Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Ivan Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of "pudge"
Key 1997 stat: Thighs the size of Greek pillars
It's the latest edition of The Caption, which definitely did not run in the Dallas Morning News circa 1998: "Rangers catcher Ivan 'Pudge' Rodriguez has some impish fun with teammate Juan Gonzalez by distracting Gonzalez with a little game of 'Look Up My Shorts' before hitting him in the face with a medicine ball Thursday morning in Arlington."

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Vance Law
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Nothing; it's the Law
Key 1989 stat: 232 hours spent shagging
Top 10 things Vance Law was thinking at this moment:
10) "But I don't even know how to juggle."
9) "One, two, three ... uh, start over. One, two ... uh. One, two ..."
8) "I am Edward Ballhands."
7) "I should have grabbed a bat before I walked to the plate."
6) "This is the most impressive thing a Cubs player has done in three years."
5) "Don't mock me. I am the Law!"
4) "Careful, careful. We don't want these to hatch."
3) "I have four balls. Does that mean I get a walk?"
2) "What ... the ... hell ... are ... these ... things?"
1) "I have balls in my hands. Huh-huh."

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Ken O'Brien, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 3)

Name: Ken O'Brien
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 pounds of monkey dung
Key 1990 stat: 10 balls
Green with envy: Ken O'Brien might look like a Ken doll, but he was so much more. He was drafted in the first round of the famed 1983 draft that produced such legendary quarterbacks as Dan Marino, Jim Kelly and John Elway. A Ken doll can't say that. He was elected to the College Football Hall of Fame after playing at agriculture powerhouse UC Davis. A Ken doll can't say that. He won the inaugural NFL Quarterback Challenge that measured the physical skills of some of football's best passers in ways that didn't matter in games. A Ken doll can't say that. And, as evidenced above, he had balls. A Ken doll definitely can't say that.

Ken O'Brien, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 3)

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bert Blyleven
Team: California Angels
Position: Starter
Value of card: 28 grains of sand
Key 1990 stat: 1,932 hairs in beard
Top 10 things Bert Blyleven has fun doing at the beach:
10) He sunbathes, dressed in only a beard.
9) He struts around and asks all the bikini-clad chicks if they've made it to third base with a Hall of Famer.
8) He takes kids' beach balls, kneels down and laughs about it.
7) Rather than kicking sand in nerds' faces, he full-windup pitches it at them.
6) He makes a sand Angel.
5) He leads a wave.
4) He goes topless and shows off his jockstrap "bikini."
3) Secretly, he spikes the ocean with booze and tells everyone to drink up.
2) He spends hours on his sandbeard.
1) He catches crabs.

Bert Blyleven, 1991 Upper Deck

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 3 ounces of the dirt that gets captured in the jock strap's cup pouch during a game
Key 1996 stat: 142 pizzas eaten (Eh, oh!)
Don't mess with Piazza: Yeah, you're looking good. You're hauling tail around second, and then past third, and you're headed home. You're staring at that plate, and no one will get in your way. You can taste the go-ahead run you'll score for your team. You hustle, get down and slide toward home. And then — POW! — you get the Piazza special. Right in the dainty grapes. Right in the short-and-softies. Right in the soft-boiled eggs. Right in the tender 'ronis. Right in the oval oysters. Right in the man guts. Yup, for Piazza, the count is always two balls, one strike.

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Name: Jason Schmidt
Team: Durham Bulls
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 14 clouds
Key 1993 stat: One gray undershirt that had started the season white
It's all a bit hazy: Despite the fact that Jason Schmidt is holding this baseball up against the camera lens, we still can't read what it says. Can you?

A) Unofficial penciled-in mustache
B) Official double-chin league
C) Offensive baseball language
D) Official Sinclair Lewis
E) Optical illusion liquor

Jason Schmidt, 1994 Upper Deck Top Prospects

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Name: Matt Morris
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three overfried Rocky Mountain oysters
Key 2002 stat: 10 terrible puns
A post for all the marbles: Matt Morris was having a monumental 2002 season, winning games, striking out hitters and controlling his balls whenever they left his hand. Though some of his boys thought he was nuts, he stuck to his routine: have eggs in the morning, toss stones in the early afternoon, exercise in strange ways focusing on the area between his legs in the late afternoon, and play with his stepchildren at night. Despite the criticism, Morris stuck to the family jewels of wisdom his father gave him: When in doubt, turn your head and cough, and never stick hooks in the tackle. Stick to those, he'd say, and you'll always pass the testes.

Matt Morris, 2003 Fleer Ultra

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

Name: Brian Barnes
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Colon blockage
Key 1990 stat: One screw loose
That boy ain't right: Have you ever heard someone talk about a player who "sleeps, drinks and eats baseball"? Well, Brian "Wild Man" Barnes did one of those things. When the Expos found Barnes wandering the Canadian wilderness in the summer of 1984, he was a feral teenager wearing only a dirty loincloth and hunting moose with a spear. The team president took him in, trained him to hurl a baseball instead of a weapon, and soon had a pitching prospect on his hands. There was just one problem: The smell of the ball's cowhide cover made Barnes' stomach growl. Under supervision, he was fine, but left alone, he would devour an entire case of baseballs, grinning the whole time. Despite the team's best efforts, Barnes was found dead on a locker room floor in 1994, red lacing string and pieces of leather scattered around him. During an autopsy, doctors found enough rawhide and twine in his gut to create a line of ladies' handbags.

Brian Barnes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 10)

David Nied, 1993 Studio

Name: David Nied

Team: Colorado Rockies

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One manicure at Gimme a Hand Nail Salon

Key 1992 stat: Three hangnails

Script from Rawlings baseballs TV commercial, circa 1993: "Hey, sports fans, David Nied here for Rawlings baseballs. You ever go out to play catch with your kids and realize you have nothing to throw to them? Go out and grab some balls. You ever want to take some swings but have nothing to hit? Go out and grab some balls. You ever want to toss it around with a buddy, but all you have is a couple of gloves? Go out and grab some balls. Take it from me, a guy who always has a handful of balls, if you're not holding them, things can get a little testy."

David Nied, 1993 Studio

Dave Winfield, 1991 Studio

Name: Dave Winfield
Team: California Angels
Position: Right field
Value of card: One case of Rawlings baseballs
Key 1990 stat: 400 balls cupped
My, what big hands you have: Wow, and we thought Julio Franco's 1991 Studio card was sexual. It turns out the Studio photographer that year was actually a disturbed 14-year-old boy in his parents' basement who had professional athletes do highly suggestive things with baseball equipment. We've now seen Winfield cupping multiple leathery balls, Franco whispering sweet nothings to his bat, Tom Glavine making bedroom eyes at the camera and Eddie Murray tickling himself. More research is needed, but we can only assume cards exist from this set featuring Roger Clemens holding handcuffs in his glove, a shirtless, oiled Cecil Fielder, and Keith Hernandez making sweet love to himself.

Dave Winfield, 1991 Studio