Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Names: Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez (feat. Randy Johnson)
Teams: Baltimore Orioles and Seattle Mariners
Positions: Shortstops, future third basemen 
Value of card: General confusion
Key 1995 stat: Zero comic books owned, combined
An illustrative pop quiz: We already know that Cal Ripken's superhero alias is The Ripper. What would A-Rod's be?

(A) The Needler
(B) Mr. April
(C) The Slapper
(D) The Disappointment
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez, 1996 Score Pitcher Perfect

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One small unit of currency (namely, a penny)
Key 1991 stat: 2,813 items stolen
A Mariner's misdemeanor: All this week, Pinnacle has shown us what players like to do off the field. We've seen Robin Yount riding a dirt bike, John Burkett wearing pink and Jim Gott flying through the air in a Halloween costume. Now, you might think that today's card is illustrating Randy Johnson's love of photography. However, the Big Unit didn't care one bit about F-stops and zoom lenses      he just liked to steal. In the above photo, Johnson has persuaded the Pinnacle photographer to hand over one of his cameras and is telling the photog, "Thanks, sucker." Johnson then ran back to the dugout and stuffed the camera in his locker, right beside Jay Buhner's scented lotions and one of Edgar Martinez's wheels of gouda.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Randy Johnson, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 7)

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Rotting seaweed
Key 1990 stat: 7 games of Dungeons & Dragons played per week
Studio quiz time: What direction did the photographer give Randy Johnson just before this photo was taken?

A) "OK, just have a seat and try not to look awkward."
B) "Let's try to, um, highlight your, er, best features. (pauses) You know what? Never mind."
C) "No, no, there's no need to shave. Or comb your hair. Or shower. Just act naturally."
D) "Go ahead and cross your arms like a nervous teenager. Yeah, that looks nice."
E) "So, later on, you want to show me why they call you the Big Unit?"

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 ounces of tobacco spit and mullet grease mixed together

Key 1993 stat: 22 inches of mullet

Time for a pop quiz that's a tall order:

What name did Randy Johnson's teammates give his mullet?

(A) The Soggy Squid

(B) The Bigger Unit

(C) Cascading Scumminess

(D) The Wraparound Neck Warmer

(E) Sopping Strands of Intimidation

(F) All of the above

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven feet of leg
Key 2009 stat: One headline made
Play ball! All this week, we'll mercilessly mock highlight cards from the new 2010 Topps set. And what better place to start than with someone who won't be playing this year? Let the season begin!
Smooth like buttah: The grace. The ease. The fluidity of motion. This is Randy Johnson, pitcher, dancer, inspiration. Sure, his sheer size may have been intimidating to some hitters, but many batters also often found themselves in awe of the elegance with which the Big Unit moved. And anyone who ever saw the big fella run the bases can attest to his poise. Now that he has retired, we at the Bust are proud to break the news that Randy Johnson has signed on to perform with the San Francisco Ballet company. That's right, the Big Unit is now the Big Tutu. Get your tickets here.

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Four splinters
Key 1992 stat: 14,830 times having mind wander off
Randy Johnson's thoughts from 3:17 p.m. to 3:18 p.m. on Oct. 17, 1992: "This is so stupid. Why would the ball get stuck in the bat? Whatever. Just try to keep your mouth closed this time, Randy. Heh, Randy. My name is Randy Johnson. Heh, heh. The Big Unit is Randy. Ha! That's funny. Remember that time Buhner gave both the Griffeys a hot foot at the same time? Junior cried like a little girl for, like, two hours! 'Oh, I have sensitive feet!' Ha! What a wuss. I bet I could break his bat like this. I wonder what else I could break with my fastball. Bricks, like those karate guys do? Maybe diamonds! Ooh, I wonder what would happen if I hit a bird..."

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Randy Johnson

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Ace

Today's headline: Big Unit wins No. 300

Value of card: 300 units

Key 1989 stat: Four batters decapitated

An ugly win is still a win: On June 4, 2009, Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson won his 300th game. Many of the victories were pretty, but some were quite ugly, which seems fitting because the Unit is arguably the least attractive 300-game winner. But baseball isn't a beauty contest, and jacked-up grills mean nothing when a 101-mph fastball is breaking the laws of physics on a path toward your face. Sure, Johnson was gangly and awkward in his rookie season with the Expos. Sure, the first time Tim "Rock" Raines saw the 6-foot-10 lefty on a mound he exclaimed, "That's one big unit." Sure, the first-ballot Hall of Famer has had the same look on his face for 20 years. But what Johnson lacks in looks, he makes up for in mullet and mustache.

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie