Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Name: Mike Singletary
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A single cent
Key 1992 stat: 40 pounds of neck muscle
It's time for The Caption, which absolutely did not run circa 1992 in the Chicago Tribune: "Bears linebacker Mike Singletary looks amused while modeling his new gameday helmet Saturday at Soldier Field. Things were much less amusing Sunday, however, when Singletary impaled two Vikings offensive linemen and quarterback Rich Gannon on his headgear before switching back to a regular helmet. All three Minnesota players are expected to survive."

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Wally Chambers, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 219)

Name: Wally Chambers
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: A pound of bear poo
Key 1974 stat: One mean glare
Hairstyle trademark infringement: 1974 was a tough year for Wally Chambers. Expectations were high after Chambers was named the Defensive Rookie of the Year in 1973, and while Chambers' on-field performance was fine, his extracurricular issues proved a distraction. Chambers attempted to trademark his hairstyle, a hard-part afro that he called the Wally Wall®. Bills wide receiver J.D. Hill quickly filed a lawsuit, claiming the Wally Wall® was just a ripoff of the Hill of Hair® parted on the other side. The two parters parties settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

Wally Chambers, 1974 Topps (Football Friday No. 219)

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Name: Mike Ditka
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Coach
Value of card: $1 off the blue-plate special
Key 1992 stat: 14 pounds of sauerkraut consumed
It's time to steady your stomachs for another Bust recipe: Ditka's is an actual chain of restaurants owned by the actual Mike Ditka. It's got a pretty good reputation, but thankfully no longer serves the Big Tuna Salad Sandwich, pictured above and named after fellow coaching legend Bill Parcells. Here's how you, too, can try that dish:

2 cans of tuna in oil
2 cans of tuna in water
1 tuna steak
1 spicy tuna roll
1 pair of Bill Parcells' dirty boxers
1 picture of Al Toon
4 pounds of mayonnaise
2 slices of white toast
4 ounces of grass from your yard

Make a salad from the grass     don't worry; if you want this dish, odds are you don't eat salad anyway. Then mix all the other ingredients in a large bowl. Pour the mixture into a large skillet, then throw away the bowl. Cook over low heat for 3 hours or until the mayonnaise becomes pungent. Serve on toast, incinerate the excess and throw away the skillet. Enjoy!

Mike Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 59)

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Names: Diana Ditka, Mike Ditka
Teams: Biker Mamas, Chicago Bears
Position: Coach's wife, head coach
Value of card: Two pairs of white pants (same style) for the price of one
Key 1991 stat: 182,290 bugs in teeth (combined)
Clearing up some rumors about Mike Ditka and his lovely wife, Diana:

• Diana Ditka does not use the phrase "riding the hog" when talking about motorcycles. That's the phrase she uses when discussing her married sex life.
• Mike Ditka is not wearing David Puddy's 8-ball jacket from "Seinfeld." He's wearing an even more ludicrous jacket.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, take his wife everywhere on his motorcycle. But she keeps finding her way home.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, need to wear a motorcycle helmet for safety. Diana does not     her hair serves the same purpose.
• This is not Mike Ditka's most embarrassing moment. That would be this video of him yelling at a bunch of kids about flushing the toilet (preferably after putting this card in it).

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Safety
Value of card: One rusty rivet
Key 1992 stat: Always wore gloves
10 strange things about this Mark Carrier card:

10) It was made, even though no one wanted it.
9) It was also made into a poster that no one wanted.
8) Mark Carrier's pants
7) Apparently, there is some sort of misty orange lake near the Sears Tower.
6) Apparently, Mark Carrier can stand atop said lake.
5) That plane is about to fall off that ship, but does Mark Carrier care? Nooooo.
4) Mark Carrier's gloves
3) Carrier appears to be lugging a spare jersey around with him, just in case.
2) He's got a towel tucked into his belt like some sort of helmet-carrying bartender.
1) There is clearly room for at least five more patches on that jacket. Get to work, Mark!

