Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob Jones
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Outfield, first base
Value of card: Deep in the heart of Texas, it's still worthless
Key 1985 stat: 741 times mistaken for one of the other 1,851,091 Bob Joneses
Here's what Bob Jones stands for:

Blacked out, but only because of his shades
Often said to have his head in the clouds
Background looks like a John Denver song

"Jake and the Fatman" was his favorite show
Only rocked American-themed cummerbunds
Neck seems to have a face on it
Exactly the type of player you want playing OF-1B
Sauntered around town in this pose

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bob Jones, 1986 Topps

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Vance Law
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Nothing; it's the Law
Key 1989 stat: 232 hours spent shagging
Top 10 things Vance Law was thinking at this moment:
10) "But I don't even know how to juggle."
9) "One, two, three ... uh, start over. One, two ... uh. One, two ..."
8) "I am Edward Ballhands."
7) "I should have grabbed a bat before I walked to the plate."
6) "This is the most impressive thing a Cubs player has done in three years."
5) "Don't mock me. I am the Law!"
4) "Careful, careful. We don't want these to hatch."
3) "I have four balls. Does that mean I get a walk?"
2) "What ... the ... hell ... are ... these ... things?"
1) "I have balls in my hands. Huh-huh."

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Names: Brad Pounders, Jerald Clark
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: 3 ounces of sun-burnt moss
Key 1988 stat: 1 double (half a double each)
It's time for a San Diego edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Aggressive tendencies (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Aggressive last name (Winner: Pounders)
Round 3: Eerie resemblance to Phil Simms (Winner: Pounders)
Round 4: Eerie resemblance to a guy about to whack you in the head with a bat (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Face as soft as a baby's bottom (Winner: Pounders)
Round 6: Face contorted into a monstrous snarl (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Winner because we're scared (Winner: Clark)

Score: Clark 4, Pounders 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: These two Padres were locked in a tight race, until the judges here at the Bust ran away out of fear of being knocked upside the head by Clark's bat.

Brad Pounders and Jerald Clark, 1989 Fleer Major League Prospects

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40/40 = 1 cent
Key 1988 stat: 40 (yup, just 40)
Some of the 40/40 clubs that Jose Canseco belonged to:

• 40 home runs / 40 stolen bases
• 40 ounces of mullet / 40 hats to cover mullet
• 40 yellow jerseys / 40 A's fans blinded by yellow jerseys
• 40 pieces of jewelry / 40 cents spent on vending machine jewelry
• 40 times mistaken for Ozzie Canseco / 40 times mistaken for a decent human being
• 40 holes in 5 square inches of mesh jersey / 40 holes in many of his drugs-in-baseball stories

Jose Canseco, 1989 Donruss 40/40 Club

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Name: Charlie Hayes
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Third base
Value of card: A roll of film, exposed to sunlight
Key 1995 stat: Traded (again)
Hot corner focus: When he wasn't playing baseball or being traded, Charlie Hayes liked to snap a few photos with his 3-foot telephoto lens. Here are some of the more candid shots he got while with the Pirates.

• Jim Leyland chain smoking
• Carlos Garcia being sewn together from body parts
• Al Martin wearing a leather jersey
• Zane Smith chewing on a clipboard
• Jay Bell dressing like an actual pirate

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Charlie Hayes, 1996 Upper Deck (Fan Appreciation Week No. 6)

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?

(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: 0.00732 ounces of ink, the amount used for that third-grade signature
Key 1981 stat: 42 minutes spent Dumpster-diving for his batting gloves
Whoa, big boy: Hey there, Darrell. How you doing? That's an awfully big stick you're, ahem, carrying. You have it positioned so gracefully, so naturally. It's like — gulp — an extension of you. So, um, do you come here often? Huh-huh, not like that. Sorry, we're a bit flustered. You're just so bold, so — gulp — big. What's that? You don't want to brag? Well, you may speak softly, but you definitely carry a big stick. Doing anything after the game?

