Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's clear it's worth nothing
Key 1972 stat: 2,216 photos of Jackson in 1972 better than this one
It's time for The Caption, which we know didn't run in the Oakland Tribune in the early 1970s: "Reggie Jackson, center, might be throwing a ball from the outfield at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in a game against the Chicago White Sox, but because the photo is so blurry we're not even sure this was against the White Sox, or even that it was taken during a baseball game, or, for that matter, whether it's really Jackson, on Tuesday in Oakland, maybe."

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mark Clear
Team: Los Angeles Angels
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 shards of broken, cloudy glass
Key 1980 stat: 114 times heckled with the name "Crystal"
A translucent view: We've seen awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball cards before, but we've never seen one quite this good. Yes, this card is awesome because the subject is wearing an umpire's shirt with an Angels logo ironed on. And, yes, his boiler is folded over his cummerbund. But as ridiculous as the mustache and mullet look, there's no getting past that name — that seemingly impossibly perfect name — that's emblazoned at the bottom of a card featuring an awful, out-of-focus, early 1980s baseball card. Is this one of Donruss' worst cards ever? Clearly, it is.

Mark Clear, 1981 Donruss

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Name: Frank "The Tank" Tanana
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even lower than modern-day Detroit property values
Key 1986 stat: One god-awful photo
Here we go: Fine work, Donruss photo team. That's fantastic. Look, we're not going to sit here and tell you that Frank Tanana was the world's most photogenic dude, but come on. This was the best picture you could choose? Let's run down the checklist of bad sports card photography. Camera positioned too close to the face? Check. Use of flash causing the subject to squint and creating the appearance of a sheen of sweat over his entire face? Check. Not asking the subject to tuck away his unwashed bangs or trim his unibrow? Check. Hey, I guess we should be grateful that you guys at least got him in focus, eh? Good job, fellas.

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Name: Jack Morris
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Ace
Value of card: An avocado pit
Key 1981 stat: Zero non-grainy photos taken of him
Wow, what a card: Let's take a moment to thank Fleer for this fine card. The effort and hard work that must have gone into such a fine representation of such a stellar pitcher is mind-blowing. Just think of the countless hours the photographer invested to capture such an important moment. It's not just the artistic acumen required to present Morris in a grainy, out-of-focus image, it's the foresight to picture him not during a game, but throwing in front of a chain-link fence, apparently in a prison yard in southern Michigan. So bravo, Fleer executives, you've outdone yourselves once again.

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:

• A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
• A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
• A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
• A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
• A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
• A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Name: Sean Berry
Team: Memphis Chicks
Position: Third base
Value of card: One berry, eaten by a baby chicken and then crapped out
Key 1989 stat: Was a Chick
Well, well, another winner: Oh, just fantastic work here, ProCards. We won't even worry about your card design, with the giant block of red not even half-filled with that text that looks like it was stamped on. What the crap is this photo? Did your photographer half-ass it because he was disappointed that the Memphis Chicks were not, in fact a women's baseball team? Or did this consummate professional intentionally have everyone pose so that their faces would be buried in shadow? Whatever the case, one thing is for certain: this whole card was triple-A-ball, indeed.

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Name: Bobby Bonds
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six broken razors
Key 1980 stat: 18 ounces of scum left on dugout wall
Here's what Bobby Bonds stands for:

Barbers were his worst enemies
Other than not being able to wear a ball cap, he looked good in a uniform
Buzz cut? Not quite
Ballplayer first, style maven second
You never know when Fleer is going to take a photo of you

Bed head taken to a whole new level
Optimal combination of 'fro and ragged beard
Never could find a razor in 1981
Dad to Barry Bonds, who was more clean ... shaven
Soul Glo, sucka, Soul Glo

Bobby Bonds, 1981 Fleer

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Prospecting for gold (up your nose)
Key 1989 stat: Didn't fall on head (yet)
It's a Football Friday rant: Oh, bravo, Pro Set. It was so important to get young Don Beebe in your 1989 edition that you had to reach out for a third-party photo, was it? Only, rather than track down a quality picture of the young receiver, you acquired what appears to be a lost image from the Zapruder tape and slapped it on this piece of cardboard. Thankfully, you credited it as a "scouting photo," lest we be concerned that your oh-so-rigorous standards were slipping. Congratulations, gentlemen, your focus on quality is as sharp as ever.

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Name: Steve Renko
Team: Um, Angels, we think
Position: Pitcher. Yeah, must be pitcher.
Value of card: It's clear it's worthless
Key 1981 stat: 17 double-jointed tricks
Acute vision: Let's take a moment to salute Fleer. The card company wasn't afraid to take a risk in 1982. When other companies were worrying about giving collectors cards that were in focus, Fleer made a point not to bend to expectations. The brass at the card company knew a gem when they had one, and they wouldn't let such trivial things as common sense or the minimal standards of photography get in their way. Conventions and clarity be damned, they said. Because they knew that when they had a bulge shot like this, they had to get it in the hands of as many collectors as possible.