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Name: Maury Buford
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Punter
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1991 stat: Two first names that fell out of fashion long ago
It's a Sunday Caption, which could have appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times in 1991, maybe: "Bears punter Maury Buford kneels on the ground and looks longingly after the group of offensive linemen who removed and stole his pants while calling him 'Barfy Muford' as the evening breeze ruffles his windbreaker and mullet Friday morning in Chicago."

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Name: Steve McMichael
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Three shovelfuls of bear crap
Key 1990 stat: 2-inch indention in butt chin
It's time for a "Mongo" pop quiz:

Just why does Steve "Mongo" McMichael appear so confident?

(A) He knows he has the most wind-friendly mullet in the Windy City.
(B) Chicks dig Zubaz.
(C) He's not confident; he's concentrating on keeping his 47-pound head upright.
(D) He "Mongo." Mongo smash!
(E) All of the above.

Steve McMichael, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 31)

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

Name: Jim Covert
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: 11 pine needles
Key 1990 stat: 10 hiding places
Jim Covert's stream of consciousness from 1:12 to 1:14 p.m. March 14, 1991: "Nope, they'll never find me. For I am Jim Covert, the most covert of operatives the NFL has ever seen. I'll hide here, under this tarp. ... Drat! The photographer found me. I'll hide here, in this pile of dirty jockstraps. ... Foiled again by this blasted photographer. I'll hide here, behind this tree and within this tackling sled. ... Darn it all to heck, he found me again. Well, take your picture, my esteemed sleuth, for I am Covert, the man of a thousand hiding places, and no one will ever see me behind this mustache, under this beanie or wrapped up in 12 pounds of jacket."

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Name: William "The Refrigerator" Perry
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Defensive live, bowling ball
Value of card: One pair of Zubaz pants stretched out beyond all possible use
Key 1990 stat: Three missing teeth
The first of a season's worth of Shameful Sunday Portraits: Summer will soon turn to autumn, the leaves will fall, the air will become crisp, and hulking men in skin-tight uniforms will hurl their bodies at one another at breakneck speed with little regard for personal safety. Ah, yes, pro football is back, and we're commemorating what's sure to be a legendary season with a not-so-legendary Shameful Sunday Portrait for each week that goes by. So, enjoy these manly men every Sunday for the next 20 or so weeks. You can thank us later for the fashion tips.
10 kitchen-related nicknames the Fridge used:
10) The Garbage Disposal, for his stomach
9) The Kitchen Sink, for the only thing he wasn't going to eat for lunch but then did eat for lunch
8) The Sausages, for his fingers
7) The Dishwasher, for his wife
6) The Toaster, for when he trapped his wife under the sheets after passing gas
5) The Zubaz, for his Zubaz
4) The pot, for marijuana
3) The Ice Tray with a Few Missing Cubes, for his teeth
2) The Stocked Cupboard, for his gut
1) Da Udda Fridge, for his refrigerator

William Perry, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 1)

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

Name: Chris "Zorro" Zorich
Team: Chicago Scares
Position: Defensive tackle
Fright value of card: A bunch of Zzzzzzzz's
Key 1993 splat: One pair of headphones worn as part of costume
Chris Zorich's dating profile, circa 1994:

Screen name: Zorro69
Age: Veintinueve
Height: Two swords tall
Weight: 112 kilos
Hair color: La rojo bandanna
Hairstyle: Swashbuckling
Ethnicity: Mexican, circa 1840
Religious views: Banderas
Want children? Of course, but only with you, mi amore
Marital status: It's a mystery
Best feature: Mask
Smoke? Yes, but only with a cigarette holder
Drink? The finest wines

Seeking: A gay blade
Location: 1840s colonial Mexico, now California
Her/his body type: Covered in material that can be shredded by a sword
Her/his ethnicity: I prefer the brown ones

About me: I am Zorro, a man on the prowl for a man to share my nights and my secret identity. Me, a dashing, black-clad outlaw whose sword is as swift as his silver-tongued wit. You, anybody with a couple of holes. But, no, don't get upset. You can join me on clandestine adventures, during which I will take up arms against tyrannical villains, and, let's hope, take down their pants with a few swipes of my sword. Like that idea? I can add a "Z" to the back of your trousers, mi amore. Join me, Zorro, on my next romantic adventure.