Darrell Evans, 1982 Topps

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Name: Mike Schmidt, Pete Rose
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Third base, first base
Value of card: Two plays on a nickel slot machine
Key 1981 stat: 12,381 times ridiculed for uniforms' ridiculous color combination
It's time for a City of Brotherly Love edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Most tire rubber wrapped around chest and stomach (Winner: Rose)
Round 2: Weight of mustache, in pounds (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Haircut most likely to be seen on "Little House on the Prairie" (Winner: Rose)
Round 4: Most actual bird feathers in unkempt haircut's wings (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Volume of baby-blue bulge (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Amount of blood flow restricted due to skintight pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Number of clipboards held awkwardly at side during a (cough, cough) professional photo shoot (Winner: Schmidt)

Score: Schmidt 3, Rose 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was a tight battle with little love lost between Charlie Hustle and Schmidty in the City of Brotherly Love, but, as usual, the Hall of Famer came out on top. You can bet on it.

Mike Schmidt and Pete Rose, 1982 Donruss Phillies Finest

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two (refried) beans, one ball (stitches ripped out; peed on by a dog)
Key 1986 stat: Hit by pitch six times
It hurts to be The Hawk: Oh, man. It's tough being Andre Dawson. You had to start your career in French-speaking Montreal and you tore up your knees during your prime on artificial turf that was more like concrete than grass. Then you went to the Chicago Cubs, who fielded laughable teams and continued the Curse of the Billy Goat when you should have been a star on the national scene. Somehow, you played through the pain in your knees and the pain of being a Cubbie and won an MVP award in 1987. Yet, despite all that — and somehow looking like a pro athlete in those Little League Cubs uniforms — your 1987 Classic card features a photo taken at the moment you're getting plugged in the face with a fastball. Ouch. Maybe it's just us, but a Hall of Famer deserves a little more respect. On the other hand, those are pretty weak break-dancing moves.

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ivan Calderon
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Wrist tape that's been cut off
Key 1993 stat: Lived up to his nickname of "Ivan the Terrible"
Here's a Caption that maybe ran in the Boston Globe circa May 1993: "After unnecessarily resting one arm on a towel-covered tray and placing a bat suggestively between his legs as he sits on a step, Red Sox outfielder Ivan Calderon stares ardently at the camera while rubbing his upper thigh and attempting to make his head more strongly resemble a mushroom, all while his batting gloves dangle nonchalantly from his rear pocket, Tuesday in Boston."

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Ivan Calderon, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Greg Myers
Team: California Angels
Position: Catcher
Value of card: It's worth ... LOOK OUT!
Key 1992 stat: 47 tosses of ... DUCK!
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Orange County Register in 1993: "California Angels catcher and mustache idol Greg Myers, center, demonstrates why it's not wise to replace your pine tar with Crisco even if you do use the all-vegetable shortening as gel for your unruly mullet — which, he says, the Southern California ladies love — because your bat could fly into the stands in a game against the Oakland A's and ricochet off a 3-year-old girl, a Republican National Committee fundraiser and an Armenian immigrant, turning at least one of them into an angel of the religious variety on Wednesday in Anaheim, Calif."

Greg Myers, 1993 Upper Deck

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Name: Will "The Thrill" Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: The stitching from the inside of a sweaty butt pocket
Key 1988 stat: 14 "thrills" (with the ladies)
Great card, right? Hey, this is an awesome late-1980s William Nuschler Clark card. Nothing like a photo of a player where you can't see his face or the name on his jersey. Creases, smudges and bent corners aside, it's in perfect condition. And check out those three totally radical triangles framing the W in The Thrill's name: thrilling. At least, for the ladies, you get a nice crumpled-pocket butt shot. Score should have put out more subsets like Superstars. What an idea: Take a mediocre photo you already have, throw on a boring red-and-blue border, flush it down the toilet and voila, you have another subset that you can use to take money from kid collectors' allowances. Score? This card is anything but.

