Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Name: Roy Gerela
Team: Houston Oilers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 6 drops of oil
Key 1970 stat: 12 nights spent in the basement of the Alamo (behind him)
Here's what Roy Gerela stands for:

Rascally haircut for a rascally kicker
Oil covered his body on many nights spent alone
Younger than most players by looking at that hairdo

Gazing into the far beyond, he saw his future on a terrible sports card
Eyes strangely the same blinding color of his uniform and the sky
Rarely found time to comb his bangs between kicks
Everyman who most men would avoid
Little illustrated kicker in the corner was a much tougher dude
Adam's apple could serve as a shiv in a streetfight

Roy Gerela, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 210)

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Name: Morten Anderson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 10 toenail clippings
Key 1990 stat: 240 hours spent perched on a goal post
Conversation between Pro Line photographer and Morten Anderson, circa 1990:
Pro Line Photographer: "Morten, Morten, will you please come down from there?"
Morten Anderson: "No. No, no, no, no. No!"
PLP: "Morten, please, this is supposed to be a professional photo shoot."
MA: "I don't wanna. I don't have to take some stupid picture if I don't wanna."
PLP: "Morten, this is written into your contract. Please, come down."
MA: "My mom says I don't have to do anything that I don't want to."
PLP: "Morten, this will be quick. Please come down and I'll take a photo and we'll be done. I'll even give you a candy bar."
MA: "Fine, I'll come down. But I'm not putting on any pants or combing my hair."
PLP: "Forget it. (shoots photo) We're done here."
MA: "But you promised me a candy bar!"

Morten Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 47)

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Names: Norm Snead, Earl Morrall
Teams: New York Giants, Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Zero rushing yards, combined
Key 1972 stat: Zero logos
It's time for a pass-happy edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Movie star bangs (Winner: Snead)
Round 2: Military flat top (Winner: Morrall)
Round 3: Dentist-friendly teeth (Winner: Snead)
Round 4: Johnny Unitas look-alike (Winner: Morrall)
Round 5: Desire to represent team (Winner: Tie, neither)
Round 6: Four-letter first name that could be the same as your grandfather's (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Crayola-drawn jersey (Winner: Morrall)

Score: Morrall 3, Snead 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: When two top passers get matched up, the contest is sure to be tight. Luckily for Morrall, a 4-year-old with a crayon helped push him over the edge to victory.

Norm Snead and Earl Morrall, 1973 Topps NFL Passing Leaders (Football Friday No. 206)

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Name: Jim Wohlford
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: A giant pile of dog crap
Key 1980 stat: 206 bologna sandwiches eaten
Top 10 wrinkles on Jim Wohlford's face:

10) That laugh line on the left side of his face
9) The laugh line next to that one
8) The other laugh line next to that second one
7) That murder of crow's feet
6) The one over by his right ear
5) No, not that one, that one
4) The wrinkle that appears to actually be on his right ear
3) The ones that also seem to house his eyelids
2) All of the forehead ones covered by his bangs
1) That one running down the middle of the bridge of his nose. Weird.

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Name: Ed Figueroa
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Nada, deep in the heart of Texas
Key 1980 stat: 365 days, zero haircuts
It's time for a Texas-size pop quiz:

Just how rough-and-tumble was Ed Figueroa's life?

(A) He once shot dead eight desperados with a six-shooter.
(B) He once drank three bottles of XXX whiskey, and then peed into a bottle, and then drank from that bottle of what had become XXXX whiskey.
(C) He once smoked a thick cigar, chewed a can of tobacco and smoked a pack of nonfiltered cigarettes — and then he woke up.
(D) He once rode the meanest bucking bull in three states for eight minutes; they were later married.
(E) All of the above.

Ed Figueroa, 1981 Topps

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Name: Mark Grace
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: First base
Value of card: Each diagonal line represents 1 cent the card is worth
Key 1988 stat: 108-year championship drought
It's time for a pop quiz with a bit of a curse:

What name could "grace" this card and better reflect the illustration?

(A) Mark Ineptitude
(B) Bark Face
(C) Please Erase
(D) Marks Replace
(E) Grace Jones
(F) Mark Disgrace
(G) All of the above

Mark Grace, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 6)

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Jesse Orosco
Team: New York Mets
Position: Reliever
Value of card: Whatever Mr. Orosco says it's worth
Key 1984 stat: Whichever stat Mr. Orosco would like us to highlight
Whatever you say, Mr. Orosco: Um, hello there, sir. Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary — and, of course, quite good-looking. And you're an awesome pitcher. The best we've ever seen. Yes, um, yes. We would never think of making fun of you or your Diamond Kings baseball card because, um, what could we make fun of? We couldn't possibly find anything wrong with such a beautiful illustration or with such an attractive face. Just promise us you won't sneak through one of our windows at night and kill our families with baseball stirrups and a hacksaw. Also, in closing, let us just say that we love your bangs and hair wings, asymmetrical eyes, shadowy profile and translucent skin. They're beautiful attributes. What's that? ... Oh, this is actually a photo of Orosco's corpse. Well, in that case, this is one of the most frightening cards we've ever seen, and it would be better served in a gallery of serial-killer images than in a Diamond Kings set.

Jesse Orosco, 1985 Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Name: Larry Parrish
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Third base
Value of card: Unlike his beard, it's not priceless
Key 1981 stat: 761 ladies who swooned at the sight of his beard
10 glorious things about Larry Parrish's beard:
10) With just a bit of dye, it allowed him to sing in front of thousands of fans at a Kenny Rogers concert.
9) It deflected bullets when he was shot on the mean streets of Montreal.
8) He could use it to remove baked-on food from pots and pans.
7) It provided a convenient place to store chew spit.
6) It allowed him to apply to become part of this illustrious group; his request is still pending.
5) He could be Chewbacca every Halloween.
4) It made him the manliest man in Japan when he played for the Hanshin Tigers and Yakult Swallows.
3) It took attention away from the "blinding pinwheel" Expos uniform.
2) He was able to spend his offseason working as a mountain goat.
1) It winked at the ladies for him.

