Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A used piece of gauze
Key 1990 stat: Tasted his own blood, as well as that of 28 others
Oh, nothing to see here: First off, Jesus H. Christ. Nolan's a real gamer, all right. Of course, we're pretty sure that only some of that is the Ryan Express's own blood. Here's what we believe the reaction would be upon unwrapping this card at various ages:

Ages 5-9: "Mooommmmmyyy!"
Ages 10-17: "Bad frickin' ass!" *Intentionally busts own lip before next Little League/high school game*
Ages 18-26: "Big deal, he's only bleeding from the mouth."
Ages 27 and up: "This makes Schilling's bloody sock look effeminate."

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Wonder Monds, 1990 Nebraska 100 (Football Friday No. 147)

Name: Wonder Monds
Team: Nebraska Cornhuskers
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: You shouldn't wonder about it
Key 1975 stat: 1 red coat, 1 red tie
Fun facts, some of which we didn't make up, about Wonder Monds:

• During his college years, his afro was the tallest point in Nebraska
• Never actually husked any corn
• His extensive sideburns allowed him to Velcro on his helmet
• Besides Santa, the only man in history to look smooth wearing only red and white
• Had sons named Wonderful Terrific Monds III and Mario. Sorry about that, Mario.

Wonder Monds, 1990 Nebraska 100 (Football Friday No. 147)

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Name: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Events: Heptathlon and long jump
Medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze (in four different Olympics!)
Value of card: Seven grains of salt
Key 1992 stat: 24 mispronunciations of the word "discus"
Lucky number seven: Jackie Joyner-Kersee was an American badass in the heptathlon, setting a still-standing record at the 1988 Summer Games. But she didn't stop at seven events, oh no; here are some others in which she dominated the world:

• Seoul Soul singing while throwing a javelin
• Pillow fighting
• Lawn darts
• Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee
• Olympic Family Feud

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps

Name: John Henry Johnson. No, seriously.
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Four awesome points
Key 1986 stat: Best white afro ever
Clearing up some rumors about John Henry Johnson:

• John Henry Johnson was not a porn star. That is a shame, because he had the name for it.
• John Henry Johnson's hair was completely natural. It's his eyebrows that were fake.
• John Henry Johnson was not a steel-drivin' man. But when he pitched, he was more of a line-drivin' man.
• John Henry Johnson could, in fact, smile. It's just that, in this photo, his form-fitting shirt has cut off the blood flow to his face.
• His name is John Johnson, he comes from Wisconsin, but he does not, in fact, work in a lumberyard there.

John Henry Johnson, 1987 Topps

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Five petrified pieces of bubble gum
Key 1988 stat: Two Ted Power books read
Choose your own adventure: You are Gary Sheffield, stud baseball rookie and badass. Your gold necklace weighs 5 pounds and your bat shoots stars when you swing it. You're on deck during the bottom of the ninth in a tie game with the White Sox and decide to pop a refreshing piece of Bazooka bubble gum. OW! Turns out the gum you put in your mouth is hard as a rock, and you now have two broken molars! Manager Tom Trebelhorn is ready to send in a pinch hitter for you. What do you do?

To wuss out and let someone else bat for you, click here.
To pop another piece of delicious Bazooka gum and let the chips fall where they may, click here.
To lose your mind and start shooting stars from your bat at everyone, click here.
To rip off your sleeves, swallow your broken teeth and stride to plate like a badass, click here.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Bazooka insert

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Florida Marlins
Positions: Third base, badass
Value of card: 100 pounds of awesome
Key 1993 stat: 1,834 sneers
Holy crap: Look at Gary Sheffield's scorpion tattoo. It's obvious that the sleeves of his shirt tore themselves off and ran away when they saw that thing coming. Even his color-coordinated wristbands freaking rule. Plus, you can tell by the look on his face that he's about to hit a baseball approximately 12,000 feet. This got us here at the Bust wondering what things are more badass than Gary Sheffield in this photo. Here they are, in reverse order:

10) Robot motorcycles
9) Dogs that shoot bees from their mouths
8) The A-Team
7) People juggling chain saws
6) Lions riding horses
5) Guitars made of lightning
4) Gun-wielding, shark-surfing bears
3) Thunderstorms made by volcanoes
2) Gary Sheffield in this exact pose with an actual scorpion on his arm
1) America

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck