"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Name: "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
From: Palm Beach, Fla.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: Every card has a price (this one is just really, really low)
Key 1989 stat: Zero real gems or gold on that belt
Some of the things that money, apparently, couldn't buy:

• A tuxedo not made of school supplies
• A proper BeDazzler
• A real championship belt
• A decent hair dye job
• The realization that, these days, a million dollars really isn't that much money, especially if all of an individual's assets are assessed
• Dignity

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Reggie Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 4)

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Team, um, USA?
Positions: Honorary captain (apparently), retired baseball player
Value of card: The month of October, torn from a 1993 calendar
Key 1993 stat: Twice tried to peel the gold off that trophy, thinking there was chocolate inside
No, really: We know what you're thinking. "What does Reggie Jackson have to do with soccer or the World Cup?" It didn't make sense at first to us, either, but there are some links:

• Reggie's incredibly round, balding head resembles a soccer ball.
• Reggie is wearing mom jeans, and some moms take their kids to soccer practice.
• He's wearing a T-shirt that has either a soccer ball or a snowman's head on it.
• In "The Naked Gun," he was programmed to kill the Queen of England, and the Brits sure do love their football.

Reggie Jackson, 1993 Upper Deck World Cup Preview (World Cup Week No. 4)

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Name: Billy Martin
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Knowing that Billy Martin thinks you're No. 1
Key 1971 stat: Not yet fired by the Yankees
Let's run down The Chances:

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin is flipping off baseball card collectors everywhere: 37%
Billy Martin is flipping off the photographer: 64%
Billy Martin had a premonition and is pre-emptively flipping off George Steinbrenner: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card caused children to stop collecting sports cards: 4%
This card caused mothers to stop buying cards for their kids: 20%
This card caused Topps to start oh-so-discreetly airbrushing photos: 100%
 

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin felt ashamed after seeing this card: 12%
Billy Martin felt proud after seeing this card: 33%
Billy Martin continued to feel drunk after seeing this card: 100%

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Name: Felipe Crespo
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Even trade for a Mervyns $5 off coupon that expired in 1996
Key 1991 stat: 32 pinstripes (not the Yankees variety)
Today's fashion model: Here we have Felipe Crespo, who, it appears, has been thrown in fashion jail. Why was he thrown in fashion jail? Perhaps it's all those pinstripes, including the one that's plastered across his forehead in the form of eyebrows. Or maybe it's that belt, which he might have borrowed from Crocodile Dundee. Or maybe it's your grandpa's trousers that he's wearing. Nope, we got it: It's all of the above.

Felipe Crespo, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 6)

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Damon Buford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A case of poison ivy
Key 1991 stat: Two shades of gray
Today's fashion model: Today we have Damon Buford, a center fielder who might have a few holes in his swing, but doesn't have any in his wardrobe. Damon is looking dapper, wearing a suit that he made himself out of the drapes from his parents' bedroom. Even repurposed, those curtains still hang elegantly. Damon scoffs at the notion that belts need to be "tight" or "hold things up." Instead, he has taken an airplane seat belt and wrapped it nonchalantly around his waist. Touché! And Damon's brand new black mock-turtleneck completes his look, which resembles something a not-very-talented jazz musician might wear. With this much style, there's no doubt that Damon is "da man."

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Perona
Team: Lakeland Tigers 
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An empty bottle of Peroni
Key 1991 stat: Due to fair skin, unable to stand in the sun for more than five minutes
Spring training + spring fashion = the return of a classic: A few months back, the Bust set the fashion world on its head with Bowman Fashion Week, seven days' worth of cards from the 1992 Bowman set featuring a bunch of rookies and minor-leaguers wearing atrocious clothing. It was so popular, traffic to our site more than doubled, garnering up to 20 visitors per day. Hey, we're not ones to mess with success, so cover your eyeballs      it's time for more early '90s style.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Detroit Tigers draft choice Joe Perona taking a break in the shade. Too bad, Joe      your clothes are still hot! Joe's wearing an oversize button-down that incorporates every color known to man. And yes, those buttons do go all the way up. What's that you say? The pattern looks like somebody threw this shirt into the dryer with a bag of Skittles? Well, it's time to taste the rainbow! The bagginess of Joe's shirt is a tactical choice, covering his underdeveloped biceps and girlish waist, thus making him look more like an actual athlete. Downstairs, Joe's wearing a pair of his dad's Dockers and his only belt, a classic black number that he's had since he was 14. And while Joe will never make it past AA in baseball, that black leather wristwatch is ready for The Show. Cheers to you Joe      looking like this, you'll never be Perona non grata!

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Name: Mark Carrier
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Safety
Value of card: One rusty rivet
Key 1992 stat: Always wore gloves
10 strange things about this Mark Carrier card:

10) It was made, even though no one wanted it.
9) It was also made into a poster that no one wanted.
8) Mark Carrier's pants
7) Apparently, there is some sort of misty orange lake near the Sears Tower.
6) Apparently, Mark Carrier can stand atop said lake.
5) That plane is about to fall off that ship, but does Mark Carrier care? Nooooo.
4) Mark Carrier's gloves
3) Carrier appears to be lugging a spare jersey around with him, just in case.
2) He's got a towel tucked into his belt like some sort of helmet-carrying bartender.
1) There is clearly room for at least five more patches on that jacket. Get to work, Mark!

Mark Carrier, 1992 Skybox (Football Friday No. 184)

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "Stealth"
Team: San Diego Charred-gers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One picture of a stealth bomber, torn in two
Key 1994 splat: 19-pound belt buckle
Ways in which Junior "Stealth" Seau was not very stealthy:

• All that metal plate clanged a lot when he moved.
• That blue face paint may have been stealthy, but his biceps weren't camouflaged at all!
• Those shiny gold arm guards could be seen from miles away.
• His number was clearly visible. It's like he wasn't even trying!
• That pointy helmet would likely just end up poking somebody as he walked by.
• He was too proud of his flatulence to ever really enter stealth mode.

Junior Seau, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 2)

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Name: Brian Jordan
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One loss in fantasy football
Key 1997 stat: Many losses in fantasy football
We'll take a pass: Brian Jordan was a two-sport athlete for several years, playing defensive back for the Atlanta Falcons while climbing the St. Louis Cardinals' farm system. He even led the Falcons in tackles in 1991 and was a Pro Bowl alternate. But he signed a contract with the Cardinals in 1992 that required him  to quit football (except for ridiculous baseball card photo shoots, apparently). Here are a few of the Bust's other favorite two-sport stars.

• Deion Sanders, who was a football player, a baseball player, and just a player
• Bo Jackson, whose talent was almost as ridiculous as his sports cards
• Kenny Lofton, who loved sunglasses and short-shorts
• John Elway, who was a QB, a collegiate baseball player, and a lifelong thoroughbred-face
• Nolan Ryan, who threw hard pitches and punches

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Name: Brandon Phillips
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Second base
Value of card: One beaten-to-hell baseball glove, spray-painted gold
Key 2008 stat: Zero magic spells cast
Let's hand out some awards: As noted on this card, Brandon Phillips won a Gold Glove in 2008. Here are some other honors he's received.

• National League All-Hula Team, 2008
• Worst camouflage, Field and Stream magazine
• Participation ribbon, 2008 Hamilton County Fair Pie Eating Contest
• Elected vice president of the Greater Ohio Shiny Red Belt Society
• Customer of the month, June 2008, Big Jim's Wristband Emporium

Brandon Phillips, 2009 Upper Deck Award Winners

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Joe Randa, 1992 Bowman Foil

Name: Joe Randa
Teams: Kansas City Royals; Kmart teen model talent pool
Positions: Third base; posing
Value of card: 1/100th of an ounce of fake gold foil
Key 1991 stat: 14 catalog spreads
Here's what Joe Randa stands for:

Jeans were as tight as his turtleneck was mocked
Obsession cologne overdose could have killed a family of skunks
Everyman look starts with a sweet white-boy wave

Rugby jersey straight from Sears' Cherokee line
Acid-washed jeans drove the ladies wild
Nondenominational church belt shows a touch of class
Dumb look on his face was part of the ensemble
Another example of studly 1990s style

Joe Randa, 1992 Bowman Foil

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Name: Mariano Rivera
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 17 peanut shells, stepped on
Key 1991 stat: Lived in a stadium
Today's fashion model: Here we see 14-year-old Mariano Rivera modeling the latest trends for junior boys. His cuffed and collared polo shirt featuring the logo of every NFL team can be found at finer Sears outlets near you, and it comes with a matching pajama set. His white Dockers are grass-stain resistant, making them fun and fashionable for him and easy to clean for his mom. Another point in these pants' favor: extra room in the crotch to help avoid any schooltime embarrassment      hold that Trapper Keeper up high, Mariano, no one's going to be able to tell what you've been thinking about!

Mariano Rivera, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 4)

Chipper Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Chipper Jones
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: A chip in your windshield
Key 1991 stat: Not yet retired
Today's fashion model: Here we see a dapper, young Chipper Jones looking even sharper than the cactus spines that are about to pierce his bare calves. Chipper is sporting a tasteful, pinstriped Cheetah brand long-sleeve button-down to go with his Canyon River Blues dress shorts. His woven leather belt may seem inappropriately shaped, but not after you realize it's only pointing to his sparkling new Nike sneakers and scrunched-down, knee-length tube socks. Chipper is looking quite chipper indeed, having folded at least a hint of an arch into the Braves ballcap the photographer handed him just minutes earlier. That prickly pear may be flowering, but it's Chipper's wardrobe that is truly in bloom.

Chipper Jones, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Bob James, 1988 Topps

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free shower at a truck stop
Key 1987 stat: Scariest facial hair in the Great Lakes region
Here's what Bob James stands for:

Bob didn't much believe in personal hygiene
Odor coming from his hair smelled vaguely of compost
Belt? Cummerbund? Either way, it didn't do a good job of holding up his pants

Just because this shot was taken in a park, doesn't mean he's homeless ...
Actually, yeah, he is homeless
Maybe he's just doing a bad imitation of the Kodiak Brute, Greg Luzinski
Every woman likes a guy with bad posture and a gut, right ladies?
Strikeout rate went way up when batters were downwind from him

Bob James, 1988 Topps