Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Name: Don Beebe
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Prospecting for gold (up your nose)
Key 1989 stat: Didn't fall on head (yet)
It's a Football Friday rant: Oh, bravo, Pro Set. It was so important to get young Don Beebe in your 1989 edition that you had to reach out for a third-party photo, was it? Only, rather than track down a quality picture of the young receiver, you acquired what appears to be a lost image from the Zapruder tape and slapped it on this piece of cardboard. Thankfully, you credited it as a "scouting photo," lest we be concerned that your oh-so-rigorous standards were slipping. Congratulations, gentlemen, your focus on quality is as sharp as ever.

Don Beebe, 1989 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 197)

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Name: Cornelius Bennett, aka "Big Bear"
Team: Boo-falo Bills
Positions: Linebacker, catching salmon in a river
Value of card: 62 pounds of fish guts
Key 1993 splat: 10 6-inch fingernails
Questionable content: Let's get this straight. Here we have Cornelius Bennett, famed Buffalo Bills linebacker, masquerading as "Big Bear." Let's repeat that: A Buffalo player is dressed like a bear. Wouldn't it make a little bit more sense to have a Chicago Bears player dressed as "Big Bear"? What's next, Mike Singletary dresses up as "Blitzing Buffalo"? But, given the quality of this get-up, it really doesn't matter. Bennett looks more like a buffalo than a bear, anyway. That dangling hair. Those long, pointy nails. That beard. Oh, wait, Bennett doesn't look like a buffalo or a bear, he looks like a hairy guy named Bill who has eaten too many bear claws. Solid execution, Coca-Cola. Your lack of attention to detail is, once again, frightening.

Cornelius Bennett, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 6)

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Name: Jim Kelly
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of tobacco spit (from 1985)
Key 1985 stat: 3 ounces of tobacco spit put in a bottle and forgotten until 2013
10 bigger douches than Jim Kelly in 1985:
10) Can't think of one.
9) No human equivalent comes to mind.
8) Actually, it's impossible.
7) No chance.
6) Can't happen in this universe.
5) Nonsensical question.
4) C'mon, look at the guy.
3) Nope, not even the esteemed Mr. Douchy von Doucherson.
2) OK, OK, we got one: An actual jumbo size Summer's Eve Douche Fresh Scent box
1) And, yes: The reflection in the mirror when Kelly looks at it.

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

J.D. Hill, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 166)

Name: J. (big space) D. Hill
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: A hill of counterfeit cash
Key 1971 stat: 4,319 people copying his hairstyle
Introducing ... The Hill of Hair®: Gaze upon it, dear readers. You're witnessing the birth of a style, a hairstyle that is. In the esteemed tradition of The Greasy Earmuffs®, The SaberMullet®, The GreatScott®, The Soaring Mushroom® and The Ray-May May-Day®, J.D. Hill showcases The Hill of Hair®, a classic combination of afro, full beard and — the exclamation point — a part. While others used hair picks to even out their 'fros as roundly as possible, Hill made two separate hills in his hairdo, parting it in a way that at once made him an inspiration for blaxploitation movies and acceptable for a church outing. He tossed aside the conventions of the day to forge his own path, a path of pure style. For studs like this, sometimes you just look the part.

J.D. Hill, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 166)

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Name: Darryl Talley
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One shirt, half off
Key 1991 stat: Much to be ashamed of
Darryl Talley's train of thought leading up to this photo shoot, June 17, 1991: "All right, photo time. Let's run down the checklist. Mustache finely groomed? Check. Bare-midriff shirt that I borrowed from one of the cheerleaders yesterday? Check. Most crotch-hugging pair of shorts I could pull on? Check. Belly button out? Check. Ability to put my hands on my hips, making it look like I have weird dents in my forearms? Check. Yes, let's do this!"

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)

Name: Andre Reed
Team: Buffalo BillsTM
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Less in cents than the weight of this ridiculous card in ounces
Key 1989 stat: One unnecessary trademark symbol
Let's analyze this Action Packed card, by the numbers:
0: Super Bowl appearances before this card was issued
4: Super Bowl appearances after this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories before this card was issued
0: Super Bowl victories after this card was issued
0: Faces viewable on this card
0: Other shots considered because no faces are viewable on this card
0: Collective IQ of Action Packed photo-editing team
2.7: Weight of this card, in ounces
1.7: Value of this card, in cents
2,200: Holes in Reed's mesh jersey
2,200: Holes in Action Packed's logic for ever issuing this card

Andre Reed, 1990 Action Packed (Football Friday No. 123)

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Name: Marv Levy
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Head coach
Value of card: A 30-cent coupon for prune juice
Key 1991 stat: Not done losing Super Bowls
Here's what Marv Levy stands for:

Mildly constipated in this photo
AFC Championship T-shirts clog up his closet
Ready for a night out on the town, thanks to the white, button-down, collared shirt under his jacket
Volume on headset turned up to highest setting

Liver spots by the dozens
Even he can't believe Frank Reich led that comeback
Voiced his displeasure with kids on his lawn more than once
Yet to forgive Scott Norwood      for never returning his Weed Eater

Marv Levy, 1991 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 122)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Running back, "The Ball Handler"
Value of card: 18 pounds of bison dung
Key 1991 stat: One unfortunate non-nickname nickname
Time for an American pop quiz:

What, pray tell, is the inherent contradiction of this card?

