Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Name: Patrick Ewing
Team: New York Ticks
Positions: Center, monster
Value of card: One bolt in the neck
Key 1997-98 splat: 26 games played
Happy Halloween from the Bust. Here are a few things that Patrick Ewing and the Knicks have in common with Frankenstein:

• Frankenstein's monster shuffled around slowly when walking. Sounds like Patrick Ewing in the late '90s to us.
• Frankenstein's monster was sewn together using parts from stolen from corpses. We're pretty sure Ewing's knees have a similar story.
• "Young Frankenstein" is pretty funny, but not as funny as New York Knicks basketball.
• "Frankenstein" is a horror story, but if you want to scare a Knicks fan, just tell them Isaiah Thomas is taking over as GM again.

Patrick Ewing, 1997 Sports Illustrated for Kids (Halloween Special 2014)

Elliot Perry, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Name: Elliot Perry
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Position: Guard
Value of card: About a buck (huh, huh; you with us?)
Key 1995-96 stat: 26 sweatsocks
It's time for a hard-court pop quiz:

What exactly does "kickin' it 'Socks' style with 'E.P.'" mean?

(A) You get in a bathtub and cover yourself in dirty laundry for no apparent reason.
(B) You stuff socks in your jock with "E.P.," stand about 3 feet apart and stare at each other.
(C) You get so drunk in Milwaukee you wake up like this.
(D) You don't do anything; you just smell like feet.
(E) All of the above.

Elliot Perry, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Dikembe Mutombo, 1996-97 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Center
Value of card: (wags finger in your face)
Key 1995-96 stat: (wags finger in your face)
Here are some things that elicited Dikembe Mutombo finger wags:

• Opponents putting up weak shots and getting blocked (not in his house).
• Wearing a classic, tasteful basketball jersey (not in his house).
• Opting not to perform as a facsimile of himself in a car insurance commercial (not in his house).
• Referees calling goal-tending after he brought a stepladder onto the court and put his head in the hoop (not in his house).
• Posing like an idiot for a cheap basketball card (definitely in his house).

Dikembe Mutombo, 1996-97 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (NBA Playoffs Week No. 5)

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

Name: Wes Unseld
Team: Washington Bullets
Position: Coach
Value of card: As many cents as Coach Unseld had winning seasons (translation: zero)
Key 1990 stat: 816 death glares
Here's what Wes Unseld stands for:

Wizards or Bullets ...
Either way, Washington fans haven't had much to celebrate until this year
Suspenders for pants, suspension lift for hair

Unseld could have started ahead of most of his players in the early '90s
Nobody on the bench could see around that sizable backside
Skinny tie? No, just a wide man
Eyeglasses appear to be molded to his head
Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays
Down deep, though, he just wants a hug

Wes Unseld, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 4)

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 71 seaman jokes
Key 1992-93 stat: Zero restful sleep
It's time for a military-style Caption, that likely didn't run in the Stars and Stripes circa 1992: "David Robinson sleeps in a pose that almost certainly won't lead to a back injury later in his career on a bunk next to a hybrid telephone-coffee maker after sneaking aboard the USS Toledo as part of a wild night with his former classmates at the U.S. Naval Academy reunion Saturday in Annapolis, Md."

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Wesley Person, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Name: Wesley Person
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Guard
Value of card: One dollar, ripped into 11 pieces and thrown in the pool
Key 1996-97 stat: Zero shots made underwater
Zing go the strings: Another season of dunks, flops and depressed Knicks fans is nearing its conclusion. To celebrate, we're bringing you seven more ludicrous basketball cards to match the number of steps LeBron can take before the refs call him for traveling. We'd say "Enjoy!" but that's probably a reach.
The wisdom of Upper Deck: As noted on the above card, Wesley Person could make jumpers in any kind of environment, apparently including while wearing a basketball uniform underwater. Here are a few shots of Person in assorted environments that didn't make the cut for this card.

• Inside a meat locker, with a basketball made of meat
• In space, with Patrick Ewing defending him
• While being severely burned by a flamethrower
• While being chased by a pack of hungry Arctic wolves
• Inside a hockey rink, taking a Steve Nash slapshot to the groin

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wesley Person, 1996-97 Upper Deck (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Name: Kelly Tripucka
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Forward (right, ladies?)
Value of card: 11 dead, wingless hornets
Key 1988-89 stat: One "F" missing from last name
Looking good in Charlotte: Gaze upon it, dear readers. It's the late 1980s, mullets are high fashion, and Kelly Tripucka is rockin' a winner that's matched only by his on-the-court skirt. Sure, Tripucka looks like Ben Stiller, but when you have a mullet like that ... what's that? Wait ... a ... second! Holy hemorrhaging hemorrhoids, that's no mullet! That's a conjoined twin bulging from Tripucka's back! The hair from one twin is making it look like the other is all business up front and party in the back. Well, you can't fool the Bust, Ben Stiller. You're stricken from the Mullet Hall of Fame. But, we will give you credit for the chest sweater you're hiding under that tank.

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Name: Uwe Blab
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 17 snippets of construction paper
Key 1989-90 stat: Two 6-inch knees
Let's see what Uwe Blab stands for:

Ugh, what a name
West Germany lost its best name when Blab immigrated to the United States
Ewe-y; it's pronounced "Ewe-y"!

Blob!
Legs that just don't stop
Added bonus: a ginger
Beware the bulge of the Blab

Uwe Blab, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 6)

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Brickowski
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Positions: Forward and center
Value of card: One half-eaten all-beef frank
Key 1990-91 stat: His most likely shot outcome was right there in his name
Time for The Caption, which possibly ran in the San Antonio Express sometime in 1990, maybe: "Spurs center Frank Brickowski looks confused while trying to inbound the ball during a rare on-court appearance Tuesday in San Antonio. Brickowski later said that he mistakenly checked into the game after mishearing coach Larry Brown, who was singing loudly to The Commodores' hit 'Brick House' during a timeout."

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Name: Fred Roberts
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Position: Forward
Value of card: 99 cents off your next flat-top
Key 1989-90 stat: One eyebrow to rule them all
It's halftime of Return of White Ballers Week; here's a quiz: Fred Roberts played 13 seasons in the NBA, but what did he do after he hung up his sneakers?

A) He became a spokesman for the Unibrow Awareness Coalition
B) He joined the Marines, but only for the free haircuts
C) He lost a copyright lawsuit after starting his own television puppet show, "Mr. Roberts' Neighborhood"
D) He started taking part in male beauty pageants
E) He became a judge on TV hit "Top Chef"

Fred Roberts, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 4)

Kurt Rambis, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Kurt Rambis
Team: Phoenix Suns
Position: Forward
Value of card: One laser disc copy of "Rambo III"
Key 1990-91 stat: Legs constantly at a 45-degree angle
An artistic impression of this Skybox jewel: Here we see a man in the midst of struggle. His face is taut, his body straining, his mullet drenched in grease, sweat and desperation. He struggles with anger      is it toward a colleague, an official, or perhaps his coach for sending him back to the bench? He struggles with his vision, but also with the 8-pound glasses that are meant to help him. He struggles to clothe himself, wearing shorts that were clearly designed for a boy. He struggles to move past his purple-and-gold past into an orange future, as so cleverly symbolized in those geometric shapes. And he struggles with a basketball, clearly speeding through his hand and straight toward his barely covered groin. This is man. This is struggle. This is Rambo.

