David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Name: Anthony Munoz
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: See that elastic waistline twist tie? Yeah, that.
Key 1990 stat: 416 pancakes (not blocks; the breakfast food)
Transcript from Cincinnati-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Zubaz: "Howdy, Bengals fans. I'm Anthony Munoz and I'm here to tell you about NFL-brand Zubaz. If you're like me, you've always wanted to wear an understated pair of pants that look good without being outrageous. Well, your search is over, because NFL-brand Zubaz is being sold at a store near you. These are pants that put substance over style. They aren't meant to scare your elderly relatives or blind the children in your neighborhood. Oh no. They're made to match with just about any clothing combination you have in your closet. Need trousers for a formal occasion? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need something plain to go with a trendy striped shirt at the club? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need pants that absolutely, positively don't have giant tiger heads on them? Get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. With NFL-brand Zubaz, you'll earn your stripes without ever selling out to a ridiculous fad."

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Darryl Williams, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 43)

Name: Darryl Williams
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape dubbed from a hip-hop station in the early 1990s
Key 1990 stat: 27 nightclubs entered wearing this outfit
Little-known facts about Darryl Williams:

• He played for the short-lived Cincinnati Zebras.
• He was a superhero who could shoot laser beams from his eyes.
• He never walked; he floated.
• He had a recurring role on "A Different World" as Jacques the "tough but sensitive jock."
• He blinded himself by looking at his pants.

Darryl Williams, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 43)

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Name: David Fulcher
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: POP!
Key 1990 stat: 14 grade-school artists employed at Score
Meet Batman's new arch-nemesis: Batman and Robin had battled all of Gotham's villains and made the city safe again for all its citizens until the rise of The Fulcher, a new breed of evildoer whose proclivity to POP! struck fear into the hearts of the populace. Everywhere The Fulcher went, he would POP! POP! POP! These overly animated action words were, of course, some of Batman and Robin's most vital weapons, so the Dynamic Duo were up against a criminal the likes of which they had never seen. In battle after battle, The Fulcher would push Batman and Robin to the brink of 1960s TV death with a relentless stream of POPS!, leaving our heroes with only enough breath to WHAM! their way back to the Bat Cave. In their final battle with The Fulcher, the Caped Crusader and his trusted avian compatriot were being POP! POP! POPPED! until Adam West and Burt Ward could barely utter tired catchphrases. With the lives of Gotham's citizens hanging in the balance, and our heroes beaten down and in need of a miracle, The Fulcher's groin went POP!, and Batman rose again.

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Crunch Crew (Football Friday No. 129)

Dan Wilkinson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 3)

Name: Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson
Team: Cincinnati Benghouls
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: Definitely not something big
Key 1994 splat: One escape from police custody, apparently
It's a Halloween mystery: What makes "Big Daddy" such a monster?

A) The fact that he wears a potted plant on his head
B) The mysterious way he ripped through the front of his shirt — but not the numbers on it
C) The fact that he keeps mini-footballs around just to stomp the life out of them
D) He apparently was shackled, but now he isn't! Ooooooh, scarrrrry!
E) Not the bulge. Just ask Mrs. Wilkinson.
F) Just buy some new pants already, you freak.

Dan Wilkinson, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 3)

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Names: Jim Breech and Jerry Rice
Teams: Cincinnati Bengals™ and San Francisco 49ers™
Positions: Kicker and wide receiver
Value of card: 6 grains of rice
Key 1987: Lots and lots of scoring, if you know what we mean
It's time for what's sure to be a lopsided edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Career points (Winner: Rice)
Round 2: NFL records (Winner: Rice)
Round 3: Super Bowl victories (Winner: Rice)
Round 4: Hall of Fame inductions (Winner: Rice)
Round 5: Wealth accumulated (Winner: Rice)
Round 6: Loving relationships (Winner: Rice)
Round 7: Personal satisfaction after retirement (Winner: Rice)
Round 8: Probability of living into old age (Winner: Rice)
Round 9: Size 5 shoe (Winner: Breech)

Score: Rice 8, Breech 1

Synopsis: As usual, Rice dominated the competition. He won in all the major categories, barely breaking a sweat. But the Hall of Famer couldn't win the final round, when Breech squeezed his tiny size 7 kicking foot into a size 5 shoe because he thought it gave him better accuracy to get the ball between the uprights. Speaking of getting things "between the uprights," did we mention Rice scored a lot more than Breech?

Postscript: Wow, 100 Football Fridays. To think, when Football Fridays started the Internet didn't have nearly as much crap clogging it up. It has been a long trek, but don't expect the self-serving slop to stop focusing on the big guys in pads and helmets. Hut, hut ... hurl.

Jim Breech and Jerry Rice, 1988 Topps Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 98)

Boobie Clark, 1978 Topps (Football Friday No. 94)

Name: Boobie Clark *snicker*
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Fullback
Value of card: Lifts and separates
Key 1977 stat: Millions of immature fans
Ten names funnier than Boobie Clark, some of which are real:
10) Hoo-Hah Smith
9) Fair Hooker
8) Johnson O'Dingus
7) Lucious Pusey
6) Knockers McGee
5) Chris Smelley
4) I.P. Freely
3) Dick Pole (oh, wait, that's baseball)
2) Heath Cockburn
1) Boobie Q. Clark

Boobie Clark, 1978 Topps (Football Friday No. 94)

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)

Name: David Fulcher

Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Position: Strong safety

Value of card: Seven hangnails

Key 1990 stat: Zero untended cuticles

Script from Lee Press-On Nails for Men TV commercial, circa 1991: "Guys, I know you want to look your best, but you want to look tough, too. I'm David Fulcher, a hard-hitting strong safety in the National Football League. (Cut to shot of Fulcher slamming into an opposing player.) But just because I nail my opponents at work doesn't mean my nails have to look bad at home. (Cut to shot of Fulcher's nails, glistening.) That's why I choose Lee Press-On Nails for Men. They're smooth, sexy — and a steal, at only $1.99 for a box of 12. (Cut to shot of female backup singers.) 'One ninety-nine, are you out of your mind?' We're not out of our minds, sports fans. So listen to me, David Fulcher, a tough guy with a soft side. (Cut to shot of Fulcher bench-pressing a bed full of bunnies.) When you want to put your best foot forward, let Lee Press-On Nails for Men give you a hand. I do. (Cut to shot of Fulcher fluttering his glistening nails.)"

David Fulcher, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 65)