(A) The back of the card says Thomas is known as "The Ball Handler," but nowhere else in the echoes of time has anyone across this vast land deemed that Thomas' nickname, for obvious reasons.
(B) Thomas plays for the Buffalo Bills, which feature a bison, commonly referred to as buffalo, as the team's mascot, but no bison ever traversed the plains of Buffalo, and, coincidentally, men named Bill are prohibited from entering Buffalo city limits.
(C) This card is a Fleer Illustration, but, at least on the front of the card, the subject is portrayed in a natural, even refined manner, as opposed to how hundreds of others were drawn in the years-long series.
(D) For true Americans like Thomas, the flag's colors never, ever run, but, on this card, they're running, and he's running, and his running is causing their running.
(E) All of the above.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Name: Andre "Dre Dog" Reed
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Six Old E' 40s
Key 1989 stat: Two slugs in da chamber
Reed n the Hood: Andre Reed was a well-known wide receiver for the Bills in the 1990s, but few fans know he played a small role in the hit 1991 coming-of-age-in-the-ghetto film, "Boyz n the Hood." Reed's performance, a photo from which is above, was left on the cutting-room floor, but here are five lessons learned by his character, Dre Dog.

(1) 14-pound beanies keep your head warm — in the hood
(2) Pencil-thin mustaches make you look good — in the hood
(3) Ya gots to hustle for the dollar-dollar Bills, y'all — in the hood
(4) Looking like Ice-T gets you small roles in movies about the hood — in the hood
(5) Top-tier high school running backs with scholarship offers to USC get gunned down — in the hood

Andre Reed, 1990 Topps (Football Friday No. 114)

Thurman Thomas, 1994 Playoff Ground Attack (Football Friday No. 113)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: .0001 troy ounces of silver
Key 1993 stat: 25 ground attacks on chipmunks
This Thurman Thomas card, By the Numbers:

1: This card's weight, in pounds
2: This card's thickness, in centimeters
3: Collectors who liked this card
4: Collectors who were blinded from the shine off this card
5: Minutes it took the graphic artist to come up with this concept
6: Number of Ground Attack logos spoiling this card
7,000: Better card ideas Playoff could have employed

Thurman Thomas, 1994 Playoff Ground Attack (Football Friday No. 113)

Jack Kemp, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 4)

Name: Jack Kemp
Teams: Buffalo Bills, U.S. government
Positions: Quarterback, housing secretary for George H.W. Bush
Value of card: One tie with cheetah spots on it
Key 1990 stat: Wore that helmet to the White House 17 times
Ways in which Jack Kemp and Abraham Lincoln were alike:

• Both never led the Bills to a Super Bowl title
• Both enjoyed a nice soft cheese
• Both were big fans of the theater
• Both gave influential speeches: Lincoln at Gettysburg, Kemp at the buffet line at Furr's
• Both would have agreed this tie was a bad choice

Jack Kemp, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 4)

Shane Conlan, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 93)

Name: Shane Conlan
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Six mutilated zebras
Key 1990 stat: Two X's and an L on all T-shirts
Transcript of Zubaz TV commercial, circa 1991: "Boom! Bam! Slam-a-jam! America, get ready to have your system shocked! (Conlan jumps on a stadium seat and continues to yell at the camera.) I'm Shane Conlan, and I'm here to tell you about the coolest, boldest, baddest and raddest pants in the history of the world! Check 'em out! It's Zubaz time! (Camera shot zooms in and out each time he says brand name.) Zubaz! ... Zubaz! ... Zubaz! Kids, you want to dress like the pros and cause seizures in epileptics? Get your hands on Zubaz! Parents, you want your kids to look totally tubular and get the opportunity to wear pajamas in public? Buy Zubaz! (Conlan runs his fingers through his bangs during a close-up.) These pants are flexible, flashy and, obviously, awesome-o-rama, so head to the mall and get a pair in your favorite team's blinding, eye-raping colors. Take it from me, the Buffalo Bills' most bodacious linebacker: You can't be a star without the stripes!"

Shane Conlan, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 93)

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)

Name: Jeff Burris
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: Three blades of grass
Key 1993 stat: Four game minutes spent standing up on the field
It's time for a down-and-dirty pop quiz:

What the hell is Jeff Burris doing on the ground?

(A) Finishing up a hot date with the 30-yard line.
(B) Hiding an embarrassing, ahem, protuberance brought about by Bruce Smith's legs.
(C) Taking a bet he can't get three cleats "where the sun don't shine."
(D) Stretching ... the limits of heterosexuality.
(E) All of the above.

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Name: Bruce Smith
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Outdated technology
Key 1991 stat: One bad Photoshop cutout
Clearing up some rumors about Bruce Smith:

• Bruce Smith did not use radar to track down quarterbacks. He used sonar.
• This cutout of Bruce Smith is not poorly done. It just shows his blue aura.
• Score is not mixing metaphors by using radar and cross hairs on this card. It actually has a contract with the Department of Defense.
• Bruce Smith is, in fact, screaming "Friends! Romans! Countrymen!" while chasing down Ken O'Brien.
• "Sack Attack" is not also the name of a mid-1990s adult feature. Oh, wait, yes it is.

Bruce Smith, 1991 Score Sack Attack (Football Friday No. 80)

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Names: Steve Young, Bruce Smith
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Buffalo Bills
Positions: Quarterback, defensive end
Value of card: Two heads
Key 1991 stat: Zero games played head-to-head
It's an NFC-AFC Matchup!

Round 1: Finely groomed mustache (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Finely groomed "Riddell" logo on helmet (Winner: Young)
Round 3: Proper use of chinstrap (Winner: Smith)
Round 4: Career Super Bowls (Winner: Smith)
Round 5: Career Super Bowl rings (Winner: Young — sorry Bills fans)
Round 6: Bigger badass (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Gnarly, career-ending concussion (Winner: Young)

Final score: Smith 4, Young 3

Synopsis: The Bills may have never won the big game, but Bruce totally makes up for all those missed championships by defeating a concussed Steve Young in the Matchup — not that Steve will remember it.

Steve Young, Bruce Smith, 1991 Pinnacle Head to Head (Football Friday No. 78)

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

Name: Steve Tasker
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Special teams, wide receiver
Value of card: A series of boring dreams
Key 1993 stat: A bunch of punts covered
What it means to be Steve Tasker:

Special teams expert
That's like being an expert at growing grass
Everyone knows they're supposed be impressed, but
Very few people give a crap —
Even Mrs. Tasker

Tumbled from the ugly tree
And hit every branch on the way down
Seems to be emerging from a rip in the time-space continuum on the above card
Keeps trying to grow chest hair, but it just isn't working
Even though those neck flaps look like gills, he can't actually breathe under water
Resembles the lady at Walmart who rang up our groceries the other day

Steve Tasker, 1993 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 71)

Don Beebe, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 62)

Name: Don Beebe

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: Two BBs

Key 1989 stat: One bounce-back (see below)

It's time for another pop quiz:

What happened approximately two seconds after this photo was taken?

(A) Beebe landed on his knees and was ruled down.

(B) Beebe landed on his feet and ran out of bounds.

(C) Beebe and Browns safety Felix Wright fell to the ground in a heap.

(D) Beebe stripped off his uniform and ran around the field naked.

(E) Excruciating neck pain: click here.

Don Beebe, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 62)

Steve Tasker, 1993 Skybox Kelly's Heroes (Football Friday No. 60)

Name: Steve Tasker

Team: Buffalo Bills

Position: Special teams

Value of card: Shrapnel from a tank blast

Key 1992 stat: Zero trips to the dentist for Jim Kelly

Wow. Just wow: Skybox was known in the 1990s for some of the cheesiest gimmicks in the sports card business, but the Kelly's Heroes football subset in 1993 may have been the most blatant embrace of the nonsensical. We could talk about the 3 pounds of product in Kelly's hair, the yellow tinge to his teeth, the cartoon tank or the hyperbole — "Steve's a lunatic." — ascribed to the Bills quarterback, but none of these things compare to the back of the card:

That's right, Magic's Kingdom and Kelly's Heroes — each a groan-inducing pun in its own right — were combined on one card. Kelly has a tank; Magic gets a star, hearkening to his time on the "showtime" Los Angeles Lakers. Kelly's teeth are front and center; Magic gives collectors the thumbs-up. The writing on the card's back is as putrid as what's on the front. Magic all but admits he chose Elvis Patterson only because he watched him play more than other players. Who cares if he's not good, right? Which brings up the most important failure of the subset: Why in god's good name should football fans care what a basketball player thinks of the NFL? Nothing heroic, nothing magical for this thinking outside the Skybox.

Steve Tasker, 1993 Skybox Kelly's Heroes (Football Friday No. 60)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: Eight pounds of liberty
Key 1991 stat: 75,052 salutes to the flag
Proud to be an American, Part 3: How American was Thurman Thomas during his playing days? Thurman Thomas was so American, he refused to sign with any team but the Bills or Patriots because he had to wear red, white and blue at all times. He was so American that he set a goal each season to run for exactly 1,776 yards. He was so American that he petitioned to have his name changed to Thurman Thomas Jefferson. He was so American, he had the words "Don't tread on me" tattooed across his backside. Thurman Thomas was so American that he used a herd of buffalo to crush every foreign-made car in upstate New York. He was so American, he made referees trade in their yellow flags for American flags. Thurman Thomas was so damn American, he carved the faces of every president, all the Supreme Court justices, Benjamin Franklin AND Betsy Ross into the side of a cliff and called it Mount Rushmore 2! USA! USA! USA!

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)