Kurt Rambis, 1990-91 Skybox (Return of White Ballers Week No. 3)

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Name: Dan Hester
Team: Kentucky Colonels
Position: Forward
Value of card: One empty, grease-stained KFC bucket
Key 1971-72 stat: 80 percent of head covered by hair
Top 10 things that could be found in Dan Hester's muttonchops:

10) Actual mutton
9) More pimples
8) The ABA's future
7) An aroma resembling a Moroccan sewer
6) 4.2 gallons of sweat
5) 4.2 gallons of delicious bourbon
4) A family of swallows
3) Three more of those stupid necklace things that he's wearing
2) A red, white and blue basketball
1) The rest of his forehead, somehow

Dan Hester, 1971-72 Topps ABA (Return of White Ballers Week No. 2)

Christian Welp, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 1)

Name: Christian Welp
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: One religious tract left under your windshield wiper
Key 1989-90 stat: Only time in the spotlight was on this card
Get these men some spray-tan: It's been three years since the Bust brought out its first set of White Ballers, and the Internet hasn't been the same since. OK, it's been exactly the same, but that's not stopping us from plastering it with seven more of the pastiest dudes to ever hit the hardwood. Now, just in time for March Madness, let the mullets and short-shorts begin!
Christian didn't have a prayer: Many people believe the word "welp," most often used during awkward pauses or when there's nothing more to say, originated from the movie "Dumb and Dumber." But we linguists here at the Bust know better. The word's origins trace back to former San Antonio Spurs coach Larry Brown. You see, while Brown at first would scream Christian Welp's surname every time the center blew an open layup, gave up a rebound to a much shorter player, or had yet another pass bounce off his granite-like hands, these occurrences became so common that the coach stopped yelling the name and instead started speaking it at normal volume with hints of expectancy and resignation. Christian didn't box out? Welp. Christian threw the ball out of bounds? Welp. Christian forgot to wash his mullet? Welp, Welp, Welp.

Christian Welp, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 1)

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Name: Dick "Don't Call Me Richard" Harter
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Coach
Value of card: One commercial for Cialis
Key 1989-90 stat: Constantly chuckled at
Yes, we're 13 years old: Dick Harter. Say it out loud. Dick. Harter. Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter. Who will Dick Harter insert into the game next? Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter prefers rigid defense. Huh-huh. Dick Harter has a stiff coaching style. Huh-huh.

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

Name: Dick Versace
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Coach
Value of card: Two buttons sewn onto a tag
Key 1989-90 stat: 14 colors on tie
Brought to you by Versace: Coach Dick Mervyns and the Indiana Pacers were experiencing a tough start to the 1990-91 season. The team couldn't put together a winning streak, and the coach's decisions were questioned and his handling of the team was criticized. Knowing his job was on the line, Mervyns made a bold move: He worked out a first-of-its-kind merchandising deal with Italian fashion company Versace. He agreed to change his last name to "Versace" and wear only the sculpted suits on the sidelines. Though he looked sharp, the team didn't play that way, and the newly named Mr. Versace and his pinstripes were fired a quarter of the way through the season. The good news? More sweatpants.

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: Catching the last 12 seconds of Bob Seger's "Turn the Page" on the radio
Key 1992-93 stat: One smudge of blue paint
A legend from down under: Few people know that Australian rock band Men At Work used to be David Robinson's favorite music group. Indeed, when the Aussies broke up and stopped touring in 1986, The Admiral was crushed. Robinson, who knew the saxophone part to "Who Can It Be Now?" by heart, took it upon himself in the early '90s to form a Men at Work cover band, called Men at Lurk, in San Antonio. Robinson and his bandmates would play nightclubs and city parks before being chased off by bouncers, police officers, and members of the general public. But everything changed in 1996 when Men at Work founder Colin Hay, while visiting the Lone Star State, heard Men at Lurk covering "Down Under." Hay was so horrified by the poor attempt at his music that he immediately reformed his own band and got a restraining order against Robinson's group. The Admiral, saddened, locked himself in his bedroom and played the intro from George Michael's "Careless Whisper" for the next two days straight.

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox David Robinson Flagship Series (Heinous Hoops Week No. 4)

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)