Chris Zorich, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 6)

John Roper, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 5)

Name: John Roper
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 3 inches of rope, thrown in the john
Key 1990 stat: 42,754 hugs
Where's the love? Sometimes, it's tough being a Bear. John Roper was a monstrous man who could strike fear in the soul of many a man. But fear followed Roper, too, in the form of loneliness. The linebacker loathed being alone, but, after practices and games, that was often how he found himself. He tried subduing his sorrows in booze and pills, but he only felt more alone. Then, sage advice from his grandmother set him straight. "Just hug someone," she said. So he did. Roper hugged family members. He hugged strangers and teammates. He hugged anyone he saw, and then started hugging inanimate objects. He hugged trees. He shared long embraces with telephone poles. But it was the tackling sled, oh the tackling shed, that he kept closest to his heart, both literally and figuratively.

John Roper, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 5)

Tom Thayer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 1)

Name: Tom Thayer
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Right guard
Value of card: A bent spoke
Key 1991 stat: Everything rolled up
It's the NFL's opening week, aka Another Pro Line Week: Our first week honoring America's most ludicrous set of football cards was a smashing success (hey, we laughed). So, rather than stop while we're ahead, we've decided to bring you seven more days of this nonsense, highlighting what happens when NFL players take off the pads and helmets. It won't be pretty.
Tom Thayer's train of thought, from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., June 2, 1991: "Yep, judging from what I can see in this little mirror on my moped, I look pretty badass. ... Let's see. Socks: check. Pantlegs: check. Sleeves: check. What else can I roll up? ... I should be in a Night Ranger video. ... Good thing I remembered to shave and oil my legs this morning. ... I wonder if they'll be able to tell I'm holding a roast beef sandwich inside my jacket. Mmm, this thing's getting nice and warm."

Tom Thayer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 1)

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Name: Noah Jackson
Team: Chicago Bears
Positions: Guard, ark builder
Value of card: The gristle and fat left over from Jackson's mid-afternoon steak
Key 1978 stat: One male, one female of each species, two by two
10 things on Noah Jackson's ark:
10) Two elephants with heads the same size as Noah's
9) Giant, sweaty, hairy men, two by two
8) 11 bears on offense, 11 on defense
7) Type 2 diabetes
6) The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
5) Two giant pandas, two woodpeckers, one steamy night, one bad joke
4) One flat top. Just one.
3) One female grizzly bear, one Noah Jackson
2) A dove and an olive branch (tangled in Noah's beard)
1) After dinner, three fewer species

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Noah Jackson, 1979 Topps (Football Friday No. 83)

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Name: Mike Singletary

Team: Chicago Bears

Positions: Middle linebacker, among the flames

Value of card: Dollar bill, burned to ash

Key 1990 stat: Third-degree burns

Nothing cold about him: Mike Singletary had a steely stare and a fire burning inside. He fanned the flames of the vaunted Bears defense - when he was hot, so was the team. The middle linebacker attacked quarterbacks with a blaze of speed and devoured running backs at every turn. He was the spark the team needed and turned up the heat on the opposition. But if opponents really wanted to ignite his anger, they did one thing: They called him a flamer.

Mike Singletary, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (NFL Kickoff Week No. 7)

Walter Payton, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 2)

Name: Walter Payton

Teams: Chicago Bears (retired), Team 34 Racing

Positions: Running back, race car owner

Value of card: One Rolex knock-off

Key Super Bowl stat: 23 surgeries on hands

What is the most disturbing part of this card?

(A) Payton's thumb

(B) Payton's index finger

(C) Payton's middle finger

(D) Payton's ring finger

(E) Payton's pinkie finger

(F) The price football heroes of yesteryear paid for glory

(G) All of the above

Walter Payton, 1991 Pro Line (Super Bowl Week No. 2)