Larry Parrish, 1982 Donruss

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Name: Rheal Cormier
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 0.3 ounces of cardinal crap scratched off your shoulder
Key 1991 stat: One bird barely sneaking onto the card
Here's what Rheal Cormier stands for:

Real name; make that, "Rheal" name
Haircut is Little Boys No. 5
Even the cardinal looks ashamed to be on this card
Awkward grin was actually his best look
Lighting in this photo signals amateur photography

Circle change is the only pitch he could throw, apparently
Often told teammates to "keep it Rheal"
Rigid hat looks like it's made of cardboard
Meticulous grooming habits are something ...
Important to Cardinals other than Cormier
ERA was so high, it didn't seem "Rheal"
Right, that joke never gets old

Rheal Cormier, 1992 Bowman

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Name: Kurt Stillwell
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: This 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell card is worth as much as two other 1986 Topps Kurt Stillwell cards. Why? Because they're all worthless
Key 1985 stat: 4,213 Bloods gang members who owned this jacket
It's time for a blinding-red pop quiz:

How could there be more red on this card?

(A) Stillwell could be a forever-cursed full ginger rather than a forever-cursed half ginger
(B) The whites of Stillwell's eyes could be red, just like the whites of the eyes of all who looked at this card
(C) Stillwell could have been exposed as a Soviet spy 10 seconds before this photo was taken
(D) More zits.
(E) All of the above.

Kurt Stillwell, 1986 Topps

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six diamonds (playing cards, not gemstones)
Key 1987 stat: 412 children frightened
Baseball's back, and so are Diamond Kings: We're ruining a perfectly good week again. In the past, we brought you atrocious, god-awful and dreadful installments of this famed Donruss series, but we had an idea (just one): Why not focus on Diamond Kings that are more frightening than they are funny? Well, we were mentally exhausted with coming up with our one idea for the week, so we couldn't think of a reason to stop ourselves from bringing you Disturbing Diamond Kings Week. Again, we apologize in advance.
What makes this particular Diamond King so disturbing? Short answer: a lot of things. We can start with Calderon's parents, who appear by his name and his looks to be a Russian soldier and a Puerto Rican yeti. Then, of course, we have Calderon's exploding afro, which we can only imagine covered poor people over a 2-mile radius in Soul Glo juice. And we would be remiss if we didn't mention Calderon's time as a drummer. But perhaps the most disturbing thing on this card — no, not the cockeyed chin or octopus bangs — is the tiny Pete Incaviglia who has taken the place of a tiny Ivan Calderon. Now that's disturbing.

Ivan Calderon, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 12 pimples
Key 1987 stat: Best bangs this side of the Pecos
Steady your stomachs, it's recipe time: Here's how to cook your very own Mike TenderLoynd.

2 tbsp. Proactiv pimple cream
1 lb. unseasoned horse loin
1 rubber arm
4 oz. ear wax
1 can of Ranch Style Beans
Dash of eyebrow (extra thick)

Rub the Proactiv into one side of the horse loin until it disappears, then beat weakly with the rubber arm. Throw the loin into a dirty pot with the other ingredients, then simmer on medium-low heat for 26 games or until ERA reaches 6.00. Plate and then serve to the opposing team, as they always feast on Loynd.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mike Loynd, 1988 Donruss

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Name: Randy Braun
Team: Indianapolis Indians
Position: Infield
Value of card: Two chunks of dried lacquer from a cigar store Indian
Key 1989 stat: Eight "driples" (official scorecard doubles when thrown out trying to take third)
Montreal Expos' scouting report on minor-leaguer Randy Braun: "Clearly his last name is a misnomer. ...  Doesn't mind playing on a team with an even more racist and less artistic American Indian logo than we see in Cleveland. ... We'll need to remind him his pocket protector isn't part of the uniform. ... Might have a future as our minor league mustache coordinator. ... Fills our quota of gingers; oh, wait, we don't want any gingers. ... With a little work, we can turn his tuft of bangs into the beginnings of an Indian feather. ... If his elf ears are any indication, he might have magical powers. ... His eyes are the color of mine if I were to tell you that he had a shot at the big leagues."

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Weathers
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 fish bones, regurgitated
Key 1992 stat: 365 weather forecasts watched
10 "Weathers" descriptions during this photo shoot:
10) "Cloudy with a chance of ineptitude"
9) "Overcast ... as a decent pitcher"
8) "Mock turtleneck weather"
7) "Looks like rain; smells like fish"
6) "Rain with glimpses of blinding teal"
5) "Whiteout condition"
4) "It's raining cats, dogs and eyebrows out there"
3) "Showers — intermittent as best"
2) "Driving bangs across the forehead"
1) "Ugly out there"

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps

Name: Ron Tingley
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 14 spent matches
Key 1988 stat: .324 burrito-eating average
It's time for another pop quiz:

Just what made Ron all "Tingley" inside?

(A) His full-body mesh underwear.
(B) Gigantic racist logos on his head.
(C) Getting incredibly too close to a female Topps photographer.
(D) Two — just two — wafts of his golden bangs gently teasing his forehead.
(E) Staring at his Caucasian-colored mustache in the mirror.
(F) All of the above.

Ron Tingley, 1989 Topps