.

Jeff Nelson, 1994 Upper Deck

Aaron Taylor, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 18)

Name: Aaron "2Story" Taylor

Teams: Green Bay Packers, South Side Gangstarz

Positions: Offensive lineman, the muscle

Value of card: Break yo'self for that coin, son

Key 1993 stat: Two AR-15s, playa

From the hood to the tundra: Check yo'self, son. Aaron Taylor is a beast from da block. He been choppin' it up since he was knee-high to a butta'fly, and you know 'dis. This mo'fo ran with the South Side Gangstarz with his killa-cutteez, Ice Bone aka Sweet Toof and Lil' WetJesus. 2Story was the muscle for the South Side Gangstarz, and 'dis baby-faced brotha never hesitated to jack your chain or put some punk from 'round da way 6 feet deep. 'Den some suit with pretty teeth saw him in da hood and offered him a job north side, with Da Green Bay (Thumb) Packers, son. 2Story figured he could chop game with some straight green chronic in Da Green Bay, so he 'cepted the job and left the gat under the pilla at him momma's hout. He went up to Da Green Bay, brought some sticky-icky, and showed 'dem NFL playas what South Side be about, son.

Aaron Taylor, 1994 Skybox (Football Friday No. 18)