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ron Davis
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's less than zilch? Zilch minus 1? Yes, zilch minus 1, that's what this card is worth
Key 1980 stat: It's unclear
Let's see what Ron Davis stands for:

Resolution of this card is tremendous
Obviously, quality was job No. 1 for Donruss
Negatives of this card: Innumerable

Did the photographer try to color-correct a negative?
Another example of the attention given to photo sharpness in early 1980s baseball cards
Viewing this card makes you think you've been drinking
It's like you're looking at this card through Ron Davis' glasses
Steinbrenner tried to fire the entire Donruss executive team after seeing this card

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:

• "The English Patient"
• Sitting
• Watching paint dry
• Watching another person watch paint dry
• Beige
• The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
• This Rollie Fingers card

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Name: Mickey Rivers
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: One glass shard from a Mickey's bottle
Key 1982 stat: One double
It was only a kiss: Toward the end of his baseball career, Mickey Rivers developed some strange habits. He started showering in a bathing suit after games, he would give himself a pat on the butt after getting a hit and, perhaps strangest of all, after striking out, he would blow a kiss to the pitcher. As you might imagine, this didn't sit well with everyone. Having K'd Rivers twice in an August contest, Royals starter Gaylord Perry was none too pleased with Mickey's smooches. Thinking that the hitter was making fun of his given name, Gaylord proceeded to plunk Rivers in his third plate appearance, drilling him right in the ear hole. Perry was tossed from the game and Rivers, unable to continue, put on his best bathing suit and hit the showers.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Mickey Rivers, 1983 Texas Rangers Affiliated Foods

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Name: Allen Ripley
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $12 (don't believe it)
Key 1980 stat: 4-inch distance between camera and face
Let's play a new game: Ripley's Believe It or Not:

• Believe it or not? Ripley once flew away during a game thanks to his hair wings.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was really wearing a Giants hat in this photo; it wasn't a crudely drawn facsimile added during the card production process.
• Believe it or not? Ripley was a close talker, hence the closeness of his face to the camera lens.
• Believe it or not? Ripley's nose was detachable, as evidenced by the creases around his snoz.
• Believe it or not? This card was not one of many abominations in the 1981 Topps set.

Oh, in case you wondering, don't believe any of the garbage above. 

Allen Ripley, 1981 Topps

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Name: Bob Hamelin (we think)
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A piece of paper with your name on it
Key 2013 stat: One dubious distinction
W.O.A.T.? Recently, Slate executive editor Josh Levin declared the above piece of cardboard the worst baseball card of all time. The argument is clear: Here we have DH-platoon specialist Bob Hamelin's sad, pudgy face peering out through his glare-covered glasses, and his sad, pudgy mullet peering out from under his autographed baseball cap. Most egregiously, though, Hamelin is holding against his chin a sign with his name printed on it      meanwhile, the card's breathtaking design has some sort of nameplate pyramid covering up part of said sign. The card is atrocious, the photography horrible, and the mullet greasy. But the worst of all time? Sorry, Slate, but we've seen worse. Here are some (though not all) of them:

• This generic Frank Thomas card that may have been made with construction paper and line tape.
• This Keith Comstock minor-league card that's just plain nuts.
• The 1990 Topps Calvin Schiraldi crapfest that looks like it was shot with an old, broken flip phone.
• Anything from those terrible Comic Ball sets (but especially this one).
• This blindingly pink Griffey card.
• Bo Jackson posing like Punky Brewster while wearing an ace of spades jacket (both sides).
• And this one of Beaver Dick Pole. No, wait, that's the greatest card of all time. Our mistake.

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Name: Rheal Cormier
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 0.3 ounces of cardinal crap scratched off your shoulder
Key 1991 stat: One bird barely sneaking onto the card
Here's what Rheal Cormier stands for:

Real name; make that, "Rheal" name
Haircut is Little Boys No. 5
Even the cardinal looks ashamed to be on this card
Awkward grin was actually his best look
Lighting in this photo signals amateur photography

Circle change is the only pitch he could throw, apparently
Often told teammates to "keep it Rheal"
Rigid hat looks like it's made of cardboard
Meticulous grooming habits are something ...
Important to Cardinals other than Cormier
ERA was so high, it didn't seem "Rheal"
Right, that joke never gets old

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Lots of green (see above)
Key 1990 stat: 14 sourdough crabs eaten before this photo was taken
Will doesn't look thrilled; a few of the guys who had been testing his patience:

• A flagrant steroid user
• Some headline-chasing prima donna
• Two guys pretending to get erotic
• The members of the Pacific Sock Exchange
• A cereal-eating FBI agent
• Some dude wearing makeup
• A stark reminder of himself
• Reggie Jackson's teacher's pet
• Some hungover jerk
• A sausage-craving San Franciscan

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman