Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A quarter, flipped and then lost down a sewer grate
Key 1993 stat: Zero marlins caught
Repetitive motion disorder: Watching a catcher toss off his mask and go scrambling for a ball is one of the most dramatic sights in baseball. Benny Santiago knew this and used it to his advantage. He'd wear his headgear constantly, whether at the ballpark, out in public or in the comfort of his own home. Here are some less appropriate situations in which Benny flipped his lid, so to speak:

• In the car, anytime he tried to run a yellow light
• When the restaurant check came
• Anytime the bartender called last call
• During "Bud Bowl III"
• Whenever he heard the chorus of Van Halen's "Jump"
• After making sweet, sweet love to Mrs. Santiago

Benny Santiago, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Team Series

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Benito "Benny" Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Night sweats
Key 1990 stat: Squatted a lot
Putting the psycho in psychoanalysis: We here at the Bust were never much good at baseball. Some say we're not very good at baseball humor either. (Thanks, Mom.) So we figured we'd try our hand at a new hobby: dream analysis. Here goes nothin'. In this dream, the 5-foot-wide plate represents your chances at succeeding in life. However, Benny Santiago represents all the things preventing you from reaching that success. The fact that he's wearing a mask is symbolic of you not wanting to face your fears. The fact that he's pointing at you through his glove symbolizes that you think you have no place to feel safe. The fact that he's tossing the baseball means that you feel you don't have enough control over your life. And the fact that his crotch is wide open means that maybe you should stop staring at men's crotches, bro. Jeez.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Score Dream Team

Benito Santiago, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 35)

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An ear infection
Key 1990 stat: One killer flat top
It's a Studio Saturday pop quiz:

What did Benito Santiago's mother say the first time she saw his sweet new earring?

A) "Jesus wept."
B) "You look like your sister, except with a smaller mustache."
C) "I guess we'll have to start calling you Benita."
D) "Maybe that'll help you hit a curveball."
E) "You put that back in my jewelry box right now, young man!"

Benito Santiago, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 35)

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: Jimmy Dean's team, apparently
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two rotting sausage patties, regurgitated by a dog
Key 1992 stat: Six clogged arteries
Mr. Dean, we salute you: Wow. It's amazing when you're in the presence of greatness. Not only does this impressive card feature the one-and-only Benito Santiago sporting a wraparound mustache, it features the JD cowboy boot logo, meaning it's another example of the sensational sausage spectacle that is the Jimmy Dean collection. First, we met a young, mustachioed Ken Griffey Jr., who liked his sausage like he liked his women: short, thick and brown. Then we were introduced to Frank Thomas, who had eaten so many succulent sausages that his body wouldn't even fit within the card's frame. Now, we get Benito, still no Major League Baseball logos, still no team, but, for the first time in the Jimmy Dean collection, a whole lot of teal. Dig in, America. This is one tasty Jimmy Dean set.

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection