Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Six feet and 10 inches of dog turds
Key 1994 stat: One sad
Randy Johnson's train of thought from 3:10 to 3:12 p.m., March 24, 1995: "Sigh. It's just not fair. Why do the guys always have to hold a limbo contest before practice starts? I can't bend that far     heck, my knees are taller that the starting point! Sigh. It sure does look like a lot of fun, though. Plus, the winner gets a Tupperware full of Griffey's jerk chicken and a bag of Buhner's finest Jamaican reefer. I like those things. Siiiigh. I guess I'll just sit over here by the bat rack and smell my mullet for a little while. Hmm, is that mustard? Mmm, Dijon! I remember that sandwich. Oh, man. Now I'm hungry. Sigh. Guess I'll just lick my palm until they're done."

Randy Johnson, 1995 Score

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Mike Mussina
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three blood-stained feathers
Key 1994 stat: 12 drugs taken before painting a portrait
WARNING! A few warnings about this card:

• WARNING: Lava in the shape of a stoned crow will threaten Mike Mussina.
• WARNING: Skin will start to fall off all Orioles pitchers' arms.
• WARNING: A sea of water and baseballs opens up below the pitcher's mound.
• WARNING: An athletic pitcher will develop a massive beer gut in this illustration.
• WARNING: Baseball field has morphed into a national park.
• WARNING: Giant alien's leg has mysteriously entered the card.
• WARNING: Stenciled street signs depict giant flaming baseballs hitting black-and-orange birds.

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Ace, drummer
Value of card: One dropped beat
Key 1995 stat: Looked ridiculous not once but twice on this card
Hit singles you may have heard from Randy Johnson and his Seattle grunge band, Mother Love Dome: 

• "Man in the Batter's Box"
• "Hunger Strike Three"
• "No Rain Delay"
• "Cherub Walk"
• "Jeromy (Burnitz)"
• "Black Home Run"
• "Smells Like Team's Jock Straps"

Randy Johnson, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Showcase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 6)

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Name: Frank Zupo
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of Zupo-brand chew spit
Key 1957 stat: 16 guys made to, hey-oh, you know, disappear
A pretty good fella: The feds were on Frankie Zupo's trail. He was a hardened gangster whose body count was one of the highest in New York, and he didn't hide from attention. But when he clipped a dirty copper, see, and he knew his time was up, see, he made a bold move, see: He changed his name ever so slightly, moved to Baltimore and started playing baseball. Surprisingly, some of his nicknames from his life of crime stayed with him between the diamond's lines.
A few of Zupo's nicknames:

• Frankie "The Brow" Zupo
• Frankie "The Monobrow Murderer" Zupo
• Frankie "Two Mustaches in the Wrong Place" Zupo
• Frankie "A Cat Died on My Face" Zupo
• "Spanky" Frankie Zupo

Frank Zupo, 1958 Topps

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Rotting seaweed
Key 1990 stat: 7 games of Dungeons & Dragons played per week
Studio quiz time: What direction did the photographer give Randy Johnson just before this photo was taken?

A) "OK, just have a seat and try not to look awkward."
B) "Let's try to, um, highlight your, er, best features. (pauses) You know what? Never mind."
C) "No, no, there's no need to shave. Or comb your hair. Or shower. Just act naturally."
D) "Go ahead and cross your arms like a nervous teenager. Yeah, that looks nice."
E) "So, later on, you want to show me why they call you the Big Unit?"

Randy Johnson, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 53)

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Ace

Value of card: 2 ounces of tobacco spit and mullet grease mixed together

Key 1993 stat: 22 inches of mullet

Time for a pop quiz that's a tall order:

What name did Randy Johnson's teammates give his mullet?

(A) The Soggy Squid

(B) The Bigger Unit

(C) Cascading Scumminess

(D) The Wraparound Neck Warmer

(E) Sopping Strands of Intimidation

(F) All of the above

Randy Johnson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Seven feet of leg
Key 2009 stat: One headline made
Play ball! All this week, we'll mercilessly mock highlight cards from the new 2010 Topps set. And what better place to start than with someone who won't be playing this year? Let the season begin!
Smooth like buttah: The grace. The ease. The fluidity of motion. This is Randy Johnson, pitcher, dancer, inspiration. Sure, his sheer size may have been intimidating to some hitters, but many batters also often found themselves in awe of the elegance with which the Big Unit moved. And anyone who ever saw the big fella run the bases can attest to his poise. Now that he has retired, we at the Bust are proud to break the news that Randy Johnson has signed on to perform with the San Francisco Ballet company. That's right, the Big Unit is now the Big Tutu. Get your tickets here.

Randy Johnson, 2010 Topps (2010 Week, No. 1)

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Cecil Fielder

Team: Detroit Tigers

Position: First base, designated hitter

Value of card: 2 pounds of bird seed

Key 1991 stat: Seven lawn chairs snapped

The ABCs of this card:

A - Animal attraction

B - Baseball, not flirting

C - Chicken says, "Nothing fowl about me."

D - Detroit, a city where laws of love are broken

E - Eggs, promised as part of breakfast in bed

F - Feathers, for tickling

G - "Get your hand off my knee."

H - "How come you don't like me?"

I - "It's a matter of taste."

J - "Just like chicken, of course."

K - Keister, comfortable in a lawn chair

L - Look of longing from the Chicken

M - Mustache, for tickling

N - Never mind cultural decorum

O - On my knees, at your service

P - Pillow talk: cluck, cluck, cluck

Q - Questions of decency arise

R - Right here, right now

S - Suggestive water bottle placement

T - Tiger in the sack, according to rumors

U - Undressing from uniforms and feathers

V - Vulgar sweet nothings, whispered in ears

W - "White meat for you, dark meat for me."

X - X-rated

Y - You can't explain lust

Z - Zoophilia

Cecil Fielder, 1992 Upper Deck

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Randy Johnson
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Ace
Value of card: Four splinters
Key 1992 stat: 14,830 times having mind wander off
Randy Johnson's thoughts from 3:17 p.m. to 3:18 p.m. on Oct. 17, 1992: "This is so stupid. Why would the ball get stuck in the bat? Whatever. Just try to keep your mouth closed this time, Randy. Heh, Randy. My name is Randy Johnson. Heh, heh. The Big Unit is Randy. Ha! That's funny. Remember that time Buhner gave both the Griffeys a hot foot at the same time? Junior cried like a little girl for, like, two hours! 'Oh, I have sensitive feet!' Ha! What a wuss. I bet I could break his bat like this. I wonder what else I could break with my fastball. Bricks, like those karate guys do? Maybe diamonds! Ooh, I wonder what would happen if I hit a bird..."

Randy Johnson, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie

Name: Randy Johnson

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Ace

Today's headline: Big Unit wins No. 300

Value of card: 300 units

Key 1989 stat: Four batters decapitated

An ugly win is still a win: On June 4, 2009, Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson won his 300th game. Many of the victories were pretty, but some were quite ugly, which seems fitting because the Unit is arguably the least attractive 300-game winner. But baseball isn't a beauty contest, and jacked-up grills mean nothing when a 101-mph fastball is breaking the laws of physics on a path toward your face. Sure, Johnson was gangly and awkward in his rookie season with the Expos. Sure, the first time Tim "Rock" Raines saw the 6-foot-10 lefty on a mound he exclaimed, "That's one big unit." Sure, the first-ballot Hall of Famer has had the same look on his face for 20 years. But what Johnson lacks in looks, he makes up for in mullet and mustache.

Randy Johnson, 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie