Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Name: Christian Okoye
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Running back
Value of card: One red cent
Key 1991 stat: Drank 25 cases of Killian's Irish Red
Time for a pop quiz about the Nigerian Nightmare: So, what's with all the red?

A) Okoye's apartment was directly across the street from a Kenny Rogers Roasters.
B) That's just Okoye's darkroom. He was really into photography     of his biceps.
C) Due to poor contract negotiations, Okoye was forced to work in Amsterdam's Red Light District during the offseason.
D) Okoye's contract was fine      he just dug working in the Red Light District.
E) None of the above.

Christian Okoye, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 61)

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Greg Olson (No, not him. Or him.)
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A dirty camouflage snot rag
Key 1993 stat: Four flat tires
The Legend of Greg Olson: Let's face it, catchers are rarely known for being fleet of foot. Greg Olson was no exception. Balding, thick-legged and carrying a boiler that would have made Greg Luzinski proud, Olson was a rock behind the plate and a boulder on the basepaths. So it was that in 1993, Olson sweet-talked the league into a controversial exception: They let him "run" the bases on a four-wheel ATV. Olson still had to bat normally, standing in the box, his gut bulging over the edge of home plate, but when he made contact, he was allowed to hop on the quad (idling next to him during the at-bat) and motor to first. Predictably, opposing managers pitched a fit, but Olson kept on riding      that is, until he ran over poor John Kruk on a bang-bang play at first in July. Kruk, who was also built like an all-terrain vehicle, shook off the accident, but Commissioner Bud Selig finally saw the potential for danger. Selig banned the ATV from the field of play, but still allowed Olson to ride around the diamond on one of his son's Power Wheels.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Name: Yogi Berra
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Bench coach
Value of card: "Ninety percent of the value is half of nothing," Berra said.
Key 1986 stat: 1 bench coach featured on a baseball card (all time)
Some of the leading Yogiisms that Berra used when helping coach the Astros in 1986:

• "You could observe a lot by watching this group. Well, maybe not."
• "It ain't over till it's over, unless we're talking about our World Series chances, which are over."
• "Watching this team lose is deja vu all over again."
• "Nobody comes to the Astrodome anymore. It's too crowded."
• "This team is a bunch of overwhelming underdogs. Make that underwhelming overdogs."
• "They made too many wrong mistakes."

Yogi Berra (Astros Leaders), 1987 Topps

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Name: Ray Nitschke
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Middle linebacker
Value of card: Twice as much because of that awesome animated player in the left-hand corner
Key 1970 stat: 87 clocks cleaned
Marking the occasion: This is the 200th Football Friday here at the Bust, so we wanted to bring you a card of a classic football player. We won't be poking fun at Mr. Nitschke, mainly because we think he could still beat us to a bloody pulp from beyond the grave. He was the prototypical middle linebacker, a guy who hit so hard he practically invented the concussion. He wasn't really bald; he shaved his head like that to guarantee no hair would act as padding and lessen a blow. He was a man's man and his toughness helped define the NFL. So let us just go ahead and apologize for featuring you, Mr. Nitschke, on a blog written by a couple of weaklings.

Ray Nitschke, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 200)

Reggie Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Team, um, USA?
Positions: Honorary captain (apparently), retired baseball player
Value of card: The month of October, torn from a 1993 calendar
Key 1993 stat: Twice tried to peel the gold off that trophy, thinking there was chocolate inside
No, really: We know what you're thinking. "What does Reggie Jackson have to do with soccer or the World Cup?" It didn't make sense at first to us, either, but there are some links:

• Reggie's incredibly round, balding head resembles a soccer ball.
• Reggie is wearing mom jeans, and some moms take their kids to soccer practice.
• He's wearing a T-shirt that has either a soccer ball or a snowman's head on it.
• In "The Naked Gun," he was programmed to kill the Queen of England, and the Brits sure do love their football.

Reggie Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 4)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Name: Marc Savard
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Center
Value of card: A busted remote control with no batteries
Key 2010-11 stat: Six straight weeks curled up on the couch
Here's how Marc Savard spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Savard woke up on the couch. He grabbed the Cup and sat back on the couch. His wife made him lunch and he ate it on the couch with the Cup. He watched some TV on the couch. He watched some more TV on the couch. His wife brought him a beer and he drank it on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch, curled up with the Cup. He ate a TV dinner on the couch. He fell asleep on the couch again. He snored on the couch. (Now that's how you spend a memorable day with the Cup.)