Card submitted by Travis Johnson

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Rex Hudler, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rex Hudler
Team: California Angels
Positions: Second base, outfield
Value of card: 180 pounds of crazy
Key 1994 stat: One restraining order filed against him by a pole
Well, that explains it: Baseball players are notorious pranksters. They leave chewing gum bubbles on teammates' hats, they cover each other in shaving cream after big performances, and they're prone to the occasional hotfoot. But the Angels got really crazy in late 1994, when they covered a dugout pole with Super Glue, attached to it a photo of Chuck Finley's soon-to-be-wife, Tawny Kitaen, and told the gullible Rex Hudler that it was really her and that she wanted to make out with him. Hudler literally jumped at the chance, wrapping his limbs around the post, only to realize too late that he had been hung out to dry. He soon began yelling at teammates, fans and the Topps photographer, demanding that he and his two-dimensional lady-friend be cut free.

Rex Hudler, 1995 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jim Eisenreich
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used paper towel
Key 1996 stat: Cursed constantly, though it had nothing to do with him having Tourette syndrome
Sad but true: Jim Eisenreich made the horns sign everywhere he went      on the base paths, in the dugout, at the mall, even during family dinner night at Applebee's. But try as he might, the poor guy never got anyone to fall for the bait and make his dream come true. No, nobody ever called him "Jim Eisenrock."

Jim Eisenreich, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Name: Lenn Sakata
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Second base
Value of card: 2 ounces of crumbled cicada shells
Key 1980 stat: 29 instances where Sakata's similarity to the Orioles mascot was pointed out by fans
Fun facts about the cicada, a winged insect, and Lenn Sakata, an Orioles infielder:

• The cicada is recognizable by its transparent, well-veined wings. Sakata is recognizable by his curly, well-groomed wings.
• The cicada is related to leafhoppers and spittlebugs. Sakata is related to people who get hopped up and spittle all over themselves.
• The cicada has prominent eyes set wide apart on its head. Sakata has prominent glasses that make his eyes appear to be set wide apart on his head.
• The cicada comes out of its shell after a number of years. Sakata comes out of his shell after a number of brewskis.
• The cicada produces its distinctive song through noisemakers called "tymbals" on its abdominal base. Sakata also produces a distinctive noise from what could be called his "abdominal base."

Lenn Sakata, 1981 Donruss

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Name: Phil Clark
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Those creases would devalue the card if it weren't already worthless
Key 1992 stat: Three burnt-out marquee lightbulbs
Tigers' scouting report on "coming attraction" Phil Clark: "This guy's like a movie star; he's good at 'acting' like he can play. ... We like the 'stache, but want to see it connect to a set of lamb chops. ... His name is 'Phil'; well, he sure can 'Phil' a cup, if you know what we mean. ... Not sure about taking batting practice in a skin-tight jacket, but we do foresee hipster scumbags fighting over it 19 years from now. ... By the looks of things, it's not the first time the spotlight has been on his bulge. ... Don't worry, there's no chance he'll steal a nickname and become Phil 'The Thrill' Clark. ... Coming attraction? Doesn't appear to be in the stars."

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC

Name: Randy Braun
Team: Indianapolis Indians
Position: Infield
Value of card: Two chunks of dried lacquer from a cigar store Indian
Key 1989 stat: Eight "driples" (official scorecard doubles when thrown out trying to take third)
Montreal Expos' scouting report on minor-leaguer Randy Braun: "Clearly his last name is a misnomer. ...  Doesn't mind playing on a team with an even more racist and less artistic American Indian logo than we see in Cleveland. ... We'll need to remind him his pocket protector isn't part of the uniform. ... Might have a future as our minor league mustache coordinator. ... Fills our quota of gingers; oh, wait, we don't want any gingers. ... With a little work, we can turn his tuft of bangs into the beginnings of an Indian feather. ... If his elf ears are any indication, he might have magical powers. ... His eyes are the color of mine if I were to tell you that he had a shot at the big leagues."

Randy Braun, 1990 CMC