Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A straw with a hole in it
Key 1986 stat: Half a mustache
Is Darryl Strawberry having a medical emergency? While li'l Darryl appears to be fit and hale, watching yet another long ball soar out of Shea, big Darryl might be in trouble. His hat's a little askew, but that's no big deal, and his eyes look fine. His nose is pretty asymmetrical, though      perhaps he's been in a fistfight? The big worry here, however, is what's going on with his mouth and cheeks. Either he's having a stroke or half of his face is melting due to some sort of witchcraft. Grab a cross and call an ambulance, Straw! Every second counts!

Darryl Strawberry, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Andy Van Slyke
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six used Band-Aids
Key 1987 stat: Zero times maintaining the area between his eyebrows
Is Andy Van Slyke having a medical emergency? Hmm, let's see. One side of his face definitely appears to be drooping, indicating a possible stroke. Or maybe it's just melting? Either way, that's a bad sign. Then, li'l Andy down there at the right may soon be a victim of a second-degree sunburn. Additionally, the mustache on li'l Andy looks like it's just completely fallen off of big Andy's face. We're pretty sure that might require a trip to the ER. So, yes, please call an ambulance before Mr. Van Slyke keels over.

Andy Van Slyke, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: One big apple, filled with worms
Key 1985 stat: Constant disgust
Yep, we've got more of 'em: That's right, Internet, your least favorite subset is back. Sure, we've already posted enough Diamond Kings to stuff a binder, but this week's seven illustrations make us wonder if the athletes featured in them are having some sort of medical emergency. So, to borrow an idea from Grandma Milhouse, go ahead and dial 9-1 while we investigate; then, if we say so, dial 1 again.
Is Dwight Gooden having a medical emergency? Upon further investigation, Doc is not having an embolism; he's just angry. Wouldn't you be? I mean, if you were painted with a laser beam going through your ears, a miniature version of yourself digging his cleats into your own neck, and your mouth at a completely different angle than the rest of your face, you can't tell me you'd be happy about it. So forgive Doc if he's a little torqued off. (Just don't tell him about the two little white lines around that laser beam.)

Dwight Gooden, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Medical Emergency Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Name: Pete Rose
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield/infield/child laborer
Value of card: A 5-year-old's drawing of poop
Key 1977 (maybe) stat: Never actually looked like this
Just stellar work, Upper Deck: What the hell is this? We thought these illustrations were supposed to be life-like. Instead, we've got what appears to be an oil painting made by a sixth-grader of Pete Rose wearing a velour track suit and a gold watch. What, is he Tony Soprano's dimwit underage bodyguard? It seems as though Rose has gnawed off the outer edges of those bat barrels like a beaver and mashed the damp shavings together to create the wig on his head. And is that a baseball glove he's carrying in his other hand? It looks more like some sort of poorly constructed wicker basket. At least the look on Rose's face seems legitimate, although it's more likely that he had that expression of disappointment and constipation after viewing this portrait. Really, excellent job, fellas.

Pete Rose, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 2)

Bob Tewksbury, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sideilnes Week No. 6)

Name: Bob Tewksbury
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, amusement park artist
Value of card: 12 broken and paperless crayons
Key 1991 stat: Six teammates angered by his drawings of them
A quick picture of some of Bob Tewksbury's amusement park drawings of teammates:

• Bernard Gilkey, whom Tewksbury depicted as a gracious hat-tipper with a grandpa name
• Lee Smith, whom Tewksbury joked around and depicted as 1992 teammate Bryn Smith 
• Andres Galarraga, whom Tewksbury depicted as a large feline
• Felix Jose, whom Tewksbury depicted as a small feline
• Ozzie Canseco, whom Tewksbury depicted as his twin brother, Jose Canseco
• Ozzie Smith, whom Tewksbury, in the portrait that marked the "pinnacle" of his career, depicted as a cartoonish wizard

Bob Tewksbury, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sideilnes Week No. 6)

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Glad bag, ripped
Key 1989 stat: 0-and-46 against Kirby Puckett in eating competitions
Finishing with a grimace: What's the most disturbing thing about this Diamond King?

A) Dan Gladden's lopsided face
B) Dan Gladden's trillions of wrinkles
C) Dan Gladden's 20-hair mustache
D) Dan Gladden's squinty, pea-size eyes
E) Tiny, dancing Dan Gladden
F) The lopsided border. Poor form, Donruss!

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Gary Ward
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A wadded-up tissue of unknown origin
Key 1985 stat: 14 shaving mishaps
Conversation between big Gary Ward and little Gary Ward, sometime after this frightening illustration was completed:

Little Gary Ward: "You knew it was photo day, right? Did you just choose not to even clean up the handlebars on that mustache?"
Big Gary Ward: "Oh, good, I'm catching insults from a guy with a clubfoot."
LGW: "Nice smile, by the way. Or are you just mouth-breathing? It's hard to tell."
BGW: "I'm getting ready to bite your little head off, pipsqueak.
LGW: "You don't scare me. But your unibrow does."
BGW: "Man, shut up! I don't have a unibrow. It's just that this damned artist can't seem to draw facial hair of any kind. I mean, look at you! You don't even have handlebars on your 'stache, and we're supposed to be the same person!"
LGW: "... You know what? You're right. I'm sorry Big Gary. We should be working together, not picking each other apart. Can you forgive me?"
BGW: "You got it, Little Gary. Come over here and give me a hug." (Bites off Little Gary's head) "Heh. Sucker."

Gary Ward, 1986 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Glenn Hubbard
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Second base
Value of card: A shard of porcelain
Key 1987 stat: Silky smooth skin
It's eyes, they follow you everywhere: Everyone is familiar with bobbleheads, the humorous little figurines given away at baseball games each year. But in 1988, the Braves decided to try something different. Inspired by second baseman Glenn Hubbard's cherubic cheeks and miniature arms, the Atlanta marketing team ordered 10,000 porcelain baby dolls fashioned to look like the athlete. The giveaways were a flop, though, as most fans were creeped out by the dolls' staring eyes and wispy mustaches. Things got worse when it was discovered that the curly hair on the figures was a fire hazard      two dozen Atlanta-area families lost their homes to the toys. One of the dolls even came to life and killed seven people. The figures were eventually recalled, but not before a bewildered amateur artist named Perez drew a series of skin-crawling portraits of the keepsakes. One of these paintings found its way into the 1988 Donruss baseball card set, giving children everywhere (and now you, too) nightmares for weeks. Sleep tight!

Glenn Hubbard, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Kirk Gibson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Kirk Gibson

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: An empty beer bottle with a paint brush in it

Key 1988 stat: Caused some guy to disbelieve what he had just seen

Fun facts that can be gleaned from this wonderful illustration:

• Kirk Gibson's nose was broken. Badly.
• His nose was so lopsided it took his mustache with it.
• Kirk Gibson apparently played for the "Dods," whoever they are. Either that or the Dad's Root Beer softball team.
• Kirk Gibson was usually getting struck by lightning.
• Kirk Gibson's neck was thicker than his head.
• This Donruss Diamond King may be the god-awfulest.

Kirk Gibson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Montana
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 16 crumbled-up blueprints
Key 1990 stat: Six haircuts a week
The blueprint: Joe Montana was the prototypical quarterback in the 1980s and 1990s. As the artist demonstrated in the above illustration, Montana had the intelligence, arm strength, heart and mobility to define the position. But Fleer forgot to include a few of Montana's most important attributes, which helped make him the best quarterback of his era, and, arguably, of all time. Picture these drawings on the blueprint behind Montana, with arrows pointing to the appropriate places:
Coif: Montana's perfectly groomed hair stood out among football players, as well as male models and Hollywood actors. His golden locks were the color of his helmet, yet as soft as a Pomeranian's underbelly.
Cleft chin: Montana oozed machismo, and his indented chin only added to the mystique of a man's man, a leader of warriors, the Spartacus of San Francisco.
Eight-pack: Few knew of Montana's legendary abs. Most toned athletes sport a six-pack, but Montana took his stomach to the next level, actually growing additional muscles in his abdomen. Coincidentally, when Montana went on a beer run, he always came back with a few eight-packs.
Soft hands: "Joe Cool" may have been manly, but his hands were as soft as milkmaid's. His secret: hourly liberal applications of Bengay.
Bulge: C'mon, when an artist makes your junk look like a sumo wrestler's face, you know you're packin'.

Joe Montana, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 1)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Names: Bo Jackson, Bart Simpson

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Springfield Isotopes

Positions: Outfield; Mischievous, catch phrase-spitting brat

Value of card: One pair of shorts, eaten

Key 1990 stats: 50 humorous chalkboard recitations; 50 massive bubbles blown

It's time for The Matchup, Bo Week-style:

Round 1: Short-shorts (Winner: Bart)

Round 2: Bubbles coming from mouth (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 4: Anatomical makeup allowing for bulge (Winner: Bo)

Round 5: Hovering height (Winner: Bart)

Round 6: Random light-blue lump on shoulder (Winner: Bo)

Round 7: Size of head (Winner: Bart)

Round 8: Popularity among 12-year-olds in 1991 (Winner: Tie)

Round 9: Tiny headwear (Winner: Bo)

Score: Bo 4, Bart 3 (Ties, 2)

Synopsis: The competition was stiff, but, as is usually the case, a grown man with a bat beats a punk kid with a smart mouth and a skateboard.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Bo Knows Bart (Bo Week, No. 2)

Deion Sanders, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 19)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One Trapper Keeper
Key 1991 stat: Two Prime Times
For the children: In an effort to save money in 1991, Upper Deck did away with hiring professional artists for its illustrated cards, instead letting employees' children do the honors. Here we see 13-year-old Vance Wells' rendering of Deion "Prime Time" Sanders. Sure, Deion appears to have a fake left arm made of oak and a smile like that of a ventriloquist's dummy, but, dang it, little Vance worked hard on this. His middle school art classes really paid off on his towel drawings, and there is very little bleeding in the "PRIME TIME" stenciling. Plus, the penmanship on Deion's headband is at least worth a B. You know, for Bust.

Deion Sanders, 1991 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 19)