Marc Savard, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 3)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Names: Chester Marcol, Bobby Howfield
Teams: Green Bay Packers, New York Jets
Position: Kickers, both of 'em
Value of card: Four broken kicking tees
Key 1972 stats: Kicked a lot of field goals, or something
It's time for a special (teams) Matchup:

Round 1: Tiny little itsy-bitsy head (Winner: Marcol)
Round 2: Jersey airbrushed green even though he didn't switch teams (Winner: Marcol)
Round 3: Illuminated by the sweet, bright light of heaven itself (Winner: Howfield)
Round 4: Cultivated sideburns to make up for male-pattern baldness (Winner: Howfield)
Round 5: White-guy 'fro (Winner: Marcol)
Round 6: Could be mistaken for some sort of English gentleman (Winner: Howfield)
Round 7: Could be mistaken for a 12-year-old (Winner: Marcol)
Round 8: Mastered the art of posing in front of a tree (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Marcol 4, Howfield 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: It went down to the wire, but thanks to his boyish charm and needlessly retouched uniform, Chester Marcol split the uprights in this Matchup, sending Bobby Howfield and the Jets to another defeat. (Don't worry, they're used to it.)

Chester Marcol and Bobby Howfield, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 199)

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Name: Charlie Moore
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: More than nothing? Doubtful
Key 1980 stat: Squinted 75 percent of the time
Things Charlie could have used Moore of:

• Hair
• Baseball acumen
• Deodorant
• Friends
• Good life choices

Things Charlie could have used less of:

• Waking up on the lawn
• Passed balls
• Rejection
• Crippling self-doubt
• Beard lice

Charlie Moore, 1981 Topps

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Name: Gary Carter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Abject terror
Key 1988 stat: 138 runners tagged out after petrifying them with the above glare
Holy jeebus: Dear lord, run away, Ryne Sandberg! Who cares if you go out of the baseline      Gary Carter is turning into some sort of hellbeast right before our very eyes! He means to wrap our bodies in catcher's pads made of fire and then eat our souls! Fly, you fools!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Gary Carter, 1989 Bowman (Fan Appreciation Week No. 5)

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Name: John Hadl's dad
Team: Dressed as a member of the Green Bay Packers
Position: Fake quarterback
Value of card: Getting your dad his own football card? Priceless
Key 1975 stat: One dream lived vicariously through his son
What a gift: John Hadl was a good son. He cared about his family and was always looking to repay his parents for all they did for him growing up. For holidays and birthdays, he always gave them the best gifts. But he outdid himself in 1976. You see, that's not John Hadl in the photo above. That's Mr. Hadl, John Hadl's dad. John, then the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, gave his dad the gift of a lifetime: a day acting like he was the quarterback for his favorite team, his son's Packers. Mr. Hadl got to dress in the green-and-yellow, throw passes to real (much younger) players, and even participate in a football card photo shoot. For one day, he could leave the cheesehead at home and rock the bald head at practice.

John Hadl, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 177)

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Name: Jay Buhner
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One frightened child
Key 1995 stat: Chewed through 22 bats
Fun facts about Jay Buhner and the North American beaver:

• The beaver has been extensively hunted for its fur. Buhner has extensively hunted for ways to grow hair.
• The beaver can be regularly found at its home in various bodies of water. Buhner spends lots of time at various watering holes.
• The beaver's young are primarily taken care of by their mother. Buhner's young, as seen above, is wishing desperately for his mother.
• Female beavers are often larger than their male counterparts of the same age. Buhner also liked his women larger than him.
• The beaver is known to eat the water lily, which bears a resemblance to a cabbage stalk. The last time Buhner ate cabbage, it was in sauerkraut and served on top of a 5-foot-long frankfurter at an eating competition.
• When alarmed, the beaver will slap the surface of the water with its broad tail. Buhner has alarmed many broads by slapping them below the tailbone.

Jay Buhner, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 7)

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Name: Cliff Harris
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Safety
Value of card: No less than if it had been thrown off a cliff
Key 1975 stat: Male pattern baldness
Here's what Cliff Harris stands for:

Cowboys might want to bring this guy back, after this past season
Laugh all you want at his hair, he still got more ladies than you
I mean it though       go ahead and laugh at his hair
Forty-three: Harris' uniform number
Forty-four: Inches of Harris' forehead

Handlebars would have made that mustache even sweeter
Ability to defend passes surpassed only by ability to avoid barbershops
Retired early to avoid risks of NFL life       and went drilling for oil
Rogaine, dude. Rogaine.
Immaculate mane flowing in the breeze
Six Pro Bowls played in       all before the game was moved to Hawaii (*sad trombone noise*)

Cliff Harris, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 156)

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Name: Moses Denson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: 21 dead locusts
Key 1974 stat: 40 years wandering the desert
Pray to Him for a card this good: Hold on. Just hold on a second, Topps. You think you're pretty funny, don't ya? So funny. Just so, so funny. Here we have Moses Denson, a fine 1970s running back. But his statistics and performance on the field don't matter. Just look at that name. Now toss out the last name. Yes, we're looking solely at "Moses." Moses, he of the 10 Commandments. He of Mount Sinai. He of the Red Sea. Hmm, the Red Sea. The gigantic body of water that the biblical Moses parted. And here we have modern-day Moses, who, by the grace of God, has parted his beard and hair in the same manner that biblical Moses parted a sea. Well played, Topps. Well played, Moses. Suck on that, Heston.

Moses Denson, 1975 Topps (Football Friday No. 152)

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Name: Mel Renfro
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: 25 cents off a prescription order of Propecia
Key 1974 stat: Blinded 12 receivers with the shine off his head
Top 10 nicknames for Mel Renfro and his hair(line):
10) Baldy Does Dallas
9) The 400-Head
8) The Pleasure Dome
7) The Helmet Under The Helmet
6) Baldilocks
5) Mr. Aerodynamic
4) No-Cover Corner
3) The Black Kojak
2) Mel Pattern Baldness
1) Mel Non-fro

Mel Renfro, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 142)

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Name: Ron Robinson
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's not worth the hair on Robinson's back
Key 1990 stat: 43 pounds gained
Let's look at Ron Robinson, by the numbers:

4,960: Hairs in beard
496: Hairs on head
2: Rhyming names
0: Respectable names
218.3: Innings pitched, 1990 for Milwaukee Brewers
218.3: Trees chopped down, 1990 for Johnson & Thompson Lumberjacks
12,985: Steely-eyed stares
12,985: Words muffled by voluminous beard
12,985: Brews drank by this Brewer

Ron Robinson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 55)

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Name: Michael Jordan
Team: Chicago Bulls
Position: Shooting guard
Value of card: $19.99 gift certificate to name a star after that special someone
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero legs
We sat down with Michael Jordan and asked him questions about space; here are his answers:

Michael, good to have you here. First question: What is the Milky Way made of?

Ask your sister.

OK, No. 2: What's your favorite planet?

It's certainly not Uranus. Wash down there.

Well, that's uncalled for. We'll move on. Can you explain the big-bang theory?

Yes.

Well? Can you elaborate?

The big bang? Ask your sister. And I thought about your second question. The answer: Heranus.

Listen, Mike, you're being pretty rude. We're big fans. You sure you want to act like this?

Yes. But let me explain interstellar space. Interstellar space is the physical space within a galaxy not occupied by stars or their planetary systems. The interstellar medium resides — by definition — in interstellar space.

Wow, Mike. That's really insightful. Anything else you'd like to add?

There's no air in space.

Huh-huh. But we've seen you in space, Air. Huh-huh.

No, there's no air in space. But Air's in your sister.

That's it. Interview over.

Michael Jordan, 1991-92 Fleer Pro-Visions (Air Jordan Week No. 7)

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Name: Garo Yepremian
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Back hair
Key 1976 stat: Fourth straight year without a haircut
Top 10 nicknames for Garo Yepremian in 1976:
10) The Bald Boot
9) Scumbag
8) That Guy Who's Always On The Blooper Reel
7) Sideburn Afro Man
6) The Chest Yeti
5) Squinty McCreeper
4) People's Sexiest Man of the Year
3) Weird Uncle Garo
2) The Furry Foot
1) Scare-o Yepremian

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Garo Yepremian, 1976 Topps (Football Friday No. 87)

Kevin Romine, 1991 Fleer

Name: Kevin Romine

Team: Boston Red Sox

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Soap scum

Key 1990 stat: 761 hairs lost

Time for a — oh, god that yellow is blinding — pop quiz:

Why is Kevin Romine tipping his cap?

(A) He's being recognized for not only being the president, but also a client.

(B) His teammates honored him for longest, flattest bulge of the season.

(C) He's being awarded the prestigious Golden 'Stache award.
(D) He's not tipping his cap; he's blocking the reflection off his massive forehead.
(E) None of the above.

Kevin Romine, 1